I find HP poetry...odd and I usually hate poems with rhyming couplets but this was beautiful. The sense of loss at the same time as the sense of urgency was really well done and the final line with the repetition of "we're not alone" being quite desperate and the narrator trying to convince themselves that they are not, but really thinking they are. I also like the sense of childhood slipping away, and growing up much more quickly than anyone should have to. Beautiful poem, it definitely deserved to win a competition. Alex x

Author's Response: Thank you, Alex. I'm glad you gave this a chance even though it's not your usual reading. =) The childhood-slipping-away bit was especially hard to write because I couldn't put it into words properly. As for the last line...I actually didn't mean it to be desperate, but rather hopeful but disbelieving - can this really be possible? Repeating it and becoming more certain with each repetition. Although I can see where it's a confusing line. :/ Thanks again for reading and reviewing. =D

This chapter was very short so I'll just leave a quick review (and I want to read on :) ). I liked your description of DUmbledore's travels very much, as well as the hesitancy about Sofia's parents in that Dumbledore can save Sofia but not them or Oskar.

I'm interested at how you perceive Grindelwald and Dumbledore's relationship. I think I mentioned somewhere on the boards that I don't see him as being so- not anti-Muggles but having such a low opinion of Muggles this late on. And I think on some level Dumbledore would hold Grindelwald responsible for Ariana's death (not as much as he holds himself but still) and therefore not think or consider him in quite so---I don't know the way your Dumbledore thinks about him seems to be as a very intelligent, eccentric friend when actually I think there was a deep emotional/ possibly sexual connection between them. I think this is an important part of Dumbledore's character and whilst I know this is predominantly about Jewish wizards, specifically Sofia and the interaction of Muggles/ the Wizarding world, I think it would be interesting to explore that more.

As I'm coming to expect of you, this was well written and flowed well. I noticed in the last chapter Soraya thought it was rather short. I didn't agree with her there (or maybe she said it about this one- not sure) but this chapter did feel slightly short. Possibly incorporating Dumbledore's relationship with Grindelwald would make it feel more full, or maybe that's just because that's a dynamic I've recently become interested in.

Onto the next chapter! Alex.

Author's Response: I constantly change my mind about how much I'll have the Dumbledore-Grindelwald relationship in this fiction, which has probably led to a lot of mixed messages. A good friend of mine is a huge gay rights activist and fanfiction reader - although she does not know my screenname (or that I've started writing), I would hate for her to come across this story and be disappointed by a poor portrayal of homosexual relationships and feelings. As a straight woman, I struggle to relate. That does not mean to say I shall ignore it completely however. As for his feelings towards Muggles, to put it simply I imagine him to know that it is wrong and to feel immense guilt, but he is so besotted by Grindelwald that he geniunely believes that the ends justify the means (more on this later in the fic). I think he idolises Grindelwald to the point of obsession, and I think Grindelwald knows this and uses it to his advantage. I realise however, that everyone has their own interpretations - and good! It will certainly help the reader's own moral conflict later on. ;)

I think anyone who started reading this story expecting fluff are idiots. This was never going to be a fluffy story and it would be- oh, I can't remember any words at the moment. Not facetious, but something like it, to make it fluffy. Now, I hope you know by now I'm really enjoying this story and admire your writing, so I'm going to start with some nitpicks (sorry).

I'm pretty sure you spelt Oscar with a 'k' instead of a 'c' in earlier chapters (a quick reread- you spell it both ways in this chapter- keep it consistent) as well as capitalising the Ghetto. The latter I can kind of understand as it's now far away and less important to Sofia, therefore I can understand her no longer thinking of it in scary capitals. However I found the description of a 'Quaker' slightly off-putting. Given you don't actually mention Sofia's name initially, just starting with 'She' you place us firmly in her head. Given her lack of English (although is Quaker the same in every language? Are there Quakers in Poland? IF so- excuse my ignorance) she'd not realise that was what she was, maybe realising she wasn't Jewish but that's it. Also- I found "watchful eye of the crescent moon" a bit out of place- just because it seemed to be description for description's sake rather than adding anything to the story (also I don't like personification unless it's for pathetic fallacy purposes which, here, it isn't).

I think Sofia's idea that she's died and gone to heaven is a very clever one and emphasises just how impossible this seemed to her. She thought salvation came with death and now it's come, for her at least, in life. But it's not perfect, because she doesn't have her family.

Your description of her homesickness and longing for them was very well down. Again, minor nitpick, I think given how long (and beautiful -it was perfect) the previous sentence, your sentence beginning "It didn’t matter what a wonderful day she’d had..." should have a full stop before "the moment the moon rose..." just because otherwise it's a bit of a mouthful having a few long sentences in a row.

