I came across your fan fiction quite by accident one day, and was very surprised by it. You have a strong beginning here to what will undoubtedly become a very strong story. You’ve a distinct writing style, a strong grasp on grammatical technique and your opening is very different to many of the Hermione/Snape stories I have read before. I can see that you are new to MNff, so I advise that you continue to advertise the story and visit the forums. There are many Snape fans out there that will thoroughly enjoy reading this!

First off, I liked how you didn’t reveal who the Healer was at the beginning. There were many things that hinted at Hermione to the point where I guessed it was her, but the suspense was very effective all the same. It’s a good test to make sure that she is IC, having her unknown for a while, so that your readers can pick up elements of the unknown character to guess who they are. The fact that I was able to pick up on some typical Hermione traits – like her belief in helping all patients because she swore the oath – makes me believe you passed the test. Hermione’s characterisation was accurate to the books throughout, whilst you also showed how she was an adult, not a student, in this fiction.

Dumped on a cot, his insides scrambled like so many eggs, most of the bones in his lower body broken. The Healers blatantly ignored him – no sense in spending money and time to save a patient for later execution. Better to let him die now. Better for everyone concerned.
This small extract pulled me into your fan fiction. I just thought, wow, is this author going to allow Snape to die such an horrific death? You were direct in addressing the POV of the Healers, showing how they each were willing to obey the Ministry’s command in regards to their patient, and not become emotionally involve in their job. It’s quite a stark contrast to Hermione, who does see just how inhumane it all is. It is scary how they’d be unwilling to help because of economic reasons, but I guess it’s a true and realistic scenario. One nitpick, though – the simile “scrambled like so many eggs” doesn’t quite fit the sinister atmosphere of the rest of your description. I’d recommend you be a little bolder and use a more brutal description to describe the state he is in, but I understand that every author has their limit when it comes to such issues.

They hadn’t really wanted him here, either, but since he had been extradited from some god-forsaken hell-hole in New Zealand, and in that part of the world there seemed to be a bit more of a concern for what they termed 'human rights', the Aurory had deemed it best to at least provide some semblance of care. Ooooh, this sentence made me shudder! Yes, the Ministry are good at putting up pretences when it suits them, JKR has shown that in the novels, and it would be perfectly credible of them to do the same in this situation. I particularly liked your phrase: “for what they termed 'human rights'” as if the Ministry were too absorbed in their need for revenge that they’ve forgotten the universal liberties of every human being. I am very eager to see how Hermione faces up to the Ministry on Snape’s behalf, with the Ministry so set on revenge and unyielding in its condemnation of Snape. It will make for an interesting read!

“Still…an idealist, I see.” She recognized the sneer that accompanied those gasping words, even if it was a faint shadow of its former glory. This line is what I would describe as a perfect Hermione/Snape moment. He’s being the grumpy, cantankerous potion’s master that we are all used to, describing Hermione’s attitude towards him in his sarcastically bitter manner, as always, whilst she recognises him for who he really is, despite his terrible predicament. Snape’s dialogue is often the trickiest thing to write, and to keep him IC he has to have some walls built around him. You manage this here with ease!

He asked her, after a few hours.

“Why are you…still here?” How a man in so much pain could still put that much contempt into a few words, she didn’t know. Small nitpick here – I suggest you manoeuvre this around a little, so the part about her asking is in the same paragraph as the actual dialogue. So, for example: “Why are you… still here?” he asked, after a few hours. How a man….”
I did love this piece of dialogue, though. Only Snape could behave so ungratefully whilst being in so much pain… He is far too proud to accept Hermione’s help immediatly.

Someone who deserved every drop of suffering that fate meted out to him. Hmmm…. This was the only moment when I felt Hermione’s character was being a bit inconsistent. She’s willing to throw her arms around him, and then recoils and says that he doesn’t deserve the healing potion and must suffer. Although, we all have at least two personalities at a tug-o-war with one another in our minds, one wanting to do the right thing whilst the other simply wanting to do what is easy. So, I can see why Hermione would suddenly start chastising herself in this way. Perhaps she’d say that he does deserve some suffering, just not what has been inflicted on him. She certainly isn’t a vengeful character; this is something that Harry may wish to inflict upon Snape, but not Hermione.

I liked the way you set out the memories. Writing a type of metaphysical experience such as Legilimency is difficult and the way you set it out, showing only snippets of memories, was effective because I got the impression that each memory was passing through Hermione’s mind quickly, without her having the chance to fully comprehend each one. It also heightens Snape’s trauma somewhat, and creates a big impact on your reader. You were also able to give some backstory in it, involving Fenrir Greyback, which means you won’t have to dwell on such details in later chapters. One thing I would say, though, is that Snape did appear to let Hermione into his mind quite quickly. He was being very defensive to begin with, and I think perhaps it would take him longer than just one evening to trust her. Yes, he is in a great deal of pain but Snape has always been a very private, introverted man and to allow Hermione to see his most painful memories, after only showing him a night’s worth of compassion, may be a little rushed. Although, at the same time I do see your need to push the story forwards, something that I am struggling to do with my own fics at the moment!

