This is great! Ninnette reminds me of Meg Giry if she were to go to Hogwarts and her aunt of Madame Giry (only a little more strict). Ninnette seems so sad, but I feel bad for Tonks. She has never been my favorite character but you portrayed her well. I really like the way you use mirrors to link both of them, that is so cool. (even if they don't know it). Not to mention your title for the story is really cool, very symbolic. You've put a lot of thought into this, good job. ~Ashley

Author's Response: Erm . . . I have to admit that I've never seen Phantom of the Opera - in fact, I had to look up Meg Giry to see who she was. (She is from Phantom of the Opera, right? I'll feel stupid if she isn't!) Glad you like the mirrors and the title - I rather like them myself! Thanks!

Lian, you writing is entrancing. All the stories I’ve read of yours seem so real, so real it gives me chills. The way you understand character emotion, or just emotions and feelings in general is just amazing. This story is so moving, the ironic thing about it is that it’s heartbreaking yet I can’t cry, for Padma’s sake…or something like that.

You take a very serious issue and instead of presenting it to the reader the way we’ve seen it before. You show us what is like to watch it happen through the eyes of someone who falling apart. I am so thankful to have never had to witness something so awful as someone I love have an eating disorder. However I do know what it is like to be strong for the sake of someone else and in that way I can very much sympathize with Pavarti. I wish I could put it some other way but your grasp of human emotions is so good, and I love to read stories that delve deep into the “realness” of a character.

I think I also told you this on “Until the Dawn” but I don’t read minor characters a lot because they don’t interest me. J.K. Rowling never gave me anything about them to care about. You however come up with fantastic stories for these characters, rich pasts and real people behind the heroes of the story. It makes me appreciate them more in the actual canon. I’m actually looking forward to “Grey Lavender”, and I don’t even like Lavender. Your minor characters move me, Lian. The relationship between Pavarti and Padma that you have introduced us to is so intense, and you just don’t see that in the books. For lack of a better compliment, it’s really cool.

My last point is a compliment and perhaps a critique, however you want to take it. Your writing is really smart. I feel really sophisticated reading your stories. However, when you talk about the issue of anorexia here, I’m not sure that everyone will actually understand that it is what Pavarti is worried about. Not that you need to beat people over the head with it, please don’t, but if I were to change this story in any way I would allude to Padma’s problem more.

Another great story you have here, Lian. I really respect the talent you have with minor characters and human emotion. I will be reviewing chapter two soon.

Author's Response: I\'m sorry it\'s taken me so long to respond to this, Ashley. A lot of people comment on how interestng it is to see an eating disorder from this perspective of someone not suffering from it. Personally, I think you\'re all giving me too much credit. I wrote it this way because that\'s how I knew it –– from the outside.

I don\'t think the feelings of a person watching a friend suffering from an eating disorder are entirely unique; dependence is something which many more people are familiar with. Hopefully it helps make anorexia less inaccessible to my readers who aren\'t intimately acquainted with. *hugs*

Months later, Ashley returns to review the final chapter of the forbidden Severus/ Lily romance. Better late then never, right?

This chapter was a nice conclusion to their story and a good introduction to the story about Severus and Harry that Jo tells us. Many times I caught myself thinking, Oh that is why Severus acts that way. Or that’s why he is so good at Occlumency. Even though we don’t know for sure, your story seems good enough for me. I really liked all the ties you had into canon that made sense, or even some foreshadowing in essence to what will happen to Severus, Lily, and Harry. Which like I said is kind of strange because this isn’t really part of the story, but you made me believe it was.

You took a big risk with Severus in this story, letting him show some emotion that we never get to see from him in canon. So a part of me wants to scream out, “OOC!” however it’s not really true. The way you crafted the story, he becomes the way he is in canon because of the events included in this story so he was a very different person before that happened. Better than that, he was in love! It’s funny how a heart tries to heal. So I can’t really critique your character of Severus too much because we don’t know that much about young!Severus except for his hatred of James which you portrayed quite accurately, especially his feelings towards Harry.

