It’s always hard for me to remove things from my head, once they’re in there. I wouldn’t call my mind a steel trap, however. It’s more like a mess that information goes into and is never able to find its way out, whether I want it to or not. Typically, that’s my problem when reading fics that disregard one of the books. I just find it very hard to put an entire episode worth of canon out of my mind.

One thing that really made this story interesting for me, at least through the first chapter, is the Charlie/Hermione angle. I don’t really ship anything, to be honest. If I did, though, I can promise it would not be Ron/Hermione. For the most part, my reason for this is reading too many bad fanfics about that pair. Even that aside, however, I just never saw what would attract someone like Hermione to Ron – I just never got it. Oh well, I digress.

I thought your characters had a very real feel to them, while staying in the spirit that JKR intended them. In particular, in Hermione’s case, I like the idea of here lingering on the hurtful past, especially on a special date, like her birthday. I really think Hermione wouldn’t be the same if she lost Harry and Ron, and would be apt to wallow in her loss. So, I thought you characterization was right on for that part.

I like the interaction between Charlie and Hermione overall. It wasn’t too much, it wasn’t too little … it was just right. I also thought the kiss at the end was very believable too, which is more than I can say for a number of fics I have read.

Not much I can say to improve this particular chapter. Technically, you writing seems very sound. Even if it isn’t, I didn’t notice it, so GREAT job!

One of the most impressive things about this story is your descriptions. I thought you did such a wonderful job setting the scene and it really helped draw me into your story. It started with your opening paragraph (in part one). I think my favorite line is The sun, a gold-yellow orb hanging in the sky, is already reaching out with its million spear-like arms, grasping handfuls of snow and melting them with its gentle heat. There are a couple lines in your opening paragraphs that I really liked, but that was my favorite.

I also liked how you wrote Hermione’s memories of Ron and then the transition from part one to part two. You characterization of Ron was nicely done as well. I liked the spider in the box of chocolates and the snow ball in the face. I also liked Hermione turning the spider on Ron too. I thought you did very well writing these two canon characters.

Finally, I also really liked the message in your story. It’s tragic that it takes an event like the one described here to get people to focus on what truly matters. In all, I really enjoyed reading it.

Okay, Ron x Hermione, I just read the first two chapters of your story, Unpredicted Happenings. I like the first chapter quite a bit (even a bit more than the second chapter if I were to be totally honest). I really liked your portrayal of Voldemort and Ron in the opening chapter. However, since you requested some attention be directed at the second chapter in the story, I’ll focus my attention there.

As you did in the first chapter, I think you do a good job in your portrayal of Ron. There is great sense of shock and sadness throughout. I like you have Ron gazing off into space, not really knowing what to do next, and even asking himself questions about whether or not he should go on himself. I think these are all things that would go through anyone’s head if something like that ever happened to them. So, well done on that part.

The second half of this chapter was good, though I wished Ron had held on to his wand and come up with something really good for our dear friend, Mr. Mark. More often than not, people who drive Jags and act like Mark was acting in this chapter deserve a good jinx. Gees, did I say that out loud? Anyway, I was glad when Ron demonstrated his aptitude for Muggle dueling. Though, somehow, I wonder if, having just lost my wife and child, not to mention considering suicide myself, I wonder if I would just be too dejected to care. Ah, just a thought.

One constructive note, that I can think of, in this chapter. You did a great job setting the tone here, but there two lines that kind of stuck out like sore thumbs to me. The funeral had been a dismal one. After all, who has ever had a happy funeral? The second sentence just seems, I don’t know what to call it. So, how about unnecessary? Maybe this is just me, but the image of a stand up comic telling a funeral joke burst into my head when I read that line. If you intended to be funny there, strike these comments. Otherwise, I would remove that second sentence and then maybe just combine your first two paragraphs.

Right along these same lines comes this sentence, He stepped outside into the- how appropriate- rainy and sleeting weather. You know what might work perfect here? Change it, so Ron steps outside for a walk just as it begins to poor down rain. Then have him look up to the sky and say, “Oh, great!” or “Perfect!” You get the same idea across without having the choppy feel that I got reading this the way it was.

Hey, I’m no expert, I’m not an accredited beta, I’m none of the above. So, do what you will with my feedback. Do nothing if you like. Your story is still pretty darn good the way it is. I was just offering my two cents. So long! Keep up the good work.

