Salutations Schmerg_the_Impaler, exalted entertainer extraordinaire!



I’ll cast off the literary baggage and just say this: WOW. This is quite an amazing story. I was surprised to discover that this was your first fanfic, but needless to say, I am impressed… and of course, amused. I must also add that this fic makes my own first fanfic glibber and blubber helplessly in comparison (see “Obliviate!”, if you are sufficiently curious).



Anyway, you have a wonderful sense of humour. You savour the random and the absurd, and that comes across in this story marvellously. John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, and the sadly departed Graham Chapman would be proud.



I believe my review and exercise in flattery has gone on long enough. Once again, this is a great fic, and a well deserved Quicksilver Quill Award recipient. Keep up the good work. I look forward to your next postings!



Tim the Enchanter


Author's Response: TIM THE ENCHANTER. That is the best username I think I\'ve heard in my life. I absolutely adore Monty Python.

In any case, this fantastic review made my day. I get a lot of reviews that say things like \"DEATHLY LOLLOWZ!!!1!!1!1!! ZIS IS GUD!!1!!!!!juan!!1!!\", not that there\'s anything wrong with those, but it\'s really great to see such an intelligently-written review for such a redonkulous story.

I will definitely try and check out your stories. But wow, thanks so much!

Hello Schmerg_the_Impaler,

In accordance with the virtues of reverse-psychology, I went ahead and read this story. Certainly, it does not contain the same level of advanced lunacy as some of your other works, but it was an entertaining read nonetheless. To answer your question at the end of your last chapter, my favourite character of yours would have to be Ted, for obvious reasons that don’t need to be stated. As for characters I disliked… there weren’t really any, though Jordan annoyed me somewhat.

[WARNING: the following paragraphs contain review-pleading self-advertising and off-topic correspondence]

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this story; it was not “too serious” at all. My own fic, “Obliviate!” pretty much has only one joke in the whole story. Serious writings as well as madly insane rants are definitely my cup of tea. However, I am not impartial to all stories… or tea, for that matter. For instance, I will only read Gustave Flaubert’s Madame Bovary at gun point (wand point?), and I utterly detest iced tea. Tea is supposed to be HOT!

As always, keep writing. You have a talent for writing insane stories… and finishing them! You see, I cannot seem to concentrate on any one project (either serious or deranged), so consequently my computer is stuffed with many stories I started but never finished…

Tim the Enchanter


Author's Response: Hello Tim the Enchanter (I just realized we have rather similar usernames... kind of...)

I think I made Ted a little too likable. Even when he acts like a jerk, he\'s loveable. (He didn\'t get a chance to act like a jerk in this installment, but he\'s lucky.)

Well, I personally LOVE iced tea because I end up burning my tongue on every hot beverage I\'ve ever consumed... but still, to each her own. (Insert bad \'cup of tea\' pun here.)

Your reviews are always insanely amusing. You know, I also start a lot of stories I don\'t finish. I just write a lot of stories, so I end up with a lot of finished ones, even if I don\'t finish more than I finish. I manage to do this by not having a life.

Absolutely marvellous! In short, that sums up what I think about The Letter. You did a wonderful job with this story, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Simply excellent.

I look forward to reading your next postings! Keep up the great work!

Tim the Enchanter


Author's Response: Thanks so much!

Salutations, Schmerg_The_Impaler,

Get a comfortable chair. This is a long review. You have been warned.

I really like this story. You skilfully weave the tales of multiple characters into a comprehensive whole, creating a nice, wide canvas to work with. That’s only one of the many things I like about this story, and it is a welcome change from the actual Harry Potter series, in which the entire story is almost entirely from one character’s very biased perspective… not that I have anything against Harry. He’s a good bloke. Really, he is.

