Hello! I read this poem quite a while ago already, shortly after the competition for which it was written. I have respect for you for managing to write such a long poem; I know it has been hard as I have written a poem myself for that competition.

And I quite like your poem, especially the message you convey, with the houses having to stand together in unity to not let evil enter into Hogwarts. In the parts that were a requirement of the competition, you have presented the message of unity very well and it’s really amazing that you have worked this in so smoothly. Most of all I like the Hat’s tale of the founders and their histories. It’s so true to what Rowling showed in the books, and yet still your own interpretation. Wonderfully done.

Also, the rhyming blows me away. It’s so neat and nicely worked out. I’m not sure how it is with you, but I have trouble keeping the rhyming so clean and fluent, so it amazes me even more.

I enjoyed the rhythm of the stanzas and ultimately the entire poem as well, although there were a couple of places where I stumbled over a word or line, either because it was too short or too long. For example, right in the first stanza: You start off beautifully, setting a smooth and easy to read rhythm with seven syllables, followed by a line with six syllables. This repeats which makes it flow so brilliantly. But with the line A long eleven centuries ago, you break it because it has ten syllables, too much for the set rhythm in the previous lines. Then the following line has six syllables again, so it is in-rhythm once more, but the line after that, This school came to grow, has only five syllables, which is too short and lets the reader stumble again. After that, there are the one or other lines that have too many or too few syllables, too. I find that once a certain rhythm is introduced, it’s disrupting the flow of a poem when altering the already set rhythm. I would suggest tweaking the lines that are out of rhythm to make the poem flow much better than it already does.

My main doubt is whether the Sorting Hat would sing a refrain. Sure, the songs in the books are really short in comparison to what you have written, but I can’t see the song repeating a stanza. I think it would be okay to repeat one or two stanzas once or twice, but you have one stanza appear nine times, which – in my opinion – is stretching it quite a bit. I know there was a word count, a high one for a poem, too, but I think if you had maybe shown more about the single houses like their characteristics and colours for example, the word count would have been manageable as well.

Overall, I liked this poem, but I think you could have worked a bit more on it to make it perfect.

Author's Response: Wow, great review! Thanks! ^_^ I have to admit, though, most of your criticisms come as a result of my laziness. ^^; I know the Sorting Hat probably wouldn't use a refrain, but I got frustrated with the word count, and about halfway through, it became exceedingly difficult to think of things to add to the song so I wasn't being repetitious in a worse way--just rewording stanzas that say essentially the same thing later in the song. Refrains are common, so I went ahead and used a good stanza that I thought conveyed the right meaning to tie it together, and repeated it as a refrain. I also got tired and frustrated from revising the problem lines, and just left the disturbances in the rhythm in the poem once I finished it. ^^;; I'm not usually one for poetry, I did it mainly for the challenge, and it wore greatly on my patience even imperfect as it is. But I'm really glad you enjoyed it!

Avery, this story is lovely. It showed Luna’s psyche very well, and how she changed from a laugh-loving girl to a silent one after her mother’s tragic accident. And yet, at the end she turns back into a girl that loves life and singing. And speaking of her mother’s accident: you described it very vividly without creating too much fright, and I felt really sorry for Luna to have been there and watch her mother die. And some paragraphs before that, when her mother was cooking and there was a bang, I was afraid that would be the accident and Luna would re-enter the kitchen to find her mother gone. I lived with Luna through your story and felt what she felt.

The rock was a dark navy blue, and glistened in the sun. It reminded her of the blue all around her, surrounding us everyday. Luna wondered if the rock could think, because if it could then she supposed it was meditating. If it was, the rock would be very happy because it would have no emotional distress. She wished the pebble would teach her how to meditate, because she found herself useless at it. Maybe if she tried to be the rock, Luna would learn how to meditate. After all, how would anyone learn to fly if they didn’t watch birds?

This paragraph is my favourite; I loved your description with the blue stone, and that Luna delved into the blue nothing when meditating. Alone these sentences above have really good images that painted the story into my mind while reading, but all words of your story combined make it a wonderful read.

Some tiny nitpicks I noticed though:

The first is in the paragraph above. There, in the second sentence, it should say “surrounding us every day.” That should be two words, not one like you wrote it.

Then you once forgot to close the speech with quotation marks, and the word “window” you once wrote without the “n” in its middle.

It made her feel as though she really was part of the blue when this happened, she could almost feel myself blown away.

I believe that should have been “she could almost feel herself blown away”.

