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Gratification and Justification by Cinderella Angelina
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Victoire Weasley can hardly believe it herself. How is it that she's suddenly developed feelings for her best friend, Teddy Lupin, and in his last year of Hogwarts too? Now she must spend her sixth year not only adjusting her long-held sensibilities of how their relationship should work, but his as well.
There's not always a reason for everything that happens, and sometimes the reward for action looks more like a consequence. But that's just how life goes sometimes.
Date: 01/24/08 Title: Chapter 1: The Quidditch Match
Well, Leslie!
This was NOT what I was expecting! Actually, I wasn’t expecting anything at all, since I hadn’t even read the summary for your new story. I didn’t know what it was about, not even the pairing – though I was very amused to see that it was (well, hopefully will be) Teddy/Victoire, since I had just read and reviewed Mar’s A Pair. As I said to her, it seems that this is quickly becoming a new favourite pairing in the fandom, and I’m really glad to see that another talented author has decided to write it. :D
I’m going to start with a pointy finger – but it will be the only one, so don’t worry. I think the story would look much nicer if you added some blank lines between the author’s note and the beginning of the chapter. I know, I know, this doesn’t affect the actual story, but it makes the reading experience a bit more pleasant.
It’s very realistic, I think, that Victoire would be mindful of her mother’s opinion of her, but also that it wouldn’t stop her from doing what she wanted. I suppose characters like Victoire and Teddy could be called “half-canon” or something, since they were invented by JKR, but we don’t actually know them like we know, say, the trio. But I think that most fandom people have conceived some idea of them anyway, since we know something of the circumstances of their lives; I have a very clear idea of Victoire in my head, and the way you have written her fits nicely together with that.
Ooh, I must say that you’re making very good use of Teddy being a metamorphmagus, without exaggerating it. I also like how Victoire reacts to his various looks, and how she seems comfortable with commenting on it.
I need to compliment you on your varied use of verbs when writing dialogue, including words like ‘supplied’, ‘grumped’ and ‘remarked’. I know it’s a common writing tip, trying not to write ‘said’ all the time, but sometimes authors avoid it to the point where it almost becomes ridiculous. You, on the other hand, use it in a way that gives a nice, varied feeling and flow to your text; it makes it look like you put a lot of thought into what you write.
So, Teddy has a reputation, has he? Hee.
I suppose that you prove it already when writing Teddy and Victoire so well, but I will say that you have a wonderful talent for creating original characters, Tina being the finest example here. She’s more than just “Victoire’s friend”, and also more than just a filler character. When I’m on the subject of her it feels natural to mention the wonderful dialogue you’ve written in this chapter, between Tina and Victoire but also between Victoire and Teddy. It’s witty, it’s natural and it flows so nicely, and… well, the sheer quality of it makes me a very happy reader. In fact, I shall give you some of my favourite lines:
“Victoire had to be forcibly dissuaded from her new-found aspiration to be an icicle,” Tina informed him matter-of-factly.
Just… lol!
“I’ll do what I please, Miss Weasley,” he responded.
Which also serves an example of the wonderful dynamic between Teddy and Victoire. Ha! I can’t say anything more coherent than that I simply love it.
"So...can I get you anything to eat or drink?” Teddy asked, changing the subject. “Something to get you feeling properly victorious?”
“Don’t say it...” Victoire warned, but Teddy never passed up this opportunity, and tonight certainly wasn’t any exception.
“It’s not a victory party without Victoire feeling victorious, I always say,” Teddy finished smugly, reaching out to tweak her nose again.
You know, I thought that was very clever of you. We’re all more or less sick of the Sirius/serious joke by now, but a Victoire name-joke feels new and, when so wonderfully delivered by Teddy, just right.
Ah, and I can’t finish this review without mentioning my delight when suddenly reading ‘holy Helga!’ in the chapter. And in the Gryffindor common room, too! Of course, being the clever person that you are, you didn’t just let it pass like that so that reviewers could be nitpicky about it, but let Victoire react to it. Well done, dear.
Speaking of well done, so was the very end of the chapter. After reading it I feel both complete and unsatisfied, and I like how the last line tied back to dialogue from earlier in the chapter – that always gives a nice, circular feeling, don’t you think? Anyway, Leslie, this story was unexpected in many ways, but I’m so glad that I sat down to read it. Now I must continue with the next chapter, I think…
Untold Tales From the Songbook of Priscilla Love by TheVanishingAct
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Priscilla Love, a sixth year at Hogwarts during Harry Potter's final year, is a hormonal, profanity-loving, teenage girl who has the hots for Seamus Finnigan and the hates for Lavender Brown. Her best friend Valerie is a shawl-wearing binge-emotionalist who could name a thousand uses for toadstools at a moment’s notice. Phoebe and Selene Rowle are notorious for their father’s crimes as a Death Eater, but not for any wrongs they committed (unless it’s for being the most mysterious set of twins Hogwarts has ever seen). So what, exactly, do these four have in common?
