Anna! *hugs* I still owe you a review from when we were SPEW buddies back in November. I know that was ages ago, but better late than never, right? I read this story for the first time on LJ sometime this summer but never got around to reviewing it. I loved “Oh, Johnny” in Narnia and was really disappointed that it wasn’t on the soundtrack, but after reading your story I just had to listen to it again. So I googled it and found a website where you could listen to it but not download it. I listened to the song for two days straight, all because of your wonderful story. Sadly I didn’t save the link anywhere and can’t find it anymore.

I absolutely love this story. It’s marvellous, my dear. I love historical fictions, but most of the fan fictions I’ve read or skimmed in this category didn’t really make the time they were set in come to life for me. This story though made the 1920s seem so vivid and every little detail seemed to fit. I don’t know too much about this particular period, but the atmosphere of your story seemed fitting.

Your characters, too, are completely adorable. Mrs Weasley is hilarious in her shocked and later scandalised state. Charles was fun, too. I love how you also included one of Trelawney’s ancestors and let her make a prophecy about John that would come true only in a later generation of Weasleys and thus connected Arthur more strongly to John, very nice. I also found it amusing that the Weasleys are a family of Muggle-haters and John would be the first Weasley to be interested in Muggles, and one Muggle singer in particular. I can just see his branch of the family being more and more interested in Muggles, until finally Arthur comes along who is nearly obsessed with anything Muggle.

Now John and Elsie, they are perfect in every sense of the word. I love how John is so sure of himself and confident with Ben and his family, but then doesn’t know what to say or do when faced with Elsie. I love her boldness, too. It’s such a sharp contrast to Mrs Weasley that it makes sense that John would be drawn to her just because she is so different from his mother and from what his mother would deem a respectable woman. Once or twice you spelled her first name ‘Elise’ and not Elsie. Once when she introduces herself on stage, and a second time a bit later, but I can’t remember exactly where.

As I said, what a marvellous story, Anna love. You are truly gifted and I have to give your compliment right back, the way you write in English even though it’s not your first language is nothing short of spectacular! *loves*

Hanna, you wrote a brilliant story here. Romilda was one of those characters that I just love to hate at first, vain and utterly spoiled, but by the end of the story I felt bad for thinking that about her. It’s true, of course, but after what happened to her I really can’t hate her anymore. The reaction of her grandfather, his guilt and the fact that he suddenly thinks she is precious when before he didn’t like her at all reflects exactly what I felt in this moment, so I could relate to him very well.

Mary was a lot like Romilda in that I thought she was incredibly vain, but still felt sorry for her when she found out that Daniel would be marrying her best friend. Both Mary’s and Romilda’s stories were very sad and for all their differences alike in a way. Romilda might not have harmed herself like Mary did, but her behaviour towards her family (and I’m guessing towards everyone else) was just insufferable and sooner or later something would have happened to her because of it, if she didn’t change.

Archibald looked down at his granddaughter. What had he done to her? Why did he have to tell that story? He always knew what would happen, her having Daniel’s blood. It had happened. Does this mean this happened before? Who was attacked and why didn’t Romilda’s mother know about it? I don’t think she would have let her father tell this particular story if she had known her daughter could get attacked. Or is it just that he suspected she would be attacked, but there has been no actual attack on a member of the family before?

Even though she was only ten, already knew her mother was old-fashioned. I would repeat the pronoun ‘she’ after the comma, because there needs to be a subject in the main clause, I think.

“Well,” he exhaled, “that was the best I could some up with.” I believe you meant to write ‘come’ here.

I liked this story a lot, and even though it’s summer and birds are singing outside my window and it’s a lovely day, your story made me shudder and I felt the cold creeping down my spine. You probably won’t believe it but I actually jumped when a dog started barking outside just now…


Author's Response: Thanks so much for your lovely review, Ilka! :]

I like this look at Ancient Egyptian wizards very much. I love how you took the Egyptian Lullaby and constructed a whole story around it. The atmosphere was tightly woven and I felt the Ancient Egyptian setting come to life, not because you described the places Panya goes a lot, but because of little details like the sand covered streets.