To Luna, the Blue was the emptiness that filled the space, the nothingness that surrounded her. Up high, it was blue, but here where we stand it was colorless. Maybe, if she stood at the top of the sky and looked down, it would be blue here, too.

The second part in the second sentence in this paragraph is a bit confusing. You write out of Luna’s POV, but suddenly you change the pronoun to “we”. Was this intended?

But apart from these mistakes, the story is just great. I can only recommend to read it, to everybody.

~Bine

Author's Response: Thanks for the help Bine. What would I do without the review circle? I'll look into those corrections at once. :] Oh, and as you so accurately picked up, this story was once first person (and present tense but it seems all those mistakes were thankfully taken care of). Your review means a lot! *is very tempted to go review one of Bine's stories now* -Avery

I liked this chapter. It’s a fantastic opening to an interesting story, and you managed to capture the reader’s interest with the plot and introduction to the characters.

Speaking of which: I am impressed by your characterisation. I really like that you gave a lot of thought into the names and way of speaking. I especially noticed the Scottish accent. When reading the dialogue, I could clearly hear it in my head; it sounded just like Scottish people speak. Excellent job. It adds a lot to your story by sounding so realistic and natural.

I also liked the appropriately chosen setting and description of the place, although I wished you would have given the reader a bit more details in the description, especially on how the characters look like. We know nearly nothing about them, and I had some troubles to get an image of each character in my head. A subtly added description with the action would help a lot. For example, if you were to show how Ronan and Bran are built, the reader can better imagine the playful fight they have on the kitchen floor and thus get a better grasp of the entire scene. You don’t have to include complete paragraphs of description, but adding adjectives here and there work wonders.

Nonetheless, I got intrigued by this first chapter and would like to know how the story is going to continue. Please continue writing it. I find it to be an enjoyable read.

Terri, I liked your story. It was great reading, and you did an amazing work with it seeing that it was a last-minute plot badger. Best I liked these two paragraphs:

Remus reached down to pull Sirius up. The two men embraced briefly. As James stood, he also embraced Remus as Sirius went over to Peter to do the same. James then turned to Peter to continue the tradition the four boys had started the day of their first official mission for the Order of the Phoenix.

They each embraced each other and never once said goodbye. It was understood that during each mission any one of them could be killed. They vowed to never say goodbye as that would indicate they expected to not see each other again. Instead, the embrace said it all.

It’s wonderful how you show that the Marauders never said goodbye to each other and that they only hug. Words can sometimes be very powerful, especially when magic is involved, and that a “goodbye” could mean an expectation to not see each other again is a wonderful picture you’ve brought in there. Also, I like a lot how you included Peter into the scene. I’m not much of a fan of him and tend to forget about him in the Marauders’ plot badgers I have running myself, but he was part of their group and he must have had something that brought the other three to make him their friend. You showed well that their friendship was quite deep, and never, having not read chapter three where Sirius thought if Remus could be the traitor, had I thought they were at the point already where Peter was already spying for Voldemort. Nothing in the story indicated anything of that sort, and that’s what surprised me in chapter three. Well done.

Also, I liked the moment when Lily said she’s expecting a child, and all are dumbfounded for a moment. With James then hurrying over to her and literally “throwing” Sirius off the couch was a nice and somewhat funny moment in a story that portrays anxiety – anxiety to lose someone forever, anxiety of Lily to wait for the safe return of her friends.

And speaking of Lily’s anxiety: She was worried to death every time James went out to do business for the Order. And the moment Sirius told her about the curses-being-repelled-from-the-cloak-incident – just let me say it was nice to see Lily being calm and yet upset at the same time. But I think she would be more upset than you have portrayed it.

See, Lily loved James and was about to have his child. They were at war. All she cared about was that James should come back home, alive. And just because of this I believe she would have reacted much angrier when Sirius told her about the curses and the cloak. The way you wrote it she said some threatening words, then stormed out of the kitchen, slammed a door and sat on her bed, tears in her eyes. We know from OotP and DH that Lily can have quite a temperament when being angry, and I don’t believe that any person who has a temperament like Lily wouldn’t shout or start cursing (with words, not wands ;) ). You could have written this part with much more emotions of Lily directly in front of the men. Right, she’s an adult now and will surely have matured, but we see it with Mrs Weasley, too; she has a similar temperament to Lily’s in my opinion and she can get very upset and loud if something happened she can’t cope with easily. The passage how you wrote it is good, but I’d have liked to see more of the “explosion” Sirius feared. Upon those words I expected a violent volcanic eruption to speak in pictures, but all I saw in the end was an acrid tower of smoke coming from the volcano.