An attack on Dean Thomas leaves him severely injured and left in the care of St. Mungo's, where he learns that he can no longer communicate normally. He has secrets of where the Dark Lord's Horcruxes are, but without being able to talk or write, the only way he can communicate is through his art.
It's up to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and a dispatch of Ministry Officials to find these Horcruxes. It's up to Priscilla Love to tell her point of view of these events as she works with her peers to understand what the bloody hell is going on. Oh, and she must win Seamus' heart (and unoccupied side of the bed).
It’s a matter of life and death – for everyone involved.
Date: 03/23/08 Title: Chapter 1: Faster Than Me and My Lacy Bras Could Run
*laughs and claps hands together* Patrick! I see the genius is returned!
I feel that this is an excellent first chapter for your story, and I absolutely forbid you to abandon it. Okay? Well then, let’s get on with the review. ;)
It’s not the first time I’m reading a Seventh Year-story from an OC’s point of view, but you make yours unique both through the main character, and through the way you’re telling it. Priscilla; what can I say about her? She seems terribly funny, scandalous, self-involved, a little rude and generally “girly”. I would probably not like her at all as a person, but as a character she amuses me and offers an excellently original angle of a Hogwarts student’s life.
The narrator voice you provide us through her has a dash of Bridget Jones to it; perhaps this is partly because of the title, The Songbook of Pricilla Love vs Bridget Jones’s Diary, but it’s also something about the humorous tone of your writing.
I find it very hard to tell what you’re going to do with this OC, which is of course very nice and intriguing. I can’t know whether you’re going to keep her this… shall we say light-hearted, or if you’re going to put her in a position where she has to face reality and thus become less shallow.
One thing I definitely love is how you don’t hold back on innuendos and naughtiness; and that isn’t mainly because I’m a scandalous person who enjoys that, but because it seems that you’ve really found your own style, your voice in this. I get the feeling that while writing this, you’ve not once stopped and thought, “Can I write this? Is this okay for Harry Potter fanfic?” Surely, you’re using existing characters and settings in an ever so admirable way, but the parts I really appreciate about this fic are the ones that are of your own invention.
It’s interesting that we were talking about that play you’re in only yesterday, because I think this story definitely has the tone of a play. Your writing is very detailed; not so much when it comes to the setting, but you’re very careful about telling exactly what people do and how they express themselves. I was thinking how easy it would be for your story to be turned into a play; it is obvious that you’re using knowledge gained from the theatre world while writing this, even if it’s unintentional on your part, and it’s GREAT for your story. I believe that by being an actor, you’re more aware of how your characters would look and sound and act in the situations and dialogues you put them in, and you convey that to us in an excellent way.
I don’t really have any constructive criticism to add, I’m afraid. I’m only hoping to see another chapter soon, written with the same humour and insight and wittiness, where Priscilla has to face different aspects of the HP world, which will let us learn more about her and her (hopefully) hidden depths.
Great writing, Mr Tuxedo. ;)
Author's Response: *hugs Anna* Thank you so much for the fabulous review from like, forever ago! :D
You Alone by Arial Felchem
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: What kind of a person walks out on his best friend and the girl he loves? Ron is at Shell Cottage, a few days after leaving Harry and Hermione, pondering the consequences of his actions after abandoning his friends.
Date: 08/31/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Oh, this story is very touching. I think you’ve done an excellent job of capturing Ron’s character –that fine balance between remorse and attempts at justification for what he has done is just perfect for him.
I always think that a second person point of view is interesting to read, and I’ve found that it works differently for different characters. I recently read one of Rowena Ravenclaw, and in that story I really got the feeling that she was addressing herself, so to speak. Here, it sounds more like an external voice speaking to Ron, which I think is because of how I picture him as a character. Don’t get me wrong, it works well and it’s beautifully written, but I think it’s interesting how second person point of views can be so different.
I like your language a lot; it’s varied and intelligent, and the mostly short sentences in this story really suit Ron. I didn’t catch a single spelling or grammar error, so thumbs up for that – whether to you or your beta or both. ;)
As I read your story, I feel that you’ve nailed down all the important aspects of Ron – his friendship with Harry, his love for Hermione, the jealousy and concern, the thoughts about his family, the importance of being brave, the stubbornness and, in the end, the willingness to do the right thing.
