This fic is really, really good! I'm adding you ad this fic to my favourites!!! I can't wait for the next chapter!!!!

Hey Astro!

It’s Azhure from the forums – I said I would review a story for you in the review fest thread, and here I am. 

Firstly, wow. This is such a powerful story. I absolutely love how at the beginning Tom is so innocent, just craving for a love that we will never have. You depicted a side of him that I don’t think anyone has really thought of before, which is amazing. And then the way that once he is submerged in the water, something clicks in his mind that makes him truly aware that he will never have the love that he craves, and then he learns to hate because of that. Just simply amazing work – honestly, I love this story.

Your imagery is also really good, and I like how you tied the imagery into Tom’s emotions – making it darker towards the end. This was very effective and powerful. I particularly love this line:

He had tried with all his heart to ignite the light inside him, but the entire world had its claws turned against him.

Both of these clauses juxtapose each other, yet they fit together perfectly. I know I’m probably rambling, but I honestly really love this story. By the way, just a piece of critique: you used ‘him’ to end each clause; maybe try to rephrase this sentence slightly so you’re not repeating words? A similar thing happened here:

He took a step closer to the edge, bending slightly over to see down the edge.

You said ‘edge’ twice. Try to maybe use a synonym or something to vary the word choice. 

I also like this part:

As he beheld the ocean in front of him, he desired to be the wind that swung just above the surface of the waters; the foam that crowned the waves like a glittering jewel under the shinning moon, coming and going, so free and careless.

You used simple words, yet put together they were just so powerful, especially ‘glittering jewel under the shining moon’ (by the way, ‘shining’ is spelt with one ‘n’, not two).

Another thing I like about this story is how you reference back to the orphanage and the boys. I’m not sure when you wrote this story (before HBP or after), but I thought it was great to see a different perspective on all the seemingly intentional things Tom did to the others. There is one thing that didn’t really make sense to me, though:

Not one of the boys who he’d done anything had ever bothered him again.

This sentence doesn’t really make sense. Did you mean to add a ‘to’ after ‘anything’?

And I just have a few more critiques (I couldn’t resist, sorry – my internal beta is very stubborn):

It would be so easy; he only had to give one more step forward and then close his eyes as his body would brake the harmony of the air to meet its destiny where the waves crashed.

In this case, ‘brake’ should be spelled as ‘break’.

As his tears, for what he was about to do, ran down his face, he gathered all his strength to invoke his internal power, awakened by emotion; love, hate. His power coursed through all his body, surrounding him with an invisible cloak of energy.

Here you don’t need the first comma.

Okay, that’s enough critique.

Truly, I love this story, and I can’t believe I hadn’t read it until now – I’ve read a couple other of yours, though, and they’re all great. You’re a really talented author, Astro!

~~Azhure~~

Poor Draco, I hope they finally come to their senses and get together!

Wow, this was a really nice story. Are you going to make another one that continues on with the Albus/Scorpius relationship. (Maybe even them finding out about the Harry/Draco relationship.)

I love Harry/Draco!!!!!!!!

A very touching story.

I love the way that Lily and James are constantly watching over Harry and even in the toughest times they know it will get better.

Beautiful story.

I just wanted to drop in and say that I absolutely loved A Cold Heaven and what you have so far of this story. I am a huge fan of Dark/Angst and my favourite pairing is James/Sirius, so this is the perfect story!

I also love your style of writing. It flows so well and the reader is really drawn into the story. Your characterisation is also very well done. In slash stories I am constantly seeing out of character characters, but you have it down pat!

Anyway, I am eagerly awaiting your next chapter!

~~Azhure~~

Another great chapter! I thought I was going to die from laughter when Lily told James about her boyfriend! Anyway, like the last chapter, I have some corrections:

“Well, you are definitely more attractive then me,” she returned, anger welling up inside her.

He had been gently awoken by Alice, who was in James opinion, better to see in the morning then Sirius.

For both of these sentences it should be ‘than’, not ‘then’. You use than when you’re comparing two things.

“Lily however, had gone bright red.