I liked seeing Dumbledore through Sofia/ your omniscient narrator's eyes. Mrs Brigham is awful, although I'm pleased Dumbledore is firm on not splitting siblings up. I do disagree slightly with them considering it mad to teach her English in two months though. At my primary school there were several refugees who couldn't speak English when they arrived- but within a few months were pretty fluent. It's easier when younger (I do keep forgetting Sofia is sixteen) but Sofia is in a foreign country- she has no choice but to learn the language and I do think most people in those situations learn quickly. I hope Mrs Brigham isn't too awful to Sofia and am eagerly awaiting the next chapter! Alex

Author's Response: Ah! Oskar! I intended to start writing it as Oscar as Sofia becomes more 'English' but I hadn't realised that I'd started doing it so soon! Good spot! I will have to scour through my next few chapters to make sure I haven't done the same there. In response to the Quakers, they can usually be identified via their very modest dress and, in the 1940s, bonnets, and they were the largest religious group which aided English Jews with the Kindertransport. However, I do see your point, I doubt Sofia would have recognised them - I let my knowledge run away with me there! Aw, Mrs Brigham isn't so bad ;) She seems scary but it's all a show.

That was amazing. Given tonight's doctor who is written by Neil Gaiman, and this is one of my favourite songs with Harry Potter, all my favourite things seem to be coming together :)

Apart from the genius of the idea, and the general hilarity it's amazing how IC it is. I mean most parodies rely on some OOC behaviour but this was completely in character. So congratulations. This brightened up my day :) Alex x

Author's Response: Thank you for commenting! I'm glad that you thought it was in-character. That's definitely the hardest part of writing song parodies, but this song was just so perfect for Sev to start out with :D I'm glad it brightened your day. ~Virgil

Jess-This is one of your most powerful stories and I hope I can write a review that does it justice.

One thing I love about this story, and Azure In The Snow, is the immediacy of it. You immediately tie a story of minor characters to a single canon event, and then take the reader straight into the mind of one of those characters. Your characterisation of Michael is, for me, this story’s main strength. You flesh him out brilliantly, making him incredibly realistic. Because we know so little about Michael, except that he was in the DA, we expect him to be basically a good person. It is one of the many things you do so well--highlighting the darker side of those on the ‘Good’ side, and the way in which the circumstances of that last year at Hogwarts, culminating in the battle, could easily turn a normal person. You basically show Michael falling further and further away from any sense of morality, from when he feels it’s Lisa’s duty to stay, to the final moment when he kills Miles.

I like the initial shock to the reader of Michael manipulating Lisa. His strong sense of morality, a ver Gryffindor streak within him, even though he’s a Ravenclaw, comes through. I particularly love the realism of: It is better to die for something than to live for nothing., I think in the situation Michael is in, it is very realistic that he would cling onto a single phrase to carry him through, and this happens to be it, which comes to particular fruition at the end of the story, when he is confronted with the effects of following this philosophy. This morality is also shown when his anger at Lupin’s death, is not focussed on the fact his old DADA’s master has died, but that: “That bloke had murdered Lupin without even facing him.” This very black and white approach to morally complex situations is one you explore throughout the fic- for example whether Michael persuading Lisa to stay, given she was in a coma for the rest of her life because of it, was a ‘Good’ decision or not, as well as the extent to which Michael’s actions are justified given the events that surround him.

I also find the lack of control, at least initially, that Michael prescribes to his situation, of great interest. At the beginning of the story, whilst understanding Pansy’s desire to rat Harry out, he at the same time feels obliged to the nobility he proclaimed to belong to during that year of suffering at Hogwarts. You, however, show his lack of self will at several points- for example, he “almost involuntarily” moves to attack when Lupin dies, and while other members of his house escape the fight, he is curiously stagnant. In a story of mine, I quote a far better writer than me, Jimmy McGovern, who has his central character in the UK TV Show Cracker say that heroes are people too afraid of being cowards. I think it’s interesting that Michael fulfills this perfectly-he is too afraid of not fulfilling the values he preached to flee, which is what his, and Lisa’s, gut reactions tell them to do, and therefore feels obligated t stay, and become a hollow soldier, as per the title.

Your writing style is, for the most part, bare, very much showing but this line is beautiful:He fought and fought, ploughing his way through these faceless, hollow men until the sun finally staggered its way over the horizon. particularly when with the title, it’s really the survivors and not the losers who are hollow.

This story brilliantly shows how war can change a man, or even boy, as Michael really is, for all his violence. The conversation with Miles, the jeering, the tension, particularly since you’d already established an existing conflict between the two characters in their first meeting, was excellently established. I would say that the mention of the racist term ‘Paki’ threw me somewhat, as the implication throughout your story is that Miles and Michael are purebloods, and therefore would be absent from the racism according to nationality (as opposed to blood status) which, unfortunately, the rest of the world was, and to some extent still is, at the time. That is, however, a minor nitpick. I particularly love the ending where you have Michael say:

He truly understood what Unforgivable meant.

