Why hello. Yes, it’s me again. Late, but no less fangirly. Let’s get to it, shall we? =)

Her fate had been sealed with that kiss.

Some part of me says that I should be feeling sorry for Cho here. You know, I actually like her character, but here I simply couldn’t care less about her happiness. My point? Mar, you’ve done an excellent job of making me feel so strongly for Katie and Cedric that I just don’t care about any other character. You’ve managed to take command of my feelings and my loyalty, and cleverly attached it to this fabulous pairing. How tricksy!

Aha! I really appreciate an explanation as to why Cedric got together with Cho in the first place. Not only does it all make sense, but you’re also telling us a few important things about Cedric: not only didn’t he ask her out in the first place, but with this explanation we also know that he didn’t go after her simply because of her looks or because they’d have pretty babies look good together. Also, he was decent enough to ask Cho out to “make things up to” her. Now, this could have made Cedric look a bit too perfect and angelic.

But it doesn’t. Why? Because someone that perfect and angelic would’ve been content with Cho. Cedric isn’t; he wants more, and is quite prepared to hurt Cho in order to get it. Such a bad boy! *hides delighted face*

*GRINS* Ed and Porter are just SO adorable. You know, perhaps this is due to more recent events of canon, but all of a sudden they remind me a great deal of Fred and George. But Ed and Porter have… sweeter dispositions, somehow. They’re… cuddly, you know? Somehow, you manage to write them as very masculine, but still I can easily imagine both of them wearing aprons and making Sunday supper. They’re just so loyal, so dear, and SO Hufflepuff. And:

“Oh, really?” Cedric asked, his voice coated in sarcastic shock.

“Yeah, really,” Ed confirmed.

*giggles* Oh, Mar. =) And I don’t really have any grammar/spelling errors to point out or any improvements to suggest, but I did find this formatting error:

“Did you really expect us to stay up in the castle when we [i]knew[/i] you were going to come down here first?”

My only objection to this chapter is its torturing shortness. You can’t expect me to be content with that? No, surely not – so I shall go re-read and review the third and final chapter at once. Bravo, Mar!

Oh, but what’s this? A lonely first chapter without a review? I think I’m going to have to do something about that. ;)

This chapter really does what I believe you intended it to – it introduces your original character (OC) and her background, and sets up a nice starting point for your story. I won’t use the word ‘cliché’, but perhaps ‘classical’, for how you have cut off a character from all that she knows and thrown her into the unknown where, I suspect, adventures are waiting for her. At this point I’m neither for or against that – it can be a good way of spinning things into action, but I advise you to be careful and use all of your imagination so that your OC never turns onto a ‘cliché path’ through your story.

As we’re already talking about her, I think that ‘Meredith’ is a well chosen name for a HP character. It’s not what people refer to as ‘Mary-Sue’, and, to me at least, it doesn’t bear any strong connotations. Thus far we only really know that she cares a great deal about her family, that she’s a bit bored with living in the countryside but knows to appreciate the protection – basically, an average girl, free for you to shape any way you like. I think this is good and I’m a little intrigued about what you might turn her into later, but I think that some readers would have liked a stronger introduction of her; something that stood out, something that was special for Meredith and made people want to read on about her.

What intrigues me even more is how you don’t really reveal whether Meredith is magical or not. The fact that she is aware of the situation of the wizarding world (…a time when there had been so much death.) suggests that she is a witch – but on the other hand you tell us that the Scottish countryside has been her home for all of her life. While I guess that Hogwarts qualifies as “Scottish countryside”, it sounded like you were referring to her family’s estate in particular, and so I’m wondering why she didn’t attend Hogwarts if she is indeed a witch? Answers will probably appear in following chapters, I realise that; I just wanted to compliment you for being so mysterious in the first chapter. ;)

I have some constructive (hopefully) criticism to offer, but not much. Firstly, your story has a bit of a rushed feeling to it – as if you cared about what you wrote, but didn’t work with it much once you had written it. Are you currently using a beta reader? If not, it is something I can most warmly recommend. They would be able to help you with little things like the following:

Meredith closed her thick leather tome she had been reading intently and climbed out of the tree.

In this sentence, it’s supposed to be “the thick leather tome”, as opposed to “her thick leather tome”.

Now in a full sprint, Meredith through herself through the few more yards of thick grass, that was no longer full of beauty and life, but dull and entangled her feet like vines pulling her weight into the ground.

Firstly, I think you meant that Meredith ‘threw’ herself through the grass. And do you mean, literally, that the grass was no longer full of beauty and life, or that it seemed that way because of how Meredith perceived it? Also, the word ‘entangled’ looks like and adjective there, but I see now that you’ve intended to use it as a verb. I would suggest re-writing the sentences like this: “Now in a full sprint, Meredith threw herself through a few more yards of tall grass that no longer seemed full of beauty of life, but dull and dead. It entangled her feet like vines, trying to pull her weight to the ground.”

