07/18/05
myspace.com/haylii_x3
PLEASE DO NOT DELETE!
Hi thereeeeee. I'm Hayli. I'm 15. I live in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm not bothering making these sentences interesting.
You can call me Hayli. I dont have an awesome/crazy MNFF nickname like a lot of others on here, although I envy most who do. Well, either way, it's a pleasure to meet you :)
I love Periwinkle/Anna! She's basically amazing.
I heart SPEW. They're insane. It's great.
Get to know me. I love people. Especially MNFF-ers. Because we're cool.
[B]FICS[/B]
A Wink Can Tell It All [oneshot]
Right To Be Wrong [chapter fic]
Dear Diary [chapter fic]
[Report This]
Love Can't Be Stopped by ambush
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: New year, new start, new feelings. Has James' newly deflated ego and mature attitude finally won over the heart of Lily Evans? With a mixture of embarrassing situations, falling out of bed, and roaming hands, this year could be an interesting one.
My first fanfic everybody, so any criticism is very welcome! enjoy!
Date: 01/01/07 Title: Chapter 1: Strange Feelings
Nice first chapter! You begin things very nicely here and introduce the personalities of some your characters already.
In your story, I found a few things that I'd like to point out to you. :)
..which was filled with dark grey clouds.
Gray is misspelled.
They smiled said their goodbyes and watched Lily, as...
There should be a comma after 'smiled' and, although it might not be completely necessary, I believe 'goodbyes' should be 'good-byes'.
Lily and Sarah followed.
Here, 'followed' is past tense, but the rest of the phrase is present tense. I would change that to 'following'. :)
She opened her mouth to say something when she noticed something.
Since 'something' is said twice, maybe you could change up your word choice, just to make it flow better.
The only other errors I spotted were formatting errors and run-on sentences. With run-on sentences, you really want to break them up into seperate sentences to make it flow easier. Some examples are:
There was an awkward silence, where only the splashing of rain from outside could be heard, causing James’ cheeks to flush a deep crimson colour, making him look determinedly at his shoes, and Lily to try desperately to find something to say.
This, I would change to:
There was an awkward silence where only the splashing of rain from outside could be heard. This caused James’ cheeks to flush a deep crimson colour, making him look determinedly at his shoes. Lily, too, tried desperately to find something to say.
The only formatting errors I found were where you either forgot an extra spacing code or added another one. Here is an example:
They all shrugged, and got back to copying work from the blackboard.
Lily was unable to concentrate. Images of James were swimming around her mind, she just couldn’t get over how good looking he had become, not to mention the fact that he didn’t seem to be a complete prat anymore.
With all these thoughts mingling in her head, the hour of Charms went surprisingly quickly.
Just dividing it differently will fix this. :)
“Sorry I was miles away. How...Why did… umm…How?” Lily stuttered, turning her cheeks an even darker red. James laughed.
I love how you described their reaction here. In many other stories, you see Lily freak out and throw a fit over James becoming Head Boy. This reaction is much more accurate, as they were surprised, but they didn't make a huge deal of it. Great job!
Carmen’s chocolate brown eyes widened and she had an amazed look etched on her face.
Great description! I can see Carmen's face clearly in my mind from what you have said here. Nice!
“You know, there was no need to be so mean to him, he was only asking a question,” she said crossly.
Carmen looked at her strangely.
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t,” she said quickly.
Carmen dropped it, but continued to look at her strangely.
Awesome foreshadowing here! ;)
You have James characterized well. He's not as full of himself as he was last year and you've already begun to show us that in just this chapter.
All in all, great chapter. I really enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to see what happens next chapter. Awesome job!
Author's Response: Wow I loved your review - thank you so much for showing me where I have gone wrong, that will help me a lot - although I did spell grey correctly (I think it might just be spelled \'gray\' in America)
Anyway, thanks again, this was such a helpful review!
The Soul of a Player by Werewolf_sympathiser
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Sirius Black, Marauder, heart throb and good friend, is in his last year at Hogwarts. Follow his journey through friendship, pranks and that special someone. Chapter Thirty One is here at last! I realise I have left this for nearly 3 years, but I am finally back! I am very grateful to the readers who have stuck by me during my extended hiatus. Thanks a lot guys :)
Date: 07/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue
Your fic is really good so far. I can tell you've got some potential and I can't wait to keep reading! I have a couple comments and suggestions for you, as well.