Now, while I firmly disagree with Michael’s thought process, you have characterised him so well, that I think within the context of JK’s universe, where murder is the highest sin, and your characterisation of MIchael, this fitted seamlessly.

The ending is breathtakingly sad. The fact that, after committing the unforgivable of killing someone, Michael only wants to fall asleep and hope to wake up, already puts me at a sad point on which to end it, but no, Jess you had to go one further. When, several hours later, he awakes, and you mention, Terry’s ‘far-too-innocent gaze’, the distance between himself and his friends (including Terry) suddenly becomes very sharp and uncomfortable, making his situation all the more heart-breaking. And though he says “I remember” really, he’s remembering as if it were a dream, and there’s something rather horrific about that final image, unable to connect to one of his closest friends. Excellent story Jess, and I hope this review was good enough.

Author's Response:

Sorry for the late reply, but hopefully the fact that I wanted to do your review justice makes up for it. :D

It is my belief that every character, no matter how good or dedicated to just causes, has darkness within. We know this about Harry and have to speculate whether it was borne of the Horcrux occupying part of his soul or something borne of his own innate dark side. He was not able to use the Cruciatus on Bellatrix out of righteous anger, but he was able to toast Amycus Carrow for *spitting* on McGonagall. If the one-in-a-million man worthy to be the master of death is capable of that, imagine what the rest of us can do if we feel justified. And, for Michael, Miles was simply the culmination of every dark thought and hatred that had haunted the back of his mind.

One thing I believe about Michael is that it’s hard not to have a black-and-white view on justice after the Year of Hell at Hogwarts. The dynamics were simple: Slytherins and Carrows were evil, and the DA were good guys. In his mind, he couldn’t fathom there being a middle ground for those of age to fight. While Lisa wasn’t a member of the group, it was easy for non-members to side with those who were brave enough to piss in Carrow cornflakes and go to Support Harry Potter parties. But when the time comes to run away faster than a cat with his tail on fire or face down Death Eaters and the possibility of death, not everyone has it in them to get past that sort of hurdle. I imagine that a number of people who didn’t stay wish they had, but also that a few who stayed wholly wished they hadn’t.

Control is a deep theme in war. In a vast majority of wars throughout history, the more disciplined ranks triumphed over the ragtag soldiers nearly every time. The Romans conquered because they were a military machine. The American Revolution, while seemingly an exception, didn’t turn in the Americans’ favour until the French stepped in and showed them how to be a proper army. Some people don’t have it in themselves to forge ahead with purpose rather than an adrenalin-charged haze of emotion, and I think Michael is one of those people. But, as you said, he was afraid of being like his pure-blooded cousin (Miles), who turned to the Dark Lord as easily as Michael had fallen into the DA. The two boys are a lot alike in my head, as well as on paper, but with radically different outcomes.

The title and the theme of hollowness were inspired by an absolutely gorgeous banner by Minna (poke me on AIM, and I’ll show it to you), depicting a scarecrow and text that said ‘we are the hollow men’. For once in my life, I actually knew that it was from a poem and even who the poet was. I looked it up, flailed, and then thought. After that, this story just came spilling into my brain. I had a loose thread from Azure in the Snow about Michael and his level of messed up-ness, and this gorgeous plot for a battle fic to go along with it. It just…worked.

Miles’s comment about Padma’s race wasn’t really meant to be slanderous to her, but rather because it would make Michael angry. It was more the tone and contempt with which it was said that was meant to offend rather than the word itself. It goes back to the pre-existing hostility between the boys, which went back before either set foot in Hogwarts or even knew what a Death Eater was. That childish desire to hurt someone who hurts you never quite left them.

Unforgivable means a lot of things to me. I don’t find killing unforgivable in all instances, and the same goes for the Cruciatus and Imperius. There are dozens of ways to do all of these without using the three Unforgivables, yet they are not considered unforgivable. Punishable, yes, but not on the same level. This is where my head canon comes into play. In my head, the thing that separates the Unforgivables from the rest of the spells in the Potterverse is how defensible they are. No known defensive spell or shield can stop a Killing Curse, and the only thing that seems to stop the Cruciatus is the will of the spellcaster. The only one that seems like one can defend oneself from it is the Imperius, but even that takes supreme willpower and effort. It’s not a spell, curse, hex, jinx, or charm. There are not words or wand movements or protective objects to ward it away. And the people who are most susceptible to it are the weak-willed and already defenceless. The long and short of it is this: Michael could’ve killed Miles in so many ways, most of which would go un-looked-at as a natural result of battle, but he used the one spell that Miles couldn’t fend off and would kill him for sure. And, as you pointed out, it was because he couldn’t control himself. Miles knew it, which is why he mocked Michael and insulted Padma and all of that, but it bit him in the end.

