After having modded this one-shot, I thought – when seeing it in the review circle – that I should tell you how beautiful I found it when first reading it. I really liked how you portrayed Bella and Fiona, how you told about Bella’s lie in the hope of ever going to Hogwarts. I could really feel with her; I was sad when it came out she was a Squib.

And alas, it should be when rereading your one-shot for this review that I only then notice the story is written in present tense.

I really admire what you have built up with this one-shot. Arabella seems like a sweet girl with a terrible fate. She has no choice but to accept it, but she does everything possible to hold up, even for herself, the illusion of her being magical and one day being able to go to Hogwarts. Bella is written about in a very believable way, and even her parents are characters that live and feel. You’ve given the Lynchs a life, and it makes the reader feel sorry for them. You created a really fantastic atmosphere.

What you did really well was the dialogue. You have only little narrative around the dialogue to describe what the persons speaking are expressing – are they angry, exaggerated or happy? But with the dialogue you more than just compensate for that. The words spoken by the characters are enough to imagine the tone the characters use when speaking, in exactly the way you intended it, I’m sure. Wonderful job you’ve done with that.

However, I have some small nitpicks – and I’m a bit miffed at myself for not having noticed them before:

“Apparating” as well as “Disapparating” are capitalised. At least my (British edition) books have the words written in capital letters. If your books have it down differently, ignore little old me. =]

Instantly, I think, ‘Oh God! He knows my secret’, and I’m not far off. –– Thoughts are usually italicised. Also, because your dialogue tags are single, it’s a bit confusing if she spoke those words aloud or not.

I shake my head rapidly. ‘No I’m not!’ I say, a little too defensive. –– There needs to be a comma after “No”.

‘Your Mother and I have been talking,’ Dad says gruffly, startling me after his rigid silence. –– In my opinion, “mother” should be written in lower case in that sentence because she’s not spoken to but talked about.

‘Looks ok,’ I croak out. –– “Okay” should always be written out, not abbreviated.

‘You will write to Fiona this afternoon, informing her that you will be going to St. Mary’s. Not Hogwarts,’ Dad tells me, leaving the room before I can protest. –– I would replace the full stop after “St. Mary’s” with a comma; it just sounds a bit better in my opinion.

Also, what wonders me a bit, how can Bella write a letter to her sister when they’re on summer holidays? To me it seems that Fiona would be at home and not at Hogwarts when it would have been the time for Bella to receive her letter. The letters arrive at their recipients’ in July or August, I believe, by which time both Bella and Fiona would have been at home. A letter isn’t therefore necessary at this point. It’s nonetheless a nice part in your story though.


Tears splash the page as I feel the injustice. The ink smudges in places, but I don’t care. This’ll just be a pinprick to Fiona’s perfect world. My world is crumbling before my eyes though – it’ll never be the same. I hope my tears serve as a reminder to my sister that it isn’t she who has to go through this. It’s me.

This is such a wonderful paragraph. It tells the reader exactly what’s going on with Bella, what she’s feeling, and that she really loves her sister and would like to be with her, in Hogwarts. Also, it shows that she’s heart-broken and sad about her fate. You managed to draw the reader in so that we could feel with and for Bella. It’s my favourite part of the story, because it’s fantastically written and really spot-on.

When reading on, I get an answer to my question about the time when the letter is written. But still; the summer holidays seem to be about two months long – but when the parents go to fetch Fiona from the station at the end of July, there will be only August for the summer holidays. However, from canon we know that Harry had been in Privet Drive and thus out of Hogwarts in July because he had to celebrate his birthday at the Dursleys’ house. I doubt the holidays would have been only four weeks long at the time of Arabella’s childhood.

Fiona’s cold attitude towards her sister annoys me, but I can understand her. I wonder how I would react, and this is a good sign. When a story is able to have me feel for the characters and wonder how I would react in the different characters’ positions, then it’s definitely a very well written and believable story I’m reading.

Last but not least: Olive Figg – the name rings bells with me. I know that Arabella is later known as Arabella Figg, the old, cats-obsessed lady who sometimes took Harry in when the Dursleys went on a journey. Did Bella marry Olive’s brother? And who is Olive? Is she a Squib, too? I’ll end my many questions which could be answered in another story. You’ve created a wonderful basis for more stories around Arabella Lynch and Olive Figg. Please do write more about them.