There are some very strong pictures in your story, of the weather and of Ron’s mental visions of Harry and Hermione, both laughing at him and being intimate, as well as suffering and being dead. You’ve written this very well; as a reader, I really feel for Ron.
This is a well-chosen missing moment for a fic, and I feel that I can more easily appreciate it because I know that all will eventually end happily. Thank you for a lovely read!
Author's Response: And thank you for a lovely review! This story was definitely an experiment for me, as I'd never written in second person POV before, so I'm interested in hearing how people respond to the effect. I'm also glad to hear that you couldn't spot any grammar or spelling errors, I was really hoping none had snuck in! Thank you again for such a thoughtful and interesting review. : )
When Worlds Collide by jenny b
Rated: 6th-7th Years •
Summary:
Rose was a Weasley. She never gave Scorpius Malfoy a second glance. They were sworn enemies, even though they’d barely even spoken to each other. But sometimes all it takes for love to blossom is a Potions lesson, a few snide remarks and a dropped book.
Two people. Two entirely different worlds that are suddenly intertwined.
Date: 05/01/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: The Book That Changed Everything
So, I gather that this fic is intended to distract your readers while we wait for a Love Is Just Hate With A Smile update? Well, then I guess I shall have to read it. ;)
It’s quite a jump from Marauder Era to Next Generation fic, but I can tell you at once that I enjoyed this, too. The stories are quite different, in terms of language. The feeling I get is that you put a lot of thought and effort into Love Is Just Hate etc., whereas When Worlds Collide (at least its first chapter) is more of a… recreational writing project for you. I still recognise your lovely style here, but it’s more relaxed, somehow, like you’re less concerned with your words and more with sharing the story. This isn’t critique or praise, but just an observation. :)
My favourite thing about Next Generation fics are all the possibilities offered by the Weasley/Potter family dynamics. You’ve used this well, I think, both creating a very strong bond and sense of togetherness, but also used the large number of relatives to emphasise on the difference in some of them – Albus, who’s not too keen on Quidditch, for example.
Speaking of Quidditch, I’m a little torn about the whole Gryffindor team being made up by Weasleys and Potters. Firstly, I’m curious to know if all eleven of them were sorted into Gryffindor? If they are, I’m not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, yes, all seven of Molly’s and Arthur’s children were in Gryffindor, so it’s not completely unlikely that all of their grandchildren also would be. But at the same time it’s a little predictable – wouldn’t it have been more interesting if a few of them, or maybe just one, was in a different House? If some of them actually are, in your fic, I think it would have been great to point this out. ;) And as for the Quidditch team – again, it’s not unlikely that the best players in Gryffindor would be all Weasleys and Potters, but perhaps you should have added something about how the flying teacher (Madam Hooch, still?) had to help out with try-outs, or James would have been accused of being biased?
‘About time,’ he said, looking at his watch. ‘What do you do up there every morning?’ - I really like what you’ve shown us of your interpretation of Albus. While he’s not into Quidditch and not so forward, he’s still very boyish, I think. He reminds me very much of Harry, but not in an obvious and cliché way. I hope this likeness is something you’re going to continue playing on in this lovely, subtle manner. And, I simply must tell you how much I giggled at the scene where his reciting of the potion ingredients was mistaken for chivalry – very sweet and funny, and excellent dialogue!
Rose turned to see Fred standing there. He was Head Boy, much to his father’s dismay. - lol! Again, I’m torn. Of course, George would put on a humorously displeased face if his son became Head Boy, and the fact that you mention this makes me want to keep it in the story. But at the same time I think it would be advisable not to let the Weasleys/Potters be everything - Quidditch team, Prefects, Head Boy.
‘No, I just want to kill Ravenclaw!’ James said, putting his head between them and making both girls jump. ‘Be there or I’ll kick you off the team.’ - Hee. I know that we only had the briefest of glimpses of the Next Generation characters in the DH epilogue, but somehow this James is still perfectly in character with the impression I got of him on those few pages. I picture him as very confident, and I’m sure that he’ll be a Quidditch Captain even more maniac than Oliver Wood.
