You wrote such a lovely story for me that I feel compelled to review it. Sorry I didn’t get to it a bit sooner (though I guess we’ve known each other long enough that you know about me and procrastination). Anyway, I really love what you did with this. I had no idea what to expect, but this is perfect. Milo is a very compelling character, and you also manage to tackle a very dark and difficult question while keeping the mood generally light.

A few nitpicks: “I wasn’t going to listen to this mothr talk about her baby boy whom she led to this fate as though he were born with an illness no one could cure.” You left out the e in mother. Just a typo, but worth fixing at some point if you have time.

I love everything you have, but it’d be sort of nice if you managed to explain the ‘rules’ a little bit more. I wondered who made the rules and whom they apply to, and I wished Milo would get Paige to explain. Are they just rules for residents of Riverbend, or do they apply to ghosts in general? It’d be nice if you could delve into that just a little bit more, though not too much, because too much could shift the emphasis away from the central theme of whether it’s right for very young children to become ghosts.

It’s funny, but what I really keep coming back to with this story is how much you’ve grown as a writer. I remember some of your earlier stuff, and while the ideas were always there, your execution of them has improved dramatically. This story flows well. The dialogue is well written (kudos to you; dialogue is hard to write convincingly). The storyline is clear and the narrator’s emotions are wrenchingly tangible. Not that your writing was bad before, because it wasn’t at all. It’s just amazing to me how much you’ve grown.

Another punning gift from his imagination? *snickers* Given how far you ahead you are with your writing, I doubt I'll be writing another long review for you before the next one's posted, so I figured I might as well pop in and comment.

It occured to me when reading the last chapter, and I thought it was worth bringing up, though it's not exactly a criticism per say: I know you work very hard to keep your different stories all in keeping with each other. However, you're getting to the point where to follow all the references in here one must both know and clearly remember your plethora of Severus stories, including all the oneshots, not just In The Eyes Of Others. Not that it's a bad thing, because frankly your stories are more memorable than most, but it IS something to be aware of.

Author's Response: Thanks! Just so everyone knows, Andrea hasn\'t read the whole set and is under orders to holler whenever something doesn\'t make sense. So far so good; she\'s made me clarify some here and there. Keeping consistent with myself has been hard, but it seems as though Severus and I know each other pretty well now, so usually I at least can remember where to look it all up again!

Oh! The mixture of dry humor and beautifully crafted argument is just delightful. Thank you for making me grin like an idiot. And I do, of course, look forward to reading more. As always.

Author's Response: Thanks! There\'s more up!

Dear, dear. I came to this chapter and immediately found myself faced with a grave problem in your work. See, you’re not allowed to call the chapter “Epilogue.” Especially not as it’s only chapter 27. I’m disappointed, especially since I find myself doubting that you will be starting a new chaptered fan fiction in the near future, given the vast gobs of time that your original fiction has been swallowing.

My second complaint (and pardon the vague spoiler, but I know you have finished Deathly Hallows) is not aimed quite so much at you. If we’re going to go in for an everyone-has-children epilogue in canon, why on earth can’t the real one be more like this, with far less sap and far more actual personality? I think the difference is that while both are happy, this one is very human––mess, as you seem to have noticed, is excellent for achieving that feeling––and the epilogue to DH (I mean the book, not your husband) is very fairy-tale. This may be an epilogue, but it still counts as part of the story, as my brain wants to put it, because the interactions between the characters are real and meaningful.

Ride The Mutton gave me some priceless imagery. Hilarious idea. I suppose that if you can ride a sheep without magic, riding a broomstick would easy by comparison. And yet, I somehow doubt that anyone else would have thought of it. I can always count on your writing for refreshingly original (and wryly humorous) events, actions, and character observations.