What I had to double read in this passage, too, was Remus’ appearance. According to your descriptions in chapter one, he had a lot of blood running down his face. But then he simply walked into the kitchen. Even though Dumbledore and Lily had treated him for an hour, I think having nobody ask him how he’s doing or feeling is a bit odd. You just go on with Remus asking who dared to lie to Lily, and that’s a bit abrupt in my opinion.

I couldn’t help but notice some minor grammar mistakes, too:

Chapter one:

In the last sentence I believe you forgot an „and“ – The three men pulled Remus to his feet and Disapparated.

Chapter two:

There should be a comma after “Snape” since the following part of the sentence is part of the dialogue and cannot stand alone. – One of the two of them could have been Snape,” Peter answered her honestly.

In this sentence I think you forgot a “what”, although the sentence would make sense without it. But when reading it in combination with the sentence after, it makes no real sense anymore, at least not to me. – I know what you are thinking.

A few sentences further down you misspelled a word: With a glance towards Dumbledore, Sirius continued, …

And this part looks odd to me:

“I am only going to say this once,” she stopped talking and stood up, looking at each of them in turn, her gaze even resting on Remus who had just entered the kitchen.

In my opinion this sentence is not entirely correct when looking at the dialogue. You start with personal speech of Lily, but then you continue with “she stopped talking”. It’s a really abrupt brake within the sentence, underlined by the usage of the comma. The second part doesn’t contain a word that indicates that Lily had said, told, reported, asked etc. Sure, you have “stopped talking” in the second part, but it doesn’t really connect to the words she had actually spoken. You see what I mean? Had you for example written “I am only going to say this once,” she warned and stood up…, then the comma would be justified. But since you used “stopped talking”, it’s opening a second sentence that has not really much to do with the actual speech of Lily. I’d therefore rather see you make it to two separate sentences: “I am only going to say this once.” She stopped talking and…

I’m stopping my review here. I’ve read chapter three also, but at the moment I think this review has got long enough and I don’t want to scare you away with my thoughts. And it’s the longest review I’ve written so far… However, know that I would very much like to read other chapters to this story, because I think if you’re going to include how Dumbledore got hold of James’ cloak, it’s going to be an even better story than it already is, albeit I missed some things in the passages I commented above.

And finally congratulations on getting the story up before the deadline closed and good luck with the competition. I’m crossing my fingers for my fellow Hufflepuff and awesome beta.

~Bine


Author's Response: Bine, What can I say about this review. Wow comes to mind first. I went through and fixed the typos. Thank you for spotting them. I also added a line when Remus comes into the kitchen. What you said makes perfect sense. Someone would have asked if he was okay. I also added a bit in chapter three to explain why Lily didn't explode in the kitchen. I knew why in my head and forgot as I usually do the reader isn't in my head. Thank you for questioning her reaction. Thank you so much for this review. It means a lot to me you took the time to give such a through review. Terri

Terri, sweetie, this is such a nice story. I really liked how you incorporated the happiness and love, but also the sadness with the oncoming war. The story was fluent to read, and I could picture each scene as clearly in my head as if I’d watched the story as a movie.

Also, I enjoyed the slow but nonetheless funny build-up you did.

“Do you think he’s dead?”

“Well, if he is, it’s your fault. You’re the one who knocked him off the couch.”

“Hey, the rule is whoever can get and keep the couch gets to sleep on it. He passed out and I was still awake, so I pushed him off and took the couch for myself. I didn’t force him to drink so much Firewhisky with James.”

*giggles* Nice beginning, really. And in these few sentences you’ve started not only started a wonderful story, but also shown some specialities of the Marauders. I especially like the love between the four boys that you’ve written between the lines. Exceptional job.

And then comes Sirius’ first trial – explaining to James that really Lily loved him. It’s really difficult to talk sense into stupid people who have lost confidence, but you managed to write Sirius fantastically through it.

What amazed me was that you’ve written both Lily and James having sat in exactly the same position on their beds, worrying that the other wouldn’t love them. And that Sirius had his second trial with convincing Lily as he had to convince James – only that it was different this time due to Lily being a girl and crying.

I loved Sirius’ solution of how to get her to say that she loved James.

“Lily, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course you can. I might even have an answer for you,” Lily said, smiling slightly.

“Do you want to ditch this place and run away with me? I can make you happier than that fool of a Potter.” Sirius tried to keep his voice very serious.

Lily didn’t answer at first. In fact, to Sirius, she seemed to be considering it. Then raising herself up, she kissed him on the cheek.