Overall, it shows a tremendous amount of potential. Don’t hide this fan fiction away in a corner! You left the chapter on a nice little cliff-hanger, so I will be returning back to see where you’re taking it next. Keep up the good work!

There just aren’t enough Lily/Snape fan fictions out there! So, I was very pleased when I came across yours. I have problems writing challenges because I can never write them within the required limit to be a ‘one-shot’ and so they take all of eternity, and end up becoming full chaptered stories. What is good about this story is that you’ve not tried to bog yourself and the reader down with too much backstory, you’ve managed to cover the requirements of the challenge nicely, and you’ve written some very powerful moments.

I especially liked your characterisation of Dumbledore, accurately portraying him as the humorous, but yet wise old man that he is. You give him some very funny things to say, for example: “But I admit I have a weird habit of turning up at all places I’m unwelcome.”It does appear reasonable that the headmaster would come and visit Severus when he’s wallowing in self-pity because, like Harry, Severus is more than just a student and Dumbledore does place a burden on his shoulders. I only have one quibble about your description of Dumbledore, though, when you say how his “penetrating blue eyes made him [Severus] feel quite uncomfortable” Dumbledore’s eyes have always been described as quite still, calm and reflecting his patience as a person, and it may be justified that this patience can unnerve someone. I wouldn’t say they penetrated, though, that is more like something Snape’s black eyes would do. But that may just be me being a nitpicky idiot.

“I do not wish to discuss this.” He made his statement plain and clear, his voice full of hatred for the man in front of him, and the woman in his heart.
I liked this line. It is the point where I began to understand why Severus was feeling so miserable. He isn’t the type of person to allow his home to become so disorganised without a genuine reason. It’s very true of Snape to want to be alone when he’s upset. The word ‘hate’ is very intensive, though, and it reflects just how much despise he feels for himself more than anybody else. I think when you’ve been upset and let down like he has, it is easy to believe that you hate someone when really you don’t. You conveyed this quite nicely, especially seeing as he is willing to meet Lily but only in a guise. It is as if the experience is too much to endure without hiding behind a mask. Very Snape-like methinks.

“Severus,” she whispered. It took a lot of her self-control to prevent tears from rolling down her cheeks at the sound of his name.
This line was very romantic, even though she only sees him as a friend. You show in a simple way just how painful the situation is for her and how she accepts that she has hurt him because of he choice she made. I believe that Lily is quite a sensitive person, and you portray that well in this story, but she’s someone willing to take sacrifices when she has to, which is where her bravery comes from. I admire her in this story, even though she’s hurt Severus.

“Really, Lily,” Rosina tried hard to keep her anger in control, her face was flushed, always a danger signal. “Severus had no intention of turning up.”
I liked how Severus said this in Rosina’s guise and then later on Rosina says it also, once she returns. It reflects just how many doubts everyone has with Severus, he even doubts himself, whereas Lily has complete faith in him despite what everyone around her believes. It was an effective way of showing that their friendship was under strain, and how the rest of the world would never understand why Lily chose to be in association with Severus. I also like how Rosina in this section is angry, but doing her best to restrain it, because we later find out that she is in fact Severus. On a second read, you interpret it a lot differently. It isn’t a confused and annoyed friend who doesn’t understand why Lily is behaving oddly, but a wound-up admirer who is both angry with Lily for the choice she made and angry with himself for causing her upset. Even within this one-shot, there are a lot of layers of human emotion, showing that you’ve given it a lot of careful thought. One nitpick, though, I think “dangerous signal” may sound better than “danger signal” – but it is up to you.

She was confused, and Rosina opened the door.
I became a little confused at this point. It took me a while to realise that it was Severus beforehand, but once I did things began to slot into place. This sentence doesn’t sit well with me, though. I think it is because of the connection between the two clauses… perhaps have it as “She was confused when Rosina opened the door” because that describes why Lily was confused. I believe a little extra description of what is happening is needed. You could explain Lily’s train of thought up to the point where she realises that she’d just been talking to Severus. It will help clarify things in your reader’s mind.

Why didn’t he come? she asked herself repeatedly.
You need to add your italic tags on this line.

