I'm not sure if you'll read this review - though I've just finished reading this, I know you've written this long ago. But just in case I wanted to let you know how much I've enjoyed this story, and I wanted to thank you for sharing this with us. I particularly loved the second chapter - you did an awesome job detailing how Charlie sacrificed himself, his thoughts & actions. (I confess, kleenexes were required). Thanks again ~ Remi
Author's Response: Wow, almost two years after, I finally answer to this review. Sorry, I was unavailable for two years, but now I'm back. Thank you very much for still taking the time to review "an old story". I just read it and again it stirred deep feelings within me. I work hard to put my emotions into my writing so that characters/actions/things do come alive. I'm glad that you've been able to feel it (that shows that I achieved what I tried, even if to a small extent :) ). Again thank you very much for reviewing! ~Astro
Brilliant! It was riveting. I couldn't stop reading (even to refill my fup of tea).
I loved that the reader really feels Sirius's struggle - he knows he must leave to sasve Harry, but how? I loved how you showed how Sirius starts feeling huma/aliven again - when he reches the ocean, when he sees land, when he reaches it.
Can't wait to read more chapters!
Wow. Where can I begin?
- I love your writing style. Your prose flows beautifully.
- You illuminate a depth to Ron that I unfortunately feel has been missing. Your Ron - while still canon-Ron - has more introspection and insight, is clearly srategic and intelligent. I love his analysis of Hermione and why he predicts she'll be the first to die and his self-analysis of why he could be the next Dumbledore. Your one-shot makes me like canon-Ron more.
- I love certain things that you wrote (others have mentioned this as well): Ron's using Voldemort's name in the privacy of his mind, of his knowing that Harry has "avada kedavra hate" (love that phrase) in particular. Great images. Great story.
Author's Response: It\'s always fun and gratifying to hear what others see in your stories. Ron isn\'t actually a favorite character of mine, but I found myself taken with a vision of him in a SS/HG, Falling Further In as a strategist. Thanks for the review.
This is beautiful. I will have to read Swift Small Birds now. Do not stop writing.
I really enjoyed the story. (I know I did, because I read it yesterday and I can't stop thinking about it).
But I have a suggestion: I think it might be more powerful if you don't reveal details on how exactly how Fred died in the first chapter; just make George wake before you get to it. Then, in chapter 3 when George tells Katie what happened, it's a surprise to your readers as well. This way the climax is not anti-climatic.
Looking forward to reading more from you ~ remi
Author's Response: Thanks! I\'ll definitely keep that critiqu in mind if I do any others similar to this. Thanks so much! I\'m flattered that my story has been on your mind! =) Thanks again for the review!
=) RP/Kate
The story is really interesting. Most of it flows really well, particularly the action-scenes - it was very easy for me to visualize the events taking place. (as I can't write these types of scenes to save my life, I'm envious.)
IMHO, the second para can be re-written to really suck readers in (it's too bland in comparison to the rest of your prose, and the word 'day' is repeated too often), and the ending can be made tighter/shorter. Again, just IMHO.....
Thanks for sharing! I look forward to reading more of your writings!
The Great Wizard War has ended and a lot of things have changed in the magical world as a result. Perhaps the most significant change is the fact that the existence of wizards and witches is no longer a secret to Muggles. Hermione Granger is the new head of the Muggle Liaison Office and her life has become hectic since the end of the war. Historically under utilized and under funded, the Muggle Liaison Office has become one of the busiest arms of the Ministry. Ten to eighteen hour days have become standard for her and it is beginning to take a serious toll on her personal life, namely in her relationship with Ron.
This story was written for the February One-Shot Challenge and got an honourable mention!
Hi, I just discovered mugglenet fan fiction a week ago, and though I've read about 2 dozens stories, yours is the first I've wanted to review. It was great. I loved that you kept the characters true to their essence (or the essence JKR has given them). It was also an easy-read in that both the plot and the prose flowed naturally. Well done!
Only one minor thing that jarred me - Hedgwig would've stayed for a reply from Ron, so Pig wasn't needed.
Looking forward to reading more one-shots from you.
Author's Response: That is an great point about Hedwig. I think you\'re probably right about that. If I get around to revising this story at some point, that is definitely a change/correction I can easily make without disrupting anything major. Thanks for that pointer. I agree with you. Also, thanks for leaving the review to begin with. I appreciate it very much.
What? It's over??? I want more!!!!
Can't wait for the sequel -- this was on-my-edge-of-the-seat good. Very well written. I am not a Draco fan. D/H pairing is not my favorite, but I really like it here. Bravo!
Oh - will the sequel mention what "the least time" was (from Draco's line, "It was just like last time but somehow it was worse")?
