I am eighteen and cheerful and in love with words, and one day I shall write something that ends happily.
I'm going to sit here and sulk at you for ending that chapter there. It's a compliment, in my own twisted fashion.
I've read one of Kerichi's Andromeda/Ted stories too, and I love how you both have Ted laid-back and easy-going. You do him particularly well--His perpetually messy state makes Andromeda (who can get the socks to fold themselves!) his perfect complement...as well as suggesting Tonks gets it from her dad. Good Ted/Andromeda stories are few and far between, so finding this one really made my day.
Few odd things: when Aveline says, "Look, there he is! Ooh, I wish I could get his attention somehow!", I first assumed it was Andromeda talking to her friend about Ted (which wouldn't make sense.) I thought that because you didn't mention the Ravenclaw Aveline had been watching until the end of the paragraph. Five pargraphs later, the phrase "It all bloody mental" needs a verb. When he's walking down to the greenhouses, the phrase "As much as I love the cold though" would be better without the 'though'. Last thing, and this is purely me: I don't like the nickname "Teddy" for Ted Tonks. I can't see it on anyone but Teddy Lupin. Sorry.
Good work, and please update soon! Have a nice day!
Author's Response: thank you. :]
I'm going to sit here and sulk at you for ending that chapter there. It's a compliment, in my own twisted fashion.
I've read one of Kerichi's Andromeda/Ted stories too, and I love how you both have Ted laid-back and easy-going. You do him particularly well--His perpetually messy state makes Andromeda (who can get the socks to fold themselves!) his perfect complement...as well as suggesting Tonks gets it from her dad. Good Ted/Andromeda stories are few and far between, so finding this one really made my day.
Few odd things: when Aveline says, "Look, there he is! Ooh, I wish I could get his attention somehow!", I first assumed it was Andromeda talking to her friend about Ted (which wouldn't make sense.) I thought that because you didn't mention the Ravenclaw Aveline had been watching until the end of the paragraph. Five pargraphs later, the phrase "It all bloody mental" needs a verb. When he's walking down to the greenhouses, the phrase "As much as I love the cold though" would be better without the 'though'. Last thing, and this is purely me: I don't like the nickname "Teddy" for Ted Tonks. I can't see it on anyone but Teddy Lupin. Sorry.
Good work, and please update soon! Have a nice day!
Author's Response: Hmmm, those are good points. I\'ll have to fix those later when I have more time. I don\'t remember using the nickname Teddy though. lol. I\'ll have to check that out.
And thank you. I\'m glad you enjoyed the story. I know what you mean by that. I hate and love it when chapters and/or stories end like that. You always want more, which is what I want. lol. Kerichi has kindly agreed to go over my chapters for extra advice after my beta does so as soon as I get them back from her, I hope to be submitting the second chapter.
Aw. Merlin, I'm obsessed with the Marauders, and the with all the friendships, betrayals, lost time, it's one huge tragedy that makes me want to cry. Like I did in DH. Like a little kid.
I think you did a fantastic job creating the tension between Remus and Sirius after Voldemort's return, esp. with how you describe Sirius. Sometimes it's easy for them, but sometimes it's not, and you did well showing that.
A few odd things here or there--"flea ridden dog" was just a typo. It sounds like you have Sirius falling asleep in the chair when you say "his place in Remus' chair was unmoved", but then what about "unsteadily standing up from his cramped bed"? "He grasped at the face, the arms, anything, and shoved him closer." I would change 'shoved' to 'pulled', seeing as Sirius is against a wall?
Last thing: I'm assuming Sirius' wand was snapped when he went to Azkaban, so the wand Remus bought for him was new, right? For the wand to work well for Sirius, the wand would have had to have chosen Remus in the shop, and Sirius would have had to win it from him. You could do a lot of things with a mock duel between the two for the sole purpose of Sirius winning the wand's allegiance. Being left wandless is also a metaphor for vulnerability, so you could definitely play off of that. Unless, of course, it really is Sirius' old wand.
Even though I don't ship the pair, I enjoyed this chapter immensely. Good job, keep writing, and have a nice day!
Author's Response: Well, Ron always used one of his brother\'s wands growing up, so I figured that if Remus chose a wand for Sirius, it would suffice. Other than that bit, thank you for the amazing review!