The Slug Club was still going, and Rose and Albus both were members of it. - I really like that Slughorn is still around; by some canon characters we know better, you give yourself lots of opportunities to tie your story closer to Jo’s works. And when Slughorn is still around, I of course expect the Slug Club to be, too, so I’m not sure why I’m not entirely happy with the sentence I’ve quoted here. Perhaps it could be a little more detailed? Sort of like, ‘Even though he frequently complained about rheumatic pains and old war wounds, Professor Slughorn still had enough energy left to keep his notorious Slug Club running; Rose and Albus were both slightly reluctant members.’ Because, while I think the Slug Club might be interesting sometimes, I think you need to give your characters the credit of not being overly excited about it.
I feel that I need to pause here and talk about Rose herself – she is, after all, your chosen main character. I really, really like the voice you’ve found for her, and how you define her through her relationships with friends and family. I’m also pleased to see that she has a burning and genuine interest in Quidditch; girls are always more fun like that, I think, if they’re truly interested in a sport, as opposed to the boys who play it. ;) Rose seems like a confident young lady and good student, and I think you have her in the perfect place for a little unsettling interaction with Scorpius.
Now, about Scorpius… She thought he would know better than to put a Weasley with a Malfoy. Their families were enemies, for Merlin’s sake! - I’d advise you to be very, very careful about the “enemies” part, there. Yes, we can judge from Ron’s word at in the DH epilogue that the families aren’t exactly best buddies, but other than in a joking manner, I don’t think any of the grown-ups would be hostile. So, while I completely agree that the Weasleys wouldn’t be on the best terms with Scorpius and his mates at Hogwarts (there’s always House rivalry, if nothing else), I’m not sure that Rose would say that their “families” are enemies – this seems to imply that the grown-ups also are, especially since Scorpius has no siblings.
Yes, let’s talk more about Scorpius! When I read your story, I realise what an immensely interesting character he can be. Somehow I get the feeling of reversed roles here – before, Draco was always confident, the one who always had someone behind him, while Harry was more of a loner, even with Ron and Hermione. In this fic, his niece is the confident one, with a big family and may friends to back her up, while Draco’s son might be the loner. Might be – depending on what you’re going to make of him, which I’m very interested in!
Scorpius looked a lot like his father with his blonde hair and grey eyes, but his face was less pointed than Draco’s, and his hair looked a lot more lived in. It spiked out all over the place, unlike his father’s. Also, despite the seemingly permanent smirk, he seemed friendlier.
Rose took this all back the next second though as he looked up at her. - At first I wasn’t going to comment on this, but when I saw the “Rose took this all back” part, I felt that I should. You frequently compare the “new” characters to the ones we know – their parents. This makes a lot of sense to do in a narrator’s voice, as all of your readers know who you’re talking about, but I very much doubt that Rose would be comparing Scorpius to his father, at least not to this extent, which it sounds like she is here. Just something to think about. :)
‘Scorpius, I don’t know how you can stand to be near her,’ she began. They both ignored her, so she persisted. ‘I mean, she’s such a filthy little blood traitor, and a Weasley, of all things.’ - Ah, here I am with my “be careful”-finger, again. I don’t think that the Weasleys would be overly popular among the pure-bloods, but I also think that with their triumphs in the war, people might not show their dislike so clearly. At the very least, I think that Selina should have whispered or hissed her opinions, so that Slughorn was sure not to hear. He might be the Head of Slytherin (?), but I still think that he’d be likely to dock some points if someone was rude to one of his Slug Club members.
And, aha! In my notes, I have now arrived at the book that your chapter title refers to! And again I am torn; it is truly a lovely book, one that most of your readers will know and therefore you can use it in your writing. But on the other hand, using it seems a bit unoriginal. Perhaps I feel that way because I’ve read other fanfic where that very novel played a vital part, or maybe it’s because of the Jane Austen hype that we’ve had over the past few years. I know that you have two more chapters submitted, so obviously I’m not saying that you should change the book – but maybe it’s something to think about for future fics of yours? It’s a difficult balance, trying to work with things that your readers will recognise and relate to, but without writing something that they’ve seen before.
Bloody Scorpius and his stupid reading habits. - And so we reach the end of the chapter! You’ve managed to round it off very nicely, and I love how Rose seems to tell herself that the only thing that concerns her about Scorpius is his reading habits. This truly is a very interesting ship, with all the history of their parents and differences in family situations. I will definitely return to read the following chapters, though I promise that my reviews won’t be so exhaustingly long. ;) Good job, Jennifer!
Author's Response: I read this review ages ago, and thought I responded to it. >.< Obviously not.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnyway, thank you for all your lovely comments and constructive criticism. You’re right, this fic wasn’t as well thought out as Love Is Just Hate With A Smile; I wrote it on a whim one day and it evolved. :] I think that’s why there are so many clichés and things that could have been thought through more, like you pointed out. But I’m glad you like it. :] Thanks again, Anna!