Author's Response: I\'m glad you liked the fic. I had originally intended the \"last time\" comment to refer to his last fight with Hermione, but I can see how it could also be applied to a previous failed relationship. Hmmm... I will ponder that a bit and see if it ever ties in well. Thanks for the idea!
Love the way you depict the complexity of being perceived as "perfect." Lily being dumped for the first time, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, needing to do something extreme & reckless ... all of it rings true. I can totally imagine Liy falling for James under the circumstances in your story. Very nice. Very romantic.
Author's Response: :D :D :D Thank you!
I honestly really like this! I re-read it to see if there're any suggestions I could give you, but I can't find anything "wrong" :)
Well done first-timer!
Author's Response: Thank you so very much! If you ever do find anything wrong in my story (I just submitted another chapter, but I suppose it\'ll be a while till it\'s validated), please do give me suggestions! =)
I honestly really like this! I re-read it to see if there're any suggestions I could give you, but I can't find anything "wrong" :)
Well done first-timer!
Great one-shot! How did you manage to realistically depict torturing on an animal? (please don't say from personal experience :) This scene is totally inline with Bella's character. Nice job!
Author's Response: *gigglesnort* Don\'t worry, I\'ve never tortured an animal myself, LOL. I\'m glad you enjoyed this fic, thanks for the review! :)
Wow - I loved this!
I love that the we get insight into Snape's past, that Fawkes goes to stay with Snape after Dumbledore's death, and specially that Snape's patronus - a rave, which is befitting for the bat-like man - becomes a phoenix.
I have to tell you, I was in a really awful mood today, and you're story really cheered me up (despite your up-to-the-reader ending).
Thanks!
Author's Response: Hi! I\'m glad this story cheered you up; I thought it was rather dark myself, but perhaps that bit of hope at the end was enough. Thank you so much for reading this story and leaving such a wonderful first review! I really appreciate it!! ~Gina :)
Another great chapter!
The parts I especially liked:
- "Definitely an 'H'" - reminded me of how once I was so tired, I forgot how to spell "him."
- Mrs. W discussing Ginny with Harry - her honesty & wisdom, and his awkwardness rang so true.
- Ron's hair sticking up in the morning.
- Harry keeping the number. I should've done that more often....
Author's Response: Thank you once again. You know, you should read over my shoulder as I\'m writing and wave pom poms or something. *wink* As always, I appreciate your sparkling review.
This is great!
Some of the things I loved:
- That we don't - at this point - know what Harry says in his letter to Narcissa. The fact that it causes her cry is very intriguing.
- Some of the imagery you use and just the general way you describe things, e.g. Narcissa looking as if she would "blow away in the winds of change now sweeping the wizarding world", the simplicity & weight of the note left with the wand - not "your wand", but "the wand that killed Voldemort", & the entire last para.
- Loved the magic of the mirror.
I read the story twice, and the only suggestion I have to improve it is a very minor one -- in the very first sentence, you use the words :light" and "room" multiple times. Try changing it - use "illumination", "parlor", "sun", "danced along the walls," etc.
Please don't think I'm being nit-picky - when the work is of a certain quality, the only suggestions left to make are the small ones.
Can't wait to read more. Good luck!
Author's Response: Thank you for the input. I\'ll take more care in watching my repetition as I edit later chapters.
You said this chapter was going to be warm and fluffy, but you didn't warn me that it would make me cry! Although Percy had already reconciled with the family, his hug with Arthur was very touching. AND you didn't warn that there would be a Malfoy-sighting! But I jump ahead ....
As usual, the things I really enjoyed:
- The teen romance part was very tastefully done with just the right amount of fluff to make me smile.
- Loved Ron's, "Well, we have the rest of our lives, don't we?" Totally see him saying this (by the way, of all the characters I think you definitely have Ron down pat). But his response makes me worried that the rest of their lives may not be as long as he thinks they'll be.... (please say I'm being paranoid.)
- As always, you do a nice job with details: laying out the dinner, descriptions of Kingsley's aura and Arthur's red eyes, the hexing of the garden gnomes who were pulling on the wet laundry, Ron's falling asleep and his "bloody hell" wake up greeting, the conversation of the witches in the elevators, the way the ministry employees voted (ingenious)... I could go on, but I'm worried about your ego.
Okay, now to suggestions:
- I think it could've been edited to make it tighter, but I really like your details & descriptions so I didn't mind.
- Kingsley wasn't one of the original members of the Order of the Phoenix, so shouldn't he say, "... none of the rest of the Order knew about" instead of "us"?
- Harry only mentions that he wants to be an Auror. Would've been nice if he had mentioned Ron, and it would explain why Ron & Harry were meeting Dawlish.