It seems that you have a knack for descriptions, judging by your first paragraph. I really hope that you will stick with this, but also that you will use it wisely. As my own beta once told me, not many people will want to read 400 words about how a character removes his shirt, but some details thrown in here and there will give your story a feeling of completeness.

Good luck with future chapters! :)

Author's Response: First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I really appreciate the help, it greatly helps me as a writer (and especially since it is my first fan fic!). I\'m definitely going to make a few alterations, as you suggested. Thanks again, and keep reading! I hope to throw a few twists and turns in--Meredith is, I promise, no ordinary OC ;)

Hello Amel! What a wonderful story you have here; I feel like I can’t leave the page without reviewing it.

Wonderful, yes, in terms of mechanics like language and style; the tale itself would be more appropriately labelled as “heart-wrenching”, I think. A rather embarrassing part of me is currently on its knees, begging you not to let this story end the way you’ve left it here, because, surely, there must be a happy ending somewhere out there? The more sensible (and hopefully dominant) part, however, is busy applauding.

The first thing I must comment on his how well you’ve managed to puzzle the pieces of this story together. I wasn’t confused even once, which is unusual for me when reading fics that switch between different times and settings. ;) The whole piece flows incredibly nicely, and the rhythm of your words is captivating.

Something else that impresses me is how you manage to write third person so… intimately that it feels like first-person perspective. At several points in your story I came across the word “she”, and actually had to backtrack a bit to make sure that you hadn’t suddenly switched the point of view. I think this tells us that you have a great gift for making us feel the emotions of your characters.

Yes, let’s talk about your characters. It takes some effort on my part to look at your Ginny objectively, to compare her to the canon figure we know, when the character you’ve written is so alive and elaborate that she seems perfect. I will definitely not suggest any changes, because this person is what you need for the story – she is the story, in several ways – but I’m still going to point out that I’m not entirely sure that canon!Ginny would react this way if Harry disappeared. Though, in the amazing, heated argument with Harry, you have her perfectly pinned down, perfectly in character. It’s rather a rare thing to see, an author who has taken one of JKR’s people and shaped him or her exactly to what they need, and done it so well that characterisation isn’t really an issue. I couldn’t really care less if your Ginny would contradict Jo’s version (not that she does, particularly), because she’s still excellently written.

And, ah! Cyrus! I can’t decide on my major feeling for him – he creeps me out with the whole jealousy and possessiveness thing, but at the same time I’m sorry for him being a Squib and so often looked down upon, and I like him because some part of him seems to genuinely care for Ginny. To sum up, I suppose I could say that he is a wonderfully complex and realistic OC, and that I admire you for writing him.

The other canon characters you’ve included leave nothing to wish for. Your Ron is, for want of a more original word, amazing. I believe I even choked out an, “Oh, Ron!” while reading; he’s so loyal and wonderful and good.

We don’t see much of your Harry – in the flesh, at least. You have done an incredible job of including him in the fic, from the very beginning, without actually mentioning him. And it’s not just because I expect to hear or see something about Harry in every, single story about Ginny, no, I don’t know exactly how you’ve done it, but you make your reader very aware of the fact that he’s missing from the picture. All of the italicised him references work beautifully.

And when we’re already at subtle things that tickled my curiosity, I must also mention how I like the way you dealt with the ‘S-word’. It surprised me that I didn’t make the connection until I saw the whole word, ‘Squib’, especially since I have a Squib play a rather important part in a future fic of my own. I kept thinking, What does she mean? S-word? What?! while reading, and now I can only chuckle and compliment you on a nice details to keep your readers eager.

My reviews are normally full of quotations of parts I particularly liked, but I find that it’s hard to choose favourite slices of this fic when it’s all so good. However, this I thought was very clever and original:

She hinted at a proposal, once, at his home when he had asked her how she would like her rice: fried or boiled. She had told him she would very much like her rice thrown, but the suggestion had gone right over his head and he only told her he had never heard of thrown rice before, and since he was making dinner for her, she would have to settle for either boiled or fried.

For some reason, I found this sentence to be very powerful:

Cyrus had kept that job for more than four years… from the day they had met, to the day it all fell apart…

I know that the line is about his job, but at the same time it includes so much of their history, and it also pushes your readers forward through the story, curious to know why it fell apart.

Now, I don’t nitpick much these days, but I saw a few errors that I would have liked someone to point out to me, had I been the author of this story.

how Hermione had advised her to get on with her won life because boys were thicker than they looked and had to notice a girl themselves - a typo there, ‘won’ where it should say ‘own’.

He had smiled, and kissed her one last time, before slipping his hand out of hers and ensuring her that he would return to her, even after million days… - it should be ‘a million days’, I think?

You’re telling me you, the Great Chosen One, couldn’t have found a way to inform - here I thought that you might have intended to write, ‘You’re telling me that you, etc.’