My favorite bit, though, is the paragraph describing the tactile relationship between Ginny and Severus. It continues what you drew in the previous chapter, and more subtly highlights the motif of touch throughout twenty-five chapters the preceded them. Sleeve brushed sleeve, then bodies angled to suggest leg against leg, then shoulder lightly contacted shoulder. It was remarkable to watch as a dance, as if two strangers performed on a stage, but faintly annoying in family. I like that you don’t “fix” everything; Bill may be family, but he doesn’t necessarily like Severus. Beyond that, though… I love the Touching. Severus has always had an awkward, gloomy sort of grace about him (after all, he is the type to accompany one to the opera), and Ginny has always been graceful in a playful, cat-like way. The imagery of their sleeves brushing is so beautiful because it is so believable, so right, so entirely ordinary and extraordinary. The suggestion of a dance is brilliant, not just because I adore dance, but because it so perfectly encapsulates the relationship you’ve portrayed.

I’ve really loved reading this, and like In the Eyes of Others, it will probably be one of the rare fan fictions that I actually reread multiple times. Thank you.

I could write you a “normal” review for this story. I could sit here and talk about what you did well in this story and what you could have done better. I could go into detail about how the dialogue is slightly too formal and about how Rowena and Salazar don’t display the depth and complexity that your characters generally possess. But I’m not going to, because you’re a bloody good writer, and if you went through it and looked at the dialogue, you could make it more natural, and if you wanted to take the time to develop this as a story, you could also make your characters into something more. And honestly, I couldn’t tell you how to fix it better than you could tell yourself.

But there’s something else that keeps me from going on in the vein of “you could improve the dialogue here” and “you could make this character’s motivations less vague there.” Because… the formal dialogue and incompletely developed characters are a symptom of something else, something other than your writing skills. Because I know (and if you’re fair to yourself, you know) that you can write shiver-inducing dialogue and characters so real they get stuck in other people’s heads.

In a sense, this is less a “story” in the way that Secrets or Sins of the Father are stories, and more simply Jenna (if that makes any sense). I mean, yes it’s a story, but it’s more raw emotions than anything else. It has the same problems as Grey Lavender –– overly formal dialogue, characters who are conflicted but yet not highly developed, and a somewhat simple plot –– although this story is still better written. It’s simply not a story in the way most of your other stories are stories.

At a very basic level, this story isn’t about the characters or the plot, though arguably it is about an idea. I could be totally wrong, but… it seems to me that this story is really about Jenna. You’re a writer. And here… it seems to me that what you’ve done is use this story to work out your own emotions.

If the characters aren’t as developed as yours usually are, that’s because they’re more vessels and voices for emotions than they are characters in their own right. And if the dialogue is overly formal, that’s because it’s not really characters expressing themselves, but rather the natural eloquence of your own frustration.

What really comes through from this story is (unsurprisingly) the depth and strength of the emotions involved. Your characters are beautifully emotional ¬¬–– possibly because at some level they are emotions, but also because you write emotions very beautifully. You have a gift for writing powerful emotions and making them seem real. But your gift for writing extends far beyond exposing the rugged beauty of emotion. And that is why, I think, that while this is still a good story, it’s not as satisfying as your other work.

If you wanted to return to this, yes, you certainly could make the dialogue feel more natural and add depth to the characters. You could make the details of the plot less vague. In short, you could, if you chose, make this into more of a “story.” But if you stop looking at it so much as “story” and look at it more as a piece of yourself, you might be content leaving it as it is. Because in the end… well, this sounds stupid, and maybe it is, but… there IS an end. And to me at least, that suggests that this story may have served its purpose for you.

One line in particular was so beautiful that it absolutely made me shiver: “I am sorry you could not save me.”. *shivers* So… profound.

It’s possible that I’m completely wrong about this story, in which case I have given you a vague idea of what you can fix and I apologize for taking up so much space. If I’m not wrong, then … I’m not. You’ll have to tell me. Either way, it’s the absolute strangest SPEW review I’ve ever written. In any case, I lovest youest, Jennaest.

This story. The first time I read it, in rough form, it floored me. And the second. And even now, it still floors me. It’s the stunning simplicity. And the overwhelming love of a mother for her son. It’s my attachment to those particular lines from Hamlet. It’s all of those things.