I digress. This is a wonderful chapter. I loved your second task; it was very different and unique, though I was slightly disappointed by the lack of mindless violence. A chimera on the loose in the Hogwarts hallways would have been nice and exciting, but I guess that’s just me. Sorry… Anyway, I like the character development in this chapter. I am no real fan of romance, but even I (with a depleted uranium heart with a melting point of 1,132.2 degrees Centigrade) can’t help but smile at way things are going between Ted, Ivy, and Arden, as well as (God forbid) Tyrone and Emma. By the way, what’s Ivy up to? She seems to be studying much harder than Jordan for her O.W.L.s, and that is… odd, to say the least. I have a theory, though I could very well be wrong. Perhaps Ivy is studying in secret to be an animagus, and she waits in the shrieking shack to surprise Ted with unexpected company, only to discover Ted coming in with… Arden!

When reading this chapter, I was intrigued by the whole election process with Tancred Apple. I had always figured that the Minister for Magic was simply chosen by a consensus within the Wizengamot (like the Prime Minister is by the majority party in Parliament), so popular elections never crossed my mind. Since there are no political parties (that I am aware of) in Harry Potter, there is no real point in having general elections to elect certain party members to the Wizengamot (if it is both a legislative and judicial body, as I have often assumed). Additionally, politicians in the Ministry of Magic appear to attain their positions like they would any other job, rather than through competitive elections. So, after my long-winded analysis of magical governing, my question is this: is the direct election of the Minister for Magic in this story a reform instituted after Voldemort’s defeat, or am I just over-analysing the text way too much?

Now this review is going to venture from the slightly relevant to the not-at-all relevant. In my previous review for one of your stories (Lord Voldemort… and Bob?), you might have been curious as to what the phrases “ГО ПРОЛЕТАРИАТ БАБИ! КОММУНИЗМ РУЛЗ!” meant, so I’m here to translate. It reads: “GO PROLETARIAT BABY! COMMUNISM RULZ!” Please note that I do not, in fact, speak Russian, apart from a few words and phrases. I just happen to know the Russian alphabet (I learned it so I could read the designations on the sides of Soviet Aircraft. I admit it. I’m a nerd in need of help.), so the above sentences were written in English, but just using Cyrillic letters. Though you probably won’t care, I spelled “Baby” as “Babi,” because the Cyrillic letter “Я” transliterates to a “Y,” but it makes a “ya” sound, not an “ee” sound, which is why I used the Russian “I,” or “И” for that purpose.

Now, in your review for my fanfic, Out of the Darkness (Thank you very much again, by the way!), you expressed dismay towards my inexcusable failure to inform you about any updates I will have. Since I have nothing better to do, I’ll tell you about everything (Harry Potter fanfiction related, that is) that I am working on.

First and foremost, I have submitted the third chapter and am currently writing the fourth chapter of “Obliviate!”. I am simultaneously working on a third chapter for Out of the Darkness, and mapping out a sequel to that story. I still have no idea how I managed to stretch out a story about a cement mixer into not only a multi-chapter, but multi-story series.

I am also working concurrently on two different one-shots. The first one is As the Clock Strikes Twelve, which I just finished last night, though it is still in need of a thorough editing. This story is quite similar stylistically to Out of the Darkness, written using many sensory adjectives and such, so you might like it. However, it is not a humour fic by any length of the imagination, so you might not like it in that case. I don’t know, but nevertheless, you might consider looking around for it whenever it’s approved.

The second one-shot is as different as can be from As the Clock Strikes Twelve. This is my first venture into the Romantic-Comedy-with-Wizarding-Genocide genre, a rather disturbing but hopefully funny story entitled Be My Dark Lord, Voldiekins! It contains lots of violence, torture, and Lord Voldemort/Bellatrix Lestrange fluff! I’ve started writing it, but am currently stuck, so I don’t know when I’ll finish it, if at all.

…I’ve just realised something. This review of mine can legally be its own story here on fanfiction.mugglenet.com, seeing that it is more than 800 words!

With that in mind, I think I should stop writing.

But wait! I have to say this before I cease this review: thanks for writing such a good chapter. Keep up the good work!

Tim the Enchanter


Author's Response:

Author's Response: I am glad I do indeed have a comfy, spinny chair! I love amazingly long reviews!

I\'m glad you think I did a good job blending storylines! I was a bit worried about that! You know, there should have been more violence. I write these stories as Christmas presents (the first one was a Christmas present when I was in eighth grade, the second one was a Christmas present when I was in ninth grade, and the not-yet-posted third one was a Christmas present last Christmas), so that I don\'t have to spend money on my friends. Since my mum and grandma get copies too, I try not to put so much violence in. But there is some in the third one!