I found two typos:
Rosina roller her eyes.
Rolled not roller.
I’ll never forgive him for pulling of something like this
Off not of

But what Lily did not know was Severus did not have any intention of speaking to her again. Love had cost her a friend, forever. I admire how you can end a story with just one sentence, and within that one sentence you provide all that the reader needs to know for the conclusion of your story. Had it been me, that sentence would have stretched to half a typed page. It is interesting how love has cost her, a twist on the workings of both their love, and how Lily did love him as a friend, but never how it needed to be for him. One thing that did confuse me, however, is how Severus told Lily that she’d always have him – that was his message – but yet here it appears as though he doesn’t want that friendship. Perhaps explain how they weren’t given enough time to remedy the situation before Lily died or explain Severus’ change of heart.

Overall, it is wonderful story. Keep up the good work and you’ll be winning points for your house every season!

Author's Response: Laura, thanks a lot for that amazingly in- depth review. You can’t imagine how much that means to me, I’ll try and make all the suggestions, especially the Dumbledore one you pointed out. I can’t think of anything else to say but thanks.

Author's Response: Regarding how Snape told Lily that he would have him forever, and he didn't want to visit her, what I was trying to get across was that Snape would help her with anything whenever she turned up on his doorstep, but he would never go out of his way to talk to her again. That's a sort of complex he has. He wanted her to come to him, and then they would be at least friends. But Lily never went back to him, so love had cost her a friend. Does that make sense now?

Hey, this is going to be a very rushed review. Sorry that I can’t go into huge amounts of detail like I often do, but time constraints won’t allow it. Your story has bundles of potential and I can see where your opinions of Snape in our discussions transfer into your fan fiction. The idea of him being trapped inside a cottage is interesting, also; you begin with a scenario that pulls your reader in and makes them curious as to what the circumstances are for him. The only criticism I have of the cottage is that if the Dark Lord did realise Snape had betrayed him but still wanted him alive, chances are he wouldn’t allow him to live in such luxury. He’d be confided to somewhere a little more torturous without the relief of books to read.

He awoke to the same feelings: disgust, anger, self-loathing, and loneliness. The last always surprised him.
Good opening. You get straight to the point by listing the exact emotions that I associate with Snape. I liked how you picked out loneliness as the odd emotion because I don’t think Snape would ever outright admit to being lonely, not until he’s been in a situation where he’s forced to be lonely and not simply choosing to live alone. You give the impression that time keeps moving on in a monotonous, boring way for him, immediately painting a picture in the readers mind of the lifestyle that Snape lives.

No Dark Lord, no Dumbledore. No bad, no good.
I liked this – very balanced. Like Snape’s entire life up to this point has been dictated by the fight between good and evil. He’s been caught in the web and dictated by two leaders, and now he isn’t of use to them he has almost lost his identity.

Just before his vision had fogged he had felt the presence of Wormtail in his mind. Severus Snape’s last conscious thought was that he had underestimated the slimy vermin. This is an interesting theory that I haven’t come across at all, or anything similar to it either. There is nothing in canon that would discredit this from happening; it’s only us huge Snape fans who make him God-like in his powers of Occlumency. I like it in one way and don’t in another, mainly because I am sceptic to the idea that Snape would ever be vulnerable to that little rat, but maybe it’s because we perceive him as such a worthless, useless character that we underestimate him. It was Wormtail who managed to resurrect Voldemort, after all, and so there is every possibility that he could have intervened at this point. JKR puts Wormtail at Spinner’s End for a reason, one that seems trivial in the sixth book, but he may serve a purpose in it, one that you’ve managed to utilise in this story.

His lack of suitable kitchen utensils was of no great importance, since all he had to do was think of food for it to appear. He need not worry about cleaning, as anything soiled left out was gone come morning. I was a little confused at this point. Why does Snape have this power all of a sudden? Could he use it to free himself, perhaps? I can see how it may be a spell so that the Death Eater’s no longer have to continue re-stocking his supplies, making him completely isolated from the world. But it is a pretty impressive power to lend an adept wizard like Snape and I think the Dark Lord may realise that he is able to manipulate it.

Bellatrix followed him with her eyes and took note of his perfectly shaped body and very white skin. The only imperfection was the brand of the Dark Mark on his arm between his wrist and elbow. To Bellatrix Lestrange this was not really an imperfection but a mark of strength. I had a few OOC itches at this point. I don’t understand why anyone, let alone Bellatrix would find Snape as perfect when it comes to looks. Even us diehard Snape fans have to admit that he has a hooked nose, pretty greasy hair and sallow skin. I can see why she would be attracted to a Death Eater and pulled towards the lure of a man with the Dark Mark, but this is a man who has been denounced as a traitor – it makes him lose that appeal.

