Hey Jess, reviewing you for SPEW. Typically I don’t read Next-Gen, but this one caught my eye.

First, I find your use of a very objective point of view very interesting. You tell the story in a very offhanded, matter-of-fact manner. Typically one would expect more bravado or emotion in a story such as this. Lines such as these:

After he emptied the contents of his stomach all over her shoes, a mere foot away from the toilet, he proceeded to knock himself out cold on the edge of the sink, falling into the puddle of his own sick. His shame did not stop there, however.

When he sat up, he realized that he was very naked, but that did not stop him. Like the foolish charlatan he was, he sloppily kissed her. After her head jerked away in shock and indignance, James realized his mistake as he saw her fist careening toward his face.

It caught me off guard a bit, but it does give the fic a kind of joking, tongue-in-cheek style that I like. I also enjoyed Harry’s mixed reaction. It seems in-character of Harry not to judge his son too harshly (he’d be quite hypocritical considering all of his own rule-breaking escapades) but it also shows his maturity. You’ve definitely characterized Harry as a mature father in this fic, although I’d be lying if I said that I’m not used to this kind of Harry. While he definitely matured enormously in the seventh book, as I don’t usually read adult Harry fics it still jars me. These lines particularly establish his characterization:

So, his oldest had discovered Firewhiskey for the first time. He was torn between relief that this one of many hurdles on the path to manhood was finally over and dismay, since the whole thing had taken place in Hannah’s bar.

Again, I also like your sneaky and humorous insertions, such as this line:

He made a mental note to himself to send the Longbottoms a thank you gift for not chucking James out on the curb, as he had probably deserved.

I also liked your characterization of James, which is appropriate to a young man, especially a young Potter. His anger at Harry’s laughter after finding himself naked is funny and reminiscent of his father and grandfather. I also enjoyed this cute and clever line:

Harry was incurably curious as to the identity of She-Who-Must-Be-Found.

The rest of the fic continues is a lighthearted, humorous fashion. I further enjoyed some funny lines, such as:

This was easily high on the list of stupid things his son had done. Of course, it wasn’t quite as bad as paying a First Year to fly a broom up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory in Gryffindor Tower to toss a Dungbomb, but it was close. Hannah was obviously not troubled by it, so Harry relented and chuckled along with her.

However, I did find the middle part to be on the slow side. The exposition with Harry and Hannah is unnecessary to the story, as it reveals what the readers already know (or have surmised). It’s cute to see old acquaintances talking, but it slows down the action of the story.

James’ brief bit about fooling with his haggard appearance was also cute, but seemed unnecessary as well. The story picks up again as Augusta and James finally meet again, and the dialogue is very cute and befitting of young wanna-be-lovers. I love that James can’t help himself from messing up so fantastically again, I did think that was quite funny.

You also showed off your descriptive skill when James and Augusta finally realize their feelings for each other, and this passage is very beautifully written:

When James touched her, Augusta felt like she had been burned. Fire coursed through her as if her veins were filled with lava instead of blood. She felt her whole body tingle, even in places she did not know beyond what the book her mother gave her when she was twelve had said those parts did. What were these feelings, and why wasn’t she still angry? He was touching her, and even after what he did last night, she liked it. That should not be possible. How was she supposed to stop it?

Finally, I love the last few lines and how you paralleled James’ attitude and behavior toward women with his namesake’s. Overall, a cute story a little inhibited by the dragging in the middle. However, I left satisfied!

-Danielle

Author's Response:

Hello!

Holy random story, Batman! I believe you've found my author page at its darkest. Eep. At least you didn't read my Gauntlet story. Crikey, it's really bad. 

This story was written waaaaaaaaaaay back when I had no idea that head hopping was a no-no, and I suppose that I never bothered to reread it and make it better. I'm lazy like that. That being said, though, I do enjoy a story where not only one mind is being explored, and I think I did okay with making sure that the present narrative character was clear. That being said, from my extremely critical author's eye, this fic probably has more problems than strengths, but the parts you enjoyed are the ones I liked as well, especially the father/son chat part, hehe.

I never really considered it, but the part in the middle does drag on a bit. I might at some point go in and cut out Hannah and Harry catching up, though I wanted that bit where Harry surreptitiously paid a good chunk of James's tab, but it can still go. The part where James is trying to humanise himself by washing up is so going to stay, though, lol. It's so beautifully cliche.