I’m going to make this one of my rare reviews not written under the “nitpick or die!” philosophy. Because honestly, I have nothing left to nitpick. Except that you’re missing a paragraph space between the second and third paragraphs, which I’m sure is an accident, because they were separate in earlier drafts. You might want to fix it, though, when you have a moment.

There’s something so tragic about a mother who cannot recognize her child. Heart-wrenching. Might the inspiration for this story have stemmed from your experiences with your grandmother during the last year or so? Something about the beginning reminded me of something you said to me… That sounds awfully vague, sorry. You show Alice’s lack of awareness beautifully –– it’s hauntingly real. Hauntingly. The contrast –– the very life of her (and she’s so alive) –– serves to really bring home the tragedy.

I love the imagery of the garden. The plants, coming to life, provide such a contrast to Alice, whose growth has been forever frozen by an early frost. The garden makes us realize the full extent (and tragedy) of what Alice –– and Neville –– has lost.

Lines from this story haunt me. They float into my head at random moments, like when I’m walking to school or on my way to the metro. I’m not going to list all my favorites, because that would make this review rather longer than the story, which would be silly. But… this one has a particular tendency to float through my internal dialogue: Flowers were not meant to live forever. Neither was she.

You said to me once that upon occasion, a story will have so much impact on you that it changes the way you read the books. That it becomes –– for you at least –– part of the canon. This story impacts me that way. As far as I’m concerned, it happened. It is Alice and Neville’s story. In my mind, Alice’s garden irrevocably existed (if that makes sense; “it’s so difficult” to find the words, as Prof. Snith would say). Alice tended that garden, and she imagined that the house that went with it (for it was the house that went with the garden, and not the other way around) would be haunted by their very happiness. When the wind blew through the trees, she heard them whisper. And when the world seemed to be collapsing under darkness, she pressed her flowers and put them into a book for her son. In my mind, those things happened, and will never unhappen, if that makes sense.

The last paragraph… “Just guh” is in the right vein, but it fails to describe its impact on me. The last line in particular: And he holds her hand, and remembers for her. You know, that may be one of the greatest gifts a person can give. Not bringing violets, though symbolically that’s breathtaking too, but remembering for someone. With, if they can remember too, and for if they can’t. That gift, like this story, is simply too incredible for words.


Author's Response: How does one respond to such a lovely review, especially when you already know most of my thoughts about the story? Yes, I think in some way I was relating Alice\'s loss of memory to Alzheimer\'s, which has - in my mind at least - a slower but very similar effect. And there are certain linelets in here that I am very proud of, so I\'m glad to see I\'m not the only one who loves them. *hugs* Thank you muchly for the lovely review, and for helping me so much with the actual story itself.

Hello, Serwen mine. After badgering you into posting so many stories here, I think it’s only appropriate for me to review at least one of them. I picked this one both because it’s one of your most recent and because you did, after all, write it for me.

Knowing you and your interest in forensic science, I really shouldn’t be the least bit surprised by this story. If anyone was going to write Hermione examining the dead day in and day out, it was going to be you. And yet, I really wouldn’t expect this story to exist at all, if that makes sense. It’s a dark story, even a chilling story. But it’s also great story, because it brings home the reality of war in a way that I’ve never seen before. The aftermath, the moments of quiet after the battle, the long lulls of frustration and fear –– they bring home the reality so differently (and often so much better) than even the most firey battle scenes. Your stories are collectively remarkable for how well they show war outside of the battles. Perhaps it’s because that’s what you know, but you write the fringes and aftermath of war better than anyone else I can think of; in all the months you haven’t written anything HP related, no one has managed to fill that gap.

You know SPEW, you know SPEW reviews: you know I’m about to nitpick. But war is busy, frantic, when Death comes to pay her respects, and Death rarely has much to say. Either you need something stronger than a comma or you’re missing a conjunction after ‘frantic.’ It’s a beautiful line –– or possibly pair of lines –– and very representative of your writing. If you’re going to bother editing at all, that sentence in particular deserves to be fixed.