Speaking of the end, I have a *thing* about characters feeling hollow and full of regret all at once as a story ends. Whether it’s because I’m depraved or I believe that happy endings are far rarer than people wish they were, I don’t know, but the one thing that blows the cork off of my brain is when battle survivors and their families go on like everything is okay afterward. Things happen in the heat of battle that make people wonder if they know themselves half as well as they think they do. When Fred died, Ron’s first reaction was that he wanted to go kill Death Eaters, rather than run to his brother’s side and grieve. Lupin chided Harry for merely Disarming during the Seven Potters thing, telling him that he had better be prepared to kill. In a way, I wish this dual morality had been better explored in Deathly Hallows, because so many parts of the book craved attention in that respect. Characters moved away from who they were and who we knew them to be and became something darker. Hence why fan fiction is glorious; we can do that on our own. No, Terry didn’t kill anyone and was mostly the same person, but he didn’t leave the battle with a boulder-sized guilt complex, either.

All in all, this story was an exploration of what people are like and what people think they’re like and how they deal with the disillusionment of their preconceptions of the former. And yes, typing that out made me feel like a pretentious a-hole, but it was what I was going for. Thank you so much for the lovely review, and sorry about the long time it took to respond. It takes rather a while to think critically about how I wanted to respond, and I did want to respond in the best way possible. You know where to find me if you care to discuss further. Again, thank you, and ta for now.

~Jess

This was a very intriguing story, although initially I was slightly put off by you feeling it was necessary to tell us it was from Grindelwald’s POV. Your writing is good enough for us to realise that, if not straight away, pretty soon, particularly since you have given him such a strong Tom Riddle-esque but nevertheless distinctive voice. This is apparent from the It was crucial to be in her good books given the circumstances of my expulsion and the unfavourable situation at home. comment, as does his sarcasm in all wide-eyed and heartbreakingly sincere. . It’s very Machiavellian, seeing politeness as a method of manipulation rather than a common courtesy, as well as using sarcasm to entertain oneself whilst being subtle enough that the person you’re using to doesn’t notice. One thing I did wonder- Bathilda is an old woman in Harry’s day. Therefore I doubt she’d be an old woman in Grindelwald/ Dumbledore’s day- unless you mean Grindelwald’s great aunt is an ancestor of Bathilda Bagshot.

When you say “My father had passed out from Hogwarts” - I think you mean “finished Hogwarts”- passed out means losing consciousness.

I do like your description of how Grindelwald’s parents met. It is very romantic, possibly too romantic to have actually happened quite like that, but I think there is this quite English trait of wanting to fall in love with another country, which your sentence No man had ever sung the Himnusz, our anthem, with more passion and conviction than my late father. describes very well.

I love how grandiose and yet how very schoolboy his dreams are, all the more scary because we know that he, to some extent, accomplishes at least his dream of controlling Europe. I like the idea of Hungarian nationalism- nationalism is always very interesting, particularly within a Wizarding context as the view of the Wizarding world is quite insular although in the Muggle world Britain has always been more insular than countries on the continent.

I think there’s something very insightful about this paragraph: Five years ago, soldiers passing through the town had shown me how to gun down game. I had not liked the smoke or the blood a gun caused, so messy, but I had very much liked the sound of the report. It had scared away the birds and sent a shiver down even the hardiest man’s spine. Killing did not give one power over others, but fear did. And the gun’s report had stirred fear. It’s very specific and very precise.

I liked the parallelism between Grindelwald’s father going to a foreign land and falling in love with blue eyes and Grindelwald first noticing that Dumbledore had “the bluest eyes I had ever seen.” However when Grindelwald says “The teller’s blood in her had shown her broken cradles” I’m not sure what you mean. I mean it’s obviously a soothsaying method but it sounds intriguing and you don’t really expand on it. I’m not sure about your use of Islanders as a word for the English/ British. Do Hungarians call Brits that (out of interest are you Hungarian/ do you have Hungarian relatives?)? If they do then that’s my ignorance, but given there are islands geographically closer and, I’d guess, of more socio-economic/ political importance to Eastern Europe than Britain (which is a garbled way of saying there would be closer islands which Hungarians might refer to).

I liked your characterisation of Albus, particularly your descriptions of him as “Shy, then. How could someone so talented and aware of power be so shy?” which says as much about Grindelwald as it does about Dumbledore, as well as Albus, after not exactly punishing his brother’s bully, worrying if he’d done the right thing. I did like the reference to lemon drops :)

I think it’s an interesting characterisation of Albus as a “cynical soldier” because people caring for an invalid would feel like that. Albus opening up to Gellert was really well done. I did, however, love the way you had the balance between them and their exchange of influence, such as “However, I believe that fighting and dying in the name of borders someone else has made is idiotic” and ““I would die for this glorious madness.” as well as the subtle slide from a conversation between friends to the kiss.