Poor Lily, I really felt for her in the end. I know exactly why she made her decision even though it wasn’t the decision she wanted to make. Her struggle was well portrayed. What she said didn’t really make sense, because she didn’t really have a good reason to tell him “goodbye” but she knew she had to.

I thought the final scene with the poppies was beautiful, I almost cried, I got all teary-eyed. It takes a lot to get me to cry over a fanfiction I would like to add. I think it was very like Lily to give him a poppy and very like Severus to not accept it, but then give in because of his love for her and the hope that her fate wouldn’t be what he predicted. It was a sad ending yes, but we all knew it couldn’t last.

One typo:
If he wants Harry dead, then he will stop ant***nothing.
I think Voldemort will stop “at” nothing, instead.

And one style preference:
“I do, truly I do,” he begged her
Like I said, I can’t really nitpick your younger Severus character but this sentence just sounded so unlike him. I think it is the “truly” you threw in there, it makes him sound like Remus in my opinion.

Another gem, Laura. This story is different from the others of yours I’ve read. Not in a bad way but it just is a different “experience” I suppose. It was nice reading this because my mind was having a little bit of trouble wrapping around “A Light Hits the Gloom”. It’s not everyday I get to read two Laura fics, it was a delightful afternoon!

Wow, this was a really interesting story and very original at that, you don't see many stories with Petunia and Vernon in them pre-Harry.
Petunia and Lily's relationship and the way they interacted was perfect. Petunia was cold because Lily was strange, yet Lily tried to be nice though she really didn't understand Petunia. It reminded me a bit of Glinda and Elphaba's relationship in Wicked if you've ever seen that. It was pretty solid and very in character.
I also liked Petunia and Vernon's connection, I think a lot of people would say they were too nice to each other but they were sweethearts and before that night, they were very much in love. I suppose technically they were still in love after that night but like you said "nothing was ever the same". So I liked the chemistry you put between them, and how Petunia had convinced herself that he was the one. After all they had a lot in common.
I also think Mr. And Mrs. Evans were pretty clear cut and accurate for how their daughters are. I know their part wasn't big, but it worked for me.
There were a couple things that bothered me though: 1) Lily and James seemed a bit casual for this first meeting, arriving by apparation upstairs? You think they would at least apparate to the front door or something. Also just in general you think they would act a little more upright rather than like kids. 2) This one is a bit silly but I noticed it anyway...Petunia says the bridesmaids dresses are pink and her mother says it will match her complexion; but Petunia is getting married so she won't be wearing a bridesmaid's dress.
Othe than that I can't think of anything else but that it was very good. I admired your tie-in with the stars, it was very impressive and a good plot bunny to go for. It really defined Vernon and Petunia's relationship. Like I said before it's orginal and very well done. ~Ashley

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, Ashley, I'm glad that you are interested enough in this story to leave such a thoughtful review. In response to the things that bothered you... ...Do you really think that they would have apparated outside, with the Evans family living in a muggle town? I think that would be a little too suspect. And yes, perhaps it seems a little immature to you, however, they are only seventeen, and James liked to have fun. I like to think that he and Lily are excited to have dinner at her house and ready to show the joys of their relationship. ...The bridesmaid reference was one of Petunia's subtle gibes at Lily. She chose pink knowing that Lily's complexion doesn't exactly suit pink, and her mother catches this. The colors of the wedding are everywhere, in the flowers, decorations, etc...I can see Petunia trying to make herself as beautiful as possible, and revelling in the fact that Lily (should she choose to include her) will not look as beautiful in comparison. So there you are--just to let you know where I was coming from with those decisions.

