Hello, you've reached a very long ago abandoned username. I still don't know why I haven't deleted this. Maybe I'm just lazy?
Anyway, I post under the name Aequitas. That's it, really.
If you visited here because you wanted to see A Secret Needed to be Shared or Ad Astra Per Aspera, you're about 3.097 billion years in the past - I deleted them a long time ago. I haven't rewritten them or anything. They died. Haha.
Great story! I love Lily/James stories cuz you can be so inventive. You are, definitely. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Another Marauder fic! Yay! And especially from James' PoV, while everyone else writes from Remus'. :P You got his inner battle just right, even if the events might be fictional. (Hey, I said might.) Hehe.
Here's some nitpicking: in the third paragraph, "griped" should be "gripped." "Sever" in James' response to Albus should be "severe." In the part with the Longbottoms, "preformed" should be "performed." "Secret Keeper" should have a hyphen --> "Secret-Keeper." Sirius frowned and peaked his head out, glancing around the street for anyone else around. Peaked should be peeked. Sirius frowned slightly and seemed to be searching him memory. Him should be his. "We carved it on out bloody school dorms!" Out should be our. :D Wow, I am really nitpicky, aren't I?Hehe. I laughed the mention of "Fates Bridge" which I know was intentional. Dumbledore was also in character, except for the part where he rested his chin on his propped-up elbows. It doesn't seem like him to do that. Perhaps he leaned back while he sighed, or folded his hands. "Those are famous last words, Lily." Too true. And so the Longbottoms also went under the Fidelius charm (at least in this fic). But since they were found after Voldemort's downfall, is it that Dumbledore released the spell? Is that possible? Just some questions brought to mind.
James... Sirius... couldn't get any better. James' inner battle was perfect. Did he have any right? Nice. I just wanted to know if you would put your life on the line for me Sirius...no big deal. Tee hee. That made me laugh, even with its hinted seriousness. The pact at the end was so beautiful in at its simplicity... that they were brothers in life and death at sixteen. It was so touching. Would I like to say update? Yes. But I guess I'll have to read more of your one-shots for that. :P Excellent job getting James exactly right, and Sirius too (thank goodness). Shorter than your chapters for Fate, but telling a good story all the same. :)Hey Miss Bowers, excellent job! True, it was a while before it got posted, but worth it. Ersatz... doesn't that mean fake? Ah well, keep writing!
Author's Response: Yes, ersatz means fake... I just happen to be obsessed with the Snicket books, and I needed a word that started with 'e'... Oh, no! my great secrete is out! I just look for words!! AAAHHHH!!! Oh, and thanks! I'm glad you like it
Author's Response: Oh, and I just thought of this: the charm on the door doesn't reflect accuracy in what it echos, therefore it's a fake echo... okay so some things only make sense in MY head...
Good job! Here's my favorite ship: Andran/Marti! Please put them together, that would be so cool. Also, I liked the way you put "Listener" for Audierus' name, that was clever! Even I didn't catch that, even though I obviously know who had sent the letter. Also, the scene with Bailey and Marti was very well described. "DEMON SPAWN!" I love Marti, she is so funny and real.
Author's Response: Hee hee, I'm glad you like Marti. She's my favorite to write. I enjoy making her somewhat excentric, I don't know why.
Alright, Let's begin the offical tally" A/M:1
I love your character! She's so original and funny. Keep writing, I want to see the next chapter soon!
Author's Response: I'm working on it, and it will be up asap!
*blink* Um, why does EmmaSGryffindor15 have to be so incredibly rude? That's annoying. If you don't like the fic, then don't review it instead of flaming the author.
