"hope is as fragile as pieces of glass." Reading that, it felt like the whole story was based around the one quote. This is amazingly written, and gives a very realistic insight to what Severus' childhood might have been like.

Author's Response: That was one of the main qutoes I worked on. Nicely spotted! And I\'m really glad you liked this.

I havn't read your fic (yet) but I really like this poem! I've never tried that style of poetry writing, not sure what its called but its very well written.

Arianna

Author's Response: Thank you! :D And unless I somehow did something without realizing it, this poem was written in free verse with absolutely no rhyming/rhythm scheme whatsoever. ;) But I\'m glad you liked it anyway, heh.

I've just got one nitpick (I just can't help it): (All always seemed clear, but he kept the proviso in the plan just to be prepared) Full stop in the parenthesis.

Kaye, won't go there again. =D

I just adore the beginning of this. I'm not even two paragraphs into the story and I'm already pulled in; the fire sentence—or thought, rather—was absolutely wonderful. I'm not quite sure how to explain it articulately but I do love how you've begun with explaining his daily routine, coupled with the line "On a very good day […]." I can just relate so well. Everyone sometimes falls into a routine and the later in the day that routine brings you, the happier you become. Very nicely done. And I also love how we're seeing this badass Auror doing simply mundane things—it's setting up so well for, going by the summary, what this story is about.

So far (I'm to the first asterisk-marked break) I think the characterization of Moody is spot on. No other character who's simply sitting on his porch would mentally run through the actions of the innocent-looking new neighbor—the detailed monologue of this woman, would, without us knowing the character who's narrating, automatically bring anyone's mind to Moody. Also, the bit about the microwave and telling Arthur made me giggle. =D

Overall, I loved this chapter. The letters to Elizabeth's mother were a very interesting way to introduce us to this character; we're not seeing her in a completely rounded light, but from just these letters we have a very nice image of her and her personality.

This…

Careless old man! How in Merlin’s name are you supposed to know she needs one? Shaking, Alastor Moody, who had faced Grindelwald’s followers, who had faced Muggle Nazis, who had faced Death Eaters, sank into a chair, and put his face into his hands.

was just too adorable. Again, we're seeing the badass, fearless, vigilant Moody in a vulnerable and normal situation. I think you've really gone outside of the box where his character is concerned; not only are you taking him completely out of the element we see him in in the series, but you've built a character that is very IC but also original.

On to the next chapter...

Author's Response: If that is the only nit you can find to pick, then I am ecstatic! Thank you so so much for the detailed review. It seems I managed exactly what I was aiming at. We see one Moody when Barty Crouch is imitating him, but when we meet him in Grimmauld place we see another side, and I wanted to show how the sides connect. His story fascinates me. I'm glad I am making this vision of him believable. The letters...I had to think what he'd find in her trash that would intrigue him, and make him want to meet her. He is very methodical. I figured Constant Vigilance would require that.... Thanks again for the review!

Hey Afifa!

The very first thing I noticed is that you lean heavily on telling rather than showing. I've read so many articles on this that I just hate it when people tell me this, but through all the droning on, the advice is really, really useful. When you 'tell' people things, the story can get boring, stagnant, and readers will turn away without giving the plot a chance.

James felt something crawling on his hand. It seemed like an insect. The thought of a spider crawling over his skin made him jump up. This turned out to be the wrong thing to do.

Take out the actions and you have: He felt this. It was this. He did this. Then he did this. Doesn't seem so interesting, does is? By telling us what's happening rather than showing us, you're hurting the story. Readers want to see it, to feel it, hear, touch, taste, smell it! Simply knowing what happens will turn people off. So rather than…

It seemed like an insect.

Why not…

"He could feel its small, prickly legs crawling over his palm; even though it was too small to tell, James could imagine gross, tiny little hairs all over its body and he jumped up, shaking his hand wildly to get it off.

Bad example, but we can see the insect now, rather than just knowing that it's there. Because he "wildly" shook his hand we know that James dislikes insects.

He had been lying down for a couple of minutes, not strong enough to get up just yet.