Your spelling and grammar are great. I honestly didn't find any errors with them.
Your Prologue seems really....technical, if you can understand that. It's just this, then this, then this. I would maybe try and put more feel into it. I understand that this is a prologue, so that's why it's not really that big of a deal.
James and Sirius are kind of OOC. They don't really seem the type to ask each other "But you're not giving up pranks, right?". They seem more like "If you give up pranking, I'll jinx you like there's no tomorrow."
“Good to hear it mate,” grinned Sirius. “Now let’s go and eat, I’m starving!”
“You always are,” grinned James, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and standing up.
You just used grinned twice. I think it would flow a little better if you changed it to something different. Just a suggestion :)
Sirius Black awoke to the peaceful sound of birds chirping outside the bedroom window.
I just substituted the in instead of James' and Sirius'. This just makes it flow easier, as I mentioned above.
Over all, your fic is really great! I like it a lot and I really can't wait to continue into the next chapters! Well done.
Author's Response: Cheers I\'m glad you looked at it in such detail. To be honest I don\'t think the prologue is very good, I was looking at it today and it seems really...girly if you know what I mean. Perhaps it is because it\'s hard to write boys. I appreciate your suggestions and will look into it. I think I put grinned twice because I couldn\'t think of any other word or to get the point that there friends across or something, I\'m not sure. Thanks for your comments :)
Lily and James, A Love Unfolding by lupinslover
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: This is just to people to let you know, I changed the title of my story from Lily and James an Undying Love to Lily and James, A Love Unfolding. yeah after a year the title looked cheezy...so I changed it!
This story starts when Lily Evans first moves to a new neighbourhood. One that just happens to have James Potter, and his three unruly friends. Lily is invited to James' 11th birthday, where (little does she know it) she does magic. From then on, she is carried away in to the world of magic, and learning about things that could have only existed in her wildest imagination.
Date: 03/16/06 Title: Chapter 1: First Meeting
I REALLY like this story =] You're a fantabulous writer and the first chapter made me laugh and smile.
Please update soon! 10/10
Author's Response: i already replied to this you double posted
Date: 03/16/06 Title: Chapter 1: First Meeting
I REALLY like this story =] You're a fantabulous writer and the first chapter made me laugh and smile.
Please update soon! 10/10
Author's Response: Thank you!!!! my second chapter is in the Q as well as a monthly challenge, called The worries of Hanna Abbott, it's a one shot...But thanks again!!!
lupinslover
Out of the Darkness by lunar
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: It's the summer after sixth year and Hermione is staying at The Burrow. Her dreams have finally come true: she is Ron Weasley's girlfriend. However, to her shock and dismay she discovers that the attainable has become the unwanted. She finds herself torn between not wanting to remain in a relationship with someone she doesn't love, and destroying one of the closest friendships she is likely to ever have. Amidst all this confusion, Draco Malfoy arrives in a coma from which it is doubtful he will ever leave. Hermione is asked to watch over him in case of a miraculous recovery. However, she finds herself pouring out her hopes, fears and dreams to her unconscious nemesis, someone who can't even hear her... or can he?
The two sequels I had planned for this will not be written any time in the near future. I'm sorry for any inconvenience caused.
Date: 07/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Surprise
Wonderful chapter! I can't wait to continue on and see why Draco turned up there like that. There were a coupld grammar errors that I'd like to show you. : )
Tick, tick, tick.Hermione glanced around the empty room, her skin prickling unpleasantly. Tick, tick, tick, A sound from outside made Hermione stand up.
Tick, tick, tick. Then-
I just edited this part so it made more sense. There were a couple of grammar bits that I messed around with : )
Suddenly, the back door flew open and in walked Harry and Ron, their faces shining with fear and sweat.
I added a comma and took out 'with a bang'. The reason I did that was because you already had the word 'suddenly'. It just seems to flow a bit better. : )
McGonagall turned to Hermione. “Miss Granger, would you mind getting a blanket to put under him?”