I’m sorry that I couldn’t offer more constructive criticism on this story, but there is just very little, nothing in fact, that I think could be improved. Though, perhaps I agree with that earlier review, that the title could have been something to hint at the complexity of the story. But on the other hand, simplicity often works just as well. ;)

To round off, Amel, I will tell you that this is the best story I’ve read in a long while, and that the quality of your writing makes me a very, very happy reader. Yes, part of this reader is still at your feet, pleading for the happy ending, but the coherent part of me would like to than you for a deep, captivating and touching story.

Author's Response: Good Lord, how do I express my feelings over this amazing review! It\'s really rare to get such an in-depth one and I\'m flattered beyond belief. :) Thank you so much for all the nitpicks (I fixed them) and comments (I loved them!) and I\'m so happy that you think this is a good story. Thank you, thank you, thank you, a million times over!

Hi Anna!

Yep, I’m finally back to review the second chapter of your fabulous story. I’ve had it printed and scribbled full of notes for a review for almost two weeks now, but this is my first chance to sit down and actually type it up. So here we go!

The overall feeling of the chapter is just as wonderful as your first one – and it’s so nice to see that you really are keeping up the good work. Some authors, I’ve found, put a lot of work into their first chapter but then it’s like they lose inspiration or think that they don’t have to work as hard, or something. But the quality of your writing is just as excellent here, which proves to me that you’re a writer who has found her style, and who knows what she’s doing.

The first part of this chapter is an excellent blend of Josephine’s personal feelings and her thoughts about the Statute of Secrecy. Through her, you show us so many angles and details, and the consequences that will come with the passing of this Statute. It is such a great and grand thing, and at the same time it affects her. As you write, The International Statute of Wizard Secrecy. It would be the end of her relationship.

Before I continue, there are a couple of things I’d like to quote from the very first part of the chapter.

But he was most anxious for the start of the Triwizard Tournament.

I like your rhythmic repetition of “anxious” in this part of the chapter, but I’m not sure about “most anxious” here. In my mind, it sounds better with, “But most of all, he was anxious for”, etc. But that, I suppose, could be a matter of taste.

She knew she loved Pascal, or at least thought she could, but the fact remained that she was a witch and he not a wizard.

This was a little confusing to me. The word I’ve underlined here, ‘could’ – did you mean to write ‘did’? If you meant to write ‘could’, as in ‘would be able to’, then perhaps it would be a good idea to clarify that a bit, maybe by writing something like, “She knew she loved Pascal, and she thought that she would be able to spend her life with him, despite the fact that she was a witch and he was not a wizard.” If that is what you meant, of course. =)

“They would put you to death and kill Pascal right along with you.”

This is wonderful. The words you’ve chosen – not “they would kill you”, but “put you to death”; I love it. Remy’s frankness on the subject tells us that he’s a sensible man, and also that he cares a great deal about his sister.

I’m skipping right to the next part of your chapter, and your magnificent descriptions of Beauxbatons. Not only are those descriptions rich and colourful throughout the chapter, but you’ve been incredibly clever in telling your readers that Versailles was modelled after it. Now, we can all go search Google images for a perfect picture of what Beauxbatons looks like in your story, and those of us who have been fortunate enough to visit Versailles (me, me!) will have a very special insight to what you’ve made the school look like in your story. Excellent!

Along with the information about Versailles, you give us a good idea of exactly how wealthy and important the de Tuileries family is. Good – I like how you keep adding details about the character, instead of giving us all of the information on them in the first chapter.

Sure enough, the gilded gold doors were slowly pushed apart, no longer charged with the lamentable duty of concealing the glorious interiors of the Palace Beauxbatons.

This is Word Art, and I’m grinning from the pleasure of reading it. The “lamentable duty” – yum. You seem to go with impressive words and sentence structures for impressive sceneries and situations in your story, and that is ever so fitting.

One tiny detail before I throw myself over the next part:

William Warrington-Hughes heard this statement spoke, but it floated around the outer regions of his mind, not quite fully registering.

Here it seems that you meant either ‘spoken’ or ‘being spoken’? Another way of putting it might be, “heard this opinion being stated” – just a suggestion. =)

George! Would it be awful if I let go of just a tiny little fangirl squee and say what a wonderful character you’ve created? Well, I mean, another wonderful character – but, guh, George’s dialogue is wonderful from the first word, and “It is truly an assault on the senses.” – lol, his indignation might be sincere, but you still present it in a humorous way. In a matter of four paragraphs, I’ve totally fallen for this character.

Back to William – the paragraph in which you discuss the House history of his family is particularly well-written. It’s full of gems, like “an errant Ravenclaw here and there”, and “practically bled Green and Silver”. The letter that follows soon after this shows another of your great qualities – all of a sudden, you stick a POTTER into your story, and firmly tie your story tighter to the world that JKR created for us. I almost keel over with excitement at this, but still I don’t make the connection – I expect the Potter in your story to be some random person you haven’t introduced yet. And then, when it turns out that he’s George - well, let’s just say that I gasped out loud at work. Of course, this wouldn’t have been half as overwhelming if you hadn’t just introduced George so brilliantly – and that’s the brilliance of your writing in a nutshell, how you make it all fit together so cleverly.