Of Stilettos and Sporks by Sainyn Swiftfoot
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Rich, beautiful, and effective-- three words that describe Miss Zabini perfectly.
Or at least, that's what she'd tell you!
In her defence, she has planned hundreds of parties and dinners professionally, and they've all gone off without a hitch.
That is, until she had to plan that fateful Ministry dinner!
Date: 07/18/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One (and only, but that's a different issue)
Hello there, SPEW buddy! How about a review?
I don’t venture into the Humour category very often, so I’m not aware of any particular codes of writing that might apply to the genre. There are some things I would like to discuss, and I will approach them in the same manner I would with any story.
The first thing I noticed when I began to read your one-shot was a couple of errors in the chapter note. To me, as both a writer and a reader, it’s important that the whole story is flawless, including summary, story and chapter notes. We rarely run these short texts past a beta, so therefore it’s extra important to give them a good read-through yourself before posting.
I see that you’ve chosen to tell your story from a first person perspective, and I’m curious about why. Typically, an author would use first person to present circumstances from a certain viewpoint, thus filtering the events through someone’s private opinions in a way that shapes both the story and the character in question. In this fic, I don’t connect with the storyteller at all. Is he or she merely a disembodied narrator? Another worker under Mrs Zabini’s command? A Ministry official? You express some opinions of this voice, but not enough to build a character on.
I’m not entirely convinced by your characterisation of Mrs Zabini. Yes, I do realise that this is a humour fic and therefore people may appear out of character without outright justification. Canon doesn’t give us a lot to go to when it comes to this particular person, but I always thought there was something mysterious about her, that she would appear quiet and very intimidating, looking like someone who might just have killed her seven husbands. Also, people tend to resemble their parents somewhat, and I have a hard time seeing your version of Mrs Zabini as the mother of canon Blaise. A name from the books is usually helpful for keeping your story connected with HP verse, but in this case I think you would have been better off with using an OC or a canon character known for theatrics and temper tantrums. In my opinion, writing a person out of character should always be done with great care and purpose.
You make a couple of references to Muggle culture in this story – the Twilight Saga and the Razzie Awards – both of which come across as somewhat strange. Why would Mrs Zabini, a pure-blood witch, know of Muggle literature? And when the narrator mentions the Raspberry Award, I’m even more confused about who the person actually is – Muggle or Wizard? Again, I understand that maybe the humorous genre typically makes allowances for things like this, but I found it much funnier and cleverer when you used the Celestina Warbeck reference.
For me, the best part of this story is the absolute confusion you manage to create. There isn’t a lot of description to go by, but I still get a good mental image of the general panic and the characters’ emotions. Your writing is very quickly paced and the paragraphs seem to be all over the place, creating a convincing and amusing chaos.
For future humour stories, I would suggest that you use the same rapid and chaotic writing style, only anchored with a more elaborate plot and realistic characterisation. This was written with a great enthusiasm that I hope I will always come across in your fics. Thanks for sharing your story!
The Crumple-Horned Snorkack by OHara
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Two months after the Battle of Hogwarts, Luna goes hunting for the Crumple-Horned Snorkack and discovers something unexpected in the process.
Very short one-shot.
Date: 05/10/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Crumple-Horned Snorkack
This story definitely needs a review!
Being Swedish myself, I’m always interested in stories where Luna ventures to my country to look for the Crumple-Horned Snorkack. I’ve read a few, but this is by far the most interesting.
You guide your readers straight into the story without unnecessary introduction, and I really like this. We already know the characters so there’s no need for you to further introduce them. Instead, you establish details that were only hinted at in the books, like Luna being a bit of a caretaker to her eccentric father, and the mutual affection between parent and child.
I see that you’ve underlined the title of the book Xenophilius is reading. Perhaps you have some specific reason for this, but otherwise it’s more common and excepted to italicise book titles.
I love the little insane details you’ve added, like how classical music and burning herbs are supposed to attract the Snorkack – it’s perfect for the Lovegoods and could be taken straight from canon. You also include elements that JKR wrote, which gives the story an even more authentic appearance.
One thing I must correct, though. You say in the story that the time is about five-thirty and the sun is about to set. Two months after the Battle of Hogwarts would make this early July, which is the lightest period in Sweden. The sun might set around 9-10 pm in the southernmost parts then, and not at all if you’re in the far North. :) I live in the middle of the country, and it never really gets dark here during summer nights. The sun sets at maybe 10 pm, and then it’s dusk-like until about 3 am when it rises again.