Aw, poor Lily! I never saw Barty Crouch Jr. like that, really, at least not while he was younger, but it works. You do a good Remus and a good James--I can see Remus getting stuck as the go-between, it made me laugh.
I think the only thing I didn't like was the extra Evans sister. Is she necessary for the plotline? If you need a mediator between Lily and Petunia, their mother would serve better than an extra sister--I have two, and when any two of us fight, the other one usually takes sides...and eggs it on. :)
I enjoyed it very much, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Will there be more of the Marauders? *fingers crossed*
Author's Response: Thank you! I have worked hard on Remus and James, and yeah, Remus as the go-between made me laugh too. The extra Evans sister is necessary, actually. After her falling-out with Snape (SWM), Poppy is her "home" link.
Of course there will be more of the Marauders! :) Thank you very much!
Now with more Snape down the Whomping Willow! Check out Chapter 10: A Highly Amusing Joke and Chapter 11: Skyfall
You want to know what I think? I think that was amazing! I would have imagined Sirius in the library trying to figure it out with James, but the way you did it was good. James and Sirius were perfectly in character the whole time, it was fantastic.
I also really like that you didn't overuse the "sick mother" excuse, but played it just right, and threw in some other pretty transparent excuses as well. My favorite line in this story is when the Fat Lady asks how they reappeared, and James says, "Magic." The eternally best retort in the history of Harry Potter, no matter who uses it.
Oh, yeah, Shrieking (as in the Shrieking Shack) has the i before the e.
Anyway, excellent work--I can't believe this is your first fic--and please update soon!
Author's Response: I\'m so glad you liked it!!!! I\'ve read some of your fics too and I think you do great work, so it really makes me happy you like my work too. \"Magic\" is one one my favorite lines as well. It just seemed so... fitting, in the Potterverse. I can\'t believe I misspelled Shrieking! Remind me to flog my editor (I kid, she\'s actually really excellent). I\'ll fix that error right away. I will update as soon as my editor sends my second chapter back. Thank you so much for your review!
You want to know what I think? I think that was amazing! I would have imagined Sirius in the library trying to figure it out with James, but the way you did it was good. James and Sirius were perfectly in character the whole time, it was fantastic.
I also really like that you didn't overuse the "sick mother" excuse, but played it just right, and threw in some other pretty transparent excuses as well. My favorite line in this story is when the Fat Lady asks how they reappeared, and James says, "Magic." The eternally best retort in the history of Harry Potter, no matter who uses it.
Oh, yeah, Shrieking (as in the Shrieking Shack) has the i before the e.
Anyway, excellent work--I can't believe this is your first fic--and please update soon!
You want to know what I think? I think that was amazing! I would have imagined Sirius in the library trying to figure it out with James, but the way you did it was good. James and Sirius were perfectly in character the whole time, it was fantastic.
I also really like that you didn't overuse the "sick mother" excuse, but played it just right, and threw in some other pretty transparent excuses as well. My favorite line in this story is when the Fat Lady asks how they reappeared, and James says, "Magic." The eternally best retort in the history of Harry Potter, no matter who uses it.
Oh, yeah, Shrieking (as in the Shrieking Shack) has the i before the e.
Anyway, excellent work--I can't believe this is your first fic--and please update soon!
You are amazing. You know that, right?
This was really very well planned out, the transition between a Potions mishap and Remus' silver poisoning beautifully executed. It was something that sort of sneaked up on him, and you seemed to intend for it to be that way. I could practically feel James' panic when he realized Remus had keeled over, you made it so real.
The nightmare fit in well, I think. It was a good place to put it, and I liked the werewolf attack better as a flashback than as a prologue, or being one of those "seven years later" sorts of things that a lot of people do...it's hard to pull the werewolf attack off well, but you did just fine.
The bold words from the dream were a little odd--I reckon the equivalent of italicizing them when you're already in italics is just to leave them in straight print. Everything else was impeccable. Bravo!
Author's Response: Thank you! And did I mention that you leave the BEST REVIEWS EVER! Siriusly, they make this fic worth writing all by themselves. I\'m glad you thought the nightmare fit in well. I\'m actually going to be doing a lot more with flashbacks in coming chapters, because I think Remus\'s past is important, but I think it\'s a bit more interesting to insert bits of the past in at times in the fic when they are relevant rather than lumping them all together in the beginning. And the bold words are weird, I know it, but they actually have to do with a small problem I\'m having in chapter seven with a flashback within a flashback. If I go to straight text, it makes it seem like I\'m going back to the present. Anyway, I\'ll talk it over with my editor, and it might get changed. Thanks again for the AMAZING review!