He turned away and faced the fire. His hands shaking, he laid them upon the mantle. Quietly he said, “I will die my own man, not the puppet of another.” I liked this piece of dialogue – it justifies his reasons for disrespecting the Dark Lord and Bellatrix. I think Snape is someone who has come to the end of his tether with people using him for different things. He’s a strong man in his own right and when constantly used as a puppet it is inevitable that he would strike back. You conveyed his need to regain his dignity and identity well here, and reminded me of how much I love and respect Snape’s courage.

You have a lovely story and I look forward to reading more. You left it on a bit of a cliffhanger – using Hermione to create the potion is a devious trick! Good job so far!

Author's Response: Insecurity, you know you and Starmaiden are my hero's. I just wanted to let you know that I can't give you an adequate response right now due to time. I am on Day 3 of moving. But I will as soon as I have time. Your review is helping me immensely in my writing and I hope you will continue to read/review for me. Thanks, woomama

*leaves silly little review*





You need to write more of this!
Author's Response: I\'m writing, I\'m writing.

*hugs*

I have a new colour-coding system for reviewing. I am hoping it will help me put my points into a more chronological order, but I doubt it will. Here goes nothing…

I’ve picked chapter 2 because I said I’d do a ‘review on your sexy chapter’ and I’m not going to chicken out, and, more genuinely, because it does convey everything I love about your writing. The atmosphere you create between Hermione and Severus and then between Remus and Maeve conveys beautifully the theme of betrayal. There is such a stark contrast between how the former couple react to one another to how the latter do, yet I sympathised with each character on some level (even Remus, in the end) because of the amount of effort you put in to the characterisation. I know I’ve said this before, Jan, but reading your stories is helping my own writing tremendously. I know there are many people on this site who compete to be your number one fan (I think Anna deserves the title, lol) so please just stick me in the top five!

I highlighted in green the different descriptions that I think helped to sustain and enhance the mood of your chapter. You have a way with metaphors that really helps to deepen the meaning of the story. Here, for example: “the icy hand of panic grabbed his heart and twisted it from his chest” through personifying Severus’ panic you make the atmosphere all the more menacing, and I actually felt my heart twitch a little bit at the action you describe. Later on, I really liked another description of Severus’ situation: “Everything had the appearance of a world being melted in the simmering heat of a hot afternoon.” The image it brings forward is almost hellish, and it helps to portray just how much torment Severus is going through, whilst at the same time being an ‘afternoon’ isn’t too brutal. Afternoons always end and what follows is the coolness of the evening. I am over-analysing now, aren’t I? I liked this description of Hermione; it made me tingle… “She could still feel the ghost of him inside her, and it terrified her that the sensation was not unpleasant” The idea of the feelings staying with her, haunting her like a ghost, is powerful – it shows how the memory is not going to fade away, and Hermione will have to endure all the conflicted feelings that it brings forth. You acknowledge that the feeling wasn’t unpleasant, which is certainly within Hermione’s character to feel – she is a woman now, after all. I like the idea that the ghost that will follow her around won’t necessarily be one of disgust at the act, but shame that she enjoyed it.

Okay, next colour is pink. Characterisation – an equally delicious aspect of your writing. Severus is just so Severus throughout his encounter with Hermione. I liked how he doesn’t bother to cover himself because “the damage had been done; what need was there to cover up the deed between themselves?” . I probably would have had him cover himself up immediately, but I simply love the way he doesn’t care about his exposure, just like he isn’t a man to care about appearances. Whilst Hermione is flustered about the actual act, Severus is already dwelling on the consequences. He’s such a deep thinker and I like how he immediately regresses in on himself because of that. I especially liked how “the temptation to order her from the house [was] so strong that he had to clamp his lips together” I very much expected him to order her out. I liked how he refrained himself, your Severus does have some compassion even if he’s unwilling to acknowledge it, but he does make it clear through the subtleties of his behaviour that he wants her to leave. My favourite Severus!line, however, is this one: “His voice now was the Potions Master of old, and it cut through her post-coital reverie. She glanced up at him and found nothing there but coldness.” You manage to destroy any romantic image that the reader might have of Severus, and the encounter for that matter, in this description. He is back to what we see in canon: a man who would never willingly have sex with an ex-student (well, not so quickly, anyway *defends her ship*). I find it interesting that you used the word “reverie” – was Hermione musing over it, perhaps unconsciously working up an attraction for him? I can understand Severus’ need to destroy that.