I think one of the reasons I like reading your work so much, wendelin, is because no one else (that I know of or read regularly) writes the way you do. I absolutely love how you interleave stanzas or lines of poetry into your stories. I just think it is such a unique approach. I’ve read several of your stories and they have quickly become some of my favourites here on MNFF.

In this one, I think you do a marvellous job working with three sisters. You characterisations are just wonderful. Bella has thick black hair and beautiful ebony eyes that always seemed to be laughing at you, ever so taunting. It captures a lot of what we know about Bella in one simple sentence, especially the end of the sentence. Just brilliant, I really like that part.

It was an awkward decision she made, but she had a respectable pureblood marriage with a man she didn’t love and nothing could be more Black than that. Again, I particularly liked the end of the sentence. It does seem so much like Narcissa to put aside what she really feels inside and go with what everyone else would approve of.

But, I think you did the best job with Andromeda here. The fact that the poem is about her (err … I hope it is or I totally missed the boat here) really punctuates the way you describe her and her situation in the story. Here are two beautiful sisters who are everything their parents / their circle and another who is quite forgettable. Then, when she breaks tradition, marries someone they all consider undesirable, it’s the end of it all.

Great job! I really enjoyed this.

Author's Response: All SPEWers deserve a great big hug for putting so much thought into their reviews.

Hi there, Phily! Great Story! I liked it very much. I think you have done a very good job capturing Ron and Hermione’s character here. I think it’s pretty common to see the canon characterizations bent a little by authors in order to suit their plots. However, I think your portrayal parallels these two very well.


I also loved how you have the two of them arguing over something and they’re not even on the same page on what they are arguing about. That’s real, it happens to a lot of people (though never to me … **cough**). The way you have Hermione storm off in disgust while Ron is just sort of dumbfounded is very good too.


I also liked the spontaneous nature of the kiss at the end. In all this was a nice story. Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you, James! :) Well done for winning the challenge- I\'m priveledged to have already read the winning entry! Hehe! I\'m glad Ron and Hermione came across properly in character here as I haven\'t written much about them before. I see a lot of Hermione in me (hence the name...) so it was perhaps easier to write a realistic situation with her reactions. But I never storm off of course... ; ) Thank you very much for the review! It is much appreciated that you have taken the time to read and leave your comments! Phily :)

Insecurity, this was a wonderful story! I cannot tell you home much I enjoyed it. You writing style just drew me in! I really think this story should be a strong contender to take top honours in the challenge. Well done!


I loved how you wrote Peter here. I especially liked the parts about the different kinds of bullies, the hallway bullies, the classroom bullies, and the Gryffindor bullies. I also loved how you portrayed him loving the fact that he had friends and felt part of something for the first time in his life, only to end up feeling as though it was all a farce. It’s the kind of thing that would make a person feel so rotten inside and believably drive them to say … the dark side. The part where you wrote that his friendship with James was no different than being the lab rat for the Slytherin Bullies was great!


I also really liked how you had him take to Snape, someone with whom he could identify. It makes sense that Snape would be able to aid him in the transition between sides.


Great work! Good luck in the challenge!

Hey, Ron x Hermione. I’ve been reading through the challenge entries and wanted to drop a review on your entry. I thought it was pretty well done. I haven’t read everything you have written (you’ve got a lot). But, out of everything you have written that I have read, I think I enjoyed this one the most. Very good job!


I liked your portrayal of Peter very much. He’s infuriated with the treatment he received from his friends to the point where he wants them dead. Yet, in the end, he is too cowardly to go through with it.


I would have liked to see some more of the pranks, and why Peter was becoming so upset. You did touch on some of it. For example, Peter had always felt that they could have possibly been staring at him, but those hopes had been shattered as soon as he saw their repulsed faces when he had given them a smile. I loved this line. It’s such a real feeling and so believable. I can totally see where Peter probably had this happen to him … on several occasions. Poor guy! That was very good and I would have liked to see more concrete examples like that so I could really feel the transition in Peter from friend to foe. Does that make sense?


One other thing I caught was repetitive words. You used the word matured twice in a matter of a few sentences, both to describe either James or Sirius. I always find myself diving into a thesaurus when I catch myself using the same word in close proximity, or trying to find a way to rephrase the sentence altogether.


Anyway, you did a good job here and I wish you the best of luck in the challenge!

Author's Response: Aw, thanks so much, Skipper! It\'s nice to see a first reviewer! *giggles* I\'m so glad that you liked this. And thank you for that catch. I will definitely go back and change it and hopefully try and prevent it in the future. :) ~Lindsey :)