Anyway, thanks for reading, reviewing and dealing with my rambling. I don't rightly know if you've ever reviewed me before, so well done! I'm glad you're getting some last minute SPEWing in and that you joined!

~Jess

Hey Selina!

First, I’ll start this off by commending you on your writing style. I’ve haven’t come across a style quite like this yet, and I really value unique writing very highly. It’s quite amazing, because you are able to take a very choppy style and make it flow very nicely. It is really almost poetic. Even in the opening paragraph, I’m reminded of poetry:
Smooth locks of auburn hair pulled away from her face, braided loosely down the centre of her back. Emeralds shine. Rubies pout. Elegant neck stretches, head tossed back in laughter. Friends surround her, watching her in pleasure, envy, love.
If you altered the format of this, it could very easily have been a poem rather than prose. I also enjoy the imagery here, it really pulls you into the story. It also establishes the rest of the work, and lets the readers know that this is about Lily. However, this fic is also very ambiguous, so you really have to search for what exactly is happening. For example:
This is my tree. No unwanted, unneeded boy in my tree. A hero lives here. He is braver than all the rest. He is strong and needs nobody else. They envy him.
I’m not sure who exactly you are talking about here. James? Sirius? I’m assuming it’s James, because obviously the speaker would be jealous of the one who Lily is dating.
Another example of ambiguity occurs here:
I look down. Grass, green shards stretch, each reaching high, trying to grow, outshine the others. No chance to shine; sun hidden behind long limbs that touch cloudless blue. My small, curved hand reaches out, touches green fringe like feathers, that whispers like silk, rustles like the wind. Curled fingernails grasp, tug. My hand retreats, uncurls. My line-marked palm, lines inked in with dirt, holds it close. In it I can see veins, lines, connections. Which one to take? The oldest? The fragile? The strongest?
I think you’re attempting to make a metaphor comparing a plant that receives no sunshine to the lack of attention that the reader receives. He never really “shines”. I think that this is a really beautiful and well-suited metaphor, but the ambiguity doesn’t let it reach the heights that it could.
There are a few moments where it is clearer who the speaker is, such as this: I don’t fit there; never have. Never as talented, quick, witty. Slightly different from the others, apart. Disposable.
This sentence is a clearer indicator that it’s Peter, as he mentions not being known for his talent or wit, and the fact that is he replaceable within the Marauders. This does help differentiate it from Snape, because Snape would not think of himself as lacking talent or brains, and he doesn’t seem to care for friendship as much as Peter.
I also enjoyed your frequent comparisons of Peter to a tree. It’s a comparison that I wouldn’t have thought of immediately, and it the way you describe it really does fit Peter.
And finally with this phrase it becomes clearer that Peter has been referencing James all along:
How can I measure up to him? He is perfect, no flaws. I am the hanger-on in our group, the one who doesn’t quite fit, like a puzzle piece placed into the wrong spot. He fell for her, I fell for her, but she didn’t fall for him. Certainly not me.
I’m glad that you don’t use clichéd details to describe him, such as noting his glasses or dark messy hair, but I think more clarification is necessary.
I also like your characterization of Peter as very simple and animal-like. I know that some think that Peter shouldn’t be trod on as much as he is in fanfiction, but I personally don’t see any redeeming qualities in him. I also like when you describe Peter in his rat-form. This part helped me realized that the speaker was an animagus, but then this bit confused me again:
Escape - soon. Howling, sounds of pain. They cannot find me, not here. They never did, never shall.

Worth it? He is gone, but she is too.

The boy, only the boy was supposed to die, not her. She would have been spared, treasured by our Lord.

She has been gone years. Only thing left is what should have been destroyed.
This part made me think of Snape again, because he was the one who bargained for Lily’s life. I don’t think it says anywhere in canon that any other Death Eaters knew that Snape was trying to save her life.

Also, towards the end I really love this paragraph:
He was no longer what he used to be. Change had followed his path, made him diver from what he had always imagined. Now he was the autumn leaf, frail, brittle, weak to the touch, breaking under slight pressure. The leaves would always change, season after season, year after year. But would he?
Beautiful imager, beautiful metaphor, beautiful characterization…everything. Again, I really like the nature metaphors/motifs in this fic. Combined with Peter’s animalistic/naturalistic characterization it all works really well together.