Why wasn't he strong enough to get up? What did his muscles feel like? Was there an aching in his bones, his back, his arms? Show us why he can't get up: There was an aching that ran from his neck and down his spine, and all the way down to his toes, creating the painful inability to get up. Adjectives, verbosity! I want to see him struggling, hear him moaning as he tries to stand up, feel the pain in his buttocks as he mistakenly jumps up too quickly. (Okay, maybe not feel it. :p)

Your sentence structures are also very punctual and precise, which coupled with a lot of telling, is very… well, punctual. In a textbook that's what I want. In fiction, I want description, verbosity, things that can only be explained through longwinded sentences that seem to go on forever because there's just so much to tell! The story so far is really great—you obviously know how to write a good story—but your damaging it by following the laws of grammar so stringently. Mix it up, break a few rules, throw a semicolon in every once in a while! The comma doesn't have to go there, it could be thrown aside so that we can feel a little bit of the urgency. (Though, that one can't be broken so often…)

The thing about showing vs telling is that it gets the best of us. Sometimes if you concentrate on showing so much you'll get lost in the descriptions and the verbosities and that one little leaf that just deserves ten paragraphs of description. Generally, I notice that if someone does too much of one thing, it goes to the extreme level. There's either only telling, or there's only showing. But there is a balance, and that balance is wonderful.

Rather than stating that someone walked from here to there (even if there's nothing of importance in the action) you could slip in one of the senses. He smelled rain in the air. The sky was bright with the morning sun. He could feel the sand between his toes. He could taste the salt in the air. Incorporating some of the five senses in every now and then really beefs up fiction, and adds a little spice.

Alright, enough droning on about that. The story itself was very funny and creative (putting him through a 'test' is an adorable premise). I really liked the characterization of James. You put him in a completely weird (to him) atmosphere and still really pulled out the characteristics that I imagine him having.

The last line was especially cute. It was a long time before they actually got together, and I can imagine the moment being one of those "time stops" moments, and I think you played on that very well, especially the subtlety (me loves subtlety :D).

Over all I really liked the story: You pulled everything together really well at the end and again, the premise was just… adorable. :)

*hugs*
-Ari-

Oh. My. Godric. I don't think I've ever read faster-- had this been in print, the pages would have been flying in my attempt to get to the next word. Molly, doll, how come I've never wandered across your author page? Seriously?! I feel like I've lost a bit of myself without having this kind of FANFREAKINGTASTIC writing in my life.

No. Seriously.

I mean just look at your adjectives! Not a boring one in sight! Every word makes the scene BURST in your mind; every piece of dialog makes you HEAR them, not kind-of-sort-of-can-almost-see-it -- HEAR THEM. Seriously, I've never seen frantic dialog done so masterfully. There wasn't a single place where I paused, not a sentence that read awkwardly.

There were however, an unfortunate few spelling errors:

when a potion when wrong

Reached into the cage

(You can't tell out of context, but 'reached' should be 'reaching')

So, aside from those, you conquer. Honestly. The summary for this pulled me in-- not just the way it was written, but dear Godric, I've never heard of a story like this? It's original, interesting-- it makes you HAVE to read this.

So, uhm... this review really does nothing for help, but I just can't get over how much I loved this small passage. I'm going to read the rest of this now.

-Ari

Author's Response: Wow, you love to appeal to my sense of vainity! And I also suppose this is a not-so-sublet hint to get the next chapter up, right?

A lovely piece, both parts. The premise is something I’ve seen before – several times – and yet there weren’t any passages that had the tired-and-tried feel. It was a very enjoyably unique spin on the getting-together of James and Lily, and being the J/L sucker that I am, of course I loved it. =D

The characterization was wonderful. Amidst a familiar storyline, James and Lily’s characters felt IC, but also just so comfortable, if you know what I mean. I didn’t have to stop at intervals and work out in my mind how this or that could be justified and made IC – there was nothing to cause to a pause at all. Their expressions, actions, and dialog were all exactly as I’ve always imagined them.

I was slightly deterred by the style of the prose. It felt really succinct, punctual – a lot of telling rather than showing. I think a little bit of description could have really helped the emotional aspect.

Overall I really enjoyed this! A wonderful J/L for the virtual bookshelf. =)

First off, I despise post-Hogwarts. Despise it. I can't write it, I can never find a decent plot, or characters who aren't the trio in miniature.

That being said, and excuse the net speak but I find it unavoidable, OMGIFRIGGINLOVETHISSTORY.

Ahem.

I'm going to dash off and read the rest of this brilliant story before leaving a proper review; I did want to point one thing out though:

‘Yeah,’ I scoffed, ‘No thanks to your father.’