- Isn't Arthur the head of the Office of Detection & Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells & Protective Objects now?
- I may have misread this, but I thought Arthur was accompanying Harry & co from his office to the lift and to the large meeting room. So I was surprised when it seemed he was sitting on the stage -- when did he leave the group?
Since there's not so much in the suggestions list I guess you figured out I really enjoyed this chapter.
One question: Dawlish, head of the Auror department??? Isn't he a bit of a git? Or is this a subtle clue to something in the future?
Can't wait to read more. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. Keep writing.
Author's Response: Thanks yet again for inflating my saggy ego. Now, to respond:
-I\'m sorry I made you cry . . . okay, I\'m not really, but if it makes you feel better, I almost cried when I wrote it. I\'m way too sensitive.
-Sorry about the Malfoy thing. From now on, I\'ll be sure to give you a three chapter warning on everything that will happen. Or not.
-You\'re paranoid. Happy? I said it. Of course, I\'ve been known to lie . . .
-Thanks for the comments on the details. As for my ego, you needn\'t worry about it--I have a soul-sucking day job that keeps me humble. Yes, my boss is a dementor.
-I agree that it might have benefitted from a bit more editing, but since this is only for fun, I\'m not able to spend as much time as I wouild like on it. I recently completed the manuscript of a novel that I am hoping to have published, and the potentially paying gigs take precedence over the non-paying ones.
-Kingsley may have been more involved with the Order than what Rowling indicated in the books.
-Regarding Harry\'s conversation with Kingsley, Harry has proven over the course of the books that he can be selfish at times and I think this is one of those times. His great flaw, as Snape said repeatedly, is his ego and this is another example of his occasional \"me-first\" line of thinking.
-Arthur\'s office--Yes, but at the time I was writing I was too lazy to get up and go to my bookshelf to look up exactly what his title was. Perhaps when Bloomsbury or Scholastic call me up and want to publish this as the 8th Harry Potter, I\'ll edit that bit.
-Arthur left the rest of the group as they were going to the lifts, right before the aforementioned Malfoy sighting, saying that he had to speak with Kingsley before the meeting. Now, we know what they spoke about.
-Dawlish achieved the position sort of by default. I\'ll touch on this more in a later chapter, but I do have my reasons (insert maniacal laughter).
Thanks again, and be sure to email me with any information I should know before we run away together.
Author's Response: BTW . . . thanks for FINALLY marking me as a favorite. And Chapter 6--Aurors Alone--is now in the queue.
Wow, Lee - I don't know where you're going but I really am enjoying the ride!
- Loved the surprises in this one. I knew Dawlish wouldn't be happy with R&H being aurors but I didn't expect him to deny them. I didn't expect Hermione to be back in this chapter, and I certainly didn't expect the explosion.
- Some of your images that I liked: Mr & Mrs W's passionate kiss and H&G's reaction, Harry walking down the hall feeling like he was given a Dementor's kiss, and Ginny & George's improvized song (would've loved to see a couple of the lyrics of that).
- You really do have the characters down pat. I could totally see H&R not telling the Weasleys the truth under those circumstances, Hermione going off talking about the Australian ministry, Ron losing it with Dawlish (loved that he said, "looks like they need us if you're the best they've got"), and George giving his folks a hard time for their p.d.a. All very nicely done.
My only suggestions/constructive criticisms: one of the things that I really enjoy about your writing is your descriptions. You tend to have an almost poetic flair, and I can tell you invest time to do so. This chapter didn't have as much of that quality - understandably as it was heavy on action - but I missed not having more of those touches.
- Oh, and the anal-nitpicky part of me will not be quieted till I mention that Scrimgeour was the head of the Auror dept in Book 5, not Kingsley. (That part of me is hard to suppress, sorry).
The story continues to be great, and I can't wait for the next!
Author's Response: Thank you again and I hope you enjoyed your vacation. I agree that the chapter was a bit low on description, but this is the most action I\'ve had so far, so I didn\'t want to get bogged down. From now on, you need to sit by my computer and make sure I make any more mistakes like the Scrimgeour one in this chapter. Hopefully, chapter 7 will be devoid of any of those.
Lee, this chapter is great! A little romance, a lot of action, some emotional conflict & inner turmoil for Harry, plenty of surprises, and of course, some nice small touches. It’s very well-crafted and paced. What do I specially like? Well, where should I begin…
- the description of Harry’s fear of saying the words, “I love you” and his recognition that he has no excuse not to face his true feelings.
- Perhaps it’s because I have dark eyes myself, but I loved the description of Harry being drawn to Cecelia’s “irresistible orbit” and feeling a portkey-like sensation when he was with her.
- The dream of Ginny & Cecelia. JKR always included dreams in the books, some of them involving characters changing from one to another, so I thought it was a nice touch.