McGonogall's speech is very precise and stern. She doesn't seem like the one to say "or something". I know I'm being evily picky, but I'm weird like that. ; ) I also changed the period at the end to a question mark.
“Molly,” he added hurriedly, “you don’t have a spare room by any chance, do you?”
I fixed a little bit of the grammar here.
So they drank the last of their cocoa and went to bed. Hermione slept on a camp bed in Ginny’s room and the boys had the twins’ old room since the twins were no longer living at home.
I would take this part out and change it to something like, 'With that, Harry, Ron and Hermione headed upstairs to turn in for the night.' Just my opinion. ; )
Your fic is really well written. You've got the characters pretty much down pat, which is great. Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thanks for the excellent review HPLoverForever! I\'ll have a look at all your suggestion and see what I can change! Thank you!
Potions by Soap
Rated: Professors •Summary: Hermione and Draco - an unlikely pair - go from intense dislike to true love in this story.
Date: 08/25/06 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue - Remembering
Wow... what a great prologue. This was just... wow. I love the way you formatted it. I couldn't find any grammar errors, so that's all good.
What I really liked about this was your idea of Draco's relaxation. It's very creative and unique and it's definitely something that caught my eye very quickly.
And another thing that caught my eye is Draco's reaction to his instructions and the news about the Weasley's death. This sort of seemed a bit unlikely as Draco has always disliked or probably hated the Weasleys, but I'm sure there is a theory behind it, one that I can't wait to unravel.
Draco wished his own face still had the youthful, light appearance that it had before he had seen so much death.
This part told me a lot. Not only does it reflect on the way the young person looks, but it reflects on how Draco feels about the whole situation he's involved with. He doesn't like the position he's in and he wants out, but he knows he really doesn't have a choice.
I really liked this. I can't wait to keep reading and I think I might be one of your new fans! Great story and keep it up!
Defying Gravity by Lilypudding
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: When Lily signs up for private flying lessons, she expects to be taught by her best friend. Instead, she gets assigned James Potter as her private instructor. Can they stop arguing for an hour so Lily can learn how to fly? Everyone deserves a chance to fly, but can Lily conquer her fear of heights and learn how to soar? Most importantly, can she learn how to love the man she least expected to? One-shot songfic to "Defying Gravity" from Wicked
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: Flying Lessons
I really liked your songfic! It was cute and made me smile. Here's just a couple of things I'd like to point out:
“You’re what?” the smiling, plump blond asked her red-haired best friend as they strolled up the rolling lawns of Hogwarts to the giant, impressive castle for lunch.
This bit sort of struck me with too many descriptive words. Maybe change it to:
“You’re what?” the smiling girl asked her red-haired friend as they strolled up the rolling lawns of Hogwarts to the giant, impressive castle for lunch.
I only took out a couple of words to shorten it up. However, this shows that descriptive words are your strong side, something very good!
There were a couple more like this though, I believe:
"...And I’ve never been on a broomstick in my life. So Monica and I figured I would sign up for flying lessons, have her to volunteer to teach me, I'll learn how to fly, and in the summer when we go to her house, we’ll play Quidditch. Problem solved.”
Actually, this one didn't make great sense to me, so I just worded it slightly different to make it easier to understand.
“I don’t know,” admitted Lily. “All I know is ever since I was two, I haven’t been able to look out a window higher than the fifth story or so without freaking out..."
The main thing that got me wondering about this was if Lily could remember back to when she was two. And what caused her fear, if anything?
Only a couple more things :) I found James to be slightly OOC. Just with his attitude toward Lily.
“You should be sorry,” he said gruffly. “Now, you’re holding it properly, good. To begin to fly, kick off hard. Come down by leaning forward slightly. Kick off, hover for a few moments, then come back done, all right, babe?”
Eh...this just seemed a little harsh for James. I figured James would be the kind of person to just say a 'don't worry about it' and then keep going like he's an actual teacher and ignore the fact that he was working with Lily Evans. However, the babe part made me laugh :)
No one guessed why Lily had never been to a Quidditch game in her life. Fear, especially fear of something so trivial, was too real, too deep for perfect Lily Evans.