Though, a question: At the end of the letter, Mr Warrington-Hughes has signed his letter “Yours&c”. Is there a typo in there, or is it just me who doesn’t know the meaning of this?

After you presented the Potter Surprise so well, it’s nice with a relatively calm and “smooth” ending of the chapter. Alexandr is so full of determination, and touches my heart in a special way – you know, when I think of it, there is a certain Harry-like quality about him, which greatly appeals to me. (Harry being my favourite character, and all.) You’re doing an excellent job of keeping your readers on edge for more details about Alexandr’s brother.

I spotted something that I thought was a bit odd:

“Lord knows there will be little to no enforcement of the Statute, at least not in Moscow.”

I wonder which “Lord” Mr Gregorovitch is referring to here? I think that, typically, wizard folk would use “Merlin knows” or something like that instead. JKR never really discussed wizard religion in her books, but I can’t remember ever hearing a pure-blood (or any person who grew up with a magical family) use the words “God” or “Lord”, if not referring to the Dark Lord.

And… sigh. I feel such sympathy for Alexandr. Of course, the Tournament is important for everyone involved, but to him it’s dead serious – about life and death, even. I can’t help it and I don’t know why, though perhaps it’s because he’s the last person you write about in the chapter, but when I finish reading I’m quietly rooting for Alexandr.

As you can hopefully tell from my blabbering, Anna, I’m enjoying your story immensely, and I hope I’ll be able to write down my review for your third chapter soon. In the meantime, though, I would like to thank you for sharing such a lovely story with us!

Author's Response: My, oh my. Once again, your review has made me a very happy girl! I seriously think your comments are better written than the story!! :)

The Statute seemed like a perfect anchor to kind of base the story around, although you might find that it slips to the background as the Tournament intensifies. Rest assured that by the end, all will be tied together. ;) But of the three characters, the Statute will probably affect Josie most--at least in the most tangible way--so it was very important for me to try to convey her thoughts, and I\'m thrilled that they came through so well!

I think the changes you suggested are spot-on. I did mean to say something along the lines of \"would be able to love\" instead of could--that is exactly what I intended. So thanks for the suggestion! I will hopefully make that change--I want to go back and do some edits to the story sometime in the near(ish) future.

You\'ve understood my conception of Remy perfectly, too--or at least Remy as we know him so far. He\'s not afraid to be frank, and he and Josie are incredibly close.

Versailles. Oh, Versailles. What a magnificent place! I went about two years ago and was just blown away (although the Hall of Mirrors was closed for renovations! I was so upset), and I knew that it was perfect for Beauxbatons. From what we saw of them in GoF, it seems like they are pretty haughty and used to real elegance, so what better model for that than the craziest, most self-indulgent palace of all time?? :)

I\'m so pleased you like George. I considered not putting a Potter in the story, and then actually regretted it after I did, but I\'ve since warmed up to the idea. Like you said, it\'s nice to have some tie-in to JKR\'s stuff. A Potter keeps the story grounded in canon, and it was fun to imagine how Harry\'s ancestors might have acted! George is fun to write. :)

\"Yours &c.\" is the way that people used to sign letters--it\'s another way of saying \"yours, et cetera.\" The first time I read it (probably in \"Pride and Prejudice\") I was so confused, but apparently it was totally normal, so I thought I should include it!

I never considered that Aleksandr and Harry are similar, but I guess I can see it! They both certainly are determined, and definitely share some demons they have to overcome--haunted pasts, if you will. I wonder if the comparison will hold up as we see more and more of Aleksandr. I\'m interested to see what you think!

The \"Lord\" was actually a conscious insertion. I figured that this (1691) was a much more religious time than today\'s world, especially in Russia, so I wanted Gregorovitch to be holding on to an older time. Also, I kind of wanted to hint that maybe his faith in God is growing as his faith in the wizarding world is fading. That might be way too much to infer from a single word, and I agree that it might not fit in with the picture she\'s painted, but it felt natural for Mr. Greg. :)

I\'ll tell you a secret: Aleksandr is my favorite. If you\'re rooting for him, it\'s probably because I am, too! Don\'t tell the others! hehe

I am very nervous that the quality of the chapters won\'t be consistent. I had to write this story so fast because of the challenge deadlines, and I think some chapters work a lot better than others. That\'s just a warning for you, I suppose! But I do sincerely hope that you enjoy the rest of the story, and even if you hate it, I\'m sure the quality of your reviews will be enough to keep me going! Seriously, they are amazing. You are doing S.P.E.W. proud!!!