Sorry, had to say that. Anyway, I'm reading this because of your post in our OT thread! You must be so excited! I'd be bouncing off the walls if I saw that. Well, your story just sucked me in. I couldn't stop reading until I got to this chapter! I wanted so much to click on a link to the next chapter, but I guess I'll have to wait!I really like this Anne character! You've done a great job of making her as original as possible. I think you've captured Draco quite well, too. I liked the part with Harry coming in - it heightened the tension just right and had Draco being really mean to someone! Haha. Just one thing - I would like to see some justification on the part of the Ministry, and of course Dumbledore, willingly killing Muggles simply because they have dangerous secrets. I couldn't believe that Dumbledore just ordered these deaths so their secrets wouldn't be revealed. I'm still shaking my head.
On an aesthetic note, I would caution underlining of the report. It makes it hard to read, and I had to reread the part to make sure I understood everything. And I believe you forgot to close a tag - the rest of the chapter is also underlined. ;) Oh, I just loved Annie at the end of this chapter. Her anger is portrayed just right, though I would frown on her cussing so frequently. It's my opinion that if you can't replace cursing with something else, then your fic is missing something. That's not the case with your fic, but substituting to suit my old-fashioned ways would be nice. I really liked this! I've only read humor fics of yours, and what a change. You have talent at writing dark fics too. Good job! I hope to see chapter nine accepted sometime soon!
Author's Response: I didn't intentionally underline the report, that happened because somewhere along the line, I forget to add the . Thanks for telling me about it though, I wouldn't have know about it otherwise. Does Annie really cuss that often? Jeez I hadn't really noticed that...Hmm...
But the seeming OOCness of Dumblebore and the Muggle killings is intentional. I have an argument but I won't mention it because it should make itself apparent by chapter...um, 11? I'm glad you enjoy my dark/angsty writing! Thank you so much for your review!
Wow, the other reviews look really long. S.P.E.W. members, maybe? Anyway, I'm not trying to impress you with a super-long review, just give you feedback. Just for the record, I really think you're a good writer. Some parts were very In Character (is that a term?). You almost sounded like Jo Rowling! But some parts were a little awkward, like the part when Harry squints at the other boys. Not really what he would do. "He [Harry] knew some by name, and some others by type." (I'm too lazy to quote, sorry). That was funny! The O.W.L. results were realistic too, though I thought Mrs. Figg herself would be less stern. Overall, a very nice start to a story.
Author's Response: As the head of SPEW, I do tend to get a lot of SPEW reviews as opposed to the other kind. Thanks for the very nice con-crit, and I will look at the parts mentioned. Mrs. Figg won't be changing though. I like her.
Darn it. Jenna took the exact words right out of my mouth! I was about to write a nice description of the introduction of the wizarding world to Muggleborns. But no, she stole it! LOL. Okay, with the actual review - loved it. Your description was very clean, without any extra words to confuse me and reread. I never had to reread anything - I understood everything the first time I read it. Nice job! That doesn't happen too often.
I absolutely love this new character, Sarah Grey. Poor thing! The abuse she's suffered, physically and mentally. She seemed so real the way she was and wasn't strong in this fic, and the way she spat out, "Don't insult me!" And I know you mentioned "she was grasping at straws," but she seems too trusting in Harry. Granted, he just turned her world upside down and made her life better, but to believe in another world with the evidence of O.W.L. scores? I don't mean to bash you by any means, but I think you should show more reluctance on her part.Con crit! Well, just remember that that "ok" should be "okay" or "OK." "Alright" should be separated into two words: all right. It's just slang that we don't pay attention to. Harry reached out and grabbed the letter from her hand, the corner she’d been holding ripping away in her fingertips. That should be "...ripping away from her fingertips." I know some of it stayed in her hand, but that sounds as if it somehow got inside her fingertips. That'd be weird.
About Sarah going to spend the night at Harry's... I couldn't help wondering why she couldn't have just gone to Mrs. Figg's house. You just mentioned that it's more of a safe haven than ever, with the protective spells put on it. Mrs. Figg would understand Sarah's situation, and certainly take her in. If you add a blurb why she can't go there, I'd be satisfied. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense that she's going to the Dursley's. What would Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia say if she turned up on their doorstep? (Maybe I'm going too far - is that the next chapter?)I really liked the allusion to the dementor incident and also of Sirius' Animagus of a black dog in that alley. It was such a bittersweet way to end the chapter. “Nothing,” he said sadly. “Just memories.” Now it's going to make me cry. Well, I loved it - really did, honest. It's not often I stick something on my favorites. Post the next chapter soon! I can't wait to see what happens, especially with Sarah Grey.