To sum up, it’s a pity your story has not yet received the praise it is worth. I hope this review is a small compensation.

~Bine

Author's Response: Thank-you so much! I'll get down to those nit-picks in a moment - I don't know how I missed 'Apparating'. I know that has a capital. And I must've overlooked the holiday when I wrote it, so I'll do something about that :) And, Bine, nobody will spot every mistake first time round. :P

Olive Figg is an OC I made up because I think Bella would've married at some point. I imagine Olive as a Muggle. Somebody kind, and lovely, but shunned by her parents to boarding school because they don't partically want her. She has an older brother, who Bella would marry. I hadn't thought of writing another story about Bella and Olive, but now you've said it, the idea kind of appeals to me. And thanks again, Bine. That was a fantastic review. :) x

Mere, this story starts off interestingly. I really like the mystery you’ve created. What happened to Lily? Is she really dead? If so, where’s her body? Those are the questions that run through my head at the end of chapter one. I also like how you’ve written Sirius’ emotions, what he feels when he sees the blood. What he’s thinking, what he fears.

What drew me in was the light humour at the beginning. Being a mother hen, James had asked Sirius to stop by every once in awhile to check on his beloved wife – meaning he wanted daily reports that she was alive and coping without him. I laughed out loud when I read that. You might want to change “awhile” to “a while” though.

And then you dive into the angsty part, and the mood of the scene changes entirely. The change is done smoothly, captivating me right away. Awesome job. I especially liked those parts:

It looked as though Lily had taken paint and splattered it all over the chair.
Red paint.
Crimson paint. Scarlet paint. Blood red paint.
Blood.

and

It screamed of eeriness. It screamed of stillness. It screamed of emptiness.
It screamed of death.
The death of Lily Potter.

They fit the scene so nicely, and the repetitive pattern of the sentences let a cold shiver run down my spine. It’s spooky, the scene and the way you set it. You’ve worked magic here.

Wonderful chapter to start off with. I’m looking forward to read the rest.

~Bine

Terri, that was lovely. A cute little Christmas story, with lots of sadness over Fred’s death, but “sunny” moments as well when children were laughing. Really good. I especially liked the symbolism you used with the Golden Gnome; and I have to admit, I forgot that the twins used a gnome instead of an angel for the top of the tree. Your story brought the memory back. :)

I love the little dialogue Arthur and Fred have when Arthur tells the boy about the twins’ gnome-“joke” some years back. It was so sweet. And this line is really fantastic and true on so many levels:

Arthur knew that he could not lie to the child.

First of all, children will notice – not always, but very often – when someone is lying; they’re still so innocent but at the same time perceiving so much more than adults. And it’s so lovely that Arthur has such a good heart that he can’t bring himself to lie to little Fred. It’s just such a great line which I adore.

“Make him gold, Grandpa,” he said.

This is so sweet, too. Simply lovely. It fits so very well into the Christmas time.

But nitpicks: commas. I noticed some missing ones as well as unnecessary ones – at least unnecessary in my opinion.

It amazed him every time, when everyone came home at the same time just how noisy this house could be.

I’d say there should be a comma after “same time”.

George, Angelina and their two, in his old room;

In my opinion, the comma after “their two” isn’t needed. In the other listings of the sentence you didn’t use one.

The only new addition was Teddy and he was only there for a few hours in the afternoon.

I’d put a comma after “Teddy” because in the first part of the sentence, “new addition” is the noun whereas in the second part, it’s “he”, referring to “Teddy”.

Next year there would be a new baby as Ginny had told them just last month she was again expecting.

Shouldn’t there be a comma after “next year”?

Arthur was so deep in thought; he didn’t hear the patter of the tiny feet coming down the stairs.

The semicolon should be a comma. Otherwise, the “so” in the first part is unnecessary.

He smiled down at him to soften the gruff question and sliding his chair back, opened his arms for Fred to climb onto his lap.

There should be a comma after “gruff question”.

Arthur stopped talking briefly wondering how to explain to a five year old why he had the name he did.

As far as I know, there should be a comma after “briefly”.