“Sirius, I love James and I am marrying him today. You will just have to get over me and find a nice girl of your own.” Lily chuckled as she finished speaking.

Hahahahahahahahaha! ROTFLMAO That’s great! You took a serious situation, made it fantastic with your writing style and added humour to top it all. Wow, just awesome. I really like this part, it’s probably my favourite of the entire story.

“Lily, what makes him so special? What does he have that I don’t?” Sirius asked. He had asked her to run away with him as a joke, but he realised he really wanted to know what James had that made Lily fall in love with him.

Lily looked Sirius in the eye before saying simply, “My heart.”

Aww, that’s so sweet. It’s such a proof of Lily’s love to James, and ultimately a nice thing to write. *claps applause*

I then noticed some minor punctuation issues:

“Let him be. We still have a couple of hours,” Remus answered. “Let’s go have some breakfast.”

[…] a slight headache after last night’s drinking.

“No, I was awake listening to the two of you. Nice to know you would be so upset if I was dead,” Sirius said grumpily.

Lily, it’s okay.

What bugged me a bit more though was this part:

He knew in a few minutes he would be expected to make some sort of speech. He, of course, hadn’t given it more than a passing thought before now.

As the plates from dinner were being cleared, Sirius stood. He tapped lightly on the side of his glass to get everyone’s attention.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, “being true to form, I didn’t write a speech. It seemed too much like homework, and I rarely did that on time, so why change?” Sirius waited for the laughter to die down before continuing.

It’s a bit abrupt in my opinion. I’d thought about not having prepared a speech that Sirius would be more nervous, maybe slightly panicked. I imagined a kind of “Oh-my-God-in-a-few-minutes-I-have-to-give-a-speech-and-I’m-not-prepared!”-reaction. But the way you wrote it makes it like, don’t know, seem unrealistic. It’s hard to explain, but it’s lacking some deeper atmosphere.

Also, in the third of the above mentioned paragraphs, Sirius just begins talking. I’m missing some description here as to how he felt: nervous, excited, panicked because he has no idea whatsoever what to say. It might be me being slightly delirious, but that’s how I feel at this point of the one-shot. And I hope my babble made sense…

The speech itself is good. It’s nice and sounds like something one would say at a wedding. Also, the idea with the bet was fabulous. Liked it a lot. And I loved the sentence where Sirius says that Lily is now a Marauder by marriage. LOL Nice idea.

And the actual ending…

He also made a secret wish. A wish he would never tell anyone. As the first star came out in the sky, Sirius looked at it and made his wish.

“I wish for all of us to always be this happy.”

Aww… *snief* *sob* *cry* This is the sadness I spoke about at the beginning. It’s so sad and tears my heart apart reading stories where the oncoming events are incorporated somehow – in your case with the wish. Everyone who knows the books knows what will happen, and it makes me really want to cry all day long about the Marauders being ripped apart from within.

All in all it was a wonderful one-shot, and I enjoyed reading it. *hugs*

~Bine


Author's Response: Bine, I LOVE getting a review from you. I will fix those nasty punctuation errors. As far as the emotion with the speech, I once again fell under the "I know what is going on in my mind" syndrome. I really am trying to avoid that. LOL I will fix it. You said in the beginning of your review it was like watching the story as a movie in your head. That is exactly how I write. No plan, I just write the movie playing in my head. Hence, my occasional slip into the syndrome of knowing what is going on and forgetting to tell the readers. Thank you so much for your review. As I said, I am so happy to get a review from you. I know it will be a detailed review. Thanks again. Terri

Chapters five and six were another two interesting and well-written chapters. I really like your fiction, your way of telling Dieter’s story. Your narration sounds natural, and what most fascinates me is that you create Dieter’s worlds with a love to the detail. Everything from the clothes via the names of streets to the currency is minutely described without overpowering the plot else. You obviously spend a lot of time on the details, and you show them, not just tell, which makes reading easy, fluent and enjoyable. The narration thus flows naturally.

What I also liked very much is that in the last two chapters you introduced the other side of Dieter, Dieter the wizard. He’s a typical eleven-year-old boy who is fascinated by the prospect of doing magic, of being something special. You showed nicely his enthusiasm of discovering the hidden world of magic, and it adds perfectly to what we already know about Dieter from the first four chapters. Also, it fits completely how I imagine any child of that age would react when confronted with what Dieter experiences. I can already see that Dieter will one day be an important personality in the Zweites Zauberreich, even maybe dangerous, but still a likable character with which I as the reader have spent a lot of time.