I made the Minister of Magic elected because I felt like the process in the Harry Potter books wasn\'t going well, what with never picking a good Minister, and I wanted to see some of the traditional politics in the Harry Potter books change. Also, I\'m American and know nothing about any other kind of government except, like, Ancient Egyptian and Ancient Roman and suchlike.

I find it slighly funny that the Cyrillic spelled-out version of \"Rules\" looks a bit like the word \"Pwned.\" But then, I\'m insane.

I will definitely try to read your stories when they come out! \"Be My Dark Lord, Voldiekins!\" sounds especially awesome, and I hope the mods accept it. They don\'t seem to keen on Voldy-fics nowadays.

Dear Schmergo,

If I could swear loudly in this review, I would. However, this is a public review, and not permissible.

Not only did I accidentally make every previous bold, I just noticed that I left my review for chapter 8 in the slot for chapter 1.

You see, I type out all of my reviews in a word processor, and then copy and paste them into the space for reviews. That being the case, I typed out the review, and pasted it in the “All” section of the review folder, conveniently not realising that it would appear in the chapter 1 review section.

Arg.

I’m going to post the review again in the correct chapter this time. However, I will put the appropriate HTML end tag in this time. I had typed an end tag for italics, instead of bold.

Tim the Enchanter


Author's Response: It is absolutely okay that you posted it for the wrong chapter, although it may give spoilers for people who haven\'t read the story. Serves \'em right for reading reviews first.

I hope you won\'t feel offended if I get some mods do delete a few of the reviews you left, such as this one? I understand why you left them, but it I don\'t contact the mods first, they get scary and start threatening me with account deletion and other horrifying notions.

Greetings, Schmerg_the_Impaler of inoffensive echidnas and cheese cubes!

YES! MUTANTS OF THE WORLD, UNITE! It may just be me, but it seems that Y chromosomes are seriously underrepresented on this website. But then again, we’re all mutants… good show. Cheerio. Bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!

Insanity aside, I have to say that this is quite an amazing chapter – that plot twist at the end! Of course, when our illustrious heroes heard that Apple was going to do something “illegal,” the assumption was that his action would be synonymous with “evil.” Rather than an aspiring dictator, Apple could instead be an aspiring philanthropist!

…Or not. Of course, revoking the Statute of Secrecy makes perfect sense: simply brainwash the huddled masses and convince them that everything will go just swimmingly because wizards have taken over the government. Then, once every other nation on earth has been thoroughly convinced that Apple’s government has gone insane, ATTACK! Jump the Channel and invade France with Muggle troops, and use wizards to infiltrate enemy positions and do charming things like assassinate key generals, destroy communications networks, bridges, and just spread unbridled chaos everywhere! If all goes well, the nations of Europe should fall like dominoes to the GREATER WELSH EMPIRE, and the rest of the world will fear the power of magic! In order for any nation to resist, they would have to integrate their Muggle and magical assets like Apple did; in all likelihood however, that won’t happen. All Apple has to do is spread stories of an international wizard conspiracy to take over the world, and in light of the conquest of Europe, the majority of Muggles in the rest of the world will probably believe that. Therefore, Muggles would most likely be more interested in burning witches and wizards brave enough to declare allegiance to the government than working with them.

Fortunately for humanity, Apple probably isn’t mad enough to try to conquer the world. Oh well… the Greater Welsh Empire will only exist in my disturbed imagination then…

But I digress. I loved the plot twist, and just about everything else about this chapter. I eagerly await the update of Chapter Twelve! However, I’m annoyed because that’ll probably happen in about two or three weeks!

Tim the Enchanter

P.S. Speaking of THE OFFICIAL SCHMERGO READER ART CHALLENGE, I am working on a fourth picture… that is, assuming you got my third one!