-gets chills- I love this part so much. Just the way it was phrased! I love how you described how fear just wasn't something Lily could deal with. Very well done!
The only spelling thing that I caught was this:
"Right,” responded Lily. “Okay, I believe you, Miss ‘Oh my god, I’m teaching Sirius Black how to fly.’”
I changed OK to okay. ;)
So to wrap this way-too-long review up, I really thought you did a nice job! A lot of songfics are really cliched and...erm...well you get the picture, but yours was really good. Job well done!
Author's Response: Thanks for your so kind review! I\'m really really excited about getting such a long and insightful review. I\'ll definitely go back and look at all the things you caught, because this story was self-betad, *scream* and I\'m not a great beta. Thanks again for this review, it made my day!
The Etiquette of an Entrance by Bitter_Sweet
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: The Etiquette of an Entrance is one-shot that gives insight into the social structure of Beauxbatons. Set during the carriage ride to Hogwarts, Lucille Champney reflects on Fleur Delacour, Hogwarts and Harry Potter.
Date: 03/24/08 Title: Chapter 1: The Etiquette of an Entrance
This was very creative! I like the idea of the story being from the point of view of an original character rather than from Fleur's younger sister or Madam Maxime. Plus, although this is a one-shot, you do develop the character enough to know the basics about her personality.
A couple things could be changed here to make your story even better. I would change the way you've written the dialogue to seem more like a French girl was speaking, for when you read it, it seems as though a Hogwarts student would be speaking, without the French accent. For example, in the books, whenever Fleur speak of Hogwarts, she pronounces it as ''Ogwarts', leaving the 'H' silent. It would give your story a more foreign feel to it. :)
Another thing is that your story changes from past tense to present tense multiple times. For example:
The carriage moved up and down ungracefully, jerking around all twelve of us. My hat fell off of my head and onto the ground. I quickly Summoned it with my wand. Oh the embarrassment! None of the others' hats fell off. None except mine. I look sillier than the boy who brought a fur scarf! If only I had put it on properly in the morning I wouldn't have to deal with all of the silly giggles.
Throughout this paragraph, it switches from past to present tense. Although it is almost unnoticeable, it's important to keep your story in either past or present, as it tends to get confusing after a while.
If those things are changed, this story could be really good, not that it isn't already. ;) Just a couple things here and there, but other than that, the concept and the idea are very unique. Keep up the good work!
Broken Dreams by Periwinkle
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Draco realizes something about his life, something important to him. He has a chance encounter with a certain female that brings about 'different' feelings. Now what will Draco do? Post-Hogwarts, one-shot, songfic to Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
See my author's page for important information regarding a sequal.
Date: 03/08/06 Title: Chapter 1: Broken Dreams
ANNA I LOVE YOU! =] lol Your story is AMAZING!!! You did a fantabulous job on it. Oh and I read that story you recommended...I still dislike that particular ship...and the story gave me a MAJOR case of the creeps....
BUT GREAT JOB!!! xD
Author's Response: Thanks for reading my story!! :)
I love you too!
Harry Potter and the Seventh Soul by PadfootBaby
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: My version of Book 7. Harry sets off on his quest for Voldemort’s Horcruxes and discovers the true loyalties of certain wizards. He also receives some much-needed help from Hogwarts, though the school itself remains closed. The war against Voldemort rages on and spreads in the Wizarding community. As the death toll rises, Harry, Ron, and Hermione desperately search for the pieces of Voldemort’s soul and the key to his downfall. The lives they had known crumble around them, and the Trio finally come to realize that nothing, not even each other, can be secure anymore.
Date: 07/04/06 Title: Chapter 2: Wormtail's Mission
Ooh, I'm excited! I love reading stories like these. You've got really good technique. There were a couple grammar issues, but that's really all.
"Good," the Dark Lord said. Wormtail turned to go. "Oh, and Wormtail?" The shorter man stopped. "Yes, master?"
I think you meant to put "Yes, master?" on the next line as two people don't speak on the same paragraph.
"Nagini says that Potter will be heading to Godric’s Hollow after the 'wedding'."
I just moved the period a between the single and double quotes.
"Well, Wormtail, Nagini was sent to follow the Harry Potter boy. I trust you remember him? You actually needed him to save your miserable carcass three years ago, didn’t you?"