Crap. That was a review for chapter three. ::headdesk:: Why do I do these things?
Good chapter, I really liked the POV from Ginny. Harry dies while staring at Ginny?? True love, but I as a romantic think there should've been more suspense. Good job.
Marie, you are awesome! And totally hilarious! I can't, unfortunately, put all my favorite quotes here 'cause they'd be the ENTIRE chapter! I loved your disclaimers, and sorry, but I don't have the gold to buy the duck with the wooden club. Potassium explodes on contact with water? Hmm... gotta go find some potassium, a bathtub and little brother... :D
Author's Response: LOL. I know how little brothers can be. ;-)
HAHAHA very very funny! Blast, you're an awesome writer! Keep writing, this is going on my faves!
Author's Response: Yay! I love being in peoples favorits! Thanks, am working on it.
You'll hear this comment again and again, but your imagery was amazing. It left me with lingering pictures in my mind. I could see Harry with his marks of physical training, the shower (weird, but true) and the sky at the end. The formatting was nice, too - it added so much more tension and feeling to the story. This is an excellent one-shot in the sense that you've only defined what needed to be defined. You didn't skip over necessary details, or load us with more information than we can take. You wrote what we needed to know, than illustrated the plot with well-chosen words.
I loved the little details in this: the shower as a myriad of tears, the ceiling keeping him in. I can imagine that Harry has been sealed into his destiny ever since he was born, and never allowed to escape. Thanks, Lex. I've said before I can't wait to read more of your writing, and I'll say it again.I can't get enough of your fics - I've been reading for about an hour now. (And don't forget yesterday too!) I liked this one especially just because music is my life (besides Harry Potter, LOL) and I can connect to it a lot better. It made me smile to see Harry paired with the piano, Ron with the flute, and Hermione with the violin... it suited their natures so well. Though it wouldn't have been horrible if you had paired Hermione with the piano... Hehe, just kidding. ;)
I know that feeling of releasing, of telling stories when you play music of any kind... it's the best therapy in the world. The emotions all felt perfect as you described Hermione playing at the beginning. Another day had burned through her, another day had tried to tear her down, and Hermione coped by letting life slide into her fingertips. Exactly!Oh, one small thing I noticed... it's Pachelbel's Canon in D. :D
Darnit. It cut off half of my review. I think it's a coding problem, so I'm only posting the second part.
Not again! *glares* *sigh* Suffice it to say I love that song. Now...
I've heard stuttered versions of the canon, in fact, and I'm completely sure Hermione's is original. But it makes sense - it's so smooth, yet broken. And the way you related colours to everything was poetic in itself. But the nights are polished onyx and bruised purple, with streaks of burnished gold and polished amber. Plus the copper, gold and silver.
The only thing I really frowned on was the fact that Hermione taught Ron to play the flute so easily. It's completely different from the violin and piano. It does add more to the dreamlike tone, but surely he couldn't learn that fast... Nothing I learned while playing the violin helped me while playing the flute, except for notes, and even that was different, since flutes obviously play much higher. Perhaps he struggled with it, patiently trying to learn as Harry and Hermione master the violin and piano.Ron told of the dreary trudge of the day as he gently blew out "Allegro Con Brio." I don't know that song off the top of my head, but "allegro" means fast, and "con brio" means "with life." Is that such a good choice to play? *shrug* But the "Linus and Lucy" fit Harry so well, as he laughed with joy.
Your writing is beautiful, so different than the storytelling tone of most authors. Authors? No. More like a poet. I loved this one, and it's on to reading more! Great job, Seren. Keep it up.I really don't care how many times I say this: I love your fic! It's one of the best school-time Marauder fics I've read so far on MNFF, and it shouldn't be a surprise. There's lots of things that make this story stand out: characters who are actually... in character (*gasp*), great pace and storyline, excellent writing overall... etc.
