Oh Jenne this is even more exquisitely captivating than I imagined it would be. Siobhan is easily a favorite in BD because of her wit and mystery, but this one... oh this one is fun. From the first line, I was completely drawn in. I love seeing from behind her eyes. Seeing the other characters (not just the group of six, but the Malfoys as well) through different but extremely perceptive eyes was a treat. Your story is darker, more dangerous... I can feel it already. It's got me very very excited. Write on, my dear! (Oh and, I am inspired now. I shall make your Siobhan image, but I think I will now make it for this story rather than BD.)

Author's Response: Siobhan is a favorite in BD? Yay! I love getting to write a story through her eyes instead of Harry's, it's a nice change and a lot of fun. Dark and Dangerous - yes. And thank you SO much for the images, again :)

What a fun story you have going here! Just different enough from Hogwarts to give it its own flavor, but similar enough to stay true to the HP universe. I love all the political intrigue - definitely adds American flavor.

I'd like to see you add a couple classes in there that aren't at Hogwarts - something different to sink your teeth into and spark the readers' interest.

Also, where is your school located? It seems very east-coastish... I think it would be fun if you included some kind of magical musical program... like choir or instrumental. I've always wanted to see how wizards approached the musical arts. You could include things like other languages (latin for spellwork??), magical art/photography, "magemathics" (a precursor to arithmancy), magical theory (sorta like history... but more about the why's then the when's), and maybe even a magical healing class in their curriculum.... not all schools specialize in the same arts as we found in GoF. I think it would be interesting to learn more... and I think you're just the person to do this :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. Firstly, yes Wentwater is in the east coast. As you saw they leave from South Station in Boston, MA so that should give you an idea of where it is (I can't tell you specifically for obvious reasons.) I really like music (Music Performance major) and I had planned to include a Magimusic class, but it didn't serve the plot and that's what's important. There will be several references to music in the story, though. I'm fairly certain that the spells used are from latin origin so that's already in there. Any precursors to arithmancy will be discussed in Arithmancy class, that is, when they take the class in my third story. Magical theory is something that will be delved into during the 6th and 7th years, assuming Patrick takes those course, and since Native Americans do have their own brand of magic a course dealing with Shamanic and healing will also be available later on for study. It's not use having them learn it now. I had to decide whether I wanted to keep the classes the way they were or whether I should add things or take some away. Like I mentioned, some of the ideas you brought up will be seen, but others won't. I couldn't add classes just for the sake of being different. Seeing as Wentwater was founded by a wizard whose parent's were Hogwarts educated wizards, it is only natural that Wentwater reflect the culture it came from. After all, the American colonies, for a time, were a reflection of English culture. You'll see in the next chapter a bit more about Wentwater's past.

Author's Response: Also, I have this story planned out already so there's not much room for variation, at least not in the areas of adding classes and teachers.

One of the better post-HBP fics I've read. A few minor errors here and there, but nothing terribly significant. One thing I'd like to point out though, is your reference to muggle things where they could be replaced by wizarding references. Such as, Ron's snores sounding like chain saws - Mrs. Weasley probably doesn't even know what one of these things is - I would make an allusion to something from her world instead. Arthur also says he's going to "call" Moody and the others, instead I would say something like "floo" or "owl". All in all though, very nice start... I look forward to seeing where you are going.

Author's Response: Sorry...being a Muggle myself, I suppose sometimes it leaks into my writing. I couldn't think of any sort of magical thing that is the equivalent of a chainsaw, most wizards would probably just use their wand to blast down trees. As far as using "call" instead of "floo" or "owl", it's really referring more to the Order's way of communicating with each other via Patronus. They wouldn't be likely to say, "I'll send a Patronus to Moody".

Well darn! Such a stunning little gem you have here, and yet there is no continuation to be found! But alas, I shall review, because it's too good to go unreviewed—even if you do never plan to finish it.

Your inclusion of small, but wonderful trinkets of details is what really makes your writing so compelling to read. You use these simple and flowing descriptions, but you don't limit yourself to just pretty, flowering sentences. Lines such as, But no. Ronald Weasley was sitting in the Headmistress' office, picking at a scab on his face and waiting to be updated on the situation and He was daydreaming of his mother's mash when he was bumped into are just priceless. They add so much character to your descriptions.