And so this is what Hermione Jane Granger does; when all is said and done, and the Ministry leaves their dead in a cold, pale marble room, Hermione sits with them. It’s taken me a few reads to figure out how you meant the thoughts to break up, because at first it made no sense at all, but it’d all make sense if you just dropped the comma after ‘when all is said and done.’

Beyond those punctuation issues, I only have one other nitpick. I want to know why she always leaves her hair down. It just doesn’t make much sense to me. Hermione, ever practical, would be more likely to always have it back –– in a braid, possibly. You might have had a reason for it, but it’s not there in the story and I can’t figure it out. However, everything else is explained: the story fits itself like a Swiss watch. Why isn’t Hermione out fighting? A bad limp in her right leg, an injury that has taken her out of willing combat forever. And just when the story is getting a bit hard to take, a small aside pointing out that she has neither tea nor biscuits. Genius.

I love the choice of Padma Patil for the last victim. Everyone knows she has a sister, so every reader will realize she has left family (and crushing young men) behind. And of course Padma has special implications for me, outside of canon, which I know you’re aware of. But even without that she’s a good choice –– someone Hermione knew, but not someone she knew so well as to mourn for her own sake. Beautiful.

Thank you, Voice, for thinking. Thank you, Voice, for writing. And thank you, Voice, for sharing.

Apologies for not managing to review any of this story before now. Lucas is an exceptional character –– quite the OC! –– and the plot is brilliant and well thought out. Clearly you know exactly where you’re going with this, but you manage to make the scenes flow smoothly and realistically without getting caught up in plot-centric details. Brava!

I find it interesting how you begin both of the first two chapters (not counting the prologue) with a description of the natural environment followed by Lucas’ reaction to it: first the summer heat in the park, then the morning sunlight. Is it an accident, I wonder? Or is it an intentional trend that you will be continuing, perhaps to highlight different aspects of Lucas’ character and set the mood for each chapter? I rather like it, and the two openings mirror each other so fully in some respects that I really want to know if it’s intentional, despite the fact that there are only two of them.

I loved the symbolism of Lucas getting dirt and slime on his hands in the corridors at Azkaban, and when he got stuck in the cell. It made fit into the plot very well, and was an original idea for getting the visitor some time alone with the inmate (I’ve seen so many bad or overused explanations for it in fan fiction that it was almost overwhelmingly refreshing), but I like it best because of its symbolism. Foreshadowing of the story to come, perhaps?

The only bit I think you might have done better was the section where Lucas reaches out to Lucius with his heart. It makes sense, but I would have liked a clearer explanation of what exactly he was doing. You’ve invented a new and beautiful magical ability, and I’d like to see you explain it in more detail and with more depth. Though, perhaps you will return to it in later chapters? I hope so!

Thank you for writing such a lovely story, and also for finding the courage to share it with us. I’m certain I will enjoy the rest. *pickles with love*


Author's Response: Hi Lian, and thanks for your review!

I never intended for the beginnings of the first two chapters to be similar, but I’ glad you like it. And while I don’t want to restrict myself to begin all the following chapters in the same way, it’s quite possible that many of them will look like that, as I like to skip from one scene/time of the day to another between chapter breaks, and because the story is from Lucas’ point of view.

What was intentional, on the other hand, was how I introduced Lucas’ “ability”. It is something that I can’t really take credit for myself, as it was mostly inspired by the works of an author named Jennifer Roberson, but I’m planning on using it differently from how she does in her novels. In this chapter I only wanted to show a glimpse of it, without any in-depth explanation, hoping to intrigue my readers a bit. Lucas will be using it more frequently in the upcoming chapters, and I promise to give you a full explanation before the end of the story.