“I can help, Grandpa,” Fred said squirming to be put down.

I’d say there should be a comma after “Fred said”.

He went directly to the tree and lifting Fred up onto his shoulders, helped him to attach the gnome to the top of the tree.

Like a few sentences above, I’m pretty sure there’s a comma missing after the first “tree”.

What I don’t know, is why you two decided to use a gnome,” said Arthur.

The comma after “know” is wrongly set, in my opinion.

George turned and started towards the kitchen followed by Arthur.

After “kitchen” should be a comma.

Several hours later all the presents had been opened and dinner finished.

There’s a missing comma after “hours later”.

Every adult stood at the same time and rushed into towards the noise.

*confused* Could it be that the “into” should be a “to” only?

“Grandpa, Roxie spoiled our surprise,” Fred said looking at Arthur.

Again, there’s a missing comma, after “Fred said”.

*looks back at the listing* Oops, hehee… *hides* Well, I suppose since I’m modding, I’m more and more into commas. Lol

Ron looked around the table. Smiling, he said, “We’re pregnant.”
“We?” asked Hermione.

*giggles* Nice!

Arthur looked at his son and grandson. He knew Christmas would never be the same without Fred, but, perhaps, it could still be something special.

Beautiful ending, really sad and yet happy-hopeful at the same time. Well done, my dear.

~Bine

Aww, what a sweet ending. Also, what began as a George/Hermione date, ended as George/Angelina. Nicely done, Carole. I enjoyed it very much.

The description of the scenes was splendid. The entire time, I envisioned the ballroom to look like a crystal cave.

I found the characterisations to be done great. The groaning of Hermione over Ron gave an added touch to the two’s quarrels in their relationship, giving it more depths. But nonetheless, it shone through that Hermione still loved Ron. What I thought to be a bit over the top was Viktor Krum. I can imagine he’d be surprised and angry to see someone else wear the robes he ordered, but in my eyes, his reaction was a bit too strong. I would have rather liked to see Krum being a bit calmer about the entire situation.

What I also noticed were some punctuation mistakes. For example, in the sentence Okay, I’m calm now, lead the way, Oh heir of Slytherin , the second comma should be a full stop, thus dividing the sentence into two, or a semi-colon. Also, shouldn’t the “oh” be in lower case? Another example would be Hermione, don’t be daft, you’ll love the Winter Ball. where the second comma should either be a full stop or a semi-colon. Furthermore, in the first quarter of the story, you didn’t italicise thoughts, and in the sentence “George,” said Angelina in delight, “How wonderful to see you., the continued speech needs to begin with lower case. I noticed that mistake in several places and not only in this one-shot. This and commas instead of semi-colons or full stops seems to be a greater problem of yours.

But all over, the one-shot was fantastically written and an entertaining read.

Author's Response: Hi, Bine. Thank you for the review. I'm very pleased you liked the description as it's something I had to work at for this - description is not my strong suit. And neither is punctuation - LOL. Actually, I understand the rules much better now (thanks to people like yourself explaining!) so I have far less errors in my later stories. It's amazing the difference five months can make *grins*. I think I've caught all the errors now. Thanks again for keeping me on my toes. Carole xxx

After modding the one-shot, I had to leave a review, telling you how much I loved reading the fic in the queue.

The beginning is awesome. We get to know Dominique as a dreamer, a person good at imagination. I think it’s been a very good idea to show a daydream of hers, walking down the aisle as the bride instead of standing next by as the Maid of Honour. But life isn’t a dream; it’s hard reality. And Dominique comes crashing back down into that reality all of a sudden which makes me feel pity for her.

I really liked how you fleshed out Dominique. She’s appearing very real, as if I stood next to her and could start a conversation right now. She’s so lovely, and I can see why Teddy would like her and prefer to play with her rather than with Victoire. Also, what I found really great was that in her appearance she is like her older sister, but without that star-like gleam that seems to surround Victoire. It was nice reading this. I was very much able to relate to Dominique’s feelings, that she would hate her sister for always being in the centre of attention, but at the same time she still loves her because they are sisters. It created an inner conflict within Dominique which you have drawn and written about fantastically.