Excuse me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that Wormtail wasn't exactly begging Harry to save him. I thought Harry was just feeling pity for him, you know? I may be wrong, though.
You really have Peter in character. That's something that is very difficult to do and I think you nailed it. Excellent job! You also did a nice job on Voldemort, though he seems a bit cocky. Voldemort is mean and cruel, not necessarily cocky. Other than that, wonderful.
You really did a nice job. You've definitely got an excellent idea of what you're going to do with your story and I think that's awesome. Great job!
Author's Response: Blech, I hate grammar. Oh well. Thank you for the review, and I\'m glad you like my technique!!! :)
Finality by Eilime
Rated: Professors •Summary: One-shot
He tore, bit, sucked, breathed, scratched at her as her flailing arms and legs won no victory.
She stood in silence for a while, knowing but not caring that he still stood behind her. She heard him mutter something and warmth surrounded her. A figment of imagination. An unreal cover.
Euphemism.
Though she was warm, it didn’t reach her body, her mind, her soul. She was freezing.
A hand came to rest on her arm.
This time, she let him.
At that moment, Hell froze over.
Warning: Contains mention of rape. Nothing graphic.
2nd story in a series of Hermione/Draco one-shots (Check out my author page for more information)
Important announcement in my profile
Date: 09/23/06 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot
It's depressing how this is the second time I had to write this since I lost it the first time.
Sigh. Okay.
Wow... this really is a great one-shot. Definitely one of the best D/Hr ones I've read in a long time. Your writing style is very unique. You have good word choice and sentence fluency and seem very professional when it comes to your writing.
The only thing I could find in here was the word 'evade'. It was used a little too much. Perhaps you could use a different word in place of it?
I love how well you have Hermione in character. The reaction she has here is just how I would imagine it to be in the actual books. And you're right; she wouldn't be one to really be open with the fact that she had just gotten raped by her best friend. But then again, who would?
So all in all, great story. You really had me hooked from the beginning to the end. I can't wait to read more of your work. Keep up the great job!
Author's Response: Yeah, it hate it when it does that and you lose what ever brilliant things you had just written. Thank you, HPLoverForever. I\'m very pleased to hear you liked it. I hadn\'t noticed the apparently overused \'evade\', but no, I\'m not going to change it. I\'m glad you found Hermione and her reaction in character. Thanks again for the great review!
Lily's Sacrifice by Periwinkle
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: A realistic portrayal of the night James and Lily died. Timeline is from nine o'clock to midnight. Please review.
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot
*Jealous* Geez you're amazing, Anna! I swear, if we ever wrote a book, we'd make millions ;-) Haha. No but really, I almost cried in History while reading. You saw. :'( Waaaa! You're such an amazing author!
Author's Response: Thanks Hayli, I'm really glad you liked it. Thank you!
Date: 05/28/07 Title: None
Hi! Great job. This chapter was very indepth and gave a lot of background on what has already happened and I enjoyed reading it.
My favorite part of this was the very beginning with the dream. I'm going to be quite blunt when I say that you made me hate Ron and had me talking to the computer telling him to stop it! Haha.
During the first half I noticed your description words. This really shows here:
A warm, pink glow rested on the tops of the hills in the distance and if you looked hard enough, you could see the beginnings of the stars peeking out from the sky.
This was wonderful! I just pictured that image in my mind and saw the sunset just as you said, even the stars!
This really was great. You did an awesome job. Nice work!
Believe Me by volition112
Rated: Professors •Summary: [AU] [PRE - HBP] Lucius Malfoy is in Azkaban, and now, released from the binding fate in which his hateful father had him, Draco is free. His life is turned upside down as he moves into Grimmauld Place for the summer. How will Harry and Co. deal with this disruption in their lives? Better yet, how will Draco handle living amongst the people he was born to hate? Will this new found freedom help him to become his own person, or only bring him closer to the doomed life he was meant to lead?
Date: 11/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: A New Beginning
Just by the first paragraph of your story I can already tell it's going to be good. You've got a major talent of linking everything together in a swift and easy movement, making everything flow really well.
