I enjoyed it very much, Melissa! Lovely story :)

Author's Response: Yay, I\'m glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing. =)

Gina,

This is an incredibly touching piece - I almost cried with Ron when he broke down. The way you focused on the loss and pain rather than celebration made me think of the first war, and especially about Remus Lupin and Agusta Longbottom. This is so sad :(

You know I adore your writing. I don't want to finish the review with something like "great work!" because it feels dull when you're the writer in question. So yeah - it's finished. /end ramble.

;)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, Kehribar! I know this response is sure late in coming, but I am still pretty happy with how this story turned out so to read your kind words is so nice. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading it and leaving such a great review! ~Gina :)

This is very sweet :)

Author's Response: Thanks, I try my best to stay adorably cute.

Oh, this is a very, very good start. Like others have said, especially characterization is excellent - you not only have a good grasp on the Marauders but you also manage to distinctly bring each character alive. I'm just a little bit concerned about Lily - she seems a bit... ordinary, I guess, more like an OC than a canon character. It's probably because this Lily is not really conforming with the tough girl image most people have in mind - the young woman who's gone through all that she did; fighting the Dark side, with Voldemort, sacrificing herself... If she broke down into tears at seventeen merely at the thought of the risk of losing James, I'm not sure this kind of Lily would be able to take all that the canon Lily did... am I making sense?

Otherwise, I love the narration, the easy flow, and the situation you've chosen to focus on. I'm looking forward to reading the rest, because this story surely is a head above most. :)

Author's Response: You know, you're absolutely right about the Lily thing, and I have no real explanation for why I did it that way, other than, well, this: I caught Lily at a weak moment? I would think there would have to be a moment when Lily, even though she recognizes the danger of the times, and KNOWS that James wouldn't be happy doing anything else, might feel like it's all too much and too REAL. But, yes, Lily is tough and she would bounce back, and yeah, in retrospect, maybe I should've written a better reaction for her. Forgive me? I love your review. It made me think and justify what I did, and told me what you liked. I hope the next chapter doesn't disappoint. (Oops--I think there's another Lily thing in there too... Hmm. Sorry in advance!) Thanks for the compliments! I may not be able to fit my head through the doorway now, though. :)

What a lovely piece of character study... I think you have done a splendid job with tone. Unlike most, you managed to make Lily sound like a teenager - not like an adult who has seen the many ups and downs of life. Great job.

I also think that you marveled at Severus's characterization, your ability to keep the characters age-compliant showing off. He acts exactly how I'd expect him to behave, and I especially like how you captured him at the point where he had slipped towards the Dark Side and when the effects of this must have been felt both by himself and by those around him (Lily). The interaction between the two clearly demonstrates how firm a grasp you have on both characters.


I have a few nit-picks:

"I had made my choice and far beyond happy, but the nagging hole in the back of my mind never let up."

I think there's a little grammatical error; it should be "I had made my choice and I was far beyond happy..."

"Once again ripped from her drifting mind by his voice, her eyes snapped to Severus."

That's a rather unnatural shift of PoV, which I can only assume to be a tiny mistake. Have you been experimenting with third person before switching to first? ;)


I also wonder why the library is outside the caste. I'm not sure that's how it is in the books, and frankly, I don't think it makes much sense. Maybe you have done it so that Lily could ponder on the snow and the cold, but I think it sticks out.


This is a lovely, light piece of reading that I immensely enjoyed, if only because it's not full of angsty, overwhelming metaphors and because it features something quite canon, unlike many pieces of writing that portray either Lily or Severus as entirely too dramatic and not-quite-canon-fitting characters.

Lovely job!

Author's Response: THANK you so much! I have never actually written Lily or Sev as teenagers, so it's always good to hear that I have succeeded! I made the changes you pointed out, and I know the library thing is weird. Yes, probably not canon, but it's the way the library existed in my mind, so that's how I wrote it. I don't know, ever since CoS when the Basilisk attacked someone outside the library, that's how I imagined it. >.< And it adds to the effect, so it's a plus!

Author's Response: THANK you so much! I have never actually written Lily or Sev as teenagers, so it's always good to hear that I have succeeded! I made the changes you pointed out, and I know the library thing is weird. Yes, probably not canon, but it's the way the library existed in my mind, so that's how I wrote it. I don't know, ever since CoS when the Basilisk attacked someone outside the library, that's how I imagined it. >.< And it adds to the effect, so it's a plus!

Hello,

I was intimidated by the idea of one of the Potter children discovering about people from their parents' past, but admittedly I had not expected it to be Fred. It is interesting, actually.

While I think that you have a rather lovely story in hand, I feel that dialogue and description could be handled better. At the beginning, while the amount of description is fine, it does get a bit too wordy. Throughout the entire story, I felt that there is too much information cluttered in there that it weighs down on the reader. That is why I would suggest distributing dialogue and description one into another. That would make the narration flow better and easier to read.

I have to admit, though, I found it rather strange that Harry and Ginny never told their children about their Uncle Fred, let alone the Battle of Hogwarts. I would assume that the many family gatherings at the Burrow added to Lily's love of these gatherings would inevitably ensure that the Potter children did know their Uncle Fred. I also believe that the Potter and the Weasley children would grow up at least having a general idea about the war that had surrounded their parents. Bill's scarred face, George's missing ear, Teddy's orphanhood would provoke questions, and I don't think that the Potters or the Weasleys would overlook the children's righteous curiosity. Therefore I couldn't really make myself believe that Harry and Ginny put off telling their kids the story for so long.