Chapter six in itself is a diamond of fiction because you have so many similarities to the Harry Potter books and Diagon Alley, but still inserted a lot of new ideas, your own, of how another hidden shopping place could look like. The similarities make it obvious that your story is a fanfiction to Rowling’s books, but the differences in details show that you try to create something original nonetheless – with success. Then the addition of an unknown wandmaker and his friendly banter with Odoaker who talk about Gregorovitch (which is spelt with a t according to my copy of GoF, by the by) and Ollivander answer a question of mine: Why didn’t Dieter get his wand from Gregorovitch? Your answer bridges back to the Harry Potter books, completing the circle of canon and fanfiction with original details. Also, I liked that you gave the tailor in The Spinster as a name the translation of her profession – Näherin. Genius, but I doubt many will notice.

Though, a small advice: Depending on where Durmstrang and the Gellert Grindelwald Platz are located, I would be careful with giving a lot of people German names or having them say German words all throughout their sentences. It might start tending towards too much. With Dieter, I can imagine him saying “Mutti” and such words easily, but having an unknown small child say “Mutti” feels a bit weird if the family isn’t German – which I couldn’t know since they’re only passers-by. And remember, Viktor Krum, a Bulgarian, went to Durmstrang, too. I doubt he would speak much German, if any at all. Maybe you could vary even more with inserting fragments of other languages such as Bulgarian, Slavic etc. Knowing you, I’m sure you can pull it off correctly so that it fits the story beautifully.

Another detail I found truly enticing was the little four-line poem you inserted in chapter six:

All Wizards are Brothers
All Witches are Sisters

All wizardkind, forward!
For the Greater Good!

Again, it reminds me of the speeches of Hitler’s time and it draws me into Dieter’s world even more. I can see many similarities between Germany of 1939 and the Zweites Zauberreich, and yet the story is still vague enough to not spoil future events. I know how WWII ended for Germany and can imagine how the Zweites Zaubbereich will end when Dumbledore defeats Grindelwald, but I’m curious of what will happen to Dieter. How will he fare? You make me curious and I’m looking forward to read more.

Overall, I can only repeat what I said in earlier reviews: Tim, you leave me in awe. Please keep updating regularly. Für das Größere Wohl is brilliant.

~Bine

Author's Response:

Hello Bine!

Continuing with chapter four, you divulge into a family evening, introducing us to Dieter and his siblings. I liked the way you showed Hans and Dieter bantering, and that Hans had difficulties concentrating on the book Mein Kampf. I personally haven’t read it, but I’ve heard that it’s not the best literary book there is. And still, it gave even more insight into the era.

What confused me a bit, though, were Hans and the pages he was reading on. Did he read the book backwards? Because before Dieter had the idea of reading to his younger siblings, Hans had only progressed about five pages into Mein Kampf. Then, Hans […] was still struggling with the fourth page of Mein Kampf, and when Dieter started reading aloud, Hans [was] looking up from the third page of Mein Kampf. Did he have to go back page by page because he didn’t understand what he had “read” previously and thus had to reread it?

But moving on. The younger siblings are positively cute, and I chuckled about Paul’s homework troubles and the exasperated Dieter explaining it to him. This small scene characterised both boys nicely, and added perfectly to the chapter’s setting of a quiet family evening. Also, again, it showed the teachings of that time, and that the Aryans were better and stronger than any other race. It was a simple way to portray those beliefs and yet very effective, like young children’s homework would have looked like back then.

The story you invented of Sky Captain Otto von Von was neat, and it read like being a true children’s book from Hitler’s era. Again, you leave me envying your creativity and ability to perfectly portray the time period.

Flower the owl was very sweetly described; the little feathery ball gave me an instant picture, and I would have loved to have seen that owl with my own eyes. And yet, despite being cute, the animal is trained and just waiting for the response. I chuckled at Dieter’s father’s antics of shooing the bird out without it moving. It’s really entertaining, and like in the Harry Potter books, authentically shows that the post owls were indeed very clever animals.

Some advice though: Be careful with dialogue. I noticed some parts were the dialogue should have been capitalised, like in the sentence He handed his parents the letter and the envelope and added, “and it’s addressed to me.” The “and” when Dieter starts speaking needs to be capitalised. Also, I noticed that sometimes, when someone addresses another person with their name, you forget to put the name in commas, like for example in the sentence You see Melita? (end of chapter three). There should be a comma after “you see”.

Another great chapter closes and leaves me waiting for more. Excellent work, Tim.