You need a comma after ‘Lily’.

“ “Oh, look Lily flower,” she said, imitating his style as best she could.

You need a comma after ‘look’.

“I hope you have as much fun as you did in the shower.”

I’m a bit confused about this sentence. Did you mean, “I hope I have as much fun as you did in the shower”? It could just be me, but I’m confused. :P

“Oh yes, his name is Rodger.

There should be a comma after ‘Oh’.

“ “In fact you told me he said he was going to come up and kiss you in front of everyone; today at breakfast.

There needs to be a comma after ‘fact’.

“He was defiantly going to enjoy it.

Did you mean ‘definitely’ instead of ‘defiantly’? Defiantly means disobediently or boldly.

“With that final thought he had slipped into pleasant dreams.

There needs to be a comma after ‘thought’.

“By breakfast he had been in a fantastic mood. He had been gently awoken by Alice, who was in James opinion, better to see in the morning then Sirius. He had gotten up, had a long shower and finally let Lily’s hair free in a way she never wore it. He then spent thirty minutes getting dressed, carefully in front of the mirror.

In this paragraph you start three out of the four sentences with ‘he’. This interrupts the flow. Try changing at least one.

“ “Oh sorry, you should have been there.

There needs to be a comma after ‘oh’.

“ “H-She left him there!

You should use a question mark instead of an exclamation mark.

“ “Don’t play dumb, you put him into a leg-locker curse and stuffed him in the laundry remember?

There needs to be a comma after ‘laundry’.

“ “Really, James, you are way too obsessed with her.” Sirius gazed at James who was sitting at the front.

This is a bit confusing. I know what you mean, but when you say he gazed at James it basically contradicts what was said in the speech. I know what you’re saying, and Lily knows it’s Jams at the front, not herelf. I just think you need to change this.

“ “Look, I understand why you like her, but she is not worth it Prongs!

There needs to be a comma after ‘it’.

Like I said, another very amusing chapter, Helen! *hugs* I’m off to read the next one!

~~Azhure~~

Very nice! I just have a few nitpicks:

The first paragraph seems to be a bit repetitive. You say 'he' a lot, and to me that interrupts the flow.

"Don't cry, Hermione, it'll be all right,"

There needs to be a comma before Hermione, and 'alright' isn't really a word. You should use 'all right'.

We knew how they felt; we felt it, too.

Instead of a comma after 'felt' you should have semicolon.

Numbness sets in at first. Disbelief that so many were gone, then gladness that they didn't die in vain and that they lost their lives to save the world.

This part is a bit strange to me. At first, it seems like you are going to list them, but you only do it that way for 'numbness', and then you explain something else. I also don't like the word 'gladness', but that's just me. I recommend saying:

Numbness sets in at first. Disbelief follows, the pain of so many lost. Then you feel happiness that they didn't die in vain and that they lost their lives to save the world.

Then the hunt for your loved ones that had survived begins.

You have a bit of tense confusion here. It should be 'begins', not 'began'. I fixed it up here.

I would make sure they were remembered as heroes as well - they deserved the honor.

Instead of the comma after 'well', you should use a dash. I fixed it up above.

He seemed to understand.

You need a full stop, not a comma here.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked, sounding hurt, like I had slapped him.

You need a comma after 'asked'.

I didn't have enough strength to of think one.

I added 'of' after 'to'.

It was so right; the way he felt to me.

You need a semicolon, not a comma here.

Overall, a really emotional story. You highlight their relationship perfectly, and I felt myself almost crying after I had read this. Nice work!

~~Azhure~~

Rhi told me about this!! *hugs* As you can probably tell, Rhi and I share the same OTP.

Gah, it was a great story...the emotions... the love triangle....*sigh* And the fact you linked it to JKR's prologue was great! Well, I'm off to read it again! Nice work!!! - and sorry for the short review...I'm just so excited!

~~Azhure~~

Wow, an interesting start to what seems to be an intriguing story. I am definitely going to eagerly await the updates to this! Nice work!

~~Azhure~~