It’s not easy to live with a rainbow. How could it be? Being her sister is like being the sister of a queen or a star. No matter what I do, it’s nothing compared to Victoire. She’s the sun, and I’m just the pinprick of a laser. In school, at home, Victoire was number one.

That’s a wonderful part, playing with simple enough imagery everyone can understand to describe Victoire’s superiority over Dominique. It’s one of my favourite parts in this one-shot.

He saw that I was different from Victoire – maybe even better.

This marks where it starts really getting so beautifully sad. Dominique knows Teddy recognises her as equal to Victoire and has respect and love for her, too, and yet he chooses the older sister. I was mesmerised with your story from the beginning, and yet this one sentence was the turning point that captured me completely. It nearly brought me to my tears.

I also liked the interaction of Dominique with her father while dancing. Bill had this wise aura. He loves his daughters and wants no one hurt, that’s clearly visible, but he also wants the family to be friendly and peaceful with each other. He doesn’t want a rift between his two daughters over the same man. And with Teddy out of reach for Dominique, he needed to act, and he acted brilliantly. I simply love the dialogue you have created for the father-daughter-talk. It’s precise to the point and sincere in meaning and sense, but it’s still humorous enough to lighten the sad mood of the one-shot. Fantastic job.

I don’t know it now, but I will. Teddy Lupin will always be a friend, but over time, he’ll stop being the love of my life. Instead, he’ll morph into my sister’s husband, my nieces’ father, my brother-in-law. I will always have a fondness, a tender spot, for him and I’ll always imagine, but that’s all it is. No longer longing and wanting, merely imagining.

This is a very beautiful ending and paragraph. It’s foreshadowing and yet not giving anything away. Also, it leaves things open for a sequel. It’s nothing definite concerning the story’s status but a definite ending in Dominique’s life.

I really hope this one-shot gets showered with reviews because it has clearly earned it.

~Bine

Let me begin with how much I love this story. It’s so wonderfully describing Christmas seen by two children as well as the rather stiff and cold traditions of the Black family.

I adore the way you started. You begin with both boys in the early morning, and the way Regulus pokes Sirius to get up reminds me of what my younger sister used to do when we were little. It draws me in immediately because I can rely to what both boys feel, and I get excited, too.

When reading on, I discover small but beautiful details like The sky outside slowly started to lighten as dawn came closer. The two boys were still sitting in their beds wearing their pyjamas, surrounded by ripped wrapping paper and piles of toys. It adds more to the lovely scene you’ve drawn until now, but with Kreacher’s entrance, this peaceful morning finds an end:

In their house, breakfast was served at half past seven each morning, and they all had to be sitting at the table by then. Being late was not an option.

Now the real Black Christmas begins, and these two sentences convey that in a simple yet subtle way. Also, this already gives us inside into the rules of the boys’ life – another detail enriching the story in a very charming way.

I also like the way you described the Black sisters. I could easily imagine myself sitting in the drawing room when they enter and see them standing there. And the way that Bella and Sirius stare at each other until the older girl turns away conveys two things to me: Firstly, they didn’t like each other very much despite being blood relatives, and secondly, with Bella looking away, it shows that Sirius was the stronger one of both despite him being younger. He’d already been powerful, as the heir, and I love the subtle way you showed that.

However, the silent and stiff atmosphere that has by now grabbed my heart, too (but not in a negative way), is lightened up again when Uncle Alphard appeared. Sirius clearly loved him, giving him a hug right away. Sirius jumped into them, giving his uncle a hug, but Regulus hung back, glancing at his parents nervously. They didn’t really approve of showing outright affection, such as hugging and whatnot. I love that you wove those two sentences into the paragraph. It’s beautiful and again rich in details, telling me a lot about how Blacks raise their children. Simply brilliant.

The exchanges between Sirius and Bella and later between Andromeda and Sirius are lovely to read. They tell so much between the actually spoken words about their relationships, the characters’ feelings, and I adore the way you characterised them all. Sirius is spot on, like I imagine him to have been at that age. Also, the sisters, first and foremost Bella and Andromeda, are characterised in a very good way. It adds to their beliefs, their education, to how they turn out years later.