Onto Maeve and Remus. You’ve created a distance from Maeve’s emotions through writing the scene from Remus’ POV. Before, when you ‘head hopped’ her feelings, it was a lot more intense and created a very big impact. I really did love the part where she noticed Remus’ hair was brown and not black – an amazing attention to detail that shows how it’s the smallest of things that can alert people to reality. Because you were sustaining Remus’ POV, Remus had to presume her emotions and channel them to the reader. To some degree, you succeeded with this, but I do wonder whether Remus could know that much about the feelings Maeve was having. Such as here, His head knew so many things about this moment: she was doing this because of the pain she felt, she wanted comfort, she needed to feel loved and wanted, and he should not be giving her these things. Whilst they’re very simple needs from a person who felt betrayed, would Remus know all of this in that sudden, passionate moment? Or would he be too wrapped up in his sexual desires to reason it out? I can see how he’d come to the conclusion afterwards, but not in the moment. On the other hand, I loved your reasoning behind his desire for her, especially the part where he asks: “so why was she raising her hand to his face, tracing her slender fingers over the scars and lines that lived there?” This created a very tender image in my mind of the two of them together, and I could almost see why Remus would want to cheat on his wife. Maeve is a very powerful woman, after all.

I loved the change of pace from the point where they are together to when she flees away from him. The sudden awakening to reality mirrors when the potion stops working on Severus and Hermione, but whilst their lust was magically-enhanced, the only thing Maeve can blame hers on is the effects of alcohol. I liked this line: “Pulling her clothes back on, she found herself crying again; crying for the original betrayal and for this new one” It brings back the theme of betrayal, making it all the more bitter now that Maeve has properly betrayed Severus. One little concrit I would like to give is, why does she talk to Felicia’s nightgown? I just find it a little child-like. Considering how mature Maeve is, it seems unlike her to be using something that is owned by the wife of the man she just slept with as a comfort. Wouldn’t it be more fitting for her to find something that reminds her of Severus? Perhaps her wedding ring?

I’ll just make one small comment on my favourite ‘sexy moment.’ You certainly don’t shy away from describing passionate scenes – I did get a little flustered at some points. Remus’ desire for Maeve comes across in the strong descriptions of her from his POV. I especially liked this line: “Remus touched the pale skin with reverence, treating her as if she were made of porcelain.” He’s totally infatuated by her at this point… almost enchanted by her… You can certainly see she is the daughter of an immortal; she’s able to use her sexual power on Remus whilst not even realising she is due to her upset about Severus. I am really beginning to like Maeve.


In bright red are the typos!! *sinister laugh that turns into a girlish giggle*

Perhaps, he though to himself, if he just lay there, this would all disappear; a nightmare that had never happened.
You lost your T.

Maeve had never changed her luggage, saying it was a waste of money when what she had was still in such good condition..
Kill one of these full stops. I am sure they make a lovely pair, but it really is time they go their separate ways.

Felicia had packed bags for her and the baby and Disapparated with a barked promised that she would be back on Monday.
Promise ;-))

“I left my bags, so he must do. They weren’t exactly being secretive about what they were doing. They were covered in something too, some stupid blue paint.
What on earth was that all about?”
You need to join the last sentence onto the rest of it. It’s managed to get detached from the rest of the dialogue on a separate line and is lonely on its own.

taking care to memorize her inch of her
Has Maeve shrunk?

On that note, I am going to get myself a little bit tipsy with the rest of my Sunday afternoon and take my doggie for a walk. It is lovely weather for once in this country’s dreaded life. This story is as well-written as PMoA but I can’t say which I prefer because they’re about different human emotions, putting your characters into such different, yet equally evil, situations. But, as always, you manage to pull it off excellently! Now, tell me Jan, have you learnt to play the bagpipes during your week away?

Bridget nudged me to your story. She’s such a good nudger! Setting the story 50 years in the future is an ambitious thing to do, especially seeing as Harry is dead. Some fanfic readers need major characters such as Harry to be in a story, whereas others, such as myself, don’t. I always like to see an author taking bold steps to use the Potterverse to create an original story that explores a far-out possibility. This story is unique and because you are using mostly OC’s there won’t be a story similar to it on MNff. The summery is intriguing – I like the idea of Voldemort controlling both the Wizarding and Muggle world, seeing as that is his aim and logically a possibility. We all know JKR isn’t likely to allow that to happen, but exploring the ‘what if’ is a lot of fun and creates some very intriguing stories. One thing I would advice, though, is to keep the plot relatively simple. Because you’ve changed the settings and characters quite a lot, develop the plot steadily so that your readers can adjust to it. The stories that are set around well-known HP events, such as the Final Battle, do not need too much explanation or backstory, but for this story it would be useful to include information about how Voldemort rose to power, the nature and general attitudes of the Wizarding world as a whole, and then where your OCs stand in all of this.