Agh! IhadtospeedreadthiscauseIhaveclassinabitandcan'tleavealongreview, but hurray for updates! Hurray for you for getting it in before the queue closed! I'll have to reread it slowly after the pres. debates tonight, but from what I saw...it was really good! *hugs*
There were a few spots here and here; James saying Evans was "a totally hot" minus the a, James later "swan in the river" to swam.
Your dialogue is, as always, to die for. Marauder banter was brill, loved their reactions to Remus getting the badge, and ohgod the girl-talk was like high school all over again--we really do sound like that, don't we?
Remus' face scars were a happy think-back to Shoebox Project. Ack, hurrying here, Marauder love, don't do anything terrible to kytalin please, missed you, update soon!
Author's Response: Class can be very inconvenient, I can relate. I have a midterm tomorrow that I should be studying for... but never mind. It was actually in the queue a week before it closed, before I even knew it was closing. Still took 3 weeks though, but the modlies are busy people, bless them. I'll check those typos. The girl-talk was actually a little challenging for me; I was just never that kind of girl in high school. Oddly, the Marauder banter comes much more easily to me, even though I was DEFINITELY never that kind of bloke. I'm glad you enjoyed it! And I wouldn't worry too much about Kytalin, the Remus tragically loses a sibling plot line has been done enough. Chapter 8 is still in the works, but it's going to have to wait until after those stupid midterms...*grumbles* Thanks for the review!
I missed a chapter. How did I miss a chapter?! You must have sneaked one by me.
This was good--not my favorite one so far, but definitely good. There were two long memories there, and it would have helped if you'd made them a tad more concise, but the subject matter was appropriate and necessary to make your point. I think you're pretty brave fitting the nicknaming of the Marauders into a flashback, but it worked out. The flashback with Remus' parents I liked the better of the two--interesting pair, aren't they? John's promise not to send Remus away was particularly moving, the way you did it, and him six and crying and scared just makes my heart HURT.
The werewolf murder of the ten-year old boy kind of paralleled the death of the MacDonald boy in HBP. When stuff like that happens, though, people do get up and all activist for a while. I shouldn't have laughed when James said, "Who died?" and someone really did, but I did laugh...a lot. More good Marauder-dynamics, them being protective and up in arms to defend werewolves because it meant defending Remus, each in their own way. Awkward-trying-to-talk-about-feelings Sirius was brill. James' explosiveness and Peter's trying to be sensitive were also right up there--pretty much how they would all react.
I do think you should take out the last two lines, though. They sound too narrated and might just hint at what's about to happen next.
'Kay, off to read six!
Author's Response: Pen love, I missed you! I'll try not to be so sneaky. I never intended the naming-thing to be a huge deal (actually, I intended to leave it out and just say they made then up over the summer) so I was comfortable making it just a quirky flashback. And don't worry, you're hardly the first person to laugh at the line "Who died?" It's meant to be funny, even if what happens next is not. I actually kind of stole the idea for this chapter from the (I'm sorry, canon freak) Montgomery boy in HBP. How the school would react, how Remus and the other Marauders would react - it was all too interesting to not write it out; I'm glad you thought my interpretation was accurate. The last two lines are supposed to hint at what's coming. They're supposed to make you think, "Oh Merlin, what's he going to do?!" and force you against your will to continue reading. Muahaha. Thanks for reviewing!
A quiet, boring chapter? Are you kidding?
I love arguments. LOVE them. And that was fantastic. Haley was probably faring better than James, because she had an example she could point to but James couldn't exactly point to Remus, but he fared all right. Remus sitting there praying to God had me rolling around on the floor. I've read some fics in which Remus is an atheist, and the reasoning is always funny. "Cue locusts now." *dies*
The scene afterwards was a mini-fight as well, even though it wasn't big and loud. Remus was pretty much dead right about someone getting suspicious, cause Snape figured it out. I wish Lily had defended werewolves on James' side, but I guess she probably is just doing her mutual empathy thing, being raised in a Muggle house, and doesn't know what to think.
There were one or two typos, but the only one I can see right off without scrolling back to the beginning is Snape's second to last comment (but he two are completely unrelated) needs a t.
