Hey!

First off, unique idea. It was very interesting to read.

I loved the characterisation - of Savaric especially. The typical pureblood. I liked his sexism toward Isla and her calm way of dealing with his temper. It’s intriguing to wonder what was going on in her head - I think I would’ve been furious, but that doesn‘t seem to be a part of Isla‘s character. At least in this situation. xD

I like that Savaric believes in the old ‘boys beat girls’ thing. Obviously, he doesn’t like losing to anyone, so losing to a girl… Lol. And, is Isla his love interest? I haven’t read ‘Shining through Blackness’ yet, so I don’t know, but that‘s the impression I got in places.

This piece flowed really well - you must’ve worked well together to get it so.

Two nit-picks:

Sighing in silent disappointment, Savaric pulled back but didn’t let yet go of her. -’let go of her yet’.

‘A game?’ she asked confused, looking up at him. - I think there’s a comma after ‘asked’.

Good work!

xx

Author's Response: Thanks, spire! I'll look into your nitpicks.

Isla is Savaric's fiancée, and the engagement had been arranged by their parents. He wanted her and got her hand for the engagement, so yes, she's his interest. But if you want to know why he wanted her, whether or not he feels something for her and if they're going to get married in the end, you'll have to read "Shining Through Blackness". ;) *hintnudgeshint*

Lex, this was … >.> wow. I love the narration - it’s like that typical of these sorts of tales, which makes it all the more enchanting. Further more, I liked the little prologuey bit you did before ‘once-upon-a-time’. It was effective, and set the scene well. And your use of language. Ah, the language. XD A lot of the phrases you used were really good, and helped to weave that bit of magic into the story.

It was rare to ever see these men again. - I love how you left this out of any paragraph. It really made it stand out, and made the tone slightly darker, you know?

Just like all those returning men, left alive without living. - the last line, and by far my favourite. It makes it out as if the same thing has happened to her as all the men, but it’s her doing it, right? Haha, I know that because I think I visited the title thread. Plus, the title.

Good work. x

[ps: I liked the summary too. You are good at them]

Author's Response: Ahh >.>

Such an amazing reveiw. Thank you, lol, seriously.

I'm glad you liked the language :) That took me forever with an online theosaurus, lol. But I wanted it to sound like a real fairy tale. So yeah, I'm glad you liked that :D

Hehe, I liked that too! Lol, and the last line was my favourite. At first we thought it was incomplete, but I felt it should stay the way it was. More effective, I thought :)

Yeah, lol. Just give away my plot I don't care! Lol, jokes :P

And the summary! Yay! Thank you SO SO much! Lol, I'm HORRIBLE at summarys, but THANK you! Lol. :D

-Lexxx

This was a good introduction. You built up the atmosphere in the Ravenclaw Common Room well, and by the end, I could feel the awkwardness of that silence. The unity in the house was interesting, and it gave us an insight into the character of the house, which was nice because you draw comparisons with Gryffindor as you read, so it shows how the two houses are different, even if that‘s not the aim of the story.

I loved your Luna characterisation; not having her react was good, just how it would be.

“The thing is such an idiotic rag,” one of the seven-year prefects complained. “Why would the Ministry even care what stories they were printing?”

This was a well-placed line, because until you move onto the next paragraph you think they’re talking about the Prophet, which of course fits that description, too.

discuss topics of both ancient history and current events. - ‘discussed’?

Good work, hon. xx

Author's Response: I'm happy you like how Ravenclaw was described. I felt like they were so badly ignored in the books, and that this story will offer a true insite into their lives.

Well, Bine, I can’t resist Rose/Scorpius, so I love this. It’s a sweet take on the pairing, and you’ve written it really well.

What I liked most about this story though, is the memories from Rose’s PoV that are interwoven throughout the story. They’re all simple and brief, but it’s like a subplot to the graduation party, as it shows how their relationship progressed through all the key events. Although I would say that the first one confused me a bit, because you don’t mention a cousin until he stands up, and I wasn’t sure where exactly he was. If you know what I mean. :/

Except for him.