I also loved the little connections with the HP-verse you wove into your story, the dagger being some kind of wand, the cloak being an early, primitive invisibility cloak and Panya being a Parselmouth. Very very nice.

A few nit-picks:

“Tension in the air, he hissed. “Tonight we hunt?” you forgot to put quotation marks at the end of the first part of Asim’s speech here.

She would have to be careful, for many sons of the Pharaoh lived here, and had she had no wish to cause trouble for any of the faithful. The word I bolded shouldn’t be in this sentence at all, you only need to put had once here and the one after ‘she’ is placed correctly, the other isn’t.

His accusations rung in her ears, but she just fulfilled the will gods. This would have to be either ‘the will of the gods’ or ‘the gods’ will’, the way you have it now is confusing and hinders the flow of the sentence.

The Temples have split into two alliances: one with the Pharaoh, the other with his some of his sons. Again, the word I bolded is superfluous and should be deleted.

Another thing I noticed is that you took your story’s conflict straight from the class’s discussion, where we tried to come up with a theory on relations between wizards and Muggles in Ancient Egypt. I like how you took what some of us said, that they lived side by side, interwove that with some other’s opinion of wizards still being special and not everybody being a wizard and then had your story end with Panya, Asim and Rashidi leaving the Muggle world behind and living on their own apart from the Muggles. Lovely story, my dear!


Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I don\'t if it\'s clear, but I wrote the Egyptian Lullaby to summarize what a Daughter of Buto is so I didn\'t have to spend have my story explaining it. I had alot of fun with it. I\'m gald the connections came through. Egyptian society wouldn\'t be the same, but I still wanted the reader to see the connections to the HP world. I got the idea for tunic from \"Fanastic Beasts...\" I was flipping through the book and searching for any beast that said Africa (the wand core was from that book too). Got to hand to the whole class for such a great discussion that gave me plently of ideas to choose from. Finally, thanks for nit-picking. I will go make the changes now. Thanks again.

Suzie, I just read this whole story out loud. I never do that, but the words of this one begged to be spoken out loud. It’s the perfect piece of writing for reading out loud. Your language is truly beautiful and just flowed so well. It sounds very poetic at times.

If it weren’t for the spells every now and then, I believe I would have forgotten that Fabian and Gideon are in the middle of a fight. The point of view, too, made me forget who you were talking about at times, because the thoughts could belong to anyone fighting on the light side, in my opinion, and that made it even more powerful.

Fear. Some know it — some meet it everyday. Some sense it, lingering in the air like a crowd of swirling, sinking dust motes, and each time a particle grazes the ground , an impatient wind sweeps them up again, afraid that they might fall, perhaps, and never wake; afraid that there is nothing after stillness, except stillness and nothingness themselves. Afraid of what may never happen (the unknown) - death, so they run. Silence and motion — ever a circle.

This opening paragraph was simply gorgeous. This lingering fear is a hard thing to describe, but the image of the dust motes fit the feeling perfectly. You can’t see these tiny dust particles usually, only when the light falls on them in a particular way, but they’re still in the air. You can’t see fear either, of course you can’t, but sometimes when I walk down a darkened street at night, I can just feel it, lingering on a stretch of road and then a few hundred meters further down the street the feeling is gone, or at least not as pronounced. The imagery here and the last sentence of the opening paragraph especially, really intrigued me and drew me into the story. They also set the tone for the story, how it’s more about feelings and thoughts than actions.

We understand that it may be for a greater good if we were ever to perish in battle; it may be for the greater good if our deaths could help save the wizarding world. I went back and looked at the date you submitted this story and it was way before DH came out. I love how you use the words ‘for the greater good’ here, before we have ever heard them in connection with Grindelwald and Dumbledore, and how they mean something completely different and yet the same thing. Both instances talk about lives that have to be sacrificed, but in DH these sacrifices are no more than collateral damage, while the Prewett brothers sacrifice their own lives willingly for what they believe in.