Thanks again for the review! =)

An AU spin-off maintaining the opening of In The Eyes Of Others as well as canon, eh? Interesting concept. And really, Severus could have been a Gryffindor––and probably would have been, had he not been so set against Sirius and James. Perhaps I should add that I like this story in spite of its healthy does of Sirius, who I really despise. Perhaps it’s because you don’t try to make Sirius look kind or even nice, which always makes me sort of ill. You wrote him well.

Your Remus was just priceless. The werewolf comments were just … inspired. A beautiful plot device. Not the sneakiest thing you’ve ever written into a story by any stretch of the imagination, but extremely effective. You’ve transplanted the adult Remus, bashfulness and all, beautifully into the character of a child. His characterization sticks out in this story for being so incredibly apt. Lily, of course, you always do extremely well (and… if the masses got plaintive enough, might you be convinced to spin this out into an AU Severus/Lily? Please?). It’s the Remus that has me staring.

I have one teeny quibble (surprise). Snape nodded, either too disinterested to ask or too determined not to give James the chance to explain. It’s a beautiful insight into Severus’s character, but honestly I doubt that eleven-year-old James Potter would be thoughtful enough to realize how Severus protects himself by pretending disinterest. Since the story is told from James’s perspective, it gives the impression that James understands much more than I believe he actually does. But then again, the insight into Severus’s world might be more important than a bit of OOC-ness in James.

I really, really enjoyed this, and now I can’t help but think how much I’d enjoy an AU story examining Severus’s life and possible relationship with Harry (either as his father or as Lily Evans Potter’s best friend) had he been sorted into Gryffindor. Not that I’m trying to feed you another chaptered bunny or anything, of course. *scampers away before she can get walloped with a turnip*

Awwww! What a sweet, sweet, lovely story you’ve written! Beautifully put together too, which is more rare than you’d think with one-shots. I particularly liked how you started each segment with a single word. The words really set the tone and help pull the story together in an interesting way. My only complaint about them is that the last two, Memories and Remembrance, seem a little too similar for two such different parts of the story. It’s a little jarring, because the first pulls you back into the past, as the title suggests, but the timing of Remembrance is, upon reading, clearly quite a ways after Memories, chronologically. I wasn’t exactly confused by it, but it did cause me to pause and think “Wait, what?” for a moment. The sudden, unexplained death of the son creates enough of a disconnect on its own (though, that part works beautifully and I wouldn’t try to change that), without binding the last two sections with their similar titles. Perhaps you could change Remembrance to Mourning? I don’t know. Only you can really know what’s right for it.

My only other criticism is that there are a couple of short paragraphs where you rely too much on telling (or explaining) emotions. In particular, I’m bothered by the paragraph beginning His uncle did not ask Joseph to explain what he meant. What his nephew had been through… The sentence about “What his nephew had been through” is unnecessary and brings down the level of your writing. You don’t need to tell us that––we’ve seen it. Moreover, you shouldn’t have to tell it. If you want to communicate the uncle’s understanding, you can just leave the mention of his reticence and maybe add a description of his facial expression or something like that, allowing the reader to comprehend the uncle’s empathy on their own. There were a couple of other cases when I thought you explain characters emotions too much, but that was the one that stuck out at me most.

Criticism given, I really did enjoy this story. It was beautifully written and heart wrenching. You started early enough in Joseph’s life that we were really able to empathize with him and care about what happened to him and to his family. You did a great job making Joseph into a very real and very human character, and you did a great job of showing his personality in how he approached obstacles in his life. The pacing is good and the story is compelling. All in all, excellent writing!


Author's Response:

Thank you so much for the in depth review, HermioneDancr! I really appreciate that you put that much time and effort into it. You do have a couple things there I would like to respond to quickly. First, the funny part about my one word titles is I nearly dropped them out of the last version until my one of my betas influenced me otherwise. The original title of the “memories” section was “gifts”. I changed it when one of my betas expressed some concern over the timeline in the story getting confused. However, the version she got did not include the two paragraphs that immediately follow “memories” as it appears now. I added those the day I submitted the story. So, I may just change it back. I’ll have to look closely at that.