Though, I wonder if any of the children would have used “Mum” or “Dad” when talking to or about their parents. I myself have always imagined them to be more the kind of people who say “Mother” and “Father”, because it adds even more to the Black’s belief of being practically royal. They feel like aristocrats, and saying “Mum” and “Dad” takes that feel a bit away, in my opinion.

Also, at the beginning, there are these two sentences:

‘Really? Wow! Thanks! This’ll be so much fun ... just wait until Bella hears you have a broomstick ...’ he kept talking, but Sirius was no longer listening.

Here the “he” after you close the speech should be capitalised. The ellipsis at the end of the speech shows that Regulus keeps babbling on, so you don’t need a dialogue narrative. The sentence afterwards can stand alone, so the beginning should to be capitalised.

But other than what I already said, I most of all love the relationship Sirius and Regulus have in the story. It’s very brotherly, and I’m in awe how you convey that. It’s brilliant, and I love it. And my absolutely favourite part of the one-shot is this one:

‘Eat your vegetables, Reg,’ Andromeda teased, when her cousin ate just his roast and left the vegetables sitting on the plate. He scowled at her, and she grinned back, taking a bite of her carrots. He raised a forkful of beans and aimed it at her. Bellatrix raised an eyebrow, waiting to see where this would lead.
‘Whoa,’ Dromeda said. ‘Put the fork down, Regulus.’ She glanced at her parents nervously; they were roaring with laughter over a joke someone had just told. However, Sirius doubted they would be so happy if Regulus started throwing food.
Thankfully, Regulus shoved his fork into his mouth instead, and gave them a smile filled with vegetables. They all groaned in disgust, looking away as he piled more food onto his fork. Dromeda threw a napkin at him playfully.

Thank you so much for that wonderful SPEWly Christmas present. *hugs*

~Bine

Author's Response: *flail* Oh, thank you, Bine! What a fabulous review. I'm so pleased that you liked it so much. I was a bit wary of my characterisation, so to hear someone say that it's good just warms my heart. ^_^ I see what you mean about Mum and Dad - I just didn't think about it when I was writing, I guess. I'll probably go back and change it soon. Thank you again, dearest!

What an interesting character study. I really liked it. In my opinion, you showed Lavender's dilemma really well. Of course she would be afraid of the situation, more so that her mother was a Muggle-born; who wouldn't be afraid in dark times like these? I especially loved that Lavender kept repeating the promise she had given her father (to keep a low profile) over and over, to remind herself that it was dangerous to meddle with the Carrows and Snape. You perfectly showed the angst she lived through, and that in dark times like these, friends show their real selves. Do they fight, no matter the cost, or do they hide like a coward?

What really clicked was at the end when she decided to break her promise and fight against the terror regime. It was a very powerful scene to show her nearly broken after what Crabbe did with her and remember the last words her mother had said. They conflict with the promise she had given her father, but they give her the strength she needs. You showed that extremely well in just a couple of sentences.

I also liked the twists you included with Crabbe lusting after Lavender. He comes across as the biggest git ever, someone I don't want to cross. He's changed a lot from what we know from the earlier books, but it fits completely with what we get to see of him at the end of DH.

Zabini is an interesting case as well. He's really reserved and cool, proud to have been made Head Boy. I liked the scene of his calm attitude at the platform, when he overhears Lavender and the girls talking. The way he talked makes him even more dangerous than he already is.

I found it quite surprising that he is a half-blood only. But it fits the way you characterised him. Though, still, I can't shake off the feeling that the scene where Zabini rescues Lavender from Crabbe's assault is a little overdone. Would he really tell Lavender his little secret? I assume his mother has told him and no one besides both knows Blaise isn't the child of Mr Zabini. And with Voldemort at large, wouldn't everyone not being a pure-blood and following the views of him and his Death Eaters be in danger, even half-bloods? Blaise has the perfect chance to say he's a pure-blood but he simply gives away the secret, to a Gryffindor no less? I doubt he would do that, even if he wanted to protect Lavender and help her out of the situation she was in. He didn't know if he could trust her. After all, she could have gone and told people about it. I doubt she would, but Zabini doesn't know that. I find that you have gone a little bit overboard here. However, it provides an interesting reason for him to show up and save her, and I liked how you used that to characterise Zabini, despite me being conflicted with him giving away the secret about his blood status so easily.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter. You showed splendidly the situation Lavender, the DA members and everyone else find themselves in, the relationships between the various characters and how they try to deal with the fear Voldemort creates as well as the inner conflict Lavender has to battle out with herself. You balanced out narration and dialogue nicely, allowing the story to flow smoothly and be easy to read and follow – and of course enjoy.

