Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 03/15/14 0:48 · For: Chapter 3: The Transformation

Hi, Priya. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, commenting on your unfinished story The Prisoner. This sounds like a rollicking good story, with an active plot, good details, and intriguing characterizations. The writing style is a little unpolished here and there, but the lively plot easily outshines any occasional rough edges, and we all know that the most polished of writing cannot save a boring story.

Throughout the story you follow the important rule of “Show, don’t tell”, so Draco’s emotions are revealed well by your description of his actions, his out-of-control behavior after his trial and his Model-Prisoner behavior when he starts implementing his new plan. The description of the events of his daily life in prison, at the opening of the story, gives us a good sense of the setting in which this story takes place, the mention of the prison reforms juxtaposed with the callous behavior of the prison staff.

I also appreciated the humor that creeps into your story here and there: the prisoner’s glee at “tricking” the guards by pretending to be asleep when they come to awaken all the inmates; his outlandish imaginings about what he would do and say at his trial, where “they would lead me out like a king”, while he would glory in the sight of “thoroughly pissed-off Potter and a similarly stymied Weasley, fuming with rage, with matching red faces and clenched fists.” When Draco injures himself rampaging in his cell and then begs the Healer for a deadly potion, the Healer would decline the request and “keep on bandaging useless parts.” These bits of humor, tossed in seemingly at random, are a sign of the writer’s art; they attract our attention momentarily and impel us to read further.

Your story also has good suspense. You have given us hints of what happened in the past, enough to set our brains speculating about the details left unspoken, but not distracting from our sense of the present. And though you incorporate flashbacks, both to the farther past and then to the nearer past, the time sequence is very plain; I was never confused about what was happening when. I am left wondering how Hermione was used as “bait” to trick Draco into supporting the Dark Lord, and what Draco’s newly-hatched vengeance plan is going to be. Somehow, being a Model Prisoner is the first step, but what next?

The auxiliary characters in this story are depicted well in just a few sentences each—the guards who are inexplicably worried when Draco falls and skins his knees, the Minister who summarily sentences Draco to life imprisonment in a one-minute mockery of a trial, the unsympathetic, matter-of-fact prison Healer who is just doing his job. In each case, you characterize these players by showing actions that reveal what they are like.

I hope you finish this story because you seem to have the sine qua non of storytelling: a good story and the ability to tell it in a captivating way. The polish will come, but meanwhile the enjoyment is already there. Good Luck!

Author's Response: Hi, Vicki... this is Priya here... I am extremely sorry for the late response... but I have tried to make it up with an update... hope you like the new chapter as well... !!! And also a very big thanks for your compliments... I didn't think I deserve such praise though... but thanks anyway for encouraging me... I will try to improve my writing skills and update faster... !!! Regards and gratitude Priya

Name: Dad (Signed) · Date: 06/02/13 13:49 · For: Chapter 3: The Transformation

Not quite sure where this is going, but we are a long way from the end of chapter one. Keep updating.

Author's Response: Right you are... ;-) Please stay faithful to this story... I assure you that you won't be disappointed... :-) P.S. Thanks for your reviews. It really means a lot to me.