~Bine

Author's Response:

Guten Tag, Bine! So sorry it’s taken me so incredibly long to respond – I do apologise. But thanks for reading and leaving such a great, long review!

H.J., Hannah, this was a really beautiful story. I loved it a lot. It brought across the grief one feels after losing a beloved person in a very delicate way, allowing the reader to feel with and for the characters. I found you handled this saddening topic wonderfully, as from the first word I got caught up in the story and needed to read on to find out what happened. The style of your narration added to the thoughtfulness of the story; the slow pace suited the story brilliantly because it enabled me to get more into the emotions you conveyed.

I find your characterisation of Hermione to be great. I could easily see Hermione being this depressed after losing her daughter. From the books, I know that she cares a lot about her friends. You took this and went further. By showing her to be a mother deeply in love with her child, you allowed me as the reader to feel sympathy with Hermione at her loss. You thus grabbed my attention and bound me to the story which is an important factor to keep a reader’s interest. You caught and kept mine. :)

Ron’s characterisation I thought to be very well done as well. That he was the rational one in this story is a wonderful and new take on his adult self, and I really enjoyed reading it as it was a refreshing interpretation of his character. It also showed that he cared not only for his dead daughter but for his wife as well. The culmination of this was the vision Hermione had of Ron (and Harry) in tears. It was very emotional and brought me to tears myself.

The idea of Hermione to seek answers in the Department of Mysteries was surprising but – in my opinion – very original. However, from the books, I had the impression that Hermione is more of the law-abiding type of person and would therefore rather work in, for example, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. To me, Hermione never appeared to be the kind of person that is very much interested in speculations and mysteries; after all, she dropped Divination. And while Divination is future-telling more than speculations, to someone like Hermione with her logical thinking and love for facts it would appear as being speculative and mysterious. I therefore cannot really see Hermione working in the Department of Mysteries. That you do have her work there proves to be an interesting and unclichéd plot development, but I think if you had her work in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement instead, for example, she – as a Ministry employee – could still have access to the Department of Mysteries. Yet, like I said, I liked that she would go there and seek this place out for help in her darkest hour; it’s an interesting take on her character, something I haven’t yet seen.

What I liked as well was the scene where she talked with Lupin, asking and receiving answers. It shows that even someone who loves facts like Hermione does, and who usually knows the answer before a question is asked, is changed drastically when grief takes over her world. She can’t think clearly anymore, and you brought that across perfectly.

However, I can’t quite see Lupin talk like he did in your story. When I read the first few of his words, I immediately envisioned Dumbledore. The words you have Lupin speak sound more like being spoken by an aged, wise man. They reminded me strongly of the station scene in Deathly Hollows, when Harry talked with Dumbledore after his supposed death by Voldemort. Dumbledore certainly was aged and wise. Lupin died quite young. While he was very smart and was shown as a source of answers for Harry in especially his third year, but later as well, I doubt Lupin would convey the same wisdom Dumbledore did. To me, from his portrayal in the books, Dumbledore may have made mistakes in the past, but he was nonetheless a man whom Harry trusted the most, I think. Additionally, Hermione didn’t have this “bond” with Lupin Harry had. He was her teacher, and later a companion in the fight against Voldemort, but not much more. Why she would talk to him is a bit mysterious to me.

What I liked was that Tonks and Lupin are taking care of Sophie. I liked it, as it fits with Tonks not having had the time with her own child. I even found the mentioning of Lily and James wanting to watch after Sophie, but that Tonks and Lupin insisted to take her instead, a little bit funny. It brightened the otherwise quite dark atmosphere of the story and created a beautiful, light moment. I found that it also built a bridge back to the sad circumstances of Lily and James dying young and Harry not having his parents when growing up. I liked the way you interwove happiness and sadness.

In this regard, let me congratulate you on how well you incorporated the prompt of the challenge. I found it to be mastered perfectly, giving the story its backbone and plot.

The end of the story was heartbreaking. I was so happy that Hermione chose to go back to Ron, that she missed him as much as he missed her. And I loved the little scene at the end where Rose was born, and Hermione presented her to Sophie. It was a very nice ending of the story, leaving me happy that Hermione moved on with her life, but at the same time I was sad that Rose will never meet Sophie and get to know her. Ending the story on this quite light tone gave it a hopeful touch that brightened my heart.

Something I noticed was a couple missing punctuations. For example, in the sentence His voice caught on the last word and when she turned to look at him she saw that his face was stained with tears., there are two missing commas: after “word” and “him”. In some other places, I missed a full stop at the end of a sentence. In a flowing narration, a missing full stop makes it difficult to realise when a sentence finishes and a new one starts; it gets confusing.