He would come, attracted by the smells and sounds and he would make everything all right somehow.
This is beautiful, and it gives me an amazing insight to Luna’s character. I’ve always liked her and been amused by her unusual theories, but I’ve never stopped to wonder why she believes in these odd things. Why do people believe? It makes perfect sense that Luna is looking for the extraordinary for some reason, and here you give your readers a very viable one.
It makes me very sad when Luna loses her faith; it sort of turns my world upside-down because I never expected this to happen to her of all people. In a way, Luna is faith and innocence personified. I rage a little inside when I read – because your writing is good, it provokes me – what gives you the right to break this character?! But then you turn the whole thing around and deliver a wonderful resolution:
This thought stopped the flow of tears and gave Luna an oddly pleased feeling. Being grown-up was not necessarily a bad thing, just a hard thing.
She dried her tears on the sleeve of her sweatshirt and smiled to herself. There were good things coming and good things going and she just had to accept that.
This reasoning is just a hundred percent Luna, and it makes me smile. We already know that she’s capable of dealing with tragedies, judging from how she talked to Harry about her mother in Order of the Phoenix. You’ve developed this trait of Luna’s with skill and care and the result is brilliant.
The only piece of criticism I have to offer is that I think this fic deserves a better title. It’s a deep story and I think it would attract more readers (hopefully ones inclined to review!) if the title somehow hinted at this.
Thank you for a very nice read!
Author's Response: Oh my gosh, thank you for such a nice review!
I'm afraid that the last time I was in Sweden was when I was about five, so I'd forgotten the sunset inconsistency, something that I'll try to fix!
And you know, I had misgivings about the title, too, but nothing better came to me and now I can't really change it.
You have just made my day! Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a nice and thoughtful review!
Bulldog by DeadManSeven
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: A train ride that never was. A shuffled narrative. The words that pass between people, unsaid.
Date: 05/09/09 Title: Chapter 1: Bulldog
I’m very surprised to see that this story hasn’t been reviewed yet, but I thought I’d share my thoughts with you.
To begin with, I’d like to compliment you on how expertly you write Hermione’s perspective. I appreciate that you don’t simply jump into it, but that you take some time to ease your readers into seeing the scene through Hermione’s eyes by talking about her relationship with her parents. Her concern for Harry, her feelings towards Ron and Viktor Krum, and her perceptiveness are written here exactly like I picture them in my mind while reading the actual books.
I was amused as well as touched by the first bit of dialogue between Hermione and Ron; there is such a subtle tenderness in the exchange. You also write a lovely, bright Ron instead of the brainless version that so many fanfic authors are prone to producing.
As if the story wasn’t already alive and sparkling with the extreme presence of your characters, the little details you add make it even more so. The puzzle prototype Ron is fiddling with is a lovely touch that might well have been straight from the books, as is the discussion about Luna’s chocolate frog.
I must admit to being confused and curious about the title of your story. The only Harry Potter-related bulldog references I can recall are ones including Aunt Marge’s dogs, but somehow I don’t think that’s what you’re talking about here.
The “other pairing” that puts your story into its category is subtle indeed, but perfect. It makes sense that you would show us from Hermione’s point of view, as she would likely be the first one to notice.
I probably don’t have to tell you (but I will anyway) that your language is superb with variety and flow, and that I didn’t come across a single spelling or grammar error while reading. I’m sorry to say that I have no helpful criticism to offer, because this was simply a very, very enjoyable read. Thank you!
Author's Response:
I find Hermione very easy to write for, even if her thoughts tend to... wander a little. I always got the feeling she thought more than she said (which is a trait Harry isn't blessed with, in the series), and it's easy for her train of thought to just grow and grow if there's nothing else to focus on.
Ron is yang to Hermione's yin in every way - they're opposites in many ways but (and this is possibly the part that gets forgotten a lot) they become better together than apart.
Mostly I try to put in the details of things I find interesting - I don't believe an author has to describe everything in meticulous details to paint a scene properly; just bring up what will hold focus and let the readers' imagination fill in whatever's left.
The title is more of an abstract thing than any references to actual bulldogs. It does have a meaning, just that that meaning isn't overly important.
Subtle is really just the best word for describing this relationship - it's easy to miss, but if you apply some scrutiny (like Hermione does) then you should be able to see it. At least, that's what I'm trying to show here.
I'm glad you liked this chapter.