Keep writing, Remus-genius. Cheers!
Author's Response: Yes, I was kidding. I'm glad you loved the arguments; they were fun/painful to write. And I had a little too much fun writing Remus's prayers I think. :) Lily doesn't really know much about werewolves other than what she's learned in DADA, so, while she doesn't have a reason to hate them, she really doesn't have a reason to defend them either. She only defends Remus because she thinks he's nice, but she's still in denial about what he is. I'll fix that typo and check for more, thanks for the tip. Chapter 7 is in the queue! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!!
Yeah, I like 'Stupid Ideas' as a title. I was rolling around laughing while I was reading this, it was so funny! If there was a prize for best Marauder dialogue/banter, I would vote for you. The whole argument with Peter in the middle, James' detention--oh, James' line "Try to be more of a nerd, Evans," followed by Lily's retort, “Try to be more of a git, Potter.”--you've nailed the Marauders, and Lily, and that's really hard to do. And you're only two chapters in! My most astonished congratulations!
I'm skeptical/wary of OC's in general, even my own necessary ones, but Delangela wasn't annoying. She makes a pretty good background character...
I'm looking forward to the next chapter, and curious as to how you're going to make them Animagi. Does J.K. ever mention a process, or is it fanon guessing?
Author's Response: Yay! Reviews like this never fail to make super happy, even when I\'m blue. Thank you so much! It seems you enjoyed reading my jokes as much as I enjoyed writing them, and that makes my day. I like to include a lot of dialogue in my fics because it is my favorite part to read in other fics and books in RL; I\'m glad you think I\'m doing such a good job with it. As a canon freak, characterization of JKR\'s character\'s is very important to me, so I\'m also super glad you think I nailed them! I was really quite nervous at the idea of introducing my first OC; thank you for saying she\'s not annoying, it makes me breathe a little easier. I don\'t know how much I\'m going to go into the details of the Animagus transformation. JKR is never really specific about it, other than the fact that it takes a super long time and is very complicated. But, I will inevitably have to come up with some detail, and I look forward to sharing it with you in an informative and hopefully amusing way. Once again, thanks so much for your wonderful review! YOU ROCK!
This was soooo funny! The "fair" speech by the Hufflepuffs had me rolling around, and Medea was a lot of fun--did you take the name from the Greek tragic heroine? I wasn't expecting the Ravenclaws to keep their end though--I prob. would have taken the envoys hostage anyway as bait to lure James (who would have come to save his friends, when he was important to the Gryff. side), or waited until the Gryffs had almost brought down the Hufflepuffs and then commandeer their forts. Um. I don't think I'm a very good Hufflepuff.
The dynamics between the Marauders were very good, as well. The snowball fight was a good way to let their different personalities really shine, to let them all be themselves. It was lovely. It didn't contribute much to the greater plot that I can see, but it was perfect in its own way, and just what I needed right now in the middle of exam week. Thank you for that. And thank you for being brilliant.
Author's Response: No, thank YOU for being brilliant! You always leave such amazing reviews, I love them. And, you caught me; this chapter does almost nothing to advance the greater plot. The snowball war was just supposed to be a short, funny scene leading into what is now chapter 4. Then it grew so big that needed to be it\'s own chapter. I like your ideas of how it could have gone. Though, admittedly, then it probably would have been even longer and who knows how many chapters it would have taken to tell the story? It could have been a mini-fic all of its own! Yes, I did take Medea from the Greek tragedy. Good luck on your exams!
You've done a very nice job with this story; it really is astonishing how different the three Black sisters truly are. The argument between Andromeda and Bellatrix was particularly intense, and your version of Mrs. Black as cold and detached was chilllingly perfect.
I guessed the story would center around Bellatrix from your summary, but it ended more heavily focused on Andromeda (who I like much better, so it made me happy). I think it would be more powerful, though, if you kept to one of the sister's point of views. It wouldn't take much to make this all Andromeda's point of view, and it might be interesting to add a chapter of the same event from both Bellatrix and Narcissa--I'm interested in how you would show Narcissa's thoughts, as she doesn't speak very much at all.
I love the last two paragraphs, though! You make me believe that Bella still loves Andy, even if she can't seem to reciprocate the emotion for Ted and Tonks, and it makes her almost human, in spite of the fact that most of the time she comes across as pure evil. Great work, and Happy New Year!
