Hello!

This was a good start to you story. It was a bit cliche, but that tends to be somewhat common in James/Lily stories.

I like how you have Lily already noticing James' absence. It proves that however much she may deny it, Lily does pay attention to James. It may not be in the way he would like, but at least she acknowledges him not hanging around yet.

I think Professor Slughorn was a bit more peachy than was expected. Yes, he is very friendly, but he reminded me slightly of Santa Clause. =/ Perhaps make him a bit more, what's the word, stern I suppose?

The relationship between the Marauders seemed a bit overdone, but not too bad. Like I said above, slightly cliche, but nothing to really worry about.

Nice work :)

Author's Response: Wow, long review! thanks for taking the time out to write it. I\'ve taken on board your comments, keep reading, it starts to relax once you get into it... :P

Hello! You've done a lovely job on this first chapter. I really enjoyed reading it. It really does seem like something that would show up in the series, mainly because it is something that could easily happen between them.

You have Hermione right on target. She can be a difficult character to get right since she can be quite hardheaded a good portion of the time. Very good job there. When I read this one sentence, it struck me as such a Hermione thing to say:



“They’re worthless, Ron, and at least I’m a clean monster.”

I almost laughed it was so perfect! Yes, you've definitely got Hermione perfect.

You also got Ron down as well. He would definitely be the one to need help packing, if anyone. We can clearly see here that he is a very disorganized person, something that makes Ron who he is.

Wonderful job!

Author's Response: Thanks! It's a rare piece where my writing takes the turn for humour. I really think Ron/Hermione would have a very fun relationship, though, and that's what I tried to capture.

Awww! How adorable!

This really was cute. I'm not normally a fan of Ron/Hermione stories, but there are certain ones out there that, if written correctly, can sway me to think differently. Your story did that.

I like what you have them talk about. It's not all completely lovey-dovey and it includes conversation, which, even in a romantic one-shot, is still important. I also enjoyed their playful flirting, when it came to calling the other thick. It just seems like such a Ron/Hermione thing to do, because they always seem to be butting heads, don't they?

It was a very wise decision on your part to select this particular point in time for their alone/confession time, considering the circumstances. They both have their guards down, making it much easier for one to admit such feelings. I applaud you. :)

Great work.

Author's Response: Thank you! I used to love Ron/Hermione, but they were getting old. I wanted to do something more real and different with this. I\'m so glad you think it worked! Thanks again!

Abigail

This was very good! I'm not normally one for stories told in the first person, but really!

Actually, that will be the first thing I comment on: the POV of your story. What normally happens in stories told in the first person is that the author accidentally switches to third person without even realizing it, which is kind of annoying to the reader. You did a really nice job keeping it steady.

This story was also very...what's the word... plausible. So many J/L stories are so unbelievably cliched, you just don't want to read them!

I like the way you describe how James feels toward Lily. It's obvious he has no feelings for her just yet, well, none that resemble anything to love. ;) It's a nice way to start, and I'm excited to read more! Nice work.

Author's Response: Thank you! The first-person thing, I definitely have to credit my Beta. I don\'t think I do it much, but if I do, she catches it!

This was lovely, Mar! Honestly, I really enjoyed it. It was very, very cute and I like the way it happened.

My favorite part was right after the kiss:

“Cedric...”

He could tell what that apprehensive tone in her voice meant without her explaining it. “I know.” He sighed. He knew what she was worried about, and, yes, he was worried about it, too. Cho Chang. “Katie, I really like you.”

“But are you going to do anything about it?”

After a moment’s pause, he squeezed her hand and asked her what his heart needed to know. “Should I?”

I really really like this. It's a very honest part. It explains perfectly what they both want and that, even though he doesn't think or admit it here, he really does want to be with her.

I also like how you have created Katie. She seems just like I would have pictured her in the book (since we don't really have much information about her), and she definitely reminds me of a Quidditch player!

Splendid job, Mar!

Aww, this was very cute! I enjoyed this a lot.

In the very beginning, 'parties held' should not be in complete caps, only the p in parties, and I'd suggest making some space between the beginning of the fic and the disclaimer. It makes it easier to follow.

Here, James should be referred to by his first name, rather than his surname, while you as the narrator are talking. Only in dialogue should he be referred to as 'Potter', and I'm assuming only be Lily since that is what she calls him.