I really enjoyed this fic for its beautiful imagery. However, I do think this fic might have actually worked better as a long poem. The imagery and fragmented sentences would work better in poetry format. Also, I think the ambiguity hurt this fic more than helped it. I had to read your author’s note to know whose point of view this was from, and while I was reading it I thought that it was Snape. Maybe I’m just a little dense, but f you had added a couple more hints it could have helped a lot. That being said, I think that your writing style is gorgeous. Keep writing, Selina :)

-Danielle

This is me telling you that I will drop by again soon to leave you a proper review :-) But for now, this story was excellent! I love the different perspective on Peter's character (also indicated by nice use of the second person). You allowed Peter to be mentally equal to Sirius here, despite that he was well known for not being the social or physical equal of the other Marauders. This is a great example of a character shown in a different light while maintaining a strong sense of realism. The only weakness that comes to mind is that I would have liked to see a bit more conflict between the two, as I'm sure confessing their desires for each other couldn't have been easy. Otherwise, fantastic!

Hello! I really loved this fic, you definitely deserve the QSQ! It especially stands out because I've found that a lot of alternate fic relies on the alternate reality itself. That is, it focuses on the plot and ignores writing, characterization, etc. Certainly not in this case! Your alternate realities are fascinating (there are a few that I never considered) and there is so much wonderful emotion in it to. Great job!
-Danielle

Author's Response: Thank you very much -- I'm glad you found it worthy of the award! Yes, I think it's really easy to get caught up in an AU world and the logistics of it all and neglect the actual writing and characters, so I'm happy you think I managed to avoid that :)

Hello Jess,

It’s SPEW-in time. When scrolling down your author page trying to figure out which one to pick, this one caught my eye. Though I don’t generally read Post-Hogwarts, Teddy’s story has always touched me. Though I personally felt that JKR’s killing of Lupin and Tonks was unfair, it’s really poetic how it parallel’s Harry’s own story.

In order to add some semblance of coherence to this review, I’m going to comment on different aspects of the fic separately rather than rambling on about my thoughts.

First, I’ll tackle the plot. I thought you did a great job introducing the story. I love the opening anecdote; it perfectly illustrated Harry’s mixed feelings towards Teddy. All in all, I thought that Harry’s feelings of uncertainty and the desire to become a father to Teddy were communicated very well. It was very straightforward, but with a touch of heart to it. I thought that you covered Teddy’s childhood nicely. However, I was a little disappointed that it seemed to be more expositional than anecdotal. While the writing is very clean and there’s definitely heart in it, I would have preferred to have actually seen the interactions between Teddy and Harry. I hope this makes sense, but what I’m trying to say is that you seem to tell us that Teddy and Harry bonded more than show us. I am glad that you gave us a full interaction between Harry and Teddy in the Auror offices. I thought that it was very well done and poignant. I thought you did a great job with consistency, as you always reminded us of Harry’s conflicted feelings.

Continuing to comment on plot, I did grow a bit bored of the descriptions of Teddy’s growing up. I was a put off by the lack of action. However, I’m really glad that you added the murder plot. It kicked the story up a notch and brought my attention back fully.

Honestly, I was not expecting the story to end the way it did. It was quite sad and touching, but I’m not sure if I’m personally satisfied with it. I understand the point you were trying to make, but it’s hard to not feel a little cheated. His death felt unfair, just the like death of his parents felt unfair in the books. But that’s how it is whenever a beloved character dies.

Also, while I liked the addition of the murder plot I was a bit disappointed with the perpetrators. I understand that this isn’t a mystery plot and it’s definitely not a story about Yaxley and Rowle, but I was expecting something a bit more exciting than vengeful Death Eaters. However, this is a pretty small complaint in the general scheme of things as the murders were simply a device in the story.

On other note, I thought that the addition of Malfoy was interesting too. I’m a little confused as to why you chose to put him in this story, but I can’t say I’m sorry you did. I’ve come to like Malfoy a lot more after the seventh book, and I liked that you portrayed him as that “shades of gray” character. He wasn’t suddenly all touchy and sympathetic, but he was respectful of Harry’s grief.

Alright, now I’ll tackle characterization. I thought the characterization was nearly flawless. Harry was perfect. I’m glad you kept bringing up his desire to father Teddy and his guilt for not being able to be there all the time, plus the added guilt of feeling responsibility for Tonks and Lupin’s death. Harry did feel older and more mature, but he was still Harry. And he wasn’t ridiculously mature either, which was nice.