Wow, first off let me say that was a beautifully written one-shot, it was really moving. I almost felt like I was her, because I could relate so intensely with her character and emotion. The emotion and mood was perfect, you really have a grasp of the human emotion and feeling and I respect that greatly, because it entrances me while I read. I completely envy that talent.

Second off, you don’t get many great stories examining Minerva so this was a gem to find. It’s really brave of you to take on a story most people would touch because she isn’t one of our well-known characters. So nice risk-taking.

They had failed her.

That simple sentence in itself is so powerful and brilliant it really sets the reader up for what is about to come and evokes a lot of emotion. I really like this.

Another illustration I like is when you are describing her tears: Tears rolled down the girl's cheeks and chin, cascading like falling stars…

That was beautiful, I really liked that illusion you presented especially how you continue to mention the stars around her throughout the end of the story, it’s really nice. I find it hard to describe…but just the way she was drawn to the very thing that led her astray. Her belief in the fate written the stars had betrayed her yet she still found hope and safety in them. I found it very moving. I absolutely loved how you continued to tie them and relate them to her again and again.

A few critiques though, they are little and easily fixed I’m sure.

They had started on Vanishing Spells, and she had managed to master them before class was out. But those classes were always fun, and as such not a source of great excitement.

I don’t think that second sentence needs to start with “But” you could probably just lead into it with “Those classes were…” The “but” makes me think you are about to make an exception to the last sentence when you really aren’t. Also, you say the classes were fun but not a great source of excitement. Isn’t that kind of contradicting yourself in the same sentence? Correct me if I’m reading this wrong but it’s sounds like you are saying too different things at once.

Later on there is this,

He had died fighting, killed with a single curse.

You say this though above you mention both her parents not returning so I think you mean “they” and not “he”. Or if you do mean he, you might want to mention the mother in another sentence, because that was kind of confusing, just mentioning one parent.

Nice job though, I really enjoyed this story and I think others will too. Your talent for writing human emotion is incredible; I deeply envy that. ~Ashley

Author's Response: First of all, thank you for leaving such a lovely review! I've already con through and taken out the 'But' and changed 'He' to 'They.'

I'm glad you liked what I did with the story. I think we see glimpes of a softer Minerva underneath the strict professor, and I wanted to explore that side of her. One of my favorite things to do when exploring a character is to take a strong character and put him or her in a situation where (s)he is vulnerable. The results can be interesting. I'm glad you were able to identify with her, it's nice to know that it's working!

Oh! So many stories are unfolding, you are killing me with all the cliffhangers for each story you start another gets left behind. I must say, I was quite excited to see Lupin, I love him dearly, and if he could be a mentor for anyone it certainly is Ron. I must say, what you did for imagery in the last chapter you did for canon characterizations in this one.

Early on in the chapter Lupin spoke about death “soullessly”, oh, how terribly heart-wrenching to read, but it’s so true. The way you displayed his hardness was perfect. You showed not only his want to detach himself but also his want for life when he asks Moody “what if there are survivors”. You showed the mask he wear and the dying soul still in him. Oh, it was perfect. I am so impressed, and I am hard to please when it comes to Lupin.

“But this was just a regular town, with far more Muggles than wizards. They were defenseless!” the young man called Ron exclaimed.

Ron was also very well written. He doesn’t understand war, death, or pain that comes with the emptiness of the dead and the dying. What a harsh world to throw him into Haley, how do you expect him to go on living a lie? *cough* But really, his reaction to the “mission” is perfect, he doesn’t understand because he is still a child trying hard to be a young man and still failing because he doesn’t understand. Now if you can make the transition of him not understanding to finally grasping the truth, I might let you put him with Hermione…maybe, mind you. :P

There is to be no funny business beyond thatno sneaking off on rescue missions, etcetera

Thatno, should probably be “that no” if you haven’t fixed it already.

She shopped, and a shudder ran over her scrawny length

I doubt she shopped right in the middle of her story, so I’d make it “stopped” again if you haven’t fixed it.