Although it’s only a prologue long so far, I can see a storyline developing from it. There are several routes that the story could take from how you’ve left it and you’ve wasted no time in bringing the characters into action. I like how you’re focusing on this small group of people (are they werewolves? I am a little unsure, because you mention Greyback as if he was a part of their group – their leader - and so this would logically make them werewolves. Perhaps make it a tad clearer.) I like your focus on their natural instincts to keep together throughout the trouble and revolt if need be. It reminds me of the revolutions I’m studying in history, which in turn makes me think of Les Mis (and now I’m getting sidetracked!) The comradeship between the three friends is very clear even from this short prologue, but you’ve conveyed how Melinda’s death has put a strain on that very well. Fornax is slightly different to the other two in so far as he needs to mourn her loss, and I like how he wants to do that whilst the other two want to plough forward with the plans.

The small red speck bothered him. It could just as easily be a drop of ink, but if it was, why didn’t Melinda include a post-script explaining it? Trying to push the frighteningly possibility out of his mind, he stepped through the doorway and pulled out his wand.
I loved the connotations of the ‘red speck’ and how Fornax is either too naïve to realise it is blood or in denial about it. The association to violence and brutality it creates helps to establish the dark atmosphere of this story. It’s this type of attention to detail that I look for in a fic because it helps the story stick out in my mind from others. One nitpick, though, is why would she leave a post-script explaining a blob of ink? It doesn’t seem a very realistic thing to do, especially considering how the letter is very straight-to-the-point and practical in nature.

The woman called Naesa bounced up and down on the balls of her heels. “Yes,” she said, pulling her light brown hair out of its high ponytail, and putting it back again. “It’s about Melinda.” She twisted one of the large, gold rings around her finger.
I think you did a brilliant job at characterisation of all three characters – but Naesa shone out stronger than the other two. This little extract really helped to paint a picture of her in my mind because you not only give us a physical description but also include her mannerisms as well. She appears on edge through how she is fiddling with her rings, but also the leader of the group who has the courage to tell Fornax about Melinda.

Naesa sighed and knelt next to her friend. “We all miss her, Fornax,” she whispered to him. “But we’re always going to be one member short, if you think about it that way. It’s what she would have wanted.”
I think Naesa is being rather manipulative here. Saying ‘it’s what she would have wanted’ is a common phrase that works quite effectively – it inspires people to keep on fighting and even sparks revenge. By the looks of things, they need to act very quickly, and so Naesa needs Fortax to pick himself up, dust himself off and get back to it.

“Greyback.” Naesa couldn’t make eye contact. Although she couldn’t name it, she knew, as did Ryan, that something had been going on between Fornax and Melinda.
I love your sharp, quick dialogues. By having your characters only speak the bare necessities to one another it helps to create the tension and atmosphere of the piece. The simple name ‘Greyback’ is enough to tell your readers that Melinda is dead, as they know just how much of a merciless killer he is. It’s a very effective way of keeping the pace of your story by not letting it get bogged down in too much dialogue.

Overall, this is a very promising story and I am glad that Bridget nudged me to it. I will add it to my favourites and keep a track of where it is heading.

Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for this awesome review. It made my (already awesome) day!

Thanks for the suggestion about plot. I\'ve been having trouble keeping my plot lines in ... well line. Simplifying it would probably make everybody\'s life easier. Hee.

It’s a very quirky idea – Hermione sent back to her toddler years and Draco being forced to babysit her. I commend you for thinking up a unique and very humorous scenario. I can understand why it burst over the restraints of a one-shot. I especially liked the argument that forced the potion explosion – very IC to have Draco and Hermione bickering, and then the bickering to escalate into a full-out duel. Hermione has a ridiculous temper at times, and so I can understand why Draco wished to retaliate. Calling him “nothing but a foul, loathsome cockroach” would certainly have rubbed him up the wrong way. I liked her exaggeration; it shows just how little she was willing to trust him.

Hermione is adorable after her transformation. I really loved the awkward speech when she asked “Who he?” and how she called Draco “Fewat!” (*giggles* I now have visions of Gato Loco leaning over kitty Ferret and saying this!) I could really imagine her as a young child, the way you describe her. Especially her nibbling her hair – something I used to do as a child when I was nervous. It was really cute and well characterised.

One thing I wasn’t too keen on, considering it was in the first chapter of a HUMOUR fic, was the lengthy backstory about Draco’s past. There was nothing particularly wrong with it, but with humour stories you don’t want to dwell on the dark parts. You could have summed it up in fewer sentences or, even more daringly, used satire or dark humour to explain it in a slightly wittier manner. It makes the argument that follow seem slightly more serious, not just angsty teenagers bickering over an unwanted task.