This really was very adorable. I liked the ending a lot and although it was a bit cliche, it was still a good read. :)

Author's Response: Haha, thanks. I\'m sorry about the cliche-ness. I\'m like the queen of cliches, I think. Can\'t help it ): Thanks for all the constructive feedback, I\'ll change it, when I have the time. Thanks again!! :D

Oh wow... I must say, this definitely qualifies as dark and angsty! ;)

You build the suspense and emotion in this one-shot extremely well. I felt the shock and pain as Ginny stabbed him the way she did and, when I finished the story, I felt a pang of pity toward the situation she put herself in, and was almost understanding as she killed herself. Well.. almost. Haha!

This was very well written and, if the times were actually this dark, I would most definitely find this believable. Job well done!

Author's Response: Thank you. this is prolly the best review I have ever gotten. Thank you. you say it was suspenseful reading it, I\'ve read it many times and the suspense still gets me. As for the darkness, i wrote it thinking DH would have been darker, but oh well. Thank you! Thank You! THANK YOU!

So basically, if I could describe this in one word, it would most definitely be 'creative'. I absolutely LOVED the idea of making the story a story! I have no idea where you came up with that but I think the idea of it is simply wonderful. :)

I must say I also liked the word 'besotted'. It's a very good vocabulary word and of course not to mention fun to say ;) Just the whole concept of this piece is so very cute, but slightly on the cliche side. But then again, it's a romance story, what're you gonna do? I find that most J/L fics are extremely cliched mainly because of the heavy amount of free reign and little concrete information about the two not only in their school years, but in general.

I also like the way you describe a lot of the things happening here. For instance, '
James’ heart now had the density of helium.' Certain words you use do a great job telling what is happening.

Great work!

This was very well written. Depressing to an extent, but well written nonetheless.

And as people began to return from lunch, he walked her to the quiet of his dormitory where he sat silently with her as she held his hand, until at last she fell asleep, the paper still clenched in her left fist. And James sat, watching her ragged breaths grow deeper, more regular; watching her body relax on the bed, her left fist unclench. But she still held tightly to James’ hand.

I like the way you described this happening. I can see Lily actually falling asleep and relaxing somewhat. You really painted a picture, rather than simply saying 'she fell asleep'.

The one thing in particular that I really liked aboutL Lily crying on James' shoulder is that... well... it just makes sense. I mean, normally that would be somewhat cliche, but it's true! James is one of the few people who could understand the way she felt and she took her chance with him sitting right there.

What sort of confused me was the part with Professor Flitwick, and the way he chokes up in class. You really don't explain anything about it, which sort of leaves you hanging, waiting for the explanation as to why he is crying.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I just tried to fix the part about Professor Flitwick; you\'re right, it made more sense in my head. I\'m also very happy you think it\'s realistic enough to not be cliche. I hope the depressingness didn\'t bother you excessively; I was in a kind of weird mood when I wrote it. Thank you again for your review; it was delightfully specific. I think I\'ll go read your stories now.

In her six years at Hogwarts, Lavender Brown has never given love advice to Hermione until now.

^ There, 'has' should be 'had', given that you're writing in past tense.

I recommend using more adjectives. In a lot of places, you simply explain what is happening by just stating it. Here's an example:

Harry was already half-asleep; his eyes were closed but he was still turning the pages of his book.

If you added an adjective here and there, this little bit could be much more interesting. Maybe try something like this:

Harry was already half-asleep, or so it seemed; his eyes were shut, yet he was still lazily turning the pages of his book, the hand propping up his head beginning to slowly slide out from underneath him.

Not only does this add more to the scene and give you a better image of what is happening, but it also lengthens the chapter and makes it more interesting. :)

Also, Hermione is a bit OOC. I just can't see her reacting the way she does here over a random boy, nonetheless in public. With Ron it'd different just because he's a main character and it's more than obvious in the series that she has feelings for him, but I just can't picture Hermione swooning over a guy like that. Remember, she had feelings for Viktor and never told or showed anybody.

Other than those things, this story is well on its way. With a few tweaks, it could be very good. I like the idea of it, with the book. Perhaps the same one Ron had been using in Deathly Hallows that he gave to Harry for his birthday? Who knows? ;)

Author's Response: Thanks for the comments and advice! Adding adjectives DEFINITELY makes a sentence more interesting, so I\'ll remember that. Also, I hate myself for getting Hermione out of character. Thanks for pointing that out; I\'ll try to keep her in character. Haha, and the book in Deathly Hallows pretty much sparked my idea for my story; I\'ll just be adding a few of my own ideas to it. :D Thanks again!