Thanks again,
--Anna

*shakes head* Silly people leaving such wonderful reviews for ALL of Abi’s stories! But I tried to pick a story that had gotten, by comparison, little attention. So, *rubs hands together*, here we go!

Mm, yes, I love me a missing moment fic. The very fact that an author has chosen to write one proves to me that they have a genuine interest in canon and are willing to spend some time and effort on researching the books and referring to them. (You know, not like me who only does so when it suits me and then bluntly ignore JKR’s work the rest of the time…) So, what I’m trying to say is that you get a shiny, golden star from me simply because you chose to write this type of fic. Yay for you. :)

I also believe that writing a missing moment fic puts the author in a particularly JKR-ish mood and that it’s easier to be true to her style and her characters when you’re consciously trying to fit your story into hers. Perhaps it’s because of this, perhaps not, but in either case I think you’ve done a splendid job of writing something that could well be by Jo herself.

I’m going to discuss Hermione for a bit, because while Penelope is very well written and I have no complaints there, she’s not very prominent in canon and thus I can be more picky about Hermione. ;) In fact, I had never realised what an untypical thing it must have been for Hermione to tear a page out of a book! Well spotted! Overall, you have written her perfectly – exactly how I want to read her. You’ve got the essential details plus a few you’ve added yourself; I loved the note on her facial expression when knowing she was right.

You’ve got Hermione’s brains right, and her faith in people like prefects and professors. She’s still very young in CoS, and I although Hermione was always very clever and advanced for her age, I think you’ve captured her youth very well. At the moment I can’t recall whether the book said that it wasn’t Hermione’s mirror, but if it didn’t then I’m glad that you let it be Penelope’s – I don’t think that 13-year-old Hermione would be carrying a mirror in her pocket/bag.

This is probably my favourite line from the entire fic:

‘That’s what I used to think,’ said Hermione. ‘And then a great big owl delivered a letter to my house, saying I was a witch. And since then, things just can’t seem to leave me alone.’

The tone is very Hermione, but also with a wonderfully familiar dash of Harry-ness (“You know me – I like a quiet life.” and “Trouble usually finds me.”). However, I might suggest a change to the last sentence. “Things” sound a bit too general, there. I realise that you’re referring to Penelope’s “those kinds of things” in the previous line of dialogue, but maybe it would be clearer if you wrote, “And since then, those kinds of things just won’t stop happening.”

The only other issues I had with the story also concerned dialogue. If you look at the following bit:

‘You’re probably right,’ Hermione agreed. ‘But oh no …’

See the last part? “But oh no …”? I just can’t picture someone saying that in my head. It’s not impossible, but I think it would be more like, “But… Oh no!” Or maybe, “But… Oh no…” Does that make sense?

And this was something I thought was a bit out of character for Hermione:

‘We’ll use it to look around corners and things,’ explained Hermione. ‘That way, if the Basilisk is there, we’ll at least only be Petrified, not killed.’

It’s evil old “things” again. ;) When you place it in her dialogue like that, it sounds like she’s blabbering, and while we have seen a blabbering!Hermione in canon (in Borgin and Burke’s, for one), I don’t think it’s very typical for her. If you meant it as a specific “things”, it might sound better with, “We’ll use it to look around corners and statues and other things.”

After analysing it a bit more, I get a feeling that this isn’t one of your fics that you’ve spent the most time on. Your style is as lovely as ever and your language is tidy yet expressive, but I wouldn’t have minded seeing some more description concerning emotions and setting. That said, I can’t find a particular place in the story to just squeeze something in – it’s a well-rounded and lovely little piece with a dramatic ending. Good job, dear!

Oh, Ilka! What a lovely gem of a story you have here! Your writing is as nice as ever, although… I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something unusually mature and well-developed about your language in this piece, as if you’ve put extra effort and thought into all your sentences and word choices. Speaking of which, I couldn’t find a single typo or grammar error! So if you find this review to be sadly lacking in constructive criticism, well, I daresay it’s your own fault. ;)

Theodore Nott is an interesting character to work with, isn’t he? We know of his family’s connections within the Wizarding world and that he’s a Slytherin, but very little about his personality or beliefs. As such he’s in a perfect position to play with, to develop, and I must say that you have done this very well. Daphne Greengrass is a similar person, I think, although you’ve had even more space to make up her character and, again, you’ve done that so well!

I’m slightly in awe over the conversation you’ve written between Pansy and Theodore; it flows so well and naturally, and you express their feelings so accurately. Pansy’s character is spot on, and you make me dislike her just as much as I do when reading the canon works.

Now, what I find most interesting about this one-shot is that it focuses (at least enough for you to put it in a Romance category) on a relationship, and Theodore’s feelings for Daphne. It becomes very difficult to put him down as a good or a bad character; he does belong to Voldemort, but he’s so gentle and patient with Daphne. It doesn’t seem like he’s thought about opposing Voldemort, but I get a feeling that he’s mostly suggesting that Daphne should join his ranks for her own protection. Somehow, it reminds me of what Jenna does with Lucius Malfoy’s character in Sins of the Father - he’s one of the bad guys, but he has still got feelings and is more than just a mindless monster. And that, I think, is absolutely fascinating to read about, especially when it’s as well-written as this one-shot!