At times this story does read slightly disjointedly. I know this is essentially snatched moments, and the way you refer to Gellert’s past is clever, but it does come across as disjointed. Nevertheless there are moments, such as the earlier part I quoted about the gun and killing and fear. But the moment of Albus and Gellert kissing was brilliant. It was by far my favourite part of the story. There was something about this boy, who you’d built up as powerful and intelligent being rendered utterly vulnerable by his love for Albus. That moment was very beautiful as was the powerful scene where Albus tells Gellert to leave, and his desperation for Gellert was just as clear as Gellert’s for Albus. I liked Gellert and Aberforth’s decision not to tell Albus, and yet the comment “His eyes turned bleak. Then he graced me with a weak, crooked smile and said quietly, “What right have I to avenge Ariana?” implies Albus knew he had done it. Albus kissing Gellert’s fingers was a beautiful gesture as well.

I’m intrigued that Gellert knew that Albus had died. Somehow I don’t think he would have. I do think Gellert’s view of their relationship is incorrect- it was more than patriotism that bound them together. I also think that the image comparing Gellert when faced with Voldemort and Ariana is slightly off, or at least needs more development. Ariana was completely helpless- and he is not helpless- as he points out he’s grown up and acknowledged his errors which Voldemort can not do. Like I said, I think this story is good but there are moments which are just okay and moments which are brilliant such as ”Voldemort knew nothing of the agony of two sets of fingers seeking each other through iron bars. He knew nothing of crooked, half-shy smiles and easy surrender and falling endlessly with another into that vibrant land of pain and belonging which the wise men called love”. I think you could expand on the conflict between their ideals, their love and Albus’ family more, but it’s still a good story with moments of genuine emotion and beauty. Alex.

Author's Response: Hello, Alex! Thank you for writing to me about the story! It's much appreciated. The interesting thing about the turn of the century politics during the time was the rise of the socio-political movements in different parts of the world. Grindelwald, young and passionate, would have been surrounded by nationalists whatever country on the Continent he had been born in. Britain itself was mostly insular, as you said, but to other nations that were dependent on/ruled by the Commonwealth Empire, which was the largest empire in modern history, anything that happened in Britain was important news. In my part of the world, yes, the term Islanders is commonly used among the older generation (Pre-WWII) to refer to the natives of UK. The hold of the Commonwealth Empire was still strong, it had tremendous influence during the time, and I daresay this is why they referred to this country in this manner despite there being other islands nearby. The term pass out - I admit that I'm in a quandary here. I thought it was officially used to mark the successful completion of a course/training. [http://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/pass-out/http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pass_out_(disambiguation)] I've seen the term used in formal correspondence in academia too, now that I think of it. Perhaps it is a regional quirk and not proper usage. I'll look into it. My knowledge of Hungary is entirely limited to the theatre. I wouldn't dare expand more on the subject of their conflicting ideals or their love though the ideas seem very intriguing. Writing them once was hard enough. Thank you again for writing to me about the story!

Wow, Natalie. This review won't be long because I'm going to head right on to the next chapter and there's nothing really more to say about it except that that was amazing. Hopefully I'll be a bit more coherent/ detailed when I review the next chapters. Alex

Author's Response: Hello!

I was intrigued by your summary for this story and am very glad I clicked to read it. I liked the way you took two Slytherin characters, who we only ever see from Harry’s POV, and made them very realistic. I thought the first paragraph in particular gave a great insight into Daphne’s attitude to her sister and her family in general, without being too much ‘telling’. You used quite a simplistic sentence structure, which would have been boring had you used it throughout but as a first paragraph was very effective. One thing I questioned was the word “gotten” at the end of the first paragraph, because that sounds very American to me and therefore awkward within the first person narrative of an English narrator.

Your description of Pansy was also clever in that, whilst you don’t go against canon in claiming her to be a beautiful, intelligent witch (which, amazingly, some stories do), you show her through Daphne’s eyes, which despite her denials are very rose-tinted. I found, given how strong Daphne feels for Pansy, the fact that Pansy didn’t realise Daphne didn’t just want to not marry an ugly guy, but didn’t want to marry a guy full stop, slightly odd, though this does prefigure Pansy’s marriage, I think some development about this fracture would have been interesting. Having said that I loved th e idea that Daphne wanted to fall in love/ wanted to marry Blaise but knew it was pointless- the phrase “Her words yearned to reach my ears, struggling with all their might, but failed to get through and melted away resignedly into a puddle on the floor.” being particularly poignant.

I found the conversation between Daphne and her father slightly forced, although I did enjoy Astoria’s interjections and Daphne’s description of the ring on Astoria’s finger. I think its because it seems a bit abrupt- going from Pansy and her talking, and there doesn’t seem to be a particular trigger for them to have this conversation now, as opposed to after one of the other suitors, if that makes sense. I also thought a Slytherin like Daphne, even if she is in denial about her own feelings, would be more careful than to say “I will marry when Pansy no longer meets me for lunch” and the way you continue to characterise her does imply she’s careful, so it seemed a bit off.