There was one more thing I wanted to nitpick, the girl. Here she is in the midst of all this destruction, she watched a werewolf and death eaters pretty much take over and she tells the entire story of what happened with only a little emotion. Granted maybe it’s because she is a child she doesn’t understand what has happened but I have a feeling should wouldn’t be able to relive what happened so easily like she did for the Order. I would think she would be a little more hesitant or upset.

I really loved this chapter though, even though you are leaving Lanette and Harry hanging here. You know if it wouldn’t be plagiarism you could totally publish this. You are so talented.

~Ashley

Haley, I'm going to be honest, I was quite tentative on reading this story for a long time, but I am so glad I did because it's brilliant!

Your writing is like canon, it sounds so real and so natural, it's hard to believe I'm not reading the 7th book. Harry is golden, you couldn't have done his character more justice than you did in the first two chapters (or prologue and chapter rather). It was right on. I don't say that lightly, I've never read a more accurate Harry than I have here. Oh and Falcor!! Not only did you tie in a Narnia reference but also a Neverending Story reference, oh the nostalgia of that first chapter, it made me grin stupidly.

And the wizarding school in Salem is incredible, and the way you describe it and all the students, and going-ons there is so real, and that is unfortunately the best way I can describe it. I feel like I'm there, and I'd love to visit there, it's a gorgeous place. It's still very much a part of the wizarding world but it's not Hogwarts and so many writers forget that not every school has to be like Hogwarts. The Salem school is an entity all it's own and it thrives off your writing skill. I actually want to visit there more than I would Hogwarts!

This brings me to Lanette, when I first saw her on that banner and when I first read her name I knew she was a special character and one I would adore. You didn’t let me down at all. She is brilliant, I want to be her best friend, I can feel the pain she goes through at the school and I can relate to her worries and insecurities. Just be careful to not make her so disconnected with society, though she has the right to scorn it, she can’t always run from it, and something tells me (though you know best) that sometimes, even if very rarely, she wishes to be a part of it; and maybe not a part of the gossipy girls and pureblooded madness, but to be a part of something more than herself. I do love her very much though, I’m learning more and more to believe in the OC’s of SPEWers.

The last few chapters had a lot of backstory, and backstory is hard to write when aiming to please. The way you did it though was captivating, I felt like I was following Lanette and her Grandmother around the school and up the stairs and in the rain. You also start to weave a mystery so people are dying to know more, you are giving us a cup and slowly filling it with water but not enough to satisfy. It’s very tricky, but you’ve got it down to a tee. Very well down with background information, you didn’t bore me to death. Speaking of which, the tragic story of Rowena Ravenclaw was beautiful, oh, perfect for a hopeless romantic like me. *sigh*

There is one thing I wanted to address before I stop reviewing, and I know this is awful long review I apologize. You tend to get jumpy and some parts, like the transition between the Prologue and Chapter One, I was really confused for the first paragraph or so. There is another part too, but I can’t remember off the top of my head so I won’t think too hard on it, it must not have been that grave.

You have a very deep story here, and the depth you reach is outstanding. I wish I could see inside your mind to know the great lengths this story will reach, because I know my mind does not write stories (and sadly will probably never) like you do. This story is intelligent and I am highly impressed. I look forward to chapters 5-8, fantastic job. I will review again later, and work more on grammar stuff when I’m reviewing chapter by chapter rather than a “grouped chapter” review.

Not that this review didn't already say it, but this is now on my favorites list. :) You are brilliant Haley.
~Ashley

Hello, I’m back again, after a terribly long period of time, I’m sorry I didn’t review sooner, school and stuff has been crazy.



This is a good follow up chapter to chapter one, lots of familiar scenes and favorite marauder traits are apparent throughout the chapter and that is very enjoyable for me to read at least.