To Be Remembered by Luna_Lover
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: In a world still recovering from the horrors of the Second War, three students will compete for eternal glory of their own. One cheerful metamorphmagus, overshadowed by the heroes of his past. One proud young woman, battling against the prejudices of the present. One hopeful young man, reaching toward the dreams of his future. Three schools, three champions; one unforgettable tournament. After all, who doesn’t want to be remembered? I am LilyLunaPotter of Hufflepuff submitting for the Second Task of the Mugglenet Triwizard Tournament.
Date: 05/09/09 Title: Chapter 1: To Be Remembered
Hello there, Luna_Lover.
I’m seeing a lot of challenge responses around, but yours caught my eye because of the pretty title. But it’s not just pretty; it’s also very fitting because it corresponds so well to the main theme of your story.
I like that you’ve chosen a canon name for your main character, but did you know that she was in the same year as Harry, Ron and Hermione? Perhaps it would have added some extra spice if you had somehow included that fact when Lisa reminisced about the Triwizard Tournament that Harry participated in. But you make her interesting from the first section; we haven’t seen many wizard journalists devoted to reporting the absolute truth in the Harry Potter series, so that’s refreshing.
You devote a good deal of words to description, and I think you do this well. I get very clear mental pictures of the places you describe.
I see that this story is completed? I found your writing style to be a bit hurried and thought this was because you were attempting to squeeze all three tasks into a single one-shot, but if you’re only going to cover one of the tasks I would suggest a slower pace so that we can get closer to your characters. Perhaps you could try to cut out some less relevant parts, and add some more thought to the important ones. Lisa talks a lot about what is happening around her, but she doesn’t reflect much on it and we don’t get to know how she feels about it. For example, when she was informed about her sleeping arrangements, how did it make her feel? Was she grateful for their thoughtfulness?
It’s very interesting that you chose the Knight Bus for the Hogwarts students to arrive in. On the one hand, it makes sense and I like when writers use available canon material for their fanfics. But on the other hand, the Hogwarts people wouldn’t be able to keep the Knight Bus and live in, like the Beuxbatons and Durmstrang students did in their transportation devices in Goblet of Fire. Perhaps if you added a note about the guest students residing within the Durmstrang castle, it would make more sense.
“Ms. Fuerst, I’m Lisa Turpin, a reporter from the British Daily Prophet. Might I have a word?”
If I’m not mistaken, ”Ms” is how you address a grown-up woman if you’re unsure of whether she’s married or not. Seeing as Sonia’s still at school, I would’ve thought it was natural for Lisa to assume she was a “Miss”.
You write the first task very creatively, but at the same time I can’t help but relate to the final task in the Goblet of Fire tournament. The first two tasks in the book were more straightforward and very clearly a single task – the one you write is more complicated and something I would’ve expected for a final task rather than a first.
I pursed my lips. “Hardly a heroic battle story, Mr. DeLee,” I said reproachfully. “Perhaps on the second task.”
I found this line very amusing and it’s a good piece of characterisation for your Lisa Turpin.
I was a little surprised to see a random Durmstrang girl on Teddy’s arm during the Yule Ball and I’m wondering if there was a specific reason you chose to leave out Victoire Weasley? (Admittedly, I haven’t done the math – maybe she was too young to go?) I thought that might’ve been an interesting detail to add, seeing as Victoire’s mother competed in the tournament along with Teddy’s godfather.
The ending came a bit abruptly for me, as I was expecting the rest of the tournament. But what you’ve written is good; as a reader, I thought DeLee would say something about being remembered like the other main characters did, but you surprise me by letting him talk about something much more important. Well done!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful and very helpful review! This was my first time writing a one-shot for a challenge, which is probably why it has the hurried tone. I had a 3000 word limit, and my entry clocks in at 2998. I think you're right that I should have included less material and gone into more detail with it; I could have handled that better and I'll keep it in mind for the next challenge.
I'm glad you liked the description. Writing from a reporter's perspective, I thought it important to include description, and a good opportunity to practice, since I usually don't include enough description in my writing.
I regret now making the story completed, since I don't think there's a way to un-complete a story, is there? I'll have to look into that. I did have some ideas for the other two tasks and actually originally planned on making the task shown here the third task. I didn't want to make it too similar to the tournament in GoF, but I wanted to utilize the extensive Durmstrang grounds that Krum mentions in GoF. I do think that Victoire would have been too young to go to the tournament, although I haven't done the math either, but I thought it made sense for him to go with a Durmstrang girl, in light of the fact that every champion in GoF went with a Hogwarts student.
Although it is complete, once the challenge has been judged I may go back and expand this into a longer one-shot. Thank you so much for your input!