Thank you, Ilka, for sharing this story with us. It is beautifully written and leaves me thoughtful, in a good way. I daresay that this is the best I’ve read of your work! =)

Author's Response: No typos or grammar mistakes? Wow, that must be a first! Theodore was indeed a lovely character to play with. At first he was just supposed to pretend to like Daphne to get her to join Voldemort, but he ended up having actual feelings for her and then he just couldn\'t be a completely evil character anymore. I definitely have to read Sins one of these days, I hate it when people make Lucius cold and without feelings, so I will most likely enjoy Jenna\'s Lucius very much. *huggles Anna* Thanks for the wonderful review!

Ahem. *wipes eyes* I need to say something. Well, knowing myself I’ll be saying lots of things, but the thing that matters is - thank you!

To tell you the blunt and honest truth, I’m not a big fan of Hermione in fanfiction. Few authors write her the way I want to read her, and way too many turn her into a piece of meat with brains. There’s more to her than that, and I’m glad to find another person who recognises this, ;)

Ah, yes, that over and done with, where do I begin? Perhaps with characterisation. I already mentioned that I approve of how you write Hermione, but it’s the same with Harry and Ron. And not only do you write them well in character, including their dialogue, but you write them as if they were actually eleven- and twelve-year-olds. Most impressive.

I especially like Harry’s regret and concern as he worried about having exposed Hermione to something that might hurt her - in my eyes, that is so incredibly typical for him. Ron is his clumsy, blunt self, isn’t he? *chuckles* I love how you’ve included his feelings for Hermione, and how you prove to us that he did not, after all, mean any harm. What can I say? Ron in a nutshell. :)

But I need to return to Hermione for a moment. You’ve captured her so well, with her analytical self and appropriate reactions to the mirror. And when I say ‘captured’, I mean more than her character – I mean her heart and soul. Lots of people seem not to understand exactly how much she cares about Ron and Harry, but you’ve come up with the perfect way of showing it to us. Her heart’s deepest desire, to see the three of them without worries and grief and always happy, shows how tremendously unselfish and good-hearted she is. Ah, it makes me so happy!

Now, what also doesn’t hurt is that your language is excellent. I find that I often compliment authors because their styles are very ‘JKR-ish’ or clean, or because they use description cleverly, but with your writing I think it’s enough to mention the flow. I didn’t think about your writing at all while I read; I never stopped to consider it but was only captured by the meaning of your words. And while I like to be knocked off my feet by a stunning description of some random scenery, what you’ve done here is much harder to accomplish. It is, I believe, the kind of writing that can never be forced, but that flows from the fingertips of an inspired and naturally talented author.

Oh gosh, the gushing. I should probably stop now, shouldn’t I? I’m afraid I have no constructive criticism to offer – this is a true gem you’ve shared with us here. Thank you!

Finally. =) I’ve been meaning to read this story since you posted it, and I’ve been even more eager to do so since I saw the banner that Jenna made for it, but somehow I haven’t gotten around to it until now.

It seems that Teddy/Victoire is quickly becoming a new favourite pairing within our fandom, and it’s not difficult to see why. With parents like theirs, how could they be anything but interesting characters? And with that in mind, I think it’s interesting to see how authors choose to interpret Teddy’s and Victoire’s characters. Since we know their parents so well, it is of course tempting to pass on some of their traits, but I believe that this can easily be overdone. When you think about it, we rarely write other canon characters based on their parents’ personalities. They might of course affect the character, but more through the circumstances of their lives than their actual persons.

Ehm, yes, that blabbering was actually leading up to something. I really like how you have written Victoire, but I’m especially impressed with your interpretation of Teddy Lupin. I don’t know how you feel about Tonks’ character, but I know that there are many people who are not so fond of her and might not have “included” her at all when writing Teddy. She’s not overly prominent in your version either, but we have of course got the metamorphmagusness, and the way Teddy stumbles over his words around Victoire somehow reminds me of how his mother sometimes stumbled over more substantial things. ;) There is Remus, too, I think, in your Teddy, but what strikes me the most there is the contrast between his action and his father’s inaction. Didn’t Jo tell us how Remus often stood idly by when James and Sirius did things they shouldn’t have? But here is Teddy, all confident and brave and righteous, and it makes me SO happy. Because, you see, while I can see both of Teddy’s parents in him, there is someone else there, too – Harry.

And that makes so much wonderful sense! Teddy’s situation in life is obviously much more like Harry’s was, than either of his parents’. Yet you can tell from Teddy’s confidence and bravery that he has had good role models like Harry never had, and that he has grown up in a safe environment like Harry never did.