I glanced up at him, noticing his face fall. ‘You don’t know anything about that,’ he muttered.

That was... adorable... I have read quite a few Scorpius' and the way you characterize him... Well, it's just fantastic.

Arianna

Author's Response: Ooh, thank you! I'm really glad you like it. You've now given me inspiration to write my follow up one-shot. I'm glad you like my Scorpius, I quite enjoy writing him. And yeah, I've never liked the idea of Rose being a miniature Hermione or Scorpius being exactly like Draco. Kids are never exactly like their parents, so it would be completely unrealistic to have them that way. Thanks for the review, dear :) ~ Cassie

Rhi,

It's been so long since I've read a story that started with description. It seems there are so many foreboding warnings about boring your reader with the first word that everyone wants to jump straight into the ACTION!DRAMMA!ACTION!. I gotta' tell you, your introductory paragraph was not only a relief from what's becoming a tired-and-tried method, but it was also so creative and descriptive that I could see this place from the word 'go.'

I wrote that before I read on. I'm writing this now in awe, and not just 'cause I've learned to expect brilliance from you. ;) I had an idea in my head for how this was going to turn out; who the old woman was, what she would be musing. But the characters present… the… I don't know, the story, generally, everything, it's just amazing. I don't know what aspect to go to first…

The writing itself—not the plot, the characters, or anything—is awe-inspiring. There's so much description—though not overdone, in any way—that I don't think I'll ever forget the rusty old bench beside a park. There's something about the way you write that lets every word bring life to the story. There are no SPaG errors, no awkward sentences, no mistakes, nothing I disagree with… It's not helpful in the least to you, as fawning doesn't so much help a person improve, but jeeze… it's wonderful.

Bellatrix… Now, no one could ever make me pity her, not even this brilliant story, but there is a certain amount of understanding accomplished with this, at least from Hermione's point of view (though I would have killed her, no matter how old she was ;)). Her musings pull you in and make you want to know how she got to where she is. The bitter melancholic tone of her thoughts are not only consistent and well-written, but also just plain ole' interesting. Before I knew it was Bellatrix (and when you revealed that, I literally got goosebumps :p) I pitied her, wanted her to be happier, or at least find a way to be happy. You pull the reader into her life and, with so few words, make them want to know everything about her. But then it's Bellatrix and they just want her dead. :p

The one thing that tripped me a little bit was the switch of PoV; it wasn't done badly or anything, I just wasn't expecting it. The transition was done nicely, there's no doubt in that, but I think that—especially with this kind of quality writing—you could have let the reader see how Hermione felt just by expressions, without the switch. Though, on the other hand, we wouldn't have gotten that brilliant last paragraph, in which I almost felt something close to pity. Almost.

I'm off to find a story in which I can actually be helpful. :D This was a brilliant and moving piece, Miss. Rhi.

Author's Response: ARI!! I responded to this AGES ago and then my computer froze. :( I was going to go back later, but I forgot! ANYWAY. I love you. This review made me feel so wonderful inside. Mhmmm. *hugs tightly* You're brilliant and so kind. The PoV switch bothers me, too... I need to fix that. ;) <3333 Rhi

Right off the bat: FanTASTic opening line, not to mention following lines. One stylistic thing I might suggest is that you combine the later two with a semicolon rather than period—the second sentence follows the former one so fluently that it reads kind of… stunted to have them separated.

Demonic shadows flickered and capered on the slick black walls of Azkaban; Cool drafts of the night air swept through the cell blocks, the briny taste of the sea hiding in the folds of the breeze.

Another grammar thing to pick:

but this time was different, was off.

The comma doesn't quite separate the last as substantially as it should. Maybe an en dash?

I think you get a kick out of writing ambiguous endings. :p Second time in a row I've found myself on the edge of my seat, wanting to know what's going to happen next. I really like the way you've kept up the dark tones throughout this, but haven't overdone them so that every line is another ''dreadful, awful, HORRIBLE!'' line. It allows for a lot more characterization to come through, which in itself is really quite lovely.

Shall continue on to the next chapter,
/Ari

Author's Response: Thank you very much again for the constructive review. I really liked the semicolon suggestion. As for the other nitpick, I wasn't quite sure if you were suggesting a end dash (I think you were) and where exactly that should be. Other than that, I did get a lot of feedback from this review because sometimes I wonder if I make the tone too dark or not. I really appreciate this!