I have to say, isolating that line is really effective. It’s short, to the point, but having it on its own really emphasises what it’s saying.

[…] on this party. […] to powder her nose or she’s outside on the grounds […]

Well, I’m going to be really nit-picky about that line, and say the ‘on’s would work better as ‘in’s. I think.

Scorpius felt refreshed instantly […] definitely fresh air hitting his face

I love this line because it addresses that sense well, but you repeat ‘fresh’, and repetition distracts me when I read. Maybe change ‘refreshed’ to ‘revitalised’ or something like that? Then it is essentially the same.

‘You’re welcome,’ […] any distraction she welcomed […] She held up her hand for him to shake.

You repeat ‘welcome’ there. And I’d say ‘held out her hand’ unless he’s really much taller than she is, but as they’re eleven at this point, I find it doubtful that he would be.

With the first tunes of the song - the first ‘beats’ of the song, maybe? ‘Tunes’, to me, indicates a short, but whole, song.

homework can only last as long - ‘last so long’

and winked her while - ’winked at her’

She had an own microphone - ‘her own’

Scorpius face lit up - you need an apostrophe after ‘Scorpius’.

Sorry for being so nit-picky. >.> I do that.

Otherwise, the lyrics weave really very beautifully into the story, and I loved your changed ones :D Oh - and your descriptions of the dance floor were love. I could imagine all the kids dancing, and coming together.

Good work. xx

Author's Response: Aww, thank you, Spire, for the fantastic Easter egg. *hugs*

As for the first flashback: That was on Rose and Scorpius' first train ride. Scorpius asked if he could sit in the compartment. And I didn't need to mention James before he stood up because Rose knew he was there and needn't acknowledge it earlier. Besides, the flashbacks are from Rose's POV.

As for the nitpicks: They help making the story better, so don't feel bad about being nitpicky. And about the "on this party", I just remembered that it should actually be "at this party". :p The other suggestions I took on board.

Thanks again for this fabulous review. :]

Oh, Carole. This was so wonderfully emotive, though very subtly done. Usually I don’t read marauder-era, but I couldn’t resist seeing what you’d done with this prompt, and I’m so pleased this is the story I chose.

At first, I couldn’t really see the relevance of the summary of the event leading to Sirius being locked in Azkaban that was woven throughout the story, but by the end, I realised that they are almost the point of the story. As I read I started to see how Sirius picked on Peter for little things, while James and Remus were kind, and didn’t. And then, the last italicised phrase finalised that idea, and it was as if Sirius had led Peter on to get to that point; it was a great endnote too, by the way.

I liked how you wrote this in the present tense. You used simple phrases, it was from Peter’s pov, and I felt as if that gave me even more of a feel for the character that you’d fleshed him out as. I liked how the Marauders treated him as an equal, and Peter felt perfectly at ease with them. So many fics just cast him to one side, but you’ve shown he is on the same level, which he obviously was. Why else would he be trusted as Secret Keeper? An animagus? A part of the Marauder’s Map? In fact, he’s possibly just as central to the group in this as Remus. I did notice he said very little in comparison with the rest of them though, which I found very in keeping with what JK showed us of his character.

Now, one person that really struck me was Regulus. I liked how Sirius wanted him in their compartment, and wanted him to be a Gryffindor. Maybe his motivations were against the Black family, but I got a feeling that he actually wanted Regulus in his house. But the scene shows how Sirius goes a little too far sometimes, he pushed his brother just a tad too much. I’m curious to know where Regulus went after he left the Marauder’s carriage. Do you think he went to sit on his own, or maybe with some Death Eater wannabes? Hm.

“A hawk, I should think.” Sirius snorts. “Something with good eyesight so he can get rid of those ridiculous glasses.”

I laugh. “Or a cheetah.” Sirius looks puzzled so I explain, “he could finally catch up with Lily, then.”

I love that part because it shows us that Peter is a Marauder, and accepted as such. Very simple dialogue, but it said a lot to me.