I also liked Andromeda’s characterization. I thought she came off exactly as she did in the books; she was no nonsense, not exactly pleased with Harry, but basically a good person. I like that she didn’t fall all over Harry for trying to be a father to Teddy. He did make some mistakes, and she didn’t let it go.

Finally, it’s time for Teddy’s characterization. He was appropriately courageous and virtuous. He loved and appreciated Harry despite not being able to spend time with him. He’s a great person. However, I think that he might have been a little too great. I understand that the point of this story is to evoke sympathy for his death, which you did, but I was a little bothered by the fact that Teddy seemed too perfect. He’s a great Auror, brave, and doesn’t harbor any ill-thoughts. I wish he would have been a bit more rounded.

Alright, writing style. Like I said, your writing is virtually perfect. It was pretty flawless, completely concise and lacking in grammatical errors. That being said, I think I would have liked it too be a little more messy, if you know what I mean. I think that would have made the piece more emotional. I’m sorry if that doesn’t make any sense, by the way. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what it means too!

Overall, this was a sweet and touching story. I hope you don’t think I didn’t enjoy it from my comments, but I truly did. Your writing is always in character and always flawless. I just thought this kind of review would be more helpful than “Oh my God, your writing is so good!” over and over again. Am I a good SPEW-er, O Great Queen?

-Danielle

Author's Response:

I've been contemplating a response for this review, despite the appearance that I either forgot to or didn't care to respond. Honestly, though... I wasn't really sure what I should say other than you're pretty much right about a lot of it.

In terms of characterisation, I get what you mean by Teddy being too good, but he was meant to be a tragedy. While this story does feature shifting points of view, the entire story is coloured by Harry's POV. So, the audience is meant to see Teddy as Harry sees him — as a shining human being and the last person in the world deserving to die.

In my head, this whole thing is almost like Harry watching events in a pensieve, and we are watching his reactions to it. It was meant to be grafted with an air of melancholy as some of the pivotal interactions between them occur. While they might seem 'boring', they're meant to instill an air of foreboding, both in terms of the father/son relationship not turning out right and for Teddy's fate as a whole. 

The murder plot is... yeah. It is what it is, which you pointed out, and that's a plot device. Not one of my shining moments, but the story would've been dull and fluffy without an element of danger. I want to change it, to give the plot a bit more plausibility, but to be honest, I'm not sure how I could do that and make it work. I'll take a look at it, though, and see what I can come up with.

Thanks for the insightful review. :)

~Jess

Great start! I love AU fics, and this one definitely caught my attention. I'm always interested in that what if...what if Voldemort won? But I see that you've added an incredible twist by turning the Wizarding World against Harry and in support of Voldemort. You're writing style is phenomenal as well. I really do feel the pain and bitterness of a battle-worn Harry. Great job, I look forward to future chapters!

Hey Meg! I'm reviewing you for SPEW buddies.

Gorgeous little poem, first of all! Sometimes you read stories that almost sound like music, but your poem was like reading a painting. If that makes any sense! The use of color and words such as "blemishes", "flourish", and "billows" made me imagine a painter at their easel. I also liked the cool format, ironically the broken-up sentences make the poem flow. I'll admit, I was a bit confused by its ambiguity but it's so beautiful I don't mind.

Great job Meg :)

-Danielle

Author's Response: The ambiguity was somewhat intentional. I tried to keep the poem as short and concise as possible, and I found that adding words that would resolve the ambiguity made it sound cluttered. Thank you for the complements. While I was writing this, I had a picture in my mind, and it's lovely to hear that the visual-ness came across. I feel terrible about how late this response is, but I've been super busy with real life. -Meg

Did I mention that another character I'm simply not attracted to is Parvati? But damn you, you keep mixing me all up. I have to say, I really like the mature Parvati.

But enough of that, I can't wait to see how this ends. And that last line was simply incredible.

Author's Response: Hahaha! I've to say Parvati is not my usual go-to choice for a rarepair. But I've grown fond of her. Glad you liked the story so far

This was a sweet little piece. I’m a big fan of missing moments such as these…although since the book ended before this interaction could have taken place I’m not sure this counts as one. Still, I love dreaming up small emotional fics like these. It gives us Harry Potter fans closure.

Before the seventh book, I never gave much thought to Harry and McGonagall’s relationship. I think the seventh book in general opened my eyes to many characters I’ve never given much though too or simply disliked. And I think you’ll probably agree with me that Harry’s attack on one of the Carrows for insulting Minerva really added a new dimension to their relationship. When you typically think of a teacher/student relationship, Dumbledore and Harry first come to mind. However, I think McGonagall deserves a lot of recognition for her bravery in protecting the students. I’m very glad that Jo showed us that Harry obviously does think a lot of his old professor.