Overall, I can only repeat what I said at the beginning: that I loved this story. It is written beautifully, flowing and very emotional. It’s definitely a story that needs to be recommended. Thank you for a wonderful read, you two.

~Bine

Carole, this was a great first chapter and a wonderful beginning to a chaptered story. I loved it. It was fantastically written, and really entertaining to read it. I could laugh and giggle and snort and everything – it got me hooked from the first moment on and I enjoyed it immensely.

What surprised me – but made it all more charming – is that you gave Andromeda the nickname of our own beloved Meda. *squishes Meda and Carole* In other stories about Andromeda Tonks I’ve seen her nickname being Andy, but Meda is a really nice and refreshing change.

[…] Nymphadora excited was a wonderful sight to see as her hair kept changing like a kaleidoscope.

This is such a great sentence. It shows perfectly that Tonks, even as a (small) child, had a thing about changing her hair. You didn’t need the word “Metamorphmagus” to explain her powers, but with “changing like a kaleidoscope” it’s already described what you mean because everybody has seen or possessed a kaleidoscope in their life. It’s multicoloured, it’s great and everyone loves a kaleidoscope – exactly like Tonks: multicoloured hair, great personality, and everyone loves her to pieces, like you show later in the chapter, when Lily and the other Marauders come to visit Sirius. She’s just adorable, and I like how you portrayed her as a child. Can’t wait to see how you write her as an adult.

What made me stumble in the above mentioned part of a sentence is the beginning – Nymphadora excited. I honestly had to stop reading and thought, “What?” I went back, believing I misread something. You see, I’d thought it should be “an excited Nymphadora” rather than what you’ve written. It’s not bad how you’ve written it, but in the first moment, I was rather puzzled because I had never before heard or seen it.

But going on: The following dialogue made me laugh out loud. “Where is he, Mum?” – “Probably still asleep,” […] – “I’ve been up for hours!” Ahahahahahahaha, I love the humour you brought into it. *chuckles and reads on*

What gave me some troubles when reading where hyphens and dashes. Sometimes you used hyphens instead of where dashes were needed, like here: But Bellatrix had always had a darker side – darker even than black – lurking in her eyes, a darkness that repelled Sirius. And when there was need for a hyphen, at least in my opinion, you didn’t either make one, like it should be here: Andromeda looked across at the black-haired young man lounging in an armchair. or you made them but with a space afterwards although there shouldn’t be a space, like here: Then try this, my little partner-in-crime. Of course, especially with the second example I might be mistaken; in that case please ignore me. :o But this kind of “mistakes” (for lack of a better word) disturbed me a bit. It’s not grave, but it let me stumble over the text more than once, forcing me to go back a paragraph to reread it much slower to get the sentences because my mind was busy with solving the riddle of “dash or hyphen?”. I really suggest you space the dashes from the surrounding texts, much similar as to how I do it even within this review, and look into not spacing hyphens.

And I noticed two other small mistakes:

I don’t know really know either. – Shouldn’t that be with only one “know”?

Nymphadora, why don’t you go and find some biscuits. – This is, as far as I know, a question. Therefore it should have a question mark rather than a period at the end of the sentence.

[…] we have nicknames.”
“What are they?” she enquired.
“James is Prongs, Remus is Moony and Peter is Wormtail,” he replied.
“What silly names. I’d rather be something cool. What do they call you?” she asked.
“Padfoot. Is that cool?” He widened his eyes imploringly in what he hoped was a cute manner.
She considered. “S’okay I suppose. Better than Moony- that’s just silly!”
Sirius chuckled, “Remus will be so pleased to hear that.”

*snorts* That’s so adorable. I can really feel that she hates her given name and wants to be called differently. And this small part also shows that you know how children of that age can be. It’s really realistically written, and mixed with a humorous touch which makes it just adorable.

What I also loved was the flashback. The Black Family and stories about them are my favourites, and reading a small flashback with Sirius as a child was extraordinary. But two small nitpicks I have found and want to share with you: Sirius’ mother’s name is Walburga, and in this sentence, there should be a comma after “no”: No, he can’t.