The idea itself is completely intriguing, and at the same time, something that is very plausible. I enjoy every bit of the backstory, and only wish I could learn more. Who are these Lost Ones, really? What can they do for the Wizarding World? I want to know, I want to know! And this Copper girl... mmmmm I really would like to know more about her. You have this character, who has gone through her entire growing-up years as a hardened, self-sufficient Muggle, only to find herself thrust into the role of damsel-in-distress whose new home is a castle. For most of your readers, I'm sure they would kill to be in her position... but something tells me Copper isn't going to be loving this like we would.

"So what's these kids and the books have to do with me, and indirectly with the war?" asked Ron tiredly, trying to be polite. McGonagall smiled at his slightly.

The above line hits me as slightly off... I tried saying it out loud just now, and I found it rather difficult—it just doesn't seem like something anyone, least of all Ron, would say. Maybe, “So what do these kids and books have to do with the war? Or with me?” might work just a bit better. Also, I think you meant to have a word after “McGonagall smiled at his...”.

But this is just a nitpick... and you truly are a wonderful story-weaver. I never cease to be impressed by your work.

Wow. You're good; you're really good. You've managed to take the same beginning that so many authors are using – Harry at the Burrow after the B/F wedding – and have turned it into something new and wondrous.

You have beautiful, beautiful imagery. Every description flows and ebbs perfectly, lending a complete and colourful image to the reader. Also, the wide range emotions you manage to convey in this single chapter is incredible – fear, panic, love, devotion, rage, emptiness, sadness, and so many, many more.

This, coupled with the fact that you can characterise each character perfectly, makes this, in my humble opinion, one of the best Year-Seven fictions I have read. To elaborate on the latter, I just have to say that you have a wonderful sense of each character – Harry, Hermione, Ron, Bellatrix – they are all completely IC and believable. Not only that, but you add an extra something to each of them. You've let them grow, evolve, and this shows the true mark of mastership.

There are no major errors to point out, but I do have a few nit-picks.

Hermione’s smile broadened. “Ok.” -- “Ok” should be “OK” or “Okay”. I recommend the latter as you don't want her words to look like she's shouting.

Harry stared him cold in the eyes, searching Ron’s face. “She mine as well be,”... -- “mine as well” should be “might as well”.

Again, these are only nit-picks. You are a fantastic writer, with nearly impeccable grammar, and should not be discouraged by something nearly all of us do.

Also: great dialogue. I noted earlier your great characterisation, and the dialogue only adds to this. For instance:

“Ron,” he started, “She was crying. It wasn’t some deep, significant discussion on the meaning of life,” he finished, failing to sound casual and interested. -- GREAT! This made me laugh, in the midst of such somberness and angstyness. You're good at that – switching emotions on us to keep us engulfed.

I sincerely look forward to reading more from you... I will be adding this to my favorites. Thank you for a wonderful read!

Author's Response: *Gapes* Oh... oh my word! Thank you!! Please excuse my sputtering... I'm just so overwhelmed by your review. Such wonderful compliments! Wow. I am beyond thrilled that you enjoyed the first chapter. And thanks very much for pointing out those errors as well! They were both very helpful. I'm glad you mentioned the dialogue, too... I was a little worried about that. Your assurances have definitely boosted my confidence in that area, so I'll continue to use my current methods. Actually, your entire review left me bubbling with happiness, and inspired me to work on chapter three. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to leave your thoughts. I hope you enjoy chapter 2 just as much. <3

"Would you like to submit a review?"

Ummm YES, yes I would. Anna, dear, you are brilliant. I wish it had not taken you so long to post this, but I am so incredibly glad you did. Something this wonderful deserves to be seen, not hidden in a wittle LJ post to be viewed by only a select chosen few.

This is beautifully, beautifully written, wrought with wonderful imagery and descriptions. You're exceptionally good at this angsty suspence. The first time I read this, I was so wrapped up in your plot that I hardly noticed any of these so-called swedish-to-english errors. I'm serious, doll – you write so much better than most Americans I know.

You have this knack with words... you combine them in ways that are truly wonderful. You're good weaving sentences and finding interesting ways to convey what you're trying to say. I commend you for this.

Like I said before, your plot is flawless. Anna, you've got some really good ideas here. I've seen so many versions of Voldemort's hidaway – but what you have here strikes me as one of the most believable. The idea of how the darkest and lowest dungeons are reserved for the highest of Voldemort's command is so intriguing. I could truly see this being so.