That was my roundabout way of saying that I really appreciate what you were going for in this fic. Unhappily however, I do have a few critiques.

The first would be the opening paragraph. Personally, it didn’t grab me. It was too much exposition and not enough movement or emotion. Basically, it felt too much like “McGonagall did this” and “McGonagall did that”. It was too plain for me. I know McGonagall isn’t one to get emotional, but I felt like it could have been phrased better.

To be specific, there are a few sentences that seem quite awkward and appear to have comma splices. For example:

No one could read the cat's face clearly enough to guess her thoughts so she was free finally, to allow herself to feel.

I’m certainly not a grammar expert, but the placement of the comma seems quite awkward. I think the sentence would work better if it was phrased like this:

No one could read the cat’s face clearly enough to guess her thoughts so she was finally free to allow herself to feel.

Also, this sentence stuck out to me too:

She knew the title would likely follow him for as long as he did live, which struck her as odd now as she considered that he'd never really gotten the chance to be a boy at all, but somehow a full grown man even as an eleven year old.

As I said I’m no expert in grammar, but this sentence feels awkwardly long. I had to read it twice to make full sense of it. I think it would be better if you made “ She knew the title would likely follow him for as long as he did live,” its own sentence instead of putting it with “which struck her as odd now as she considered that he'd never really gotten the chance to be a boy at all, but somehow a full grown man even as an eleven year old.” I’m not sure if you used a Beta on this fic, but I’d like to throw in that they’re very good with this sort of thing. I know that none of my writing would be validated if it weren’t for the help of my Betas!

Moving on, I did enjoy the second paragraph much more. It was only a few sentences but it was very well written. The imagery was beautiful and made me interested in the fic again.

Overall, the writing style of this piece wasn’t my favorite part about it. While it’s still an emotional fic, I think that some tweaks to the writing (such as removing certain commas to give it better flow or adding more imagery) would have added to it.

Next, I thought your characterization was well done. McGonagall was her stalwart self. I like that you didn’t let her dissolve into a little weepy mess when she talked to Harry. It would be easy to give in to cheesiness such as that, but you did a great job staying away from it. I have almost no complaints about Harry’s characterization either. The one critique I do have is the “Minerva”. I’ve read your response to Gina’s review and I understand your logic behind it. I’m sure it would be feasible that Harry would call her Minerva one day. However, it didn’t jibe well with me. I think it’s a very significant moment in DH when he still calls her professor, even though the teacher/student relationship between them no longer exists. I can’t picture him calling her Minerva so soon. Sorry to rehash this, but it bothered me a little bit. It didn’t really detract from the fic overall though.

I also wanted to add that I liked your little insertion of:

"I'm not worried, Harry," she said simply. She smiled and looked over at him, and knew that he could see the mist in her eyes, "I'm with you."

It was a sweet touch. I’m glad that you didn’t dwell on it, as then I think it would have become sappy. This way it hits you just the right way. Good job on adding that one in there.

Wrapping it up now, my final comment is that I thought it ended too soon. It’s quite a short fic. I also felt like the conversation between the two was too brief—I felt like I had only seen the beginning. I would have really liked to read more of this but I was disappointed that it ended so quickly.

Anyway, this was a sweet little piece and I did enjoy it. The closure it gave me (and I’m sure others who have read it) was wonderful. But I won’t dull you with a further rehash of my review :) Hope you found it helpful!

-Danielle

Author's Response: Thank you for such a detailed review, and my apologies for my delay in responding to it. I agree with you about the depth the scene of Harry protecting McGonagall added to thier relationship, and I was immensely sorry it was not included on film :( I appreciate your comments about the writing. No, I did not use a beta for this piece, as it was a plot bunny I adopted and hurried to get on the boards. I wondered if some of the comma usage was the best way to go but did not see how better to phrase it, so thanks for your suggestions. I will make corrections. After hearing your response to Harry's use of her given name, as well as Gina's, I admit that part may be too rushed for this scene. I will redo it to correct it so that it flows more gracefully to more readers. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it. On hearing how much it is liked, and that more may be desired, I am looking over the piece with the eye of expanding it some more. Thanks to everyone who has shared their input, and please stay tuned for updates :)