I began reading this a month ago. I read the first six chapters in two days, and for each chapter I'd stop, open Word, and try to find even one word that would amount to what the story deserves. Annnd I still haven't found that word, or even just a few to follow it. But if I wait another month I'll just tell myself I can read and enjoy without telling you how much I enjoy it and that wouldn't be very good of me. At least not good for my conscious.

The physics confuse the hell out of me. Not gonna' lie, I don't understand a word of it. I fail at basic math. Don't ask me to multiply anything over 12 in my head, I just can't. For someone who fails so utterly at anything so complicated to be able to follow the prose is just amazing. I don't understand it, especially not this last bit about time travel and immorality by way of quantum physics, but I still . . . follow. My confusion hasn't detracted at all from being able to enjoy the narrations. Not a word of it is able to peep through understanding but Regulus' thoughts, emotions, actions-- I get that he gets it, and somehow that's all right. Considering I get aggravated with reading if something as simple and common as point of view is unclear, that means a lot more than it sounds like.

While on the subject of clarity, and if only for the fact that after 50,000 words it might be the only thing I can say I disliked, the end of Principals of Opposition was slightly unclear. The exchanges were so fast and so . . . filled with unspoken sentiments that were likely clear to people who understand what the blazing hell they were talking about that I couldn't keep up with a word of it. Dumbledore's intentions weren't clear; the meeting wasn't clear. Regulus went to him to find out why he was helping him uncover how he hid the Order, but without much spoken to that, they just discussed the possibility of immorality. Why? I can understand why two people who are obviously bleeping ingenious would want to chatter about the possibilities, but it just felt like they had strayed; from the point and from the scene. Why would Regulus be so willing to storm into one of the most dangerous places and give up on what he came for, simply because Dumbledore confused him? And I don't see Dumbledore's motive either. And I know that this has gone from feedback to whining, and I'm sorry, but I got lost.

Stepping away from the whining, this has got to be one of the best stories I've read, online or otherwise. The character development is superb, in both Regulus and Sirius, and the others. The difference in relationship -- between Regulus and Sirius -- is so drastic from the first chapter to the latest, and yet it doesn't feel . . . contrived. Every moment that passed, every incident that parted them, they hold just as much weight now as they did then, and (other than aforementioned circumstances) I haven't questioned a single thing. The concept of siblings being enemies always feel so materialistic. I resent my sister for numerous things and am honestly just severely annoyed with her, but I still love her. There's enmity there, but it's not real. It's just what happens between siblings. To portray such a strong enmity between the brothers, to make it go past the materialism of 90% of the world's sibling rivalries, in both rl and literature, is just absolutely fascinating and brilliantly done. And I'm not even counting the obvious here (the war, their different sides).

I'm sure you've heard it at least a hundred times now, but Regulus' character is just . . . more than a character, less than a man. Realistic, yes, but I don't think there's been one seen in which I've viewed him as whole, and I don't even know if I'm talking character-wise or human-wise. There's just something missing about him, something that's not there, that can't be seen or touched or explained, and I want to know what it is. Every trial he's gone through so far is worrying at his sustenance and although you've clearly portrayed him as a strong, vigilant person, it just feels like whatever this X factor is, it's slipping. And that makes absolutely no sense, but that's how I see him, and I can't find another way to tell you how much I love his character, so there you are.

I love you for the scene at the Ministry. (True love, yo.) So many fics portray the actions of the Ministry as fair and kind, and that the Aurors gave the benefit of the doubt and didn't harm a hair on the Death Eaters heads, and just . . . nononono. I will say that it might not have been at the extreme you've shown it, but your picture of the Ministry is far more believable than the one above. For Moody to so offhandedly order to kill school-aged children was slightly shocking, and horribly believable in that "yay, it's realistic, but boo, I can't believe he's just gonna' off them" way.

Rambleramblerambleramble. Honestly, Maddy, I'm trying not to squee, but this story is so wonderful and capturing and engrossing and interesting and thirty-five more synonyms that it's hard to find something to say that doesn't pale in comparison to the story. I can't wait until the next chapter. And update your signature! It was only by sheer luck that I thought to browse the most recent stories and you couldn't even imagine how high out of my chair I jumped when I saw a new chapter for this was up. =D

-hugs-
Ari