Haha, loved the scene between Remus and Sirius in the beginning! Besides the fact that the way you write Sirius makes me laugh (“What, study? I know, it’s bad for my image. It won’t happen again.”) it was written with a more sensitive nature - very nice. I like this Remus/Lily/James (sort of) triangle you have going on. But I'll comment more on that later. Sirius and Remus' friendship was written well too; you can obviously see that it's Remus and James who are much closer friends.I like Professor Covas, actually. True, she seems evil and contrary at times (which doesn't bother me that much), but she's not the person to mess with, especially if Nyoka's on her arm. “Garlic!” she scoffed. “Are you fighting the Dark Arts or cooking cacciatore? Congratulations, you’re dead.” Priceless! And the lesson on fear was very nice. *applauds* Sounds like a real DADA lesson to me. You got to a point of Remus kissing a snake without any missing conclusions - after reading throught it twice, everything makes sense. And what’s one more scar on my face? Yeah, true that.
I thought the reasons why werewolves attack were interesting. I never thought about it that way! I just thought they had some innate sense to bite something, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense if you really do think about it. Great insight. :DThe last scene just made me smile all the way through. It was both playful with Sirius teaching Peter to duel, and touching, as Remus makes his tough decision. It's this kind of writing that just makes me want to read more of your fic! Hurry up and update! :)
I've been trying to review every member of SPEW, and because I clicked on your banner, here I am! (Psst.. your advertising worked.) I really did enjoy this first chapter. I loved the fresh dialogue and way you kept everyone in character. Literally everyone. I can talk about each of the Marauders forever, and perhaps I shall. :D
Firstly, the way you introduced Remus' age to us, the readers, was not sudden or unexpected. In fact, I had to read it again to find the age because it flowed so nicely with the paragraph. I hate when you get a fic where the author says something like, "This year was his fifth year." Yeah - so unoriginal. But I liked these sneaky hints you put in. Note: the first two paragraphs were beautiful, full of nice imagery and chock-full of sentence fluency.Ah, Sirius, the one whom all the girls swoon over. This version of Sirius was well-written, I think, because of his smooth dialogue and actions designed to impress the girls. :) And Peter... wow. I admit that I'm not too fond of Peter, and usually write him as too cowardly to be clever. But I found myself liking Peter in this fiction. You clearly demonstrated why he was a Marauder without overdoing it. “Oh yeah,” said Peter happily. “He’s not going to forget that for a long time.” Haha! That's a funny line.
Sirius' "row" with his family was very interesting! I think my memory's gone strange on me, but isn't it that summer that Sirius finds a place of his own? Or perhaps he's sixteen. I don't know. But having him talk about getting a new place just to get away and not have to depend on the Potters would be good, even if it's next year. I think you've summed up everything about the Marauders - they're really close, they'll stick with each other, and Snivellus. Dear old Snape. “But first, I’m going to play with the pure-bloods, like a good Black,” he said through gritted teeth and pulled out his wand. I liked this line too, except that it should be "purebloods." And the trolley witch confused me. At first, I thought that she only blamed Snape. But suddenly, she "flung out her arms and faced Sirius angrily." I can understand that she realises the conflict is between Sirius and Snape, but we didn't know she thought that Sirius was the cause. And perhaps you should include that she "faced Sirius angrily" but then turned to face Snape, because she yells at him right afterward.There were only a few minor errors with your story. On the whole, I was pleased by your clean writing without being too verbose, and the simple imagery. [Peter:] Stupid git… Hey Remus, what’s up? You look bloody awful.” “Right back at ya,” Remus replied. Would they say that in the seventies? I would question that. It seems more modern to say, "What's up?" and "Right back at ya." “Your damn right it was,” he said with a malicious smile. "Your" should be "You're."