Author's Response: Tim, dude, I am so sorry for not responding to your emails... it\'s just, I always want to say so much stuff in response to them, and I don\'t have enough time to write anything so long. I\'m really busy with projects and exams, but I want to get back to you soon. I think I should say \"Cheerio. Bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!\" on a far more regular basis. I also think, based on the last several paragraphs of this story, that you should actually write the remainder of this story instead of me. Actually, a lot of what you were saying reminds me of another (non-fanfic) story that I am working on at the moment...\r\n

Salutations, Schmerg_The_Impaler, Grand Mistress of Lunacy!

Amazingly, for the second time in a row, both our stories (Out of the Darkness and Potter’s Pentagon) were updated on the same day!

But I digress. In this review, I will talk about your story, not mine. First of all, I would like to say that this is yet another great chapter in this epic series – the plot thickens! The evil master plans start to unfold! The action slowly boils and-before-you-know-it-everything-will-just-explode! Just spiffing!

HA HA! I knew Apple had something to do with rigging the tournament! However, I am still no closer to figuring out why. Oh well. I suppose I’ll just have to read the next chapters as they come out! …which, considering how quickly chapters are being approved, should be within three or four weeks...

But now… THE OFFICIAL SCHMERGO READER ART CHALLENGE! Incidentally, I started sketching a few of your characters before ever hearing of this, but now I have incentive to finish my drawings! My only worry is that I might not be able to get them over to you, seeing that I am not that well-versed in the complex workings of the internet, but I’ll try!

And speaking of drawing, I am a bit of an amateur artist, as well as a writer. I use mechanical pencils for my drawings (nothing fancy), and my friends have described my human beings as looking “Disney-esque.” For the longest time, I never drew people, instead opting to sketching things like tanks and jet fighters. However, my drawing subjects have since branched out quite a bit, so I usually concentrate on drawing people now… oftentimes in tanks!

Oh dear. Now I have to finish my sketches in addition to writing “Obliviate!”, Out of the Darkness, Be My Dark Lord, Voldiekins!, Yelling Yourself Yellow With Yetis, and THIS IS HOGWARTS! – A Most Ridiculous Crossover Parody. I wonder how I manage to get anything done…

Thanks again for writing a great chapter. I eagerly await the next update!

Tim the Enchanter

P.S. I submitted and deleted this review twice. Sorry if that caused any confusion!

Author's Response: Tim, I can\'t believe I haven\'t reviewed Out of The Darkness. It\'s high time I did. Thanks for your lovely review... and if you could draw me a picture, that would be SPLENDID. You can scan it in and paste it in the body of an email (NOT an attachment) or upload it onto a site like Photobucket (it\'s free!) or suchlike and post the link in either an email or PM. And you can reach my email by clicking on the \'contact author\' button next to my name on the profile.

\r\nYou are writing a story called Yelling Yourself Yellow With Yetis? I can already tell that this will be one of my favourites...

Greetings, Schmergo,

Isn’t it a lovely Ventôse day today, of the year 216? Pluviôse just came and went, didn’t it? What am I talking about? I think the French Republican Calendar was one of the stupidest things devised by man. I mean, who wants a ten-day week (décade) with only one day off? Those head-lopping froggies were plain crazy…

I digress. I just had the urge to say that, noticing your interest in the French Revolution. Concerning violent political upheavals, I myself am primarily interested in the Bolshevik Revolution and the Chinese Civil War. Yeah! Ле́нин рокс! Go Mickey Mao!

And speaking of violent political upheavals, (well, maybe not violent) I wonder what Tancred Apple is up to. You didn’t say whether he became Muggle Prime Minister as well as Minister for Magic as well, but I presume he did. And what “illegal” thing will he do to his Muggle audience? I don’t know, but I know what I would do if I was an aspiring dictator with complete hegemonic domination over both Wizarding and Muggle Britain…

Maybe the review page isn’t the best place to discuss my rather disconcerting plan involving demonic cement mixers and killer tooth brushes. This page is for reviews, and I’ll finally leave one, at last. First of all, I can see why this story is called The Truth; so many secrets and conspiracies and scams, which are finally starting to come to light (they’ll need lots of sun block)! What a disappointing end to the Triwizard Tournament! That was really quite unexpected, and I am trying to figure out those two judges deranged motivations were. All I can think of is a bet or something… involving APPLE! Yeah! Everything’s his fault!