Let me start off with Sirius, he is very well written, and I am a pretty harsh critic with him being my favorite character and all. For the most part you keep him very rugged, very handsome, and very mischevious, which is exactly what, he is supposed to be at that age. I would definitely fall for him, even if he is a little bit of a bad boy, but at this point that might be what Lily wants, something different, out of the ordinary. There were a few things that made me second-guess your awesome Sirius character though.



One is “Lils” I don’t think Sirius would use a cutsie pet name like that it doesn’t suit him, however he would definitely use a pet name of some kind, “Lils” just seems way over the edge cute for him to say. Maybe something like “Evans” or something a little more rough and tumble, I get the impression he is attracted to something that in her is a bit wilder, he wouldn’t be one attracted to the perfect “cute” side of her, so maybe try a nickname that suits what he is interested in her. I hope that makes sense!?



Another thing is that you had him dress up really nice for their second date, which is fine, but you go into detail that he has trousers and that really sounds like he is trying to hard. And Sirius wouldn’t need to try too hard because some part of him knows that he has an advantage, after all she is on a second date with him.



Then finally this conversation:

“I really adore her,” he confessed with a smile, which indicated that he was slightly embarrassed for being found out. Lily thought it was cute. “I think she is the best thing that could have happened to me,” he said then earnestly. “She taught me honesty and loyalty. Something my parents neglected to do,” he admitted. “We are here,” he announced then, clearly not wanting to talk about the subject anymore.



That little bit of information seemed kind of awkward, it sounds like he has a crush on her or something. I can see her respecting her as a teacher and that he learned things from her that his family lacked…or didn’t teach him but he seems a little obsessive which isn’t really his style, especially and school.



Again, I don’t mean to sound too critical, everything else was excellent and I am a Sirius fanatic.



Lily was pretty good in character too, nothing really stands out in my mind about her so she must have been okay.



The date sounded really fun by the way, I’d totally love to do that, and I can see Lily breaking out of her shell and trying some things new just to prove she could do it.



I’m looking forward in future chapters to see more of Lily and Sirius’s state of mind and why they like each other, you’ve shown us their actions and their chemistry. Next I’d really like to see the inner thoughts and feelings of each of them. Why would Sirius like a goody-goody Evans? And why would Lily go for the bad boy in Sirius? I’m dying to know as a fan of the ship.



Really good chapter, I really adore this story, nobody takes on this pairing and it’s so brave of you to do it, and I’m looking forward to reading more so please update soon.



~Ashley

Wow, I am truly and amazing stunned at this story, it was very good. One of the best one-shots I’ve ever read, you really took the challenge and used it in a unique way. You took the canon, and heart of these characters and caused them to interact in a realistic and meaningful way. I am so impressed, this really was a magnificent job, and I really hope that the rest of the Winter Stories will match this caliber of writing. I am very impressed.

Lupin and Harry were very much in character by themselves and with one another. I liked how you reflected back on their relationship, reminding us how close they really were once upon a time. I was pleased to see how you brought up Lupin’s “knowing glance”. I honestly smiled when I read that. Lupin taught Harry a lot of lessons his third year, and I think Harry realizes in a way that Lupin was like a dad to him in a time that he needed a dad. In this story, Harry really needed a dad, and so once again Lupin was there to be one. I mean, you could have used Hermione, Ron, or Ginny to be the one to give absolution. I think using Remus was so much more realistic in this situation so nice pick.

There are just a few things I have to critique…

However, in truth, he didn't want these thoughts to let go.

I would suggest rephrasing this sentence, there are other ways you can put this that make more sense when you read it. Say it out loud and try rearranging the words. There are a few different ways to help clear this up.

Lupin had hit home with many of his words --

Maybe it’s just me…but with such an elegantly written story I hate the phrase “hit home”. It seems a little casual or something; it doesn’t fit the flow of the story. Again it might be just me, but I think if you changed that phrase it might sound a little nicer.

"I know," Lupin nodded, leading Harry out of the room. "And I forgive you."