Being the grammar tyrant that I am, I feel I should point out a couple of blips. Firstly, this sentence: Malfoy turned around scandalized that he was being laughed at yet he managed to scowl at the same time. Now, Americans are renowned for using more commas, not less, yet there is a total absence of them in this sentence. In my British opinion, I would say you certainly need one between ‘around’ and ‘scandalised’, plus I would suggest for the sake of pacing one before ‘yet’ also. Plus in this sentence: Draco could only scowl in anger as the four eyed git and a naïve Hermione walked out of the makeshift potions lab in the second floor; a giddy Hermione waving goodbye enthusiastically the entire time to him. This is a very wordy sentence, and you use a semi-colon where it should be a comma. Also, on the second floor, not in. It’s probably just a case of proofreading, but two errors in one sentence means it gets copied and pasted into Word for comment in review – lol! Also, at one point you say ‘Tonk’s pink hair’ rather than ‘Tonks’ pink hair’ – watch out for those fiendish apostrophes after words beginning with s!

Oooh – and funny line that I liked: Draco had been busy inspecting his fingernails when he got nicked by the thick volume across the forehead. *giggles* I could just imagine this. It’s sort of slapstick comedy with a very camp Draco.

This is a very lovely story. I can see now why it has got such a wonderful response from reviewers!

*hugs*
Laur xx


Author's Response: Laura, I haven\'t replied to your wonderful review. Thanks for all your compliments in regards to IC Draco and Hermione [even as a four year old] Thanks for your concrit on the backstory of Draco and the dark humor/wittier bit. You\'re not the first to mention it, and I imagine you won\'t be the last. I have considered rewriting the first chapter but at this point, I rather just finish the story and move on w/some orig!fic. And OMG -hangs head in shame- you SPEWers always make me so nervous when reviewing my stories. Lol. Thanks so much for reading the first couple of chapters. -squishes- ~Ritta

Firstly, HUGE apology for not writing you a review last session, laptop woes and essay deadlines stole me away. I read this story last month and it really intrigued me; it’s a very interesting spin on the Unbreakable Vow scene and you did a good job blending in the flashbacks to the rest of the story. Bellatrix/Severus is a pairing I have been curious about for some time, and you’ve certainly explored the chemistry between them and convinced me that they could work together.

The dialogue between Bellatrix and Severus is the core of the story, and in places it is very intense and thought-provoking. I loved their hostility towards each other, after the Unbreakable Vow was made, and how you contrast that to the playful, flirty interaction of former times. You do need to be careful, though, about what they say and how you structure an intense and crucial conversation. Severus describes Bellatrix as a ‘lovely woman’ at one point – something I doubt he would do, even when he was younger, unless the statement was heavily ironic. Furthermore, Bellatrix describes how the Unbreakable Vow is ‘all very dodgy’ – a phrase that sounds too mellow, and a little too clumsy, for Bellatrix. It’s these small moments that disengaged me from the mood of the story. Also, be careful not to clog your story up with too much dialogue after dialogue, otherwise it runs the risk of reading like a script. You can build up the tension, too, by describing facial expression and physical reactions, and don’t be scared to explore the environment around the characters because that can help establish the mood. You do a good job at the beginning describing Spinner’s End and Bellatrix’s dislike for it, so you could have developed this further.

You have your work cut out with these two characters to make a romance believable, because JKR has Severus as such an introvert and Bellatrix as such a distasteful character. Naturally, we do not see them as romantic. There were moments where you built this up well, but other times when I felt things were not thoroughly thought through. You describe Snape as quite handsome, with silky rather than oily hair. We all know he was an awkward and not conventionally attractive character from Books 5 and 6, so this seemed to me like you were cutting corners and changing his looks, rather than using his personality, to make him attractive. Also, though you have this as an intense romance between the two, Lucius is mentioned as the one who provided the wine. It shifts the focus away from the two characters and because of that the reader could become distracted by details. It’s important when framing a scene like this that every minute detail is planned out to build on the romance and occaisonally add a deeper meaning to it. Any details that take away from this, should be weaned out and left for other, less intense scenes.

They seem to ‘go upstairs’ because they’ve run out of things to say to one another. Be careful with this! It might be true to real life but it isn’t what readers are looking for in a romance, and you can easily run into the trap of ‘taking things to the next level’ just because you, as a writer, aren’t sure how to develop the relationship further. You also say that Bellatrix loved him. For any other character this would carry some weight, but you need to really, really develop Bellatrix’s human side and their relationship in order to make it believable between Severus and Bellatrix. It’s something that would be difficult to achieve in a one-shot. Don’t feel pressured to achieve everything in a short story, because if you try to achieve too great s range of themes then they could all end up having too little depth.

Having said this, I loved how post-Azkaban Bellatrix had all the bitterness and spite of her canon character, and I believe this one-shot is very entertaining for those who love a dark romance. It’s a story I would love to see expanded on more.

Lau x

Firstly, I will warn you that this review might come across a little harsh. I don’t mean it to be, but I am quite a critical reviewer.