One thing about Apple… shouldn’t he be Welsh, not Irish, having a middle name like Llywellyn?

Anyway, moving on… this was a great, entertaining chapter, though I do think there was a bit too much happening, but that doesn’t prevent me from enjoying it just the same! I can’t wait to see what happens next… once the queue opens again. Oh well, gives me more time to write my own stories.

By the way, thank you again for leaving a review for Out of the Darkness; I really appreciate it. I’m trying to focus on finishing chapter three so it’ll be ready for submission whenever the queue opens up again.

Writer of a long, meandering review,

Tim the Enchanter


Author's Response: Hahaha, the sad thing is that I knew what you meant.. yeah, the French calendar is absolutely dumb. *Hides from my best friend Aku, who is an ardent Jacobin*

Apple\'s family is Welsh. His accent is Irish because he grew up in Ireland and because Irish accents are usually considered more pleasing to the ear than Welsh ones. (See, he gets the Welsh looks and the Irish accent.) I was just trying to make him as attractive as possible. ^_^

I got into the French Revolution through the lovely book/musical \"The Scarlet Pimpernel,\" and this deepend through my crazed love of \"Les Miserables,\" even though that\'s set during the 1832 student rebellion (there\'s a lot of 1790\'s major revolution references, so you learn a lot about it from reading the book.) The musical is good, too. But I generally find any overthrow-age of the government interesting-- I like to see how exactly it was orchestrated. I usually don\'t root for the revolutionaries, though!

If I was in charge of both the Wizarding world and Muggle England, I think my evil schemes would largely feature exploding toasters, but that\'s just me...

You will find out about the judges\' deranged motivations near the end of the story, but they do have some... they didn\'t just randomly rig the tournament. Sun block. Hee.

There was way too much stuff in this chapter! I was going to put it all in 3 different chapters, but I really wanted to get into the Fight-Against-Apple, so I smushed it all together. I don\'t really like it spread out into numerous chapters OR smushed together into one. *Shrug* Ah well.

Inverarity shows his skill as a writer by weaving this tale of self-discovery, intrigue, and good old-fashioned action and chaos. Hogwarts Houses Divided is a delightful read, that is as entertaining as it is thought-provoking. From Deathly Hallows, we get a small glimpse into the future, but it is a future that hasn't really evolved from the series we are familiar with - Inverarity tackles this question of what the post-Hogwarts scenario is like head on. He makes us consider what it means to be a Gryffindor, or a Slytherin, or a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. It also makes you think about things like censorship, punishment as a deterrence, and perceptions of justice. By the end of the story, I had to wonder which side was really in the right.

The characterisation is excellent, of not only the canon characters (just eleven years aged), but also the whole slew of OCs. They (I'll include Teddy Lupin, since we know virtually nothing about him) are very believable characters, and really act like they're eleven years-old. They are immature (to varying degrees), usually don't think things through, and do some REALLY stupid things that make you the reader want to cringe and say, "What were you THINKING?" But that's what makes this story great - none of the characters are infallible, and there are real consequences for their actions, something Harry Potter tends to get away with.

The plot is very cleverly crafted. At the beginning of the novel, it appears to be any ordinary "new kid at Hogwarts fic", where the first years discover the castle and all of that fun stuff. However, it soon becomes apparent that the story will become much more wilder than that, which it does. There are a multitude of red herrings in this fic, that make you think the story will go in one direction, but when you're totally not expecting it, it makes a complete 180-degree turn and does something else. There is plenty of suspense and twists, and Hogwarts Houses Divided is completely unpredictable and full of surprises.

Overall, a brilliant read.

~ Tim the Enchanter

I've read most of this story on fanfiction.net, but I am very glad that you managed to get the story on this site. Anyway, this is quite great story, and I especially like Harry’s line concerning eggs: “Are you making a baby or an omelet?”

Spiffing!

Tim the Enchanter

Author's Response: Yes, after many machinations, I did finally get the story posted here as well. Glad you\'re enjoying it. The eggs line seemed to get everybody, but it does seem like just the sort of thing Ron would say, doesn\'t it? Bless him. Thanks for your review.