Oh Anna, I have so much more to say... and for that reason, I may review again. But I needed to get this out now, and I needed also to tell you how proud I am of you for getting this up! You're a wonderful reviewer, a wonderful friend, and now we see that you are a wonderful writer as well. Go Anna!

Author's Response: So, here I am, finally sitting down and responding to reviews. And this, *looks at review from Haley*, is my first "real" one, ever. I'm smiling like a lunatic when reading it again (as I have done every time I've come back to look at it), from the very beginning to the end. But Haley, I don't just want to thank you for this lovely, spurring and thoughtful review, but also for your help getting this little story to the highly comfortable place it's in now. The time you devoted really made me realise what I already should have known was true - great advice from a great friend is one of the best ways one can improve. *huggles* So, thank you. For everything. :)

This is wonderful! You've certainly captured the essence of the Goblet, not to mention the underlying dark feeling of Gof as a whole. I'm not an expert on poetry, so I cannot give you any critique in that fashion. I can say, though, that your word choices are excellent, and your imagery is good.

There are a couple places where I might insert a word or change a word to make the rhythm a little smoother. For instance:

I warn you, be cautious might sound even better as I warn you, do be cautious.

At the top of the sky. seems week compared to the rest of your lovely poem. Soaring through the sky maybe?

Overall, nice job! Well worth the read. But to get more reads, I suggest that you tighten up your summary. Capitalize “Goblet of Fire”. And I suggest taking out “PLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE read it and submit rewies!”.... No one's going to want to read it if you beg. Especially since “reviews” is spelled wrong ;)

Author's Response: Thanks for your reply. I will certainly work on the summary! -Marvolo

Author's Response: Thanks a millions for your reply. I will surely see to it that the changes you suggested are made. I would also like you to tell me more topics for poems and stories related to HP which fans would enjoy. As this is my first submission to mugglenet, this means a lot to me. Thanks again and look out for my next poem. -Marvolo

Hello radcliffegrl4evr :) As a fellow writer of an American OC of Salem, I was curious enough to check out your story. And while you do have much potential, there quite a few things I'd like to point out to help you become even stronger in your writing.

Let's begin with your opening paragraph. It has potential to be strong... but as it stands, I'm overcome with the feeling of reading a terribly cliché description. “Her eyes like dark, melted chocolate” is particularly dangerous. Why don't you describe what's behind her eyes? “Her eyes, the color of chocolate, seemed to hum with intensity. They never left his own, and he felt as if he could read her very soul by looking at them.” Something, anything would help that one...

She told Harry about a wizard exchange program between the schools and the possibility of her signing up to spend a year at Hogwarts, shadowing Harry and learning the ins and outs of Hogwarts life. It was the perfect opportunity.

The perfect opportunity for what? How is this going to help him fight Voldemort? Will learning about the lifestyles of different wizarding societies aid him in understanding the strange society under Voldemort? If so, it is important for you to specify. As it stands, this just seems like you're grappling around, trying to find a thread from canon that you can twist to suit your purposes in forwarding your plot. I'm just not sure it's working...

The only other thing Harry did that summer was write to Angela. Mostly he wrote to her about what Hogwarts was like, what she would need, and went into as much detail as he could about the teachers and classes. He also frequently wrote about himself, his friends, and how eager he was to see her again.

I'm so confused. This just does NOT seem like Harry to me. After all he's been through, I just cannot see him suddenly falling for a girl and pouring his heart (not to mention deepest secrets) out to her on paper. Besides, if this is following canon, I have reason to believe that Harry would have much more important things on his mind—perchance, finding the Horcruxes?--that he would spend all summer doing. Spending every waking moment writing to a girl he has met only once just does not seem to fit into this parameter.

And, what Harry found most amazing about her, she was a Seeker on her school’s Quidditch team. However, to Harry’s great bewilderment, she also frequently pointed out her flaws, such as her tendency to sleep-talk, be obnoxiously loud, self-conscious, and get very angry at people for peculiar reasons, such as sniffling, mumbling inaudibly when they spoke to her, or moving their lips while they read. Harry wondered why she told him all of this but didn’t care, as long as she didn’t mind his tendency to skive off his Divination homework.

There are quite a few things I'd like to point out about this paragraph. For one, American schools tend to play Quadpot rather than Quidditch. For another, I'm not sure I like how you're telling us her flaws. For that's exactly it-- you're telling us. There's nothing here that's “showing” me anything about her... in fact, everything here is pointing directly to Mary Sue. And this is not a place you want to be hovering at all...