There wasn't a single grammatical error I caught in your piece, which is obviously great. You've also got Draco characterized just right here. He's sarcastic, yet as respectful as possible at the same time, which is how Draco is in reality.
I really liked how you added the little 'Play nicely," toward the end. It seems so Snape-ish, if that makes sense at all. It just seems like something he would do.
So far this is really awesome. You've really got a talent on your hands here and I can't wait to keep reading! Keep up the great work!
Harry Potter and the Magical Myths by nuw255
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: A man from Interpol comes to question Harry Potter as part of a murder investigation. How will Harry react? And how will this affect his search for Lord Voldemort’s Horcruxes? Plus, the question we all want answered: What will happen with Ginny?
This story picks up immediately after HBP, and is very slightly AU. But hey, aren’t they all?
Date: 05/28/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Interpol
Hi there! My first reaction after reading this was wow. Not only did you keep me reading from the very beginning, but I was in suspense at the stranger from the very first paragraph.
I really liked the introduction. So far, it's been my favorite that I've read tonight. You've got a good talent for descriptions which is always important in all stories. You give the reader the power to visualize the stranger, Harry, Uncle Vernon and Privet Drive.
The only thing I noticed that could have been changed a bit was the ending. It was slightly cut off and seemed like there could be a little more to give the reader that sense of closure to a chapter, but that can be easily fixed.
I also enjoyed the unexpected twist toward the end! It kept me on the edge of my seat.
Great job! :)
Author's Response: Hi! I\'m glad you liked the opening. To be honest, I sort of left it hanging on purpose to try and draw readers in, but it probably wasn\'t the best tactic. Anyway, I\'m glad you enjoyed the chapter, and I hope you go on to read the rest of the story.
Halfway to Infinity by Eponine
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: He with the power to defeat the Dark Lord does not. Harry Potter is dead. Fifty years later, both Muggle and magical worlds belong to darkness. All serve Lord Voldemort. But even in the grimmest of times, idealists are born. Without a prophesy to direct them, a rebellion will rise. Follow Lottie Rowe as she finds her way into the center of the rebellion and the heart of the war.
Winner of the 2011 Best Chaptered Alternate Universe QuickSilver Quill Award!
Date: 08/27/07 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue
Ooooh, very anticipating! Normally, people don't really make a prologue something that it's supposed to be, if that makes sense. This, for example, is a very nicely written prologue. You learn a little bit, you hear of some unfamiliar characters, and some we know of. We learn of deaths and some events, which is really what a summary should be. It shouldn't be too detailed or too in-depth, and you did a nice job of displaying that here. You did a great job capturing the readers attention, and I absolutely love your writing style. You get an A+ for that!
I can't wait to find out what everything means, I'll definitely be on of your regular readers! :D
Wonderful work.
Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you so much for the review! I really tried to keep my prologue prologuey because a pet peeve of mine is when authors just call their first chapter the prologue.
Thank you so much for review!
EponinePromise of a Spring Moon by Kerichi
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary:
April showers bring May...hassles? Bridesmaid blues and big trouble from small favours complicate Tonks' life when all she wants is to bring her love for Remus into full bloom.
Date: 09/25/06 Title: Chapter 1: Spring Fancy
I love this! I'm not normally one to ship Remus/Tonks, but now I think you've changed that!
Remus sounds a lot like a boy I know. He's sweet, caring, and has too many morals to count. I love how you have characterized him.
I love the idea of having Tonks write a poem such as that. That really made me smile the whole way through. Is it wrong to find her cute while she's drunk? That's sort of what I thought. Hehe : )
I really couldn't find anything I would change in this chapter. It was so well written and you have a major talent of writing things fluently with great descriptive words to fit along. Awesome work!
Author's Response: Wow! I\'m thrilled you\'re reading, especially since you don\'t normally ship Remus/Tonks! Every girl should know a Remus, ^_^, and she was definitely in the happy drunk, not slobbery, sick, call-me-when-you\'re-sober plastered state. So she was cute, and if their relationship had been different, she would\'ve got more than a French Kiss! :D
Thanks so much for the encouragement and again, for reading!
5 A.M. Revelations by msbigbad
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Harry has sworn off loving Ginny...at least until the war is over, but will Ginny go along with that or will she have something to say?