~LiLu
Forever Broken by MrsMarielleLupin
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Gwendolyn McDowell's life has changed at the early age of ten when she witnesses her father's death. Now, a month later, she seems to be losing even more; her brother is leaving on his own, she has to live with her Muggle mother and Muggle relatives, and now the connection to the world she loves has been severed until she is old enough to attend Hogwarts. She feels alone and helpless, and as her life progresses, she realizes that she knows nothing about the limits of her own abilities.
Date: 05/10/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Vision
Hello there, Marielle!
What an intriguing first chapter you have here. It’s got just the right amount of information to make your readers interested in the story and curious about what is going to happen next.
You write with a lot of enthusiasm and it gives your words a nice, natural flow. I didn’t come across any spelling or grammar errors, but there were some other mistakes where I suspect your imagination was just working too fast for your fingers to keep up with writing! Below are some things that I noticed that you might want to take a look at.
The first three paragraphs all begin with your main character’s name, so perhaps you want to think about changing that to give your story more variation. It’s always good to give your story a once-over for layout when it’s finished, to see if you’ve made unnecessary repetitions in the text.
Gwendolyn was very please with herself when she had been left alone in her father's office once and upon his return he could not find her.
When I first read your story I just noticed that there was a ‘d’ missing in ‘pleased with herself’, but now I see that you might want to take a look at the whole sentence structure. Due to the word order, it looks like Gwendolyn is pleased with herself for being left alone – which wasn’t of her doing, so she might be pleased about it, but not with herself. After reading the sentence a few times, I realise that Gwendolyn is pleased with herself for hiding so well that her father couldn’t find her at first. Perhaps the sentence could be written something like this: Once, Gwendolyn was left alone in her father’s office and she was very pleased with herself when he, upon his return, could not find her.
I’m confused about whether Gwendolyn’s father’s name is ‘Micheal’ or ‘Michael’? You’ve written both in the story, so you might want to do a search and replace the wrong name.
"That's not a tone you should be having with me," Abraxas tutted as he shoved his wand deeper into Michael’s throat.
I think the expression should be, ‘a tone you should be taking’. I like that you’ve used Abraxas as your villain because a canon face among original characters helps connect your story to the actual Harry Potter books. But at the same time I’m wondering if Abraxas would simply walk into someone’s house and murder them? Perhaps if this was during the war and he was a Death Eater, but otherwise I think he would be concerned with keeping his name unblemished and that he would be more likely to send some thug to do the job for him.
Gwendolyn’s only connection after the death of her father was her brother, and now he was leaving her to travel around the world.
Because I read the whole chapter, I understand what connection you’re referring to here, but you need to clarify it in the sentence as well. I would suggest rewriting the first part of the sentence like this: After the death of her father, Gwendolyn’s only connection to the wizarding world was her brother,
I like that you include the Thestrals, and I hope that you’re going to mention them again when Gwendolyn arrives at Hogwarts – which I assume she will.
As she passed began to open one of the many boxes, she found inside the broken music box her father had given her that night of her birthday… the night of his death.
This sentence wants another look, too. You write, ‘As she passed’, but what did she pass? Also, you need a ‘she’ before ‘began’. If you want to rewrite the sentence, you could change it into something like: As she passed the many boxes, she paused to open one of them. Inside, she found the broken music box etc.
But speaking of the music box, I think that’s a wonderful detail, and I hope it will play a big part in your story. Perhaps she’ll meet a person who likes to fix things, and he/she will be able to mend it for her? Or maybe it will magically repair itself and somehow be a connection to her father? So many possibilities in such a small object!
As I already mentioned, I really like your style and I can tell from it that you love to write. I can’t see a beta reader mentioned in your author’s note; have you considered getting one? A good beta will catch those little mistakes and make sure that your chapter is perfect before you submit it to the MNFF queue, and they often help inspire the author by making little suggestions.
Good luck with the rest of your story!
Author's Response: Thank-you so much for catching those little things! Like you said, my mind works a little too fast for my hands. I have tried to get a beta, but it's been difficult. I don't know exactly why. Maybe people have been too busy since it's the end of the school year, summer is so close, final exams, etc.
I am so glad that you liked my chapter, I have been working on this for quite some time and I can't believe I missed such fundamental things! I will review it once more, a little more carefully, and correct anything that needs it.
And yes, I have some ideas on how to make the music box a big part of her life, even though for most of it it remains broken.
You are an excellent proofreader, and if you are not already a beta, I suggest you become one. If you are a beta, I would like to extend an offer for you to be mine.
To be frank, I was taken off guard by the length of your review, but I'm so appreciative of your input.
Thank-you again.