Now, Remus. You never have Peter tell us how they find out about Remus being a werewolf. One year he considers that his dad might be beating him, the next he knows, and I liked that you didn’t tell us they’d found out. This is because it seems so much more out of Peter’s head that way. He knows what’s happening. Why would he explain that to himself when he thinks about it? That way, I felt more as if I were there... If you know what I mean. :P

Lastly, I liked how selfless Peter is, concerning his mother especially. That he stayed behind with his mother in the holidays says that he cares about her a lot, and she seems to care for him too. That was a nice touch, as in the books it says she was devastated and all that about his ‘death’. You can’t help but wonder how it hurt him to know she thought he was dead...

Now, a few nit-picks:

The boy sitting [...] looks up at me. He’s quite pale and looks tired but he looks friendly. - there’s a lot of ‘looks’ repetition there. XD

“I’m Petey... err, Peter,” I reply. Remus holds out his hand, and I notice a scar across the back of his hand [...] - Aww, so sweet. But ‘hand’ repetition.

[...] the best cakes in the world,” she beams at me, “and I need [...] - I could be wrong, but shouldn’t the words outside of the quotations be in a different sentence? Not sure, but it looks a bit odd.

Mum’s really got to you hasn’t she. - that should be a question, really, I reckon.

I look at James expecting a retort [...] - I think you need commas around ‘expecting a retort’.

no five. - a comma after ‘no’ I think.

Anyway, really good work. Just in case you didn’t figure that I like this. Lol.

xx

Author's Response: Awww, thanks, Spire. I'm pleased you liked the story. I actually struggle somewhat with Pettigrew so this was a way of me getting into his head. I'm kinda following a theory I have that the Marauders became more like the animals they were as Animagi, the more they became them (Does that make sense?). Regulus - I reckon he found a carriage with other first years - maybe Barty Crouch (if he's the same year).

Thank you for the nit picks. I totally agree about the repetition bits, I think I'll go back and look at them when I have time. You're the second person to mention that 'she beams at me' bit. This has been beta'd by the way (LOL) but I thought that as it was splitting Peter's speech that it should be lower case and in commas. It's not a dialogue tag but is part of the sentence. Perhaps, I'll reword that as well. Other nit picks - yes, you're right and I shall alter.

Anyhoo, thank ye so much for the review, especially as you're not really a Marauder fan. I'm actually fond of this story because it was bl**dy hard getting into Peter's head and remain sympathetic to the evil rat!

Carole xxx

Oh, Carole. I admit – I know nothing about asthma. But not only is this story heart wrenching, but it is educational. You’ve took us through the symptoms and possible causes, and you’ve shown us how impossibly terrifying it is. In fact, it would probably be even more so for wizards, because they have no knowledge of it, and they probably see themselves as completely alone. After all, it is a Muggle condition to them.

I liked the Ginny you depict. Her panic for her daughter shows her passion, but it also shows another side to her. In the HP books, she barely ever seems to get ruffled, but your Ginny is more similar to the vulnerable one we see in CoS. This I like, because a lot of fanfiction portrays her as very strong, or very weak, and in reality, Rowling’s character is neither. Well, she’s strong, but not that strong, you know? Yeah...

Now, I feel I should also comment on Ron. Ah, you have captured him perfectly. He’s joking, but his concern for Lily is there in an instant which is IC I think.

The only nit-pick I have for these two characters is their dialogue when Ginny floos to the Ministry. I like the interaction, but I think Ginny would want to get back to her baby immediately, not listen to her brother. Maybe Harry could ask Ron if he will look after the boys before apparating? And Ron could start to speak maybe, but Ginny has already gone. Hm.

The link to Muggle blood and asthma is inspired. I’ve never thought about how Muggle conditions could pass to wizards by blood, but it actually sounds very likely. I’m sitting here wishing I’d thought of that for my term challenge. Lol.

Bringing in the Healer who treated Mr Weasley was a good idea, too. It shows how he pursued his interest in Muggle medicine, and I like the link to the Weasley family. The very last line he speaks, that finishes off the chapter, was also very effective. It reminded me of dramas on the TV where the scene ends and it cuts to the adverts after the main characters have been told something that is possibly life changing.