“No, Ron, I can’t say it does,” Harry replied hastily, pulling on his trainers and tying them hastily.

You've got two “hastily”s here.

“Why’re you so keen about being on ti… Harry, you great bastard!” A smile spread across Ron’s face as comprehension finally dawned on him.

Eeek... again, we have a bit of OOCness here. In the paragraph before, you have Ron saying “Bloody hell!” and in this one, you have him calling Harry a bastard. I realize they are boys and boys like to swear, but Ron's character is not one to randomly swear with every line he says. I'd check this... you could easily make his dialogue even stronger by not having him swear.

But realize that while I have many constructive criticisms, your ideas do have potential. Just keep at it!

Author's Response: Umm..okay. I think it\'s great that you took the time to try to help this story, but one of the awrnings on here is Alternate Universe. And Angela is not that Mary Sue, she\'s normal. You\'ll see later on why she had to warn Harry of her imperfections. You haven\'t read the whole story!

Author's Response: Pardon me. \'Warnings\' was spelled incorrectly on the second line.

Mask! How perfectly enchanting! I've read your writing before... but this... this was just something really special. You have this light humor paired with a flowing, serene narrative, and the dark undertones of prejudice and injustice. And then you have... this new, unique, but at the same time, rational storyline. It's a balance that works wonderfully, and I enjoyed every word.

Now, I want you to write more. And, consider for a second that you were to write more....

I'm intrigued by Jon... especially when you reveal what his “evil” inheritance is. It's something I've never considered, but certainly could lead to an incredible story... I do hope that's what you would do with this. Jon's story. It's so easy for “next-generation” fics (*cringes* I hate that term) to become cliché. But if there is anyone to write it.... it's you. A brilliant writer coupled with fantastic ideas? YES please!

But perhaps that isn't your intention at all for this story... perhaps you're focusing on Miss Sarah Grey. She's a character that I already can tell has a much deeper story to tell. I'd love to see how her soft demeanor affects the Potter family. How her presence in Jon's life influences him in the future... oh yes, so much potential here.

So, here's the thing. Next time I'm in a position to request something from you, I'm 100% sure that it will be something about one of the above two characters. Fantastic, Miss Mask... you really have me pining for more.

Ooohhhhh Kal.... *breathes long and hard* This was nothing short of exceptional. Every line, every word was chosen to perfection; every paragraph held a treasure, every sentence something to ponder over. You are good, Miss Kal. You are really, really, really good.

Your strongest point (though it is hard to pick just one) is your perfection in characterization. Not just in the way Ginny thinks, though that is, as she would say, brilliant—but also in the way she describes her siblings, her parents, Ron, Harry, Hermione. It's just all too good. And I also must commend you on your Brit-speak. Not one word out of place.

The flying... the reflection on Tom Riddle's possesion... the thoughts about her relationship with Ron, and later with Harry... it's just all so much GOOD. It's nearly impossible for me to find anything to critique. Usually, I would say that the extra space between paragraphs bothers me—but in reality, it doesn't, because your paragraphs are long and the separation is actually a nice thing. However, I might make it just one space between the dialogue, if that makes sense.

*holds up palms* I'm sorry. I have nothing else to offer you. I just skimmed it over again, looking for something—anything—that would lead to Concrit, but I'm drawing up blank. Instead, I'm finding myself reading over favourite passages and smiling.

You've been keeping this exceptional talent of yours hidden, Miss Kal! I might have to go make an announcement in the BA about what an incredible little one-shot you have here ;)

But, really... I cannot wait to see more from you. You're an extraordinary girl, a talented designer, and now, I see that you are a gifted writer as well. You're going to go far, girl.

Author's Response: Oh,Haley! *smothers with huggles*

Thank you for such a profoundly squee-ish review! Your compliments completely blew me away; I am so amazed and honored that such a fantastic person as you could leave a review like this. I love it, and I shall treasure it forever.

Thanks most of all for the comment on characterization. I'm glad to see that goal of mine reached - it was, admittedly, the one I was most worried out. And the Brit-speak, well, I have no idea about that. I guess it helps to have parents educated in British English and to say "h" funnily.

I shall have to go check that formatting out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for such wonderful praise in your exquisite writing style! I wish I could say more but...SQUEEEE was the only response fit enough for my happiness. Inexpressable thanks again =)

Mucho love, Kal