So, to sum up about Teddy – it looks to me like you have used your knowledge of his parents and godfather to write the base for a person we can recognise. But only the base – the rest of him is your own creation entirely, and I adore it. You have a knack for male characters, I daresay, keeping in mind how wonderfully you wrote Cedric in All At Once.

And now I feel like I have to say something else about Victoire. You have written her very well indeed, Mar, so when I say that I think you could have done it even better, I’m sure that’s just because you did such an amazing job on Teddy. I’m not sure how you could have improved her character further, but maybe you could have put a little more emphasis on some of her personality traits – when I look at her alone she’s lovely, but next to Teddy she’s a little… flat? No, that is too harsh. What I’m saying is not that you should rewrite this story and change Victoire, but rather that in the future, you should take an extra look at your female characters to make sure they match up to the awesomeness of the male ones. Perhaps, =)

Some nitpicks:

They laughed so much her sides were sore, and her cheeks were sore from smiling so much.

At the end of the evening, her heart was a little sore, too. She was happy, but there was still that acute yearning for something more with Teddy.

I approve of the repetition of ‘sore’ in the first and second sentence there, because it ties them together nicely, but I think it’s a bit too much to have it twice in the first sentence. I suggest keeping the second one so that it still ties up with the next sentence, and maybe changing the first to ‘aching’ or something.

That that is exactly what I want, and I’m shocked and thrilled that you want it to?

I think you mean ‘too’ at the end there, and not ‘to’?

And now I need to quote something that made me grin madly:

When had that happened? When had every action begun to revolve around him? She hated it. She hated how much it hurt to have him think badly of her.

How very Darcy/Elizabeth of them! But it’s subtle and lovely, dear, like so many other details you’ve put in this fic. I must say that the story comes across as very well worked through, and even though there are so many parts to it you have managed to create a lovely flow to the text.

I’m a bit torn about the ending – on the one hand, I like the simplicity of it, but on the other hand, I feel like if you had just waited a little longer, it could have been spectacular. I’m not sure what I would have liked to see before the ending, as I greatly approve of Teddy forgiving Victoire at once. Maybe a bit of confusion, where they both thought that the other was upset with them? But, yes, I also like the ending you did write. =)

…

Yes, it seems that I’m still incapable of writing a normal, short review, so perhaps I should try and round this one off, like, now? Mar, I can honestly say that I enjoyed this story very much, and that it really had… well, a Mar!feeling to it. Or a Mar!style, I suppose, which is something wonderful and highly enviable. Thank you for sharing it! :D

Ha, it seems that I’ve managed to find a Beth!story that doesn’t already have lots and lots of reviews. Though, having mentioned that, I must say I’m surprised to see that there weren’t more reviews for this story; while perhaps not very… uplifting, the pure quality of the story still improves my mood.

I’m sure I must have mentioned it in a review for you before, Beth, but I’m going to say it again: your writing is a joy to read. Your command of the English language is impeccable and so mature; I somehow feel safe when enjoying your works, because I know that my reading experience is in good hands. I get the same feeling from reading your stories as from only a few other MNFF writers – the feeling that you are actually a more accomplished writer than the original author, even if you happen to be basing your stories in her world.

The formal tone of this story is perfect for Percy. It makes me aware of how important it is to build not only the story, but also the type of language you use for writing it, around the main character. You use more advanced words not only in the dialogue but also in the rest of the text, which, seeing as we’re listening to Percy’s point of view, is incredibly fitting.

I feel almost grateful that you took the time to explore and develop the Penelope aspect of Percy’s “betrayal”. It is something that we never learned about in the books, but something that must have been important to his character. I couldn’t agree more with your interpretation of Percy and your reasoning for his actions – which is what makes the story so heartbreaking. A non-convincing Percy’s break-up with Penelope wouldn’t have interested me much, but here, you make it a very personal sacrifice for him, and successfully make me hate and pity him at the same time.

The ending is, for want of a better word, tragic. A nice little reminder, I feel, when most fanfic stories revolving around romance tend to lean towards happier endings. And while I’m generally one in favour of fluff and peace and understanding, I also appreciate the kind of harsh reality of love that you show us here.

Excellent, my friend. :)

Jennifer! I can’t believe that you only have one chapter submitted for this story – please tell me that you’re still working on it?

I’ve never thought about it before, but it makes complete sense to start writing a Lily/James story after the release of Deathly Hallows. While we pretty much know what happens to Harry & Company, we’re still only left with a few details of his parents’ life – meaning that you’ll have much more freedom writing about them, but you still have enough from JRK to make it solid.

Severus Snape is a brilliant example of this, of course. Now that we know so much more about his and Lily’s friendship, you can do so much with that in a Lily/James story. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised to see that there wasn’t a single mentioning of James in the first chapter, and that, instead, her thoughts were occupied with Severus. Your reader already knows that this is going to be a Lily/James story, but by excluding him from the beginning, you make sure to present Lily as her own character – she’s not dependant on him; there doesn’t have to be a James in every scene.