A first kiss is so often wildly romanticised although in this case there has been enough of a build up for this to be somewhat justified. However I thought your acknowledgement and rejection of those cliches by saying “There were no fireworks. The world didn't stand still. Time didn't freeze, and things continued as they were. The universe moved on, but I didn't mind one bit. I was too busy kissing Pansy.” was very clever, and a beautiful piece of writing. The mention of the universe not standing still also somehow led in nicely to the short quick sections which follow, and the development of Pansy and Daphne’s relationship into being an almost entirely sexual one rather than that of friends or even, actually, a couple.

I sympathised throughout this story with Daphne, and found Pansy very hypocritical as she herself is married (I like the way you never state that, her husband just gets casually mentioned instead) and also her reaction an over-reaction. I think its realistic or someone who isn’t actually that nice, but found it a bit of a surprise. I did like the way its suddenly Pansy wanting a reconciliation rather than Daphne, as Daphne has always seemed- not the weaker but the less confident/ more immature member of the couple and this was an active decision on her part not to reconcile.

I loved the description “Rings are like leeches. They suck away more of your life the longer they are attached to your finger, and they encourage shocked stares from anybody who looks close enough. “ I think its images like this, and others which I’ve quoted earlier, which make this such a powerful story, and what will make me keep an eye out for any future stories you may write.

It was rather disingenuous for Daphne to blame her father for forcing her decision, even if she did accept that she was a coward she doesn’t really accept her own decisions which is rather sad. But the ending was very powerful. She’s always been a muted character except when with Pansy, and simultaneously denies her ability to feel love or pain, which made the penultimate sentence “I felt pain” all the more poignant. It’s a very visual and painful, almost self-punishment, way to kill herself, which I think fits with the self-loathing she obviously feels at the end. It’s a very sad, but fitting ending, to an excellent story I think more background, rather than just the acceptance of homosexuality being disapproved of, to that would have been interesting- as in whether families like the Weasleys/ Longbottoms are more accepting of homosexuality and whether within the wizarding world there was a possibility of Pansy and Daphne having a life together. But overall this was an excellent story which I thoroughly enjoyed. Alex

Author's Response: First of all, thank you so much for writing sucha comprehensive review! You know, this kind of feedback is every writer's dream. XD I can see what you're saying about the conversation between Daphne and her father being forced. Most of their interactions were difficult to write and I was never quite happy with the way they turned out. That also makes sense that Daphne wouldn't be so obvious about her relationship with Pansy, but at that point in they are only friends, so it wouldn't bring unwanted attention compared to if she had said it later into the story. Oh, yes, the kiss! I really do despise such cliches, and they make me rather irritated. I can't help myself, but when I read them, I can't help thinking, "Oh really? Does exploring your significant other's mouth honestly make the world disappear? I think that's 'cause you closed your eyes, buddy." Pansy does become rather hypocritical as the story goes on. To me, it's kind of a combination of her own personality and the simple selfishness of love. Thank you for the kind words about my phrases! They're quite a lot of fun to write. :) When it comes to the issue of homosexuality, I really just wanted to avoid that as much as possible. I think it really takes away from the story when the characters start going on about "being gay" rather than just loving who they do. And I'm sorry if this comes off as rude, but who cares what the Longbottoms think about homosexuality? There are simply two girls in love, why do we need to know everybody else's opinions? I don't think that everybody needs to have a stance on things, people just live. Once again, thank you for your *wonderful* review. I really do respect your opinions and evaluations, and I hope I didn't come off otherwise. ~Katie

I thought the premise of your story in the summary sounded very interesting and so was eager to read it. However I was slightly concerned that it was in the humour category, given that you imply after the war an obviously very damaged George would reunite with Padma/ Parvati depending on which one you decide to kill off. That doesn't sound to me like a humorous set up but since this is the first chapter I cannot tell whether you will continue with the light-hearted, relaxed tone that you establish here.

One thing I liked about the chapter was the dialogue, which sounded very naturalistic. You used only a few words to describe the tone of their voices which was simple but effective throughout, as was your introduction with the twins. A minor note about dialogue punctuation, however. When dialogue finishes, if the next part does not use a dialogue tag (i.e a “saying” word) then the dialogue should finish in a dash rather than a comma. That is, in your first sentence “All right, mate,” Fred patted his twin on the back” it should be “All right, mate.” Fred patter his twin on the back.” It is a minor point, but one you can easily fix.

Another minor point is that spells are generally italicised, but as long as you’re consist this wouldn’t really bother me. What does sound odd is that George casts a spell without a wand. I mean he’s been a wizard all his life, I think he’d find it odd to say a spell word without a wand in his hand. Also “Stupefy” is quite harsh- it is intended to knock the person unconscious, given George just wants Fred to ask the Patils on a date with them. I also think, given it is Fred and George, it might be a spell that’s more amusing- a Tickle Charm or something like that.