I’m glad Steph suggested turning the drabble into a one-shot, because otherwise I would have never read it and missed out on a truly moving and all-around fabulous piece of writing.

~Ilka

Sarah, you’ve got a truly lovely story here. Pat can be honoured to have gotten a birthday gift like that!

She knows she should have expected it. Everyone else had lost someone; whether it was a close friend or just a distant acquaintance does not matter. She could not put reason to it, but somehow she had simply thought that it couldn’t touch her. Oh isn’t that what everyone thinks? Very well done including that in her thoughts, I couldn’t really relate to Lavender before, but that’s one thought I’m very familiar with and it kind of built a connection between me and Lavender and let me feel for her.

For in her mind, if she does not enter the house, it is not real. Yes, another one of these thoughts most people are familiar with. I think it’s very important that you put these thoughts in there to make people relate to your character. I hope there are only very few people who have ever had to deal with a loved one being murdered, so it’s a situation that is hard to grasp for many, myself included, and I find these thoughts that I myself have had very good to relate to the character and get around the unfamiliar situation.

So, goodbye, Lavender, I’m glad to see you’ve survived it all. This sounds as if the war is already over and made me pause for a moment, because from what Lavender thought before I got the impression that it was still raging. But it’s not too distracting and what stood out most about this line is how such a simple statement can make a truly big impact on someone. I don’t think condolences or a pep-talk would have given her back her resolve, but these simple words did, very well done.

What I have to say though is that Harry telling her he would want to talk if he didn’t have something else to do seemed slightly odd. Harry and Lavender have never been close or talked much as far as I know. I think it’s perfectly fine for him to say hello and be glad that she survived, but I just can’t see him sitting down to catch up with Lavender Brown, there doesn’t seem to be enough of a relationship between the two for that to happen.

After all, hours spent in the cold often helps one get used to it. You don’t need the ‘s’ at the end of ‘helps’ here, your subject ‘hours’ is plural, so the verb should be as well.

Because of course the stars keep shining even through the dark. I think there should be commas around ‘of course’ to make the sentence less rushed and have a greater effect.

Overall a lovely story, Sarah, I enjoyed reading it a lot.


Author's Response: Thank you! I think he did like it, hee! I\'m pleased to hear that you could relate to Lavender, particularly around such a difficult topic - when I was writing it, these expressions seemed natural, so I\'m glad that worked for you. It may be a bit of a bad sign that I had to go back an read it to be sure of this [!], but it was intended to be written about when the war had finished. And I agree that a big long chat wasn\'t needed at all; and although I had planned the exchange to be a little longer originally, this just felt right in the end. The reason I give for Harry wanting to talk is simply that he would be glad of someone to remind him of how simple life used to be - in my mind, you see, Ron and Hermione are dead, so Harry has to clutch onto whatever memories he can. I\'ve made the improvemnets you suggested - thanks for those. All in all, thank you so much for this lovely review, and I\'m really glad you liked the story!

Lovely second chapter! Draco is still perfectly characterised. His annoyance with Blenk is very well done and, really, why should he open up to a strange man like that when in HBP he didn’t talk to anyone either (Myrtle doesn’t count, because she’s a ghost and couldn’t really help). I see Draco as a very private person and can see him acting just like you portrayed.

One thing I found odd though was that he hardly had the strength to stand up and knock on the door to the Green Dragon, but then he can follow Blenk inside and is seemingly fine until they climb the stairs, where he also only has minor problems. Judging from the first chapter his injuries seemed much graver and I would have expected him to need help up the stairs, even though he wouldn’t have wanted it.

On the other side he could hear Blenk ‘hmm-ing’ to himself, his footsteps dwindling away as he quietly spoke to himself, murmuring, “Impatient, no nonsense, temper…” as though he were memorizing a list. Oh my. *giggles* I’m totally loving Blenk and his analysis of Draco’s character. I can see why he would be someone Draco would hate/be annoyed by, but I think he’s incredibly funny trying to get a feel for who Draco is and what brought him to his doorstep. He reminds me of Dumbledore in a way with his seemingly random comments and questions that he should already know the answers to, especially when he asks Draco if he’s alright, why he is there and why he had to get away from his father at breakfast the next morning.