As for the dialogue itself, again I found it too wordy, too confusing. Personally I paid extra attention to make sense of what Harry's talking about, so I doubt that an eight-year-old, no matter how smart, would grasp it so quickly. The tone of Harry's speech is too heavy. When children are a party in a dialogue, I suggest the use of simpler words and simpler sentence structures. Especially when trying to explain such a serious matter, I'd expect a father to be much more careful in his word choice.

The paragraph beginning with “I know I should have told you the truth, there is so much about your history that you don’t know, and you have the right to know.... is, I think, way too confusing to read, let alone for an eight-year-old to listen to. Firstly, as I've said before, this is too wordy, and it sounds like Harry's babbling. Plus, I think the children's names pretty much speak for themselves; from which fame was Harry hoping to protect them? One thing I found strange is that the entire matter seems single out Lily. Were the other Potter (and Weasley) children confined the story?


Lily was unsure if he was about to start crying, or yell at her. He did neither, though when he spoke his voice did shake.

"Wh-where did you find this?" he asked.

I highly doubt that this is a behavior one would expect from the Harry Potter we know. In the books, even when the death of his own parents is the issue, we see him doing his best to strong. When he witnessed the murder of his parents thanks to the Dementors, he was shaken but did not cry -and he was only thirteen. He watched Cedric being murdered, and he did not cry. He did cry at Sirius's death, and it would be way too awkward if he did not, and he once again showed his strength over Dumbledore's death. Keeping all of this in mind, I do not think that the same Harry Potter would be so shaken and show such reaction when her daughter brings up the issue of Fred's death years later. If it were Ginny, that would be different, of course.


Looking back, I am rather embarrassed to see that I have been entirely too critical. However, that is only because I, as a reader, think that you have a rather huge potential as a writer and that you seem to be eager to improve your writing. Criticism is given not for discouragement, but for encouragement. Hopefully I haven't been to annoying and was actually helpful.

Author's Response: Hey! First of all, I welcome any and all reviews, including critical ones. There is no need to feel embarrassed about leaving a critical review- a detailed one like yours shows me that you really cared enough to take the time and give me tips, and I'm happy to hear how readers think I can improve in the future, so thank you thank you thank you!!! You basically touched on all the weak points anybody might have mentioned to me about this chapter (from moderators to Beta readers to friends who gave me their opinions) and I attempted to fix most of them in ways which I guess I didn't do well enough, since you noticed them. ;) I don't know if this is a good thing, as it means that I was aware of pretty much all of the problems that you as a reader might have come up with, or a bad thing as I didn't do a good enough job fixing them. I hope to fix these problems in future projects I have in mind to write, and again I welcome your criticism- it helps me know what I have to focus on! I agree that the dialogue can seem like too much of a lecture or a speech on Harry's part (which is what I think you were getting at here). I also understand how it would be better to sprinkle dialogue and description in together so that it achieves a better flow, and I will try and improve in that area in the future. I think that part of the reason for this problem was that he had so much to tell Lily, and she had very little to respond with. What you said about the dialogue being too confusing also made sense, though I didn't think it was such a big problem while I was editing it, and nobody else really pointed it out to me either. The wording for this kind of thing was extremely difficult from the beginning, but I should have perhaps made it more suitable to something that would be told to an eight-year-old. Looking back now, I see that you do have a point, and in the future I will pay extra attention to which characters are participating in the discussion. The fact that Harry and Ginny didn't tell their children about the war was perhaps the biggest problem I had from the beginning, which was crucial to the central plot (otherwise there wouldn't have been a story) but which I kept having to play with, finding a plausible reason for them not to have told their children everything. I finally came up with what I incorporated into the story: as parents, Harry and Ginny didn't want to cause their children pain. The paragraph beginning “I know I should have told you the truth, there is so much about your history that you don’t know, and you have the right to know...” was intended to be more of a babble that we understood than what Lily understood. Harry was thinking aloud here, and Lily understood and gave him space to organize himself knowing that she would receive answers shortly. As explained in this paragraph, Harry and Ginny didn't hide anything- they just never mentioned anything either, hoping that perhaps their kids wouldn't ask difficult questions until they could figure out how exactly to tell them, or maybe in the hopes that they would just find out on their own. That they managed to put off Lily asking direct questions for eight years was probably luck mixed in with edited versions of the real story (e.g. when asked about George’s ear or Bill’s scars- “They were in an accident before you were born.”) With regard to your mention of the fame- that would have really been more of a side-issue Harry is using as an excuse for himself, but he would have been more worried that if Lily would have fully comprehended the enormity of what her parents did, she might become more stuck up about it at a younger age, and that is what he tells himself he’s shielding her from. He always knew he had to tell her eventually- he just put it off for too long. “Lily was unsure if he was about to start crying, or yell at her. He did neither, though when he spoke his voice did shake. "Wh-where did you find this?" he asked.” You’re right; Harry is not the crying type. I thought he was more scared and shocked with the enormity of the fact that he has to finally tell Lily the truth, and he’s embarrassed of the fact that she actually had to COME to him and ASK him about the war. Lily, who never sees her father lose control like this, got frightened and isn’t sure what he’s about to do. Clearly, it didn’t come through this way; I will have to be extra careful on how I word things from now on. Again, thank you for such a detailed review! I think I touched on everything you mentioned above, but if something is still not clear, or if I missed something, feel free to ask me! It was my intention to answer you satisfactorily. If I didn't, please please let me know, as I really want to! I am currently in the middle of another One-Shot which is giving me some trouble. If and when I finally manage to finish it, I welcome you to come read it and criticize me some more :)