This sentence, this final sentence was GREAT!! It was so powerful and I loved it. It was a strong ending to a greatly written one-shot. It evokes a lot of emotion, and really shows the meaning of the story, just in that line. Nicely done. I was truly impressed with the whole thing, keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Yeah, I bristled a little at the "hit home" whenever I re-read my work. I was never sure what to put in there. :-\ I'll see what I can do with that. I'm glad you liked the story. I had started writing nearly as soon as the challenge was released, and was really proud of it by the time it was completed. But yes, as you've pointed out, still a few flaws that could be done with fixing. Thanks. ~Lydia

*tries to suppress squee of glee*

That chapter was amazing! I’m so proud!

Where to begin? One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is that, since the beginning, I’ve read it so that I’m rooting for Lucius in the way…maybe because of his manipulative nature, but whatever he wanted I wanted him to get I guess; just because I feel like he deserved it almost because of his cunning. But after a while, you get tired of rooting for the big guy, the guy that always wins…and you could see Lucius was getting a little too much power, and you just want someone to knock him off his pedestal. So what do you do? You bring in Severus to completely make him bend over backwards to his bidding! It was perfect, I smiled so much for the last couple paragraphs. Now I can root for Severus, and I can see that more power struggles will most certainly ensue. I enjoy power struggles, and you have played some of these out so beautifully, starting with Hermione and Lucius in the beginning.

Second, I absolutely adored Severus, we talked about this earlier, and no matter what you say your Severus is absolutely wonderful. Well of course not wonderful as a person, but he stays true to the character that Jo has made for us to play with, and that is wonderful because out of the entire series, Severus is my favorite character, I kid you not. He has the most depth, and the most mystery and intrigue and past, he is so multi-dimensioned and I love that. The fact that you don’t classify him into being sexy!Severus or evilkillyouall!Severus, or I’mjusttoodarncunningformyowngood!Severus is exactly right. Snape cannot be classifed, and that is what makes his character so dynamic. Of course he is cunning but he forgot to move the clothes from room to room. He is willing to risk Lucius staying at his home instead of lying safe, because he is ambitious if not a little dangerous, and he knows that. He shows indifference but has sensitivity towards Narcissa, it’s absolutely right. I am very very impressed with him, and I’m so happy you’ve brought him into this story.

My only poke at character would be with Narcissa, and since we don’t know too much about her it’s pretty much up to you how you deal with her. But it just seems to me that even if she is scared of Lucius that being married to him for so many years would give her some kind of a tolerance for him, or a backbone, she is just terrified and though I can see she might be scared and surprised that most of that would be internally and that she would be able to control her external emotions being a Malfoy and all. Again, it’s more up to you, but that was just a point I wanted to make.

I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, reading about Snape makes me feel smarter, and your story is so sharp. I’m so impressed, don’t wait too long for the next update, and I won’t wait so long to review, I promise!

Signed,
Your devoted fangirl


Author's Response: Oh My! I am such a bad SPEW buddy... How late am I with this? *tuts at herself* I love you Ashley. I love you sooo much and you make me smile with every review you write for me. I am glad you like my Severus... he\'s been a working progres for 35 chapters of Lacrima and so I am glad that I pulled him off once I introduced him into this story. I hate it when people try to catogorise him, and the best Snapes that I read are the ones where he is lulling around in grey areas. Where you simpyl cannot predict what he will do next. I love Severus dearly and he is what is needed to bring Lucius back into order, methinks *sniggers* As for Narcisa, I will certainly take your view on board and give her more a backbone in future chapters. I didn\'t want to write snobby!Narcissa and make her shallow - even though she is an aloof, elitist character. I want her to have depth. I think some writers fail to see her depth. Your one-shot has helped me se Narcisa in a different light and so I will try and mould her into more of an independant, slightly stronger woman. Anyhoo, thank you very much. *is proud of her devoted fangirl*