Great work, Carole.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I take your point about Blaise admitting he was a half-blood to Lavender especially as she's a Gryffindor. I wanted a bit of dramatic licence, I suppose, because this was only going to be a oneshot (I say that a lot) It is explained more fully in the next chapter about his parentage and also the reason he told Lavender is hinted at too. At this stage, though, Lavender doesn't know what his parentage is. She doesn't know that he's not the son of Chester Zabini. A half-blood is basically anyone who can't prove their pure-blood line going back generations, so until Lavender looks into it - it could be his mother was a half-blood or something. As far as Lavender telling people - well, Blaise said it all really - who would believe her? I shall, however make sure I include that thinking in chapter three. So, Bine, my love, thank you very much for pointing it out. I think you've saved me from a glaring plot hole.

Your review, as ever, has given me much to think about. It is lovely to have your view as well as your wonderfully constructive criticism. Thanks again. Carole xxx

Interesting one-shot, Carole. The narration is tastefully done and the story reads fluent. I enjoyed reading it. Also, you characterised Severus and his misery nicely, and I could clearly picture the entire scene. Great job. And now I feel so sorry for Sev… *sniffles*

A few nitpicks though:

At the beginning, you hyphenated “Mudblood”, and in the sentence “So, Severus,” he said, “Did you hear about my O.W.L.s?, the continuation of speech needs to be in lower case. And I think you got confused over the Black brothers in the sentence Stunned to be included in a conversation, Severus began to congratulate him, aware nevertheless that Regulus Black was barely listening.. When Regulus was talking to Sev, how can he be the one listening into their conversation? Shouldn’t that be Sirius?

All in all, nice one-shot. Loved it.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review, Bine. I shall deal with the punctuation lapse and the Mudblood hyphen. This was written so long ago, I guess I forgot. No, I got the right brother. Severus is congratulating him, but is aware that Regulus isn't actually listening. Regulus only spoke to Severus to wind up Sirius - he's not actually interested in his replies. Thanks again. Carole xxx

Continuing straight where you left off at the end of chapter one, the story never loses any of its charm. Like others already said, the plot is original and placed neatly into the wizarding world. Your characterisation is one of the best I’ve seen and everything together – plot, characterisation, the gravity of the story – creates a wonderful mix that is an enjoying read and educating at the same time.

What I liked especially was that despite the seriousness of asthma and how Ginny and Harry try to work around their daughter being ill, you still kept the story light-hearted enough to cause some funnier moments – well, at least funnier for me. I chuckled a bit at the end especially: “HEALER?” the doctor exclaimed. “You took your baby to a new-age crackpot?”

Can’t wait for chapter three. Please update quickly.

~Bine

Author's Response: EEEP! can't believe I didn't respond to this. Wow! I haven't written this fic for ages. I MUST get back to it. There ahould be two more chapters ... I just need to write them. Thanks Bine, I adore your reviews- they're so friendly.

Carole, you’re such a great poet. I enjoyed it when I beta-read the poem, and now that I reread it, I enjoyed it even more. You’re truly talented on various fields, and poetry is one of the stronger ones. You should really write more.

The poem has style, has a fantastic story intermingled with irony and the more important one for me: it has rhythm and rhyme. And especially with the last two, it makes it so easy and fluent to read. Wonderful job, dear.

Also, the first stanza where you wrote about becoming a star being such a difficult step for someone so young, it holds so much truth to our time, and is done exquisitely. And interesting turn at the end with Chester’s family name being Zabini; you gave the entire poem a surprise twist, making it even more interesting to read and enjoy. Absolutely fantastic job, hon.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, Bine. It means a lot because you are such an accomplished poet. I used to write a lot of poetry (some of it was truly dreadful) but I got out of the habit. Perhaps I'll dust off my old poetry book from college and Potterfy some verses. Thank yoy again. Carole xxx