One tiny nitpick: Draco was out on his own, one of his once-in-a-blue-moon outings from Malfoy Manner. I think you meant ‘Malfoy Manor’ here.

I’m not a fan of Draco/Hermione, I actually can’t see them working out and have never read a story about them, but from your last few paragraphs I’m guessing there will be a bit D/Hr in the final chapter. I’m curious to see how you will make them work.


Author's Response: Not a fan of Dramione, you say! *huggles Dramione* [/pushes Alesha towards my other fics] Haha, kidding.

I really enjoyed writing the exchanges between Blenk and Draco. I love writing/reading witty!Draco. My beta and I also tried to make sure we were in depth with Blenk, trying to make him feel like a normal character who had been there all along. Thank you again for this fantastic review and for catching my mistakes.

First off I wanted to say that I love The Picture of Dorian Gray, but that I’m also very glad that there are only some parallels in your story and that the two are not too similar. In fact while I read your story another aspect stood out to me much more than the whole Portrait-thing, well, it is connected with the portrait but is more about what Mark thinks and feels while he paints it.

When he sees Merda he comes in contact with a whole new race and culture, one he knows hardly anything about, but what does he do when he returns? He tries to make her look more familiar, like a witch, so he gives her legs etc. I think that is typical of a lot of people, we see something knew, something we don’t understand and we don’t even try to understand, we try to mould it to fit our culture and our perception of things and we’re satisfied with what we have done. Mark, too, is satisfied with his painting until it changes and shows the mermaid the way she was when he encountered her under water and all of a sudden he sees the exotic beauty this image holds, even before he encountered the mermaid again after she turned human. I have no idea if you intended this issue to be an important part of your story or not, but it is the thing I most remembered after reading and it made me think about how I myself have done the same thing, seen Turkish women wearing Muslim headscarves on the streets and compared them to what I consider normal. The very first reaction I always have is that it’s different, not that it might just be a different kind of beauty or style, but that it’s not normal. It makes me really sad to admit that because I do consider myself relatively open to new cultures, but in a way none of us are and Mark’s painting raised that issue with a lot of subtlety. I loved that aspect of the story.

Your descriptions and generally the language you used were also superb. Your word choice and sentence structure have a very magical quality about them and I can actually see pictures in my head when I read your story (and that usually doesn’t happen to me). Both Merda’s underwater world and the Ravenclaw common room and dormitories come to life through your words, but most of all Mark and Merda are incredibly real and vivid characters. The way you alternate between Merda’s and Mark’s worlds was also very well done.

At last, the water's surface smoothed out its ripples, and reformed into the very-solid border between two unbridgeable worlds. This line gives Merda’s storyline a perfect ending and because the water’s surface, which we know can be broken quite easily, acts as a barrier here it just shows how the merpeople and the wizards made the barrier themselves, in their mind, because physically, nothing stops the wizards from immersing themselves in the world of the merpeople and to build bridges between the two worlds. This line is one of my favourites in the entire story.

He would never paint again. The last line of Mark’s story line is also very well done as it leaves it open what will happen to his thirst for knowledge. Will it be changed by his encounter with Merda or will he keep up his intensive studies and quest for knowledge? Another one of my favourite lines in your story.