Firstly, you need to consider James’ character a little deeper. I believe you did a brilliant job at portraying him as an expectant father – I especially loved how he wished to understand what Lily was going through and carry the burden. However, later on he discusses his attitude towards his friends in quite an arrogant, almost elitist, manner. Sirius is his bestest friend ever, whilst Peter is forgettable and his least favourite. I don’t believe James would ever admit quite so explicitly his greater affections for Sirius. You need to be careful because whilst Peter himself might have felt like the tag-along, and he might have been perceived by others to be, he was nevertheless James’ friend and James respected him.

First-person present tense is a very risky style of writing to use. I have written a novel-length fanfiction in this style, and I know that it takes a lot to make the style convincing. About halfway through, there’s a paragraph that moves into third-person past tense, which suggests you originally wrote in this style. Don’t change point of view halfway through because the two are very different. First tense is a much more personal and intimate style, which you can use to really get into the nitty gritty of what the character is thinking or doing. If you intend this to be a Work in Progress, change it to past tense. You have a few slips into past tense, which is very easy to do and hard to recognise when editing sometimes; by keeping in past tense, you can focus more on the personal voice of the character. Present tense requires you to master pacing and rhythm in your sentence structure, in order for it to not come across awkward. Master one hurdle at a time, is my advice.

Your first paragraph is awkward. I can tell you were ‘writing into’ the story (this is a phrase my English teacher always used to describe my essays; it means you’re finding your footing and therefore over-thinking it and making the sentence structure awkward). My best advice is to write it, then once you’ve got your writing juices flowing and you’re feeling more at ease, erase it and write it again. Your second paragraph is much better – there’s more control and flair to it! Also, be very careful with the description you use; veins showing on Lily’s neck is a very original image, but not a very pleasant one coming from James’ POV. You over-think the description of her hair too. Sometimes it’s best to use a thesaurus, find a unique word or phrase and use that alone.

Finally – you’ll be relieved, I’m almost done! – find a good Beta reader and listen to that Beta reader. You’re a young writer who has a lot of enthusiasm that can be channelled into a good story. Beta readers are like riding instructors – you have to hunt around to find one that is right for you, but once you have stick to them and listen to what they have to say. Don’t be scared of the edits that Beta readers make; once when my story was rejected, my Beta literally tore it to pieces for me and told me, word for apostrophe, what was wrong with it. It took me three hours to piece the story back together again but I count it as a turning point for my writing.

*hugs*

Keep with it, Claire.
Lau x

Ok, so this story is unique. I haven’t read a one-shot that covers so much ground: it challenges my perceptions of characters, makes me think about both the Potterverse AND the world I live in, and it is entertaining with moments of light humour. I love how you wove your story around Halloween and used Scorpius’ goblin outfit and enthusiasm to give the playful, child-like atmosphere we associate with the celebration. It was clear from the offset, however, that you had something to say … which you did say, without being preachy or boring or angsty. This story could potentially have been a disaster, but you mastered it in such a way as to make a Draco-hater like me REALLY enjoy it.

I tend to enjoy stories more when written in first person, and was was drawn to this story from the moment I realised you were daring to write Draco from first person. He immediately stood out as Draco – his sarcasm, his resentment of the Ministry, his awkwardness around his son and the distance he keeps from his wife. What I liked most, however, was how you matured Draco so that, whilst he still holds the same views about Muggleborns and is still rather aloof, he is no longer feeling the need to prove himself to the world, nor is he showing off in front of others. You’ve adapted his character to this new, degraded situation and given us a glimpse of what I believe JKR intended him to be like as an adult.

I loved how you wove the political situation into the story. It was handled sensitively, and I could tell that you had put a lot of thought into the new reforms and schemes of the post-war Ministry. I especially liked the idea of the Malfoys as the ‘poster family’ and the humiliation for Draco that came with this. It certainly brought home, for me, how much his situation would have changed after the war. His views, too, are interesting. I love how both he and Ginny have sympathy for those who were forced to join the bandwagon; this makes sense, considering the awful pressure Draco had been put under, and the kind-hearted nature of Ginny. I also liked how you showed the Ministry in a negative light, even though afterwards I thought objectively about the schemes you introduced and understood why the Ministry would put them in place. You certainly have a way of persuading your reader to Draco’s POV. One thing that puzzled me, though, was Hermione’s involvement in ‘personal acts of revenge’ and the ‘Blood RED’ – it seems a tad OOC for Hermione to discriminate against anyone, after having so much sympathy for the house-elves (SPEW!) and coming across in the books as someone who was always fair, despite her opinions. However, I am aware that this might only be how Draco perceives her motives.

This is a story I will not forget easily. You’ve done extremely well, and have a very mature writing style – oozing confidence and convincing us to believe what might otherwise be implausible. Well done!

*hugs*

Lau