I do like the banter between Fred and George, but I think it would be good to establish a sense of location in your story. Since they’re asking the Patil twins out, they must still be at Hogwarts and since the Patil twins are in different houses, are not in the Gryffindor common room. Although you mention they are in a corridor, this is relatively a long way into your chapter. I think establishing it earlier would give the reader a clearer sense of where the Weasley twins are talking.

Also since the Patil twins are in different houses, therefore probably have slightly different friendship groups, I think you should mention that the twins have seen the Patils i.e there won’t be a particular place where they can always find them. I also found it slightly odd that the twins were studying in an alcove. Surely, given this is a boarding school, a spare classroom or the library would be more suitable?

I do like the banter between Fred and George, particularly regarding them being sexy. However so far you’ve only got Fred and George’s word for it, later confirmed by the Patils, that they are. I know this is fanfiction so anyone on MNFF will have an idea of what the Weasley twins are like, but I think it would be good to have some narration describing them and describing them so we don’t have just the twins word for it. I know attraction is in the eye of the beholder, but I think it would be nice to have a slightly less biased voice establish that they’re like this.

I found this sentence “Padma's eyes never left hers.” slightly confusing. You’ve just said Parvati looked back at the Potions text book, so does this mean Padma is staring at her sister? Surely at the twins would be more likely. Also, given that the Weasleys are two years than the Patils this, usually, means the Patils will be more inclined to say yes. I think if you’d gone into a bit more detail about this dynamic than that would have made a fuller and more interesting scenario.

I also don’t understand how Padma staring at them with mild disgust causes Forge to think “This was perfect. Almost too perfect”. It felt as if there was a bit of dialogue or thought process missing, rather than flowing naturally on. As another minor nitpick- you can’t sigh silently. Or, at least, I’ve never heard it happen, so Padma and Parvati would obviously notice his relief. Given you then switch from the Weasleys POV to the Patils, this would be a good point to do it, as well as add some narration about how the Patils feel about being asked on a date by older, handsome people who are not only on the Quidditch team but famous mischief makers (particularly since this is during OOTP?). If you establish this it would also make the last line more built up towards and more amusing.
br> Like i said, your strength is naturalistic and amusing dialogue, which I thoroughly enjoyed. However I think by adding narration, the character’s thoughts and a sense of location this story could be improved. I will definitely be reading the next chapter.

Alex

Jess- I think I said on LJ how much I loved this story, so I thought it deserved a review. Firstly I just want to say how well you integrated the lyrics of the song into it. It’s often difficult to have a broad introduction, but you pulled it off. I particularly liked the line “I did what any sane Slytherin girl would do: I stayed out of the way and did as I was told.” because that does not make her a bad person, though several Gryffindor types might assume it does.

One thing I particularly loved about your story was your characterisation of other houses as being prejudiced against Slytherins, whilst it was unfair for them to be so, such as the small detail about Ernie Macmillan becoming “increasingly vicious” by forcing Slytherins who were not actively fighting to be have to listen to the Carrows enforcing punishment, as well as later with the detail about Neville (which I will expand on more later on). I loved the contrast, however, between Tracey listening to the screams and then having to be confronted with Seamus Finnigan, and the line, “in my wildest imaginings, I couldn’t have brought him this low, which was likely why my Dark Arts score was hovering dangerously close to Troll. Just the sight of it made me forget that Professor Carrow was watching me stare.” I hate portrayals of Slytherins as all enjoying the torture, and this brilliantly reversed that, showing that they are not all onboard with violence, which is never mentioned as a Slytherin trait (although power is). Also the contrast between Tracey’s very physical reaction (turning pale/ wanting to vomit) and the description of Carrow as ‘nonchalantly’ returning to his office.

I loved the entrance of Neville, not the shy Neville from the other books, but a war-torn, hardened Neville who assumes that Tracey is behind Seamus’ injuries, and his surprise when he realises that Tracey has been helping Neville. I loved the little detail about how she “had to hold off the snide smile that threatened to form on my face. Served him right for assuming that I’d done it”. It really fleshes out Tracey’s character.

When Tracey has to go to Carrow’s office, I didn’t quite realise what she meant when she said “I knew what he wanted”, but I think it works better if the reader takes a while to catch up to it, because it makes her standing up to him all the more heroic, although also showing “a streak of defiance” which is both Gryffindor and Slytherin, and her knowledge that it is foolhardy when she says she utters “one damning syllable.” I also liked the detail that “Less than twenty-hour hours before, I might even have given in to him” which just shows how much her encounter with Neville and Seamus has changed her, without you directly saying so.