“Weasley red,” Ginny said.

“Evans red,” said a voice behind them, as Harry arrived back from the Burrow.

“Prewett red,” declared Molly firmly.

Ooh, I never realised that all three families were redheads. Other than that, I love the dialogue between the three here.

“I’ve got to go,” he said. “I’ve got a meeting with Kingsley about Pius Thicknesse’s parole application.” - well, I hate repetition, but I actually think this sounds rather natural. I know I moan about repetition in stories, but I repeat things aloud all the time, and most people probably do as well.

“Nothing serious, I hope,”

Nah, they all get these coughs and colds at that age, don’t they.

Those two lines would ideally end with question marks.

A sudden noise from the fireplace caused both men turned around - that could do with rephrasing. How about ‘both men to turn around’.

She looked back at the nurse. - you said ‘looked’ in the line before. ‘turned back to’ maybe?

He stopped at a red door, decorated with children’s pictures, and opened it.

I love that detail, though I wasn’t sure whether you meant photos or drawings...?

Anyways, good work, Carole. I look forward to reading on. =) xx

PS: And I did look at an asthma website – I saw some things you included in your story as well, like lips turning blue.

Author's Response: WOW! What a review. Thank you so much, Spire. I'm glad you liked Ginny. I don't think she'd be strong all the time - either - especially when it concerns something she has no clue about. I'm glad you liked Ron. I struggle withb Trio characterisation so the fact that they're IC means a lot to me.

Okay on to the nit-picks which I mostly agree with. However, Ginny hasn't flood to the Ministry - it's just her head in the fire. So she hasn't left Lily alone.

The other nit-picks I shall go and sort out now ... skulks away .... Thank you! Carole xxx

Hey, Terri.

Well, I loved this. The quick flashbacks really did portray the common idea of life flashing before the dying person’s eyes, and the swiftness emphasised this all the more. Also, for such a short piece, I felt as if you’d actually told James’ life story in a few paragraphs. Like, wow. We could see what matters to him, what his best memories are… everything. It was great.

I loved baby Harry at the beginning, too. So sweet! And you could see how much James and Lily cared for him…

“Daddy,” Harry said to him. - I think this would be better without the ‘to him’.

Dinner was at the normal time, and still more time playing with Harry. - usually I moan about repetition, but the subtle repeating of ‘time’ brings to life well that this family have so little of it left. We see the normality of their day, but we know what’s going to happen, which is why I found this simple line so effective.

pushing Harry into her arms and then pushed her away - repetition there is distracting, though. At the beginning of the chapter, you also repeated James’ name quite a bit.

the Healer says - ‘said’? I’m not too good with tenses, but that doesn’t seem right.

And, now, this has nothing to do with your writing per se, but I was wondering why there were different amounts of stars on the breaks between each memory?

And, lastly, I have to say the last sentence was devastating:

Sighing, James hoped against hope, he would not see Lily or Harry for a long time.

We know that Lily will be joining him momentarily, so that line is quite a powerful ending for its simplicity. But, either way, I like the connotation that when you die you will see your loved ones again one day.

Good work, honey. I look forward to reading more. xx

Author's Response: Spire,
Yes, says should be said. One verb that got missed when I switched this from second to third person POV. Thanks for catching it. You are right about the repetition when James gave her Harry. I do have a couple things to edit in it that I realised today at work were a bit off. I hope you will reread it once I make the changes. Thanks honey for the review.
Terri

Jen! OMG, it’s a Molly/Arthur... there just aren’t enough of this pairing around. *sigh*

Anyway... I like the simple beginning you give this story, just getting to the point straight away. At first, I thought Molly and Arthur were already together, and it was a bit of an unrequited love. I found that idea a bit odd, because I always saw them as a really close couple. I mean, just look at their children, and the little bit of Molly/Arthur we see in HBP. However, you went on to surprise me with the fact that they didn’t know each other yet.