- The entire interaction with Griphook. You captured him perfectly – ego, pride, disdain, love of bloodshed, selective memory and all.
- The many surprises: a Stan Shunpike sighting, his being behind the bombings, the inclusion of Princess Di & Dodi Fayed – it works time-wise, doesn’t it? – and the whole “The Dark Lord is dead” & “Not for long” thing.
- The small touches – Ollivander’s presence, Madam Malkin levitation of a sales rack, remembering Dumbledore’s habit of taking the muggle newspaper, the disoriented feeling of being in a room full of glass, the return of sound reminiscent to that of the Triwizard task … I can go on, but then the review would be as long as the story.
Can’t wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: Again, you flatter me. You keep giving reviews like that and I\'ll have to grease the door frame to go to work every day. I am surprised that you didn\'t find an negatives, though. Makes me feel like you didn\'t read very closely ;) I do have to admit that this chapter was hard because what I wanted to write and what I actually saw happening turned out to be two different things and that slowed me down quite a bit. Well, that and other projects. Anyway, I plan to start working on the next chapter very soon (I have a little mini-vacation at the end of the week) and I\'ll try harder to find things for you to criticize in that one. Thanks again, as always.
WOW.
This is very different from JKR's world, but I do like it very much.
- I loved that you expressed a sentiment that I think was lacking in DH - that Harry should've been more appreciative that his relatives took him in even if they didn't want to. So your sentence, "Unwanted, but protected by their willingness to put up with him, Harry owed at least part of his survival to them, the last of his family," won huge points with me.
- Liked that Uncle Vernon is still the same ol' Uncle Vernon :)
- Really liked Harry taking offense to Figgy being referred to as "batty" :)
- Really like that you can picture all this happening right after DH. The use of Ron's deluminator, the mention of Hermione in Australia - nice additions.
- Liked the overall unexpectedness of this chapter. Who would've thunk?!
My two suggestions:
- While I liked that Petunia changed in her attitude about Harry, I still found it hard to believe that she'd bolt down the hall to hug him. Yes, I bought her concern for Harry as genuine, and I can even imagine her giving him the photo at the end. But I can't imagining her running to hug him. I see her more edging out from behind the door with an unexpected mixture of concern & relief marking her face when she admits, "You're okay. We were worried." But perhaps this is just me.
- Harry seemed to grasp the fact that Dudley did magic way too quickly. Perhaps add some inner dialogue to indicate that he had never before heard this happening so late in someone's life, if this could've been a fluke one-time occurrence, etc. That would lead nicely to Harry thinking of asking Hermione when she returns.
Just my two knuts.
Can't wait to read more! This really is on its way to being a favorite :)
Author's Response: There\'s nothing I like more than a detailed, well-thought-out review. Thank you! I\'m glad you liked those elements of the story. As for your suggestions, I agree that I was walking a fine line with Petunia. I think her actions in the chapter can be attributed to a combination of momentary weakness, more relief than she anticipated she would feel, and two rather large glasses of brandy before Harry\'s arrival. I agree that I might have benefitted from a little inner dialogue regarding Dudley\'s use of magic, but I think that he may have been too much in shock to really think about it until later. That\'s why I added the part about asking Hermione about it. It wasn\'t something he was prepared to deal with at the time. He felt awkward back at Privet Drive and didn\'t want to drag the trip out any longer than necessary. Still, great ideas and thanks for the review!
Author's Response: There\'s nothing I like more than a detailed, well-thought-out review. Thank you! I\'m glad you liked those elements of the story. As for your suggestions, I agree that I was walking a fine line with Petunia. I think her actions in the chapter can be attributed to a combination of momentary weakness, more relief than she anticipated she would feel, and two rather large glasses of brandy before Harry\'s arrival. I agree that I might have benefitted from a little inner dialogue regarding Dudley\'s use of magic, but I think that he may have been too much in shock to really think about it until later. That\'s why I added the part about asking Hermione about it. It wasn\'t something he was prepared to deal with at the time. He felt awkward back at Privet Drive and didn\'t want to drag the trip out any longer than necessary. Still, great ideas and thanks for the review!
FINALLY! I've been waiting so long, I was going through withdrawal :)
I really enjoy the plot twists in this (Dean re-entering Ginny's life, and specially the return of Rita Skeeter as a registered animagus), as well as those "small moments" (particularly when Harry sees Dobby's grave).
Please don't keep us waiting too long for the next chapter!
Author's Response: It\'s about time you reappeared. I have the beginning and the end of chapter 11, but I\'m still working on the middle. Or, at least, I will be as soon as I get over the flu. I should be able to finish it and send it this week sometime.