I also never realised what a great tool Petunia is for Lily’s character. While reading this chapter, I was very aware of Lily’s reactions to Petunia; it’s a great way to define her, and if I were you I’d use this as much as possible. And I suspect the whole Petunia deal will come in useful when you work on Lily/James, because it’s something about her that he might not be aware of, and it’d be interesting to see what he has to say about Petunia, and how Lily might agree with him or defend her sister, depending on how you want to shape her character. Ah, I’m rambling, but it’s all so fascinating – you have so many possibilities here!

Through canon!Petunia, we also know that their parents were excited about Lily being a witch. I know she’s about to begin her sixth year now, so I’m not saying that owl post should surprise her parents, but I feel like a little “after five years, they had grown quite comfortable with post owls zooming in and out of their windows” would have been nice, sort of to reinforce the fact that they’re willing and happy to put up with various oddities because they’re proud of Lily. And while we’re on the subject of Evans parents, I’m curious about why you decided to call their mum ‘Penelope’. I love that name, but most writers tend to avoid using names that are already used in HP!verse; in this case, Penelope Clearwater.

I’ve jotted down some random notes of things I want to comment on:

For some reason, I really like that you gave Lily a messy room. I’m sure she can be a very organised person, or else she wouldn’t have been Head Girl, but it was still nice to see this “imperfection” to her, and it’s also a proof that she’s fairly relaxed at home.

The Evans family all knew talking about Severus was off limits, but apparently Petunia had decided to test Lily’s non-existent patience with the subject. - I really like this. In this short sentence, you let us know that Lily has a close enough relationship with her parents to talk about her friends (and boyfriends?), and for them to know that she’s upset about Severus. You also tell us that Lily has a ‘non-existent patience with the subject’; it seems very teenage-ish of her, but I also interpret this like she doesn’t lack patience in general.

‘Horrible?’ Lily shrieked, incensed. ‘Horrible? You’re the horrible one! Strutting around this place calling me a freak just because I’m a witch? You wanted to be just like me once!’ - I’d be very, very careful here, on the ‘shrieked’ part. Are you sure that your Lily ‘shrieks’? For some reason, it didn’t sound entirely right with the rest of what you’ve written of her. And… are you sure that Lily knew just how desperately Petunia wanted to be a witch? I always thought of that as a secret desire she kept hidden. And if Lily did know about it, she probably also knows how touchy the subject is – maybe you should have mentioned something about it being a “low blow”?

That Severus was evil, like all his Death Eater friends, and she had blindly followed him down that path. / Ever since Lord Voldemort had come into power in her first year at Hogwarts, it had been Lily’s dream to try and defeat him, and become a famous Auror. - These sentences raise a couple of questions in my brain. Firstly, was ‘Death Eaters’ a known name for Voldemort’s followers at this point? And, secondly, did Voldemort ever really ‘come into power’ during his first rise? Yes, he became increasingly powerful and gained more control over the wizarding world, but he was never officially ‘in power’, was he? It might just be my interpretation, but ‘come into power’ sounds very official, sort of like when someone is elected President or Prime Minister – or, you know, Minister of Magic. ;)

Maddi thought her mother was a complete embarrassment, but Lily thought she was amazing. - lol! That’s so often the case, isn’t it? Especially when it comes to single mums, I think. I just thought this was a wonderful detail, and it gives us a quick but very significant insight to Maddi’s life.

And while we’re on the subject of Maddi, I very much like the paragraph where you introduce her to us properly – it’s original and fresh, and you have me curious about her character. Though, I’d like it even better without the very first part, ‘If you didn’t know her’; the generic you is very tricky to use, I think, because it can give your reader the impression that you’re talking directly to them. I would remove that part completely, because I think it works beautifully without it, or else change it to something like, ‘To those who didn’t know her’.

I realise I haven’t really said anything about your writing style, Jennifer, but I that’s because it’s flawless and smooth. I couldn’t find a single typo, spelling or grammar error, so thumbs up for you and your beta. Your language is extremely pleasant to read, while I still feel that you could be even better – nothing is wrong, but I see a lot of potential in your words. And this is even better than reading “perfect” writing, because I would rather read the works of someone on their way to perfection – sort of like how I prefer these first days of real spring to the full bloom of summer; I know the brilliance that is to come, but I enjoy these times more, because there is still anticipation.

All in all, beautiful. As I said at the very beginning, I do hope that you’re going to continue this? I don’t know if this is a rational feeling, dear, but for some reason you make a very, very proud SPEW mum. :D

Author's Response:

*gushes* What a lovely review. :] I am still working on this, don’t worry. I had troubles submitting chapter two, and then I decided to rewrite parts of it. I’ll have to contact Beth to get her to put it through the queue. Your comments were all wonderful, though, Anna.