And another thing I noticed: punctuations. There were some places (two or three I believe) where there was a period missing at the end, and some quotation marks were off – either set in the wrong place or missing or opening instead of closing. Have a look out for that one. It’s not grave or bad, but for someone like me who tends to carefully check the punctuation when reading, it was annoying when seeing something off and not being able to go and edit it. lol

Another laughable scene was when Sirius learnt Lily is pregnant and Tonks asks how the baby comes into her belly. *gigglesnorts* Just too adorable – I see why Lily had difficulties staying all composed and not saying “Aww, she’s so adorable” but rather “Wow, you’re cool, kid.” LOL Greatly done, I really like it. And I like it even more that you’ve written it with this humorous touch. This is what makes the chapter so entertaining to read.

But the end gets darker and a lot sadder, and in my opinion it beautifully ends a great first chapter. The last paragraphs and scenes are indicating that something’s wrong with Peter, and no one other than a six year old child picks it up. I’m always surprised at what children notice whereas we adults are blinded already and don’t see it because we just can’t see it. The same with how Tonks saw Peter and Sirius’ reaction towards it:

“I’d like to see Lily again,” she murmured.
“Not the others?” he said.
“Well,” she said, turning her head to one side as she considered. “James was funny, but...”
“What is it? Are you scared of something, Tonks?”
She looked up at him, her big dark eyes looked slightly fearful.
“Is it Moony?” he said, wondering how on earth she’d managed to pick up that he was a werewolf and wondering how the hell he was going to explain to her that he wasn’t scary.
“No,” she replied. “It wasn’t Moony- he just seemed sort of sad.” She paused. “It was Peter.”
“Peter,” he said laughing. “He wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

It makes me happy to know that at least someone was there who noticed Peter’s oddness, but at the same time I’m sad that little Tonks will never see Lily and James again. And now you’ve done it; I’m crying over the end of your story! *sniefs, sobs, cries* See it as a compliment that I could get emotionally touched which doesn’t happen with every fanfiction I read – only the better ones.

Carole, I can only repeat what I already said at the beginning: that’s a fantastic first chapter, and I can’t wait to go on with chapter two. *squishes*

~Bine

PS: This review is long enough to be a one-shot itself. It’s over 1,200 words long. O.O Hehee… *skips off hurriedly*

Author's Response: Awwww! Thank-you. Firstly thank-you so much for your nit-picks. To be honest I have no idea what the difference is between a hyphen and a dash (Oh the shame!) and yes you're right about the missing question marks and stuff. I shall look into that and re-edit. I'm glad you liked Tonks as a child. Some of those things she said came directly from my daughters mouth (she's 6 and "'lergic to eggs") and the bit where James says "Very carefully" about the baby getting into Lily's tummy was a direct quote from my husband (ha ha) I can't believe I got Walburga's name wrong- that is rubbish and shall be amended post-haste! You've written a one shot for a review- WOW! Glad you liked 'Meda' as her nickname I always think 'Dromeda' sounds awful. Thank-yo again- marvellous review.

Ohh, what a cliffhanger! You couldn’t do it more gripping, could you? Now it’s late and I can’t go on reading… *sighs*

Anyway. What an interesting chapter! I really like that Tonks is so “obsessed” with Sirius being innocent, and that she tries to prove it by brewing Veritaserum. Nice plot development there. Love it. Also, the relationship with Charlie is just fitting nicely. Pity she doesn’t feel the same for him he feels for her.

I also quite like Severus’ characterisation. He’s so sarcastically written, and Tonks’ wit in her responses to him is brilliant. You really do know how to characterise Tonks. I marvel at it. She’s funny, she’s witty, she’s a person you have to like instantly. Great job.

Though, I noticed some mistakes in punctuation. You missed – twice or thrice – the opening or closing speech marks, making it a bit confusing while reading. Also, sometimes, I missed a comma, like for example in the sentence As she stashed them in her trunk she spilt some of the ground Newt powder over her T shirt. where there should be one after “in her trunk”. And shouldn’t “T-shirt” be hyphenated, too? Also, I noticed some commas that would do better as semi-colons or periods: “It’s six thirty in the morning, he’s probably asleep,” snapped the Fat Lady.

But all in all, a great chapter. Can’t wait to read on and find out about Remus’ reaction!

Author's Response: I have to say that this particular cliff was my favourite. That girl really knows how to get herself into trouble. I'm so pleased you like Tonks. She is my absolute favourite character so I'm glad you see her as well rounded. Remus' reaction is pretty cool too. Snape was fun to write. I didn't want him to be as unsympathetic as he is in the real books because I figured he wouldn't be quite so bitter before Harry turned up.

I shall attend to the punctuation slips. I was wondering if I could get away with callin it a comma splice ...

Perhaps not! Thanks for the review, Bine. Carole xxx