At this point, I got a little disbelieving. It’s not any fault of your own excellent writing, it is just that, personally, I don’t believe in love at first sight. At the same time as I raise my eyebrow and frown about it, though, I think you don’t make the love at first sight thing unrealistic. I could see how it happened to Arthur; it seemed just like something, well, right, that actually comes true. You know what I mean? Building on that, you worked his irritation at not actually knowing her well with the being given a partner scene, though it would’ve been nice to see a little more background with the couple, maybe see where the love developed from a bit more? That would’ve made the love a little more plausible for me, because we don’t really see their friendship take form, even after we see them properly meet.

When they finally meet properly, it was really cute. I could truly imagine the scene, which helped me get a better feel for the story. However, having the books being dropped was slightly clichéd.

I liked the way you continued with their acquaintance turning into a friendship – though, like I said, it would’ve been nice to see a little of how that friendship developed - with the penultimate scene being the walk referenced in the books. It was sweet, and it’s the sort of thing I could really visualise. The interruption on their walk was integrated quite humorously, and it was a nice touch for Molly to go back and tell him that she loved him. It made me grin, because we’d been seeing how Arthur thought she wasn’t interested in him for the whole story, and then in the last few lines we see that Molly feels the same. It was a nice ending.

[...] one of many Weasley boys [...] - is there proof of many Weasleys in Arthur’s generation? I always thought the Weasley family was big just because Arthur and Molly had a lot of children. Surely, we would hear of further Weasleys in the books if they existed? Contradict if I’m wrong, though XD

Anyway, overall this was well written, enjoyable, and quite a refreshing story to read. There’s not many M/A stories around, and this was a nice change to all the common other pairings written. –hugs-

Author's Response: :D Thank you so much, darling! What a wonderful review. As for love at first sight - I know it doesn't happen much in real life, but this was supposed to be just a sweet, fluffly little fic and having it written like this just felt right for Molly/Arthur, you know? It wouldn't have worked as well if they had been friends first, in my opinion. The Weasley boys thing stemmed from the fact that Ginny was the first female Weasley born for several generations. I think Arthur only had a few brothers, but I'd imagine he had a few cousins and that as well. ;) Thank you for all your lovely comments, dear! <3

I’ve wanted to read this fic for ages, ever since I saw your gorgeous banner. I love Lavender/Ron, so it’s lovely to find stories about them. There aren’t many. One day, maybe I’ll even write my own. Hm. But your story, now...

You set the scene in the beginning well, taking the reader through what’s going on in Lavender’s life now, beyond Ron. I don’t know whether it is canon or not that Lavender and Parvati go back to school after the war, but I like that they’re there. It shows that Lavender cares for school – in HBP she comes across as being more interested in social stuff, to me, at least.

The first few paragraphs did seem a little repetitive though. Maybe mix the way the sentences start around a bit, or have a wider variety of sentence lengths... that might help.

You characterised Lavender well. You show that she’s probably usually a lot more friendly and laid-back, by the way you have Parvati react to her grouchiness when she comes down for breakfast, but you also show how she cares for Ron, and how that leads to a bit of... narrow-mindedness, I guess. The letters tell us a lot about her; I like how she tries to be nice, but mean thoughts slip through, and then eventually she just writes exactly what she’s thinking to make herself feel better. The strikethroughs made me smile, despite the sadness they symbolise. They show how she tries to be rational, tries to suppress her true feelings as they fight to get through.

The letter was very bittersweet, mixed with her tears, her emotions. It really sucked me in, got me into Lavender’s frame of mind. I like how the letter starts with Won-won, and eventually reaches Lav-lav. I think that shows the depths of Lavender, how much she truly loves Ron. We can see she still has the memories. It was sad, but beautifully put across.

“I heard Hermione muttering about her date tonight with . . .” she sniffed. “Ron.” - I feel ‘she sniffed’ breaks the sentence up a bit, and interrupts the flow. Maybe put it to the end of the sentence, or capitalise ‘she’...

there was no way she was going to talk to the boy-who-broke-her-heart. - I think that last word would be better as five words; how it is now caught me a bit, and it made me stop.