And that leads me to my next point in this ridiculously long essay - the language. It's my opinion that if you have to put in cuss words, then you don't have anything to put there. Don't get offended! But I have a bit of a prejudice when I see those words. And it surprised me to see words like, "g*d*mn" and "Good Lord," because JKR is careful to avoid mentioning religion of any sort in her books. An easy one to go with is, "Merlin" or "Merlin's beard." Or you could twist it and say "Merlin's thumbs" or something like that. Go ahead! Be creative! And with the amount of language (though quite mild), I think you should change the rating. I noticed it was G-PG, and really, I wouldn't want a 12-year-old reading this material. If you change it to PG-13, then it should be more appropriate.I'm sure you've heard all of this twice already, but I hoped it helped! You have an excellent grip on wording and sentence fluency (which I struggle with at times). As this is an intro chapter, the plot hasn't started flowing yet, but I'm sure it will. I have yet to read your second chapter, and I'm excited to read it. Good job, BC! Loved it.
I don't have much to add after looking at your other reviews, but I thought you'd like some feedback anyway. :) I absolutely love Remus fics, as I'm sure I've told you before, and this chapter was amazing. You got inside his head so well, and portrayed everyone in character - James, Sirius, Peter, Remus of course, and even Madam Pomfrey.
I caught the reference to Lily in the first paragraph (almond eyes) after reading it twice, but oh well. At least, I'm pretty sure it's Lily. Why wouldn't it be? *shrug* I'm curious to see how close Remus is to Lily in this story, as I see so many different versions in fanfic. The entire beginning was written nicely, especially how you brought Remus back from the dream world. Peter is a Marauder (yes, emphasized) in this fic, thank goodness. You've written him so well, too!The part where Remus agonizes about James and Sirius' attitudes toward hardship is very insightful. He would gladly face a hundred Bludgers rather than spend one more night in this shack, facing the black whirlpool of madness that he couldn’t escape. I love that sentence, especially the part describing the transformation. And about the transformation itself... I’m Remus, my name is Remus, please don’t forget this time. Mmmm... I'm eating it up. That part was great.
I can hardly concrit because all I want to say is great job and give me some more of Remus! You've done so well so far. I'm really eager to read more, BC. So on to chapter three!
This review might sound rushed because I'm just itching to get to your next chapter! It just seems to get better and better, and I'm on your third chapter, for goodness' sakes. So... Yay for having Lily in this chapter! She was written very well too. I loved the way she was spunk and comfort at the same time. Lily shook her head. “No wonder you’re sick all the time, Remus. I can’t take much more of this.” Oh wow. That made me laugh a lot. I think I'll just list my favorite quote in each chapter, because that's one of them. :D
The first part of this chapter was full of imagery - "faint rays of light... dark purple sky," "shredded windowsill," and even "fresh patches of blood were soaked into the dusty floor." It was funny when he tried to levitate himself into the Hospital Wing instead of just walking. ^_^ Interesting that chocolate is a cure-all - I just thought it restored health when the soul was taken, albeit slowly (i.e. by dementors).Yes, more of Lily. Love how she hexed Bellatrix (or "Trixie" as Sirius calls her, lol) into a Medusa with a head full of lethal snakes. The way she hexed Lily seemed fitting too, instead of just having Bellatrix attack her for pleasure of seeing someone tortured. I'm pretty sure Lily knows what's going on, and is just testing him, or that she at least has a sneaking suspicion. She's clever, as Peter said, and able to use her head and the clues around her.
Great imagination on Sirius' wonderful storytelling - I laughed at that part too. Sirius concluded his speech by crossing his arms reproachfully. James shook his head. “That’s low, Evans,” he admonished. Peter nodded sadly and sighed. LOL! Especially James' comment. :D I love the way you inject humor into your otherwise darker fic.Overall, another great chapter! The scene with the Marauders and Lily in the middle had everyone in character again. I almost giggled at the end when Remus thought of Lily. On to the next chapter!