I ought to thank you for taking me on this wondrous journey with your story. Lately a lot of Harry Potter fanfictions have lost their magic for me, but your story shrouded the HP world in mystery and magic once more and made me long to read more fanfictions. So thank you for writing such a brilliant story


Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! You know, I think that\'s an amazing reading of the story, and I wish I could take credit for consciously putting all those themes in there. :P But seriously, I think your take on the story meshes very well with many themes in the series - concerning tolerance and even appreciation for the differences that should, rather than separate us, unite us. Anyway, I\'m super-excited that you liked my story, and thanks so much for the amazing review!! <3

Nan, your writing is so very beautiful and captivating. It stands out among other pieces of writing because it has this poetic quality. Your story is very smooth and the sentences just flow together to make a whole. You said in your author’s note that you edited the story and that there would be a combination of writing styles, but I don’t see that at all, I couldn’t point at one paragraph and say it was edited or not, because everything seems like it belongs and if there are indeed different writing styles, they compliment each other and don’t work against each other.

The way you wrote this story, not really in Alice’s head, but not quite in Neville’s either, was very moving. For me it captured how Neville must be feeling while he is visiting his parents perfectly, somewhat awkward, but still full of love for these two people who he will never be able to really talk to. Being there must be hard for him, but I also couldn’t imagine him not wanting to go anymore. I love that he brings her violets every time he visits. They’re the only flower she didn’t give him in the book she made for him, so in a way he gives her the one thing she didn’t have enough time to give him. They are not just flowers, but show that Neville has kind of taken over his mothers role, now she is the one being taken care of and he takes care of her and brings her the flowers, if that makes sense.

I really love how Neville’s mother had this garden and dried these flowers for her son. It’s like his passion for Herbology comes from her passion for her garden and the flowers in it. Even though Neville was essentially brought up by his grandmother and was to young to remember much of anything about his parents before they were tortured by the Lestranges, the flowers are a tangible connection between Neville and his mum. Spending time in the greenhouses at Hogwarts must make Neville feel closer to his mother in a way, which would explain why he enjoys Herbology that much, it’s familiar and safe because he associates it with his mother back when she was a strong and intelligent witch.

I really really loved this story. The only bit of concrit that I can give is that I would have liked to see Frank Longbottom some more and not just in the photo, which doesn’t really say anything about it. Anyway, you wrote a wonderfully moving and powerful story that I enjoyed reading.

Roxy,

When I saw the link to this story in your signature, I just had to click on it. Wizarding fairytales? That’s an awesome idea and I can’t wait to see what twists you can come up with to make our fairytales more magical.

This prologue is awesome! Ron and Hermione are one of my favourite couples and you write them perfectly. I love how Hermione is already collecting books for her child even though it’s not born yet, and the items Ron took out of his trunk before he found his book, the tiny Quidditch shirts and the teddies, tied their preparations back to his childhood and gave the whole prologue a context and warmth. It’s nice to see them carefree and content like this. Ron’s enthusiasm and the complete chaos in his trunk were nice little hints at his character, and the story about his grandfather was heart-warming and showed what a loving family the Weasleys are.

Hermione was surprised that he hadn’t fallen in he was leaning over so much, she was beginning to wonder if the chest had been magically modified to fit so many things inside when a muffled voice called from inside.

This sentence is pretty long and a bit of a run-on. I would start a new sentence before ‘she was beginning to wonder’ and put a comma into the sentence before that after ‘fallen in’, that should take care of the run-on bit.

I love how you said and hinted at so much in such a short prologue, it’s lovely!

*hugs* Ilka

Another wonderful tale that is just as sweet as the last one. You are very talented in writing enchanting, child-friendly fairytales. I am deeply in love with this story. Using the Founders in this story and explaining how the Forbidden Forest came to be was quite the brilliant idea. Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor were very nicely portrayed.

What I loved most about this tale though were the descriptions of the forest, the tower and all the animals and plants surrounding it. They were beautifully enchanting and created a wonderful and magical atmosphere.

Then, as Gryffindor was about to give his gift when a loud Crack! shook the room. You only need either ‘as’ or ‘when’ in this sentence, not both of them.

“We’ll build her a tower in the grounds,” ‘In’ should be ‘on’ here.

“Sleeping Beauty,” he murmured to himself as her crouched beside her. This should be ‘he crouched beside her’.

I hope there will be more Wizarding fairytales soon, because they brightened my day considerably.

*hugs*