The description of the Cruciatus Curse was also very well done, and I think given your story its important not to gloss over the details of that. Your description of her contrasting this to what others had suffered, when she is confronted with Neville, is also very physical, when you say “The torture didn’t matter, because he did that to nearly everyone, but the thought of the rest made my stomach heave.” The fact that Snape is the one who saves her also makes your Slytherins far more three dimensional than they usually are in one-shots like this. The difference between Slytherin and Gryffindor, however, is perfectly encapsulated by the lines “That was why I would’ve done it all again. Not because it was moral, but because it made me imagine myself to be better than I ever had been.”

I think since, as readers of the Harry Potter books, we know that everything is going to be all right in the end, and that there will be a battle, just because that’s what DH is leading up to. So when Tracey said that “Until that moment, joining the fray had not even occurred to me” it was rather surprising, but exactly how most people in that room would feel as was the line “To give up Potter seemed like the most natural thing in the world,” particularly since that line didn’t make me hate Tracey, as in DH Pansy stating the same thing made me hate her, because you’d built up her fear of being hurt and the reader’s empathy for her so well.

And onto Neville. I think its interesting that in their reviews Katrina and Gina both really like Neville, when I found him (brilliantly) rather dark and manipulative. I think that last kiss, far from encouraging Tracey, is forcing her and playing on her love for him into doing something that she is, and he knows she is, incapable of doing. I think what’s interesting, and not really developed in the Harry Potter books (aside from Dumbledore), is how doing the Right Thing can turn someone into a bit of a monster, and I think you showed that perfectly, by describing the kiss and her final conversation with Neville in such detail. I would quote all of it. However I’ll just quote the last time, as throughout it has been Tracey’s physical reactions which have mostly defined her personality and increased our empathy for her, particularly when you say: “And I truly was sorry. I was sorry he put any sort of faith in me, sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to live up to it, sorry that what was likely the last time I would see him had to leave a bitter, salty taste in my mouth.” I think that is a brilliant way to end that section, although my only crit would be that parts of it are a tad wordy, and it may read better: “And I truly was sorry, Sorry he put any sort of faith in me, sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to live up to it, sorry what in all likelihood” (just because the ‘that’ and ‘what’ together sounded clumsy) ‘was the last time I would see him left a ...”.

Things have to end a certain way- it was wrong for her to have stayed (though if canonically all the Slytherins did leave then that’s my redemption for Theodore Nott and Daphne Greengrass out of the window- though I do have them arguing with McGonagall about their motives in staying). So your ending was brilliant. I’m sorry this review isn’t that critical, but I’m blaming your story being far too good for that :) I loved the going into the present tense at the end, and her admittance that “I am a coward” as well as the poignant last sentence “I pray to myself that Neville Longbottom might live long enough to hate me forever” make for an excellent ending. In addition- a very minor point- its an Arcade Fire song (though I think in my rambling list of prompts I was suggesting Arctic Monkeys and Arcade Fire songs, so easy mistake to make). Alex

Author's Response:

Yayyyyyy! I love it when I write something and the giftee actually likes it. :D

Anyway, my response, as it is half seven in the morning and I need to sleep, will be short and slightly stupid, but here goes. You *got* the person I wanted Tracy to be in the story. She is the ultimate wallflower, hanging out in the shadows (which, upon reflection, made more sense for a title and slightly less angsty, hehe) and keeping out of the way. And she was happy there. I picture her as one of the unseen victims of the escalating danger at Hogwarts as the years of the series wore on. As a girl with no remarkable talent and a diminutive personality, she is ripe for being sucked into the dark doings of the worst of her housemates.

I think you nailed Neville as well. Seeing the series from Harry's POV, someone who couldn't fathom not fighting for the cause, we sometimes forget that there were some Puffs and Claws who didn't stay to fight who could've done. Not everyone has a proverbial pair when it comes to violence. Maybe, having seen a hint of this violence via the Carrows, Tracey might've realised her lack of tolerance of violence before she thought about staying to battle. Neville might not have understood this, because his friends are all in the DA, all of whom (save for The Git) stayed to fight. He had no idea that he was manipulating her because, for him, right and wrong were determined by a different set of variables. 

The scene in Carrow's office was one I would not have written for any other SPEWer save for maybe Ariana. It was intense and scary and one of the few times someone could say 'Thank Merlin for Snape' with a straight face. I believe that there had to be some underlying evil inside of Carrow for all of Ravenclaw Tower to watch him being tortured and barely flinch. Yes, he was a bit sadistic, but we never truly knew how far that went when he was a bit too drunk on the power the Dark Lord gave him.

Ultimately, though, she was never going to stay. She fancied the idea of being heroic and even thought she was capable of more, but in the end, selflessness and sacrifice had never truly been enough a part of her influences to make staying a logical thing to do. But her run-ins with Neville changed her just enough that she hates herself for not being braver.

Anyway, I"m out of ramble and this was probably not enlightening in the slightest. I fixed the Arcade/Arctic thing (>.<). Thank you for the lovely review. 

~Jess