Date: 01/01/07 Title: Chapter 1: 5 A. M. Revelations
Hello :)
After reading your story, I've caught no grammatical errors, which is great! The only big things I caught were characterization. My main concern was Harry. It's really not like him to randomly explode at Ginny and say such deep, almost cliché words.
“No. I’m not going to let you get killed just because I want to be near you, to touch you, to feel you.”
This seems more like something Harry would think, rather than say. I would take away the parts about touching and feeling, but leave the rest, as having him say that he won't let her get killed just because he wants to be near her is very true.
What I would do is try and make this a bit longer. Extend on the points that you give with both Harry and Ginny. Also, it's not very Ginny-like to confess such words to Harry, especially after him yelling at her. The two are more likely to have a conversation rather than argument.
Good luck!
Date: 07/04/06 Title: None
This is really good so far! You've got a good story going so far. There were a few things I'd like to point out just as tips = ] :
A jagged bolt of lightening momentarily illuminated the craggy edge of the mountain.
Lightening should be lightning.
Harry Potter stared out of the fuggy window, not really seeing the trees...
I'm pretty sure you meant foggy?
Harry, (it read) How are you? you’ll be sat around I hope Hedwig’s okay when she gets back; Hermione’s letter looks heavy, never mind the present!
You don't really need to include the (it said) in this. Because it is in italics, it gives the reader the impression that it is the letter as you had mentioned it just before. Also, I put a semi colon in place of your dash. :)
Harry grinned when he read the letter.
I dunno...this part just didn't sound right. Maybe change it to 'Harry grinned as he finished reading the letter.' ?
Harry finished reading and placed the letter back on the desk before turning to the parcels.
Just took out a coma. : )
I really like your idea of weather-proof charms! Both very creative and useful!
spell-o-tape
Just included the dashes.
The smaller one, Ron’s present, which Harry found after tearing through several layers of spellotape and paper, consisted of a bag that would hold up to fifteen things no matter their size. There was also a note saying that Fred and George would be sending their present when the storm died down, because they didn’t want Hedwig to collapse mid-journey.
I found this sentence to be really long and a bit confusing, so I reworded it and made it into two sentences.
Harry then picked up the last package which contained the book Ron had said he, Harry, had left behind.
Once again, I just reworded this one.
So to wrap this up, I think you've really done a good job! Your characters aren't OOC the slightest, something difficult to accomplish. You also have a large vocabulary, something that is very useful when it comes to writing. Job well done!
Date: 07/04/06 Title: None
This is really good so far! You've got a good story going so far. There were a few things I'd like to point out just as tips = ] :
A jagged bolt of lightening momentarily illuminated the craggy edge of the mountain.
Lightening should be lightning.
Harry Potter stared out of the fuggy window, not really seeing the trees...
I'm pretty sure you meant foggy?
Harry, (it read) How are you? you’ll be sat around I hope Hedwig’s okay when she gets back; Hermione’s letter looks heavy, never mind the present!
You don't really need to include the (it said) in this. Because it is in italics, it gives the reader the impression that it is the letter as you had mentioned it just before. Also, I put a semi colon in place of your dash. :)
Harry grinned when he read the letter.
I dunno...this part just didn't sound right. Maybe change it to 'Harry grinned as he finished reading the letter.' ?
Harry finished reading and placed the letter back on the desk before turning to the parcels.
Just took out a comma. : )
I really like your idea of weather-proof charms! Both very creative and useful!
spell-o-tape
Just included the dashes.
The smaller one, Ron’s present, which Harry found after tearing through several layers of spellotape and paper, consisted of a bag that would hold up to fifteen things no matter their size. There was also a note saying that Fred and George would be sending their present when the storm died down, because they didn’t want Hedwig to collapse mid-journey.
I found this sentence to be really long and a bit confusing, so I reworded it and made it into two sentences.
Harry then picked up the last package which contained the book Ron had said he, Harry, had left behind.
Once again, I just reworded this one.
So to wrap this up, I think you've really done a good job! Your characters aren't OOC the slightest, something difficult to accomplish. You also have a large vocabulary, something that is very useful when it comes to writing. Job well done!