Just because you think you’re ‘in love’ with ex-buck tooth, doesn’t mean that you do. - clarifying what you mean by ‘do’ would be good. I stumbled a bit there.

and about our years in Hogwarts - did you miss a word somewhere there? ‘talk about’ maybe? :/

“Goodbye, Ron,” she whispered into the night - I thought this was set during the day? I think the ending would be more powerful as just ‘goodbye, Ron’, though I do like the ‘whispered’ detail.

Great job, MJ. I enjoyed your take on Lavender’s character, and how her relationship with Ron was. –hugs-

Author's Response: Wow. What a nice review! Thank you so much for all of your suggestions. I've been wanting to go back and change a couple of things but I have't found the time to. Thanks so much!

Heather, I was really intrigued by the title, and was going to read this anyway, but when you won overall, I knew I had to read it. And this didn’t disappoint me – it was SO good. Just... I was going to review chapter by chapter, but I didn’t want to stop reading!

First thing that struck me about this was the sounds that you’ve inserted throughout, like the rain on the window. That was a very atmospheric touch, and it added to the story well -- especially the rain in Abigail’s death scene – you built up the tension so well, even before Trelawney had her vision. I liked how the rain was there in that scene at all, as it rained at the beginning of the story, when the girl was cursed. So having that detail later on, it kind of inserted a sense of foreboding, as such. It was quite creepy and haunting, and I felt as if I was there.

I liked how you inserted familiar names into the story, and eventually it ended with Percy. He was an excellent choice of character to awake her. In fact, I like how you kept this wholly fairytale all the way through.

I love the way this gives a back-story to Percy’s relationship/wife. The whole thing is rather mystical, and I find myself suddenly seeing Percy in a new light. I mean, the way Percy’s portrayed in the books just doesn’t touch a lot on the romantic side of him. But you’ve shown a perfectly in character Percy’s more romantic side. I love his embarrassment at how he woke her up – so good, it reminds me of his mortification at Ginny catching him and Penelope. XD

In addition to seeing Percy differently, I thought the inner-dialogue you wrote for him was perfect. I could really imagine it – the inner-denial, the Come on, Perce. Just... I think you captured his tone well, and it was a lovely touch.

A line that stood out to me in this story was Professor Viridian’s last. It was so final, and it instantly made me hurry on. Somehow, I figured that the girl HAD to wake up.

I would’ve liked to know how she was cursed – something to do with the rain? I wasn’t sure. However, I also like the ambiguity, the fact that you don’t tell us, that it’s not clear how it happened. It just happened, and I think I like it better that way. /yeah.

I do question Morticia, though, after she wakes up. All of the people she knew are dead – you show this gets to her [like, not wanting to go back to school], but I’d imagine a little more devastation. Bitterness at her parents abandoning her to the hospital? Sadness that her old life is gone, and she has to build a new one? Does she block it out because she doesn’t want to think about it? I know I wouldn’t want to dwell on it. But even so, it must be quite awkward for her to live with Molly at first. I just would’ve liked a little more in that area of the story.

Overall, I absolutely LOVE this fic. Seriously. Also, it’s quite original which I like. Really good. –squishes-

Author's Response: Thanks! I was afraid I wasn't going to finish this fic, actually, because the ending was not sticking. I was going to write a third chapter, but then I went with the less is more method and trimmed out extra scenes and ideas to just jump it to the ending. To answer your questions about Morticia's feelings: I know there's not a lot of them in the fic, but that's because Morticia does want to tune things out. I didn't have a lot of space to show case her personality, but I tried to convey that she isn't the most open person by how she treats the Healer when she wakes up. She also tends to talk a lot about business and logicstics with Percy, but that does eventually lead into her telling him how she feels. I wanted to convey Morticia as a very observant woman because I think Percy might generally be attracted to someone like that. In addition, your comments on Percy are really appriciated. I've never written him before, but I decided to go out on a limb and do it because he just fit what I wanted to write SO well. As soon as I added Percy into the ending, it just worked, and I really liked writing those scenes.