Author's Response: Hmm, I never thought of adding another chapter with Cissy\'s POV. I need to look at the summary again. I may end up rewriting it.
I found it amusing that you enjoyed the last two paragraphs as I ended up adding them after the story was approved at the discression of a Mod. Some things were not clear and so I used the final paragraph to clarify a point or two. I\'m glad it made sense. Thanks again for reviewing.
~Nicole
Hey, looks good! Ron fainting was a laugh, and your description of the Burrow was just perfect--that's exactly how it would be decorated for Harry and Ginny's wedding. It's a great story, keep writing!
Author's Response: I am definitely excited that it FINALLY got accepted, it seriously too a week! I tried to break up the memory, but I couldn\'t, it just didn\'t feel right. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!
This was really good! I love how you had him talking to the plant, petting it--it just seemed like a natural, Neville-ish thing to do. It's always nice to read something where his character gets a moment to shine.
End of the second to last paragrah, you said, "Money wasn't an issue for him." That usually means he's rich, but I don't think that was what you meant. Also, last paragraph, I would switch the order of the first and second sentences.
Good story! And have a nice day!
Author's Response: I will definitely look over those paragraphs; I like this story, but it could use a little polishing.
Hee. I tend to talk to inanimate objects, so why shouldn\'t Neville talk to his semi-animate plant? it is his passion.
Thanks so much for your comments!
That was brilliant. Brilliant. You made me tear up--and I don't tear up reading fanfiction. Period.
I shouldn't be thinking about philosophy, because my exam is over, but your story reminded me of Sartre's philosophy on bad faith--making yourself into a thing (a thing in itself) so as not to have to make a choice. The way you described Snape in the beginning, he tried to take away his own ability to constantly make choices, so throughout the story, it was like he was slowly coming back to a point where he was ready to take responsibility for his decisions. I don't know if it was intentional, but it was fantastic all the same.
I also really like what you did with the massacre, and Greyback mangling that red-haired woman--it was frightening but also moving. You made it clear that Snape was reminded of Lily without ever saying her name.
The only thing I might change is when Voldemort asks Snape to "apply for Professorship"--"apply for a teaching post", or just "apply for a post" might work better.
Oh, before I forget, I like how you ended with Dumbledore, because they were close, much closer than Snape could have ever been to Voldemort, and it's pretty much entirely because of Lily. You did an amazing job! Wonderful story, and have a Happy New Year!
Wow, you made me feel bad for Dudley. I NEVER felt bad for Dudley, but I have wondered what he was forced to relive because of the dementors. Your reference to his bullying of Harry was well-placed, as well, and the way you began and ended it was appropriate.
Two little things:
First paragraph, "His mind turned in upon itself. Dark thoughts overpowering him." The second bit is a clause, but you could make it part of the sentence before it by swapping out the period for a comma. Also, fourth to last paragraph, "Sitting ionce again n the Dean’s outer office", the i is a little out of place.
Oh, also, you did a fantastic job with the three older boys who were bullying him, the way they framed him each time neatly, and how the teachers managed to misinterpret everything he was trying to say. Smeltings must have been something like how you portrayed it, since the Smeltings sticks are a traditional part of the uniform.
A unique take on Dudley's worst memories, overall. Well done, and Happy New Year!
Author's Response: Hey, thanks a lot for taking the time to review the story, I really appreciate your input, the changes should be made now. Thanks again.
That last line made me shiver! You'd think Remus would be more careful than to carry around a photograph in a werewolf camp, but it was kind of a prickly, foreboding way to start the story. You do a good Greyback, by the way. All right, next chapter...
Author's Response: Thanks! I had no idea how to do Greyback so I decided to act like...uh, I think it was an evil substitute I once had, but I can\'t remember for sure. I\'m glad you think it\'s good!
Interesting. I'm not entirely sure I like Sara as a character, or how open she and Remus are with each other so soon, but at least you acknowledged with Remus being 'taken aback' how easily they confide in each other. I'm curious about Sara's background as well...there are some stories there, you suggest?
Author's Response: There are many stories in Sara\'s past. They\'re part of the reason she\'s so...dark and mysterious and all that. Thanks for reviewing! (If you want to know about Sara, I have a page about